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Prologue

The stairs creaked as Marissa clambered quickly up them, cradling the glass orb in her arms as if it were a baby. The crystal ball refused to behave and Marissa constantly found herself stopping to rearrange its position to prevent iridescent surface from shattering into thousands of pieces on the stone steps.
A thin handrail ran alongside her but she had no free hand to hold grasp hold of it, the ball was too precious and her master needed it. She climbed the last few steps and came to a wooden door, behind it laid her master’s room. It was a great honour to enter and Marissa new of many servants who would trade anything just to go in. She felt proud to be chosen to retrieve the crystalline globe, for it would aid her master immensely and of course, she would do whatever he asked of her.
Shifting the ball gently into her left hand, she raised a shaking arm and knocked on the door. A voice sounded immediately inside.
‘Who is it?’
Marissa found herself unable to speak, she opened her mouth to answer but could not force any sound out.
The voice came again, sounding more impatient this time. ‘State your name,’ it demanded.
‘M-my name is M-Marissa master,’ she stuttered, in a voice as unsteady as her arm.
‘And what is your business on this floor?’
‘I c-come bearing the fortune telling c-crystal you requested my lord.’
‘Very well,’ the voice resounded, ‘you may enter.’
With that the door groaned open and Marissa was able to step into the room. The air felt chilly, almost, haunted, in a way. She put her hand out in front of her face and found she could only faintly see it. The room itself was nearly black; in the back was a small dusty window that hardly let in any light. As her eyes began to grow accustomed to the light she could see a figure sat in a large armchair just to the left of the window. She could hear the wind whistle through the cracks in the old wooden walls and moan, as if in pain. As if lost souls were trapped in this place.
A light flickered on at the far end of the room and she took a quick step back, the sudden illumination startling her.
‘Approach me child,’ the figure whispered in a voice that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.
‘Do not be afraid,’ it insisted, ‘for if you have found me what I have been searching for you shall be rewarded and you shall experience power beyond all others. Just give me the ball!’
Marissa took a shaking step forwards, holding the crystal ball in an outstretched palm. She neared the desk, and stopped, shivering from the cold and from fear. A skeletal hand reached out and snatched the orb from her grasp, inspecting it closely.
‘Yes,’ her master hissed in delight, ‘you have pleased me child. Come closer, look into the mists and tell me what you see.’
Marissa strained her eyes closely and peered into the swirling vapor behind the glass. As she looked deeper she began to make out a shadowed outline of a woman, moving slowly along the roads. She seemed to come to a stop outside a church, light radiating off her although she appeared to be unaware of it.
Whilst Marissa watched, the girl continued on, walking down to a bridge and settling there. The ball went blank.
‘Well?’ her master demanded, ‘tell me what you saw child.’
‘I saw a girl,’ she replied, ‘she was walking to a bridge and she was… she was glowing…’ she trailed off.
‘Excellent, excellent,’ the voice was delighted, ‘I shall send for number 17, he knows the area around there and he shall bring her to us. Leave me!'
'Yes master,' Marissa stepped backwards to the door, not taking her eyes off the thin shadow of the man as she retreated. The light was turned off and the room plunged into darkness once more.
All she could hear was the sound of a low, merciless laugh.




Read Dreams Tell Lies - Chapter One here.

Hi!

I liked the mystery in this piece. It really made me want to keep reading. Seriously though, tell me when the next part of this is coming out please! I want to know what happens next!

I don't really look for any grammar mistakes, but I didn't see any! Awesome job, let me know when the next part comes out!

Icy, if you want, you can write me a message on my wall when you post; you don't have to always post in my review forum, lol, I don't mind either way

All right, so this is going to be weird since I only started reading at chapter 5 and have no idea what was before XD But I guess this is the best place to start.. Here I go!

IcyFlame wrote:A thin handrail ran alongside her but she had no free hand to hold grasp hold of it, the ball was too precious and her master needed it.

IcyFlame wrote:It was a great honour to enter and Marissa knew of many servants who would trade anything just to go in.

Okay, finished. I can't compare this prologue to the older one as I haven't read it, but this prologue seemed good. I'm not all that good with prologues myself, so I can't help you much in this department. One thing I do know is that a prologue must open up for the story, and have a purpose -a glimpse of info- for the story to begin. I think you did that pretty well in my opinion. (Frankly though, I soooo don't get what this has to do with what I've read, but I guess that's what happens when you miss parts )

The mystery of this is compelling me to keep going haha. Good job with this and the air of mystery and the details you placed in this made me want to keep going. Very thrilling and exciting to read, in my opinion. I can't wait to read more of this soon so I may find out what happens next ^^. Good job and keep up the good work!!! May you receive many helpful reviews!!! Happy Writing and best of wishes!!!!
Soulkana<3

It's meeeeeeeeeee!

This may be a little short because it's review day and I've got another 894752397y428.3874 reviews to get to. Nonetheless, I'm not going to be lazy and not help you out at all. I'll at least try and give you something to work on.

Okay, so I liked this! I'm jealous of your prologue writing skills too. Honestly, I suck so badly at prologues. I've recently posted one, and it actually hurt me to show it to the general public. You've got a good amount of mystery here, and it definitely makes me interested. I want to find out what the whole thing is about, who Marissa is exactly, who the master guy is, and especially who 'number 17' is. Very intriguing. Your grammar was pretty good, but I did notice the odd slip up where you could have maybe had a period instead of a comma or something. Nothing huge though.

Because this is pretty short and nicely written, I've only really got one critique for you. Although the mystery in this is good, I'd like to see more tension. It's all a bit monotonous, I guess. Okay, so Marissa obviously thinks visiting her master is a big deal, but you only really show us that through her actions. How about sentence structure? Maybe when she's walking over to her master, you could start using short sentences. Maybe mention that her breath is heavy, that her palms are sweating. Right now, you have this:

Marissa took a shaking step forwards, holding the crystal ball in an outstretched palm. She neared the desk, and stopped, shivering from the cold and from fear. A skeletal hand reached out and snatched the orb from her grasp, inspecting it closely

A little quick, and a bit bland, eh? This is one area where I think you could create some epic tension, and really show how much of a big deal all of this is to Marissa, and well, a big deal in general. For example, you could have something similar to this:

Marissa took a shaking step forward. She paused. All she could hear was her heavy breathing. In and out, in and out, in and out. As she glanced down at her feet, they appeared fragile. Taking a deep breath, she stepped forward again. The orb felt like sharp ice in her sweaty palms, but she bit her lip in an attempt to ignore the sensation. Her master grunted. She paused again. With her pulse now accelerating, she continued walking. Almost there, she thought. A few more steps. That would do it. Finally, she stopped at the huge desk. Her hands still jittery from fear and excitement, she held the orb out. A second passed. Out of nowhere, a skeletal hand reached out and snatched the orb from her grasp. Marissa gasped. Her master was soon inspecting the orb.

That's just a dodgy, brief example, but do you kind of get what I mean...? Basically, I'd like for you to make more out of the scene where she's nearing the master. Show her fear, her amazement, her excitement. Make it more of a big deal.

As a whole, a great job!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey there! Happy review day. ^_^ Get ready to be Bamboozled.

I'm not going to do any nit-picks, because they're tedious for both of us and I don't think you really care at this point about whether you have awkward passages or whatever. Right now, I bet you're more interested in hearing overall stuff, right? Well that's what I'll give you, but I do have one technical thing I'd like to point out first: it's a little annoying when you try to keep coming up with different ways of calling the class ball/crystal orb/crystalline globe/etc.. I know you want to avoid repetition, and that's a very noble cause indeed, but in this case I think I'd prefer you chose one phrase and just used it every time--that would be like the name for the ball, you know? Because right now it seems like you wrote this with your nose in a thesaurus. ;}

Okay, that said, I liked this. I'm intrigued and I'm curious about what'll happen next. That's the point of a prologue, basically, so good job. I agree with Skins that the whole number 17 business is mysterious and intriguing indeed! And I think you've done a good job of having a good amount of information and very few info-dumps. You leave just enough up to the reader to inform the reader and just little enough to make them curious. Nice balance.

I'm also going to agree with Skins on the monotony thing, because I love her she makes a very good point. This whole thing feels rather the same. I don't really get a sense of suspense building. It's not a huge deal in this, because it's so short, but watch out for that when writing the rest of the novel!

I have to say, when there was the dialogue I cringed a little bit. It just felt a wee bit cheesy, with all the "come to me, my child"s. It felt like you were trying a bit too hard to be mysterious and it wasn't happening in a very original way. Once again, this is really something to watch out for when you're writing the next chapters. I suggest giving him some sort of a unique voice, rather than just giving him the generic powerful magical entity voice.

I also think you could use to do a bit more description in this piece. Whether it's emotional description or description of the setting, it doesn't really matter--but I think this prologue feels a bit dry right now. I'd like to see it spiced up a bit! For example, I sort of forgot that the room was dark. Is Marissa almost stumbling because she can't see? What does the room smell like? What are the echoes like? Elaborate.

I hope this helps! Feel free to PM me or write on my wall with questions or whatnot.

a

Hey Icy! Here as requested.

Okay, so for starters, I like that this prologue makes more sense for the story. Well, it makes sense to me that the glowing girl is Ashling; part of me is wondering whether this number 17 is Big Harry...hmm...

Anyway, onto the review! I'd suggest proofreading your post and cleaning it up. There were some long, run-on sentences that needed pauses -- remember that commas are your friends! Just as long as you don't get too friendly and end up with the opposite problem of a comma every other word.

As for the story section itself, it's all well and good, though I did find this a bit inconsistent:

She felt proud to be chosen to retrieve the crystalline globe

and then you go and show how nervous and mousy she is. It's not a big deal, but up to the point where she starts talking, I had a vague idea of a woman comfortably walking up the stairs to give the crystal ball to her master dear. I didn't get the impression that she we feeling anxious at all, and perhaps you could tuck in a little mention of the ball almost slipping from her hands due to her sweating palms, or the way she's walking slowly up the stairs not only because the ball is delicate but also from anxiety. Just a thought.

Another little thing would be the descriptions; I don't have a good idea of the appearance of Marissa, though I'm guessing it doesn't matter much. I also realize that this is just a prologue, which is usually intentionally vague.

Well, that's all I've got to say. Great job, and I'm waiting (impatiently) for the next chapter! Keep up the good work. Cheers! (:

Hey there Icy!

Well, what to say after such reviews? **sigh*

I'd have to say that I agree with everyone here about needing a little more tension. But there is one thing that stood out more for me.

The way Marissa is acting, she sounds afraid of the master. She's stuttering, afraid of what might happen to the orb. Her thoughts are scattered and she basically sounds/acts afraid.

But then she seems surprised by the room, by the master. Has she never been there before? Was this a first visit for her? Why was she requested to bring the orb, then?

I thought you did a good job at blending dialogue and action in here, good descriptions too. Try hiking up the tension up a notch and you'll have a perfect prologue!

Good luck and thanks for the request.

Tanya

Hey, Icy dear. Since you've wanted me to review Chapter eight of your novel, I went here to check out the start. Obviously, I don't think I can give you a decent review there if I have no idea what already has happened. So here I am. I hope that's alright. I'm gonna take this slowly as I've got a bunch of review to do in my reading list. [LOL] I'm glad to have seen the previous prologue (preface, as you've called it). Looks like you're getting really into it. This is way longer. I'd want to mention though that prologues don't have to be long. x3 Just take Twilight's for example. Anyway, here it goes. (I think this is the very first review you'll get from me, right?) First would be some nitpicks, of course:

The crystal ball refused to behave and Marissa constantly found herself stopping to rearrange its position to prevent <<I think there should be an article here>> iridescent surface from shattering into thousands of pieces on the stone steps.

‘I saw a girl,’ she replied. 'She was walking to a bridge and she was… she was glowing…’ she trailed off.

‘Excellent, excellent.' The voice sounded delighted. ‘I shall send for number 17, he knows the area around there and he shall bring her to us. Leave me!'

'Yes master.' Marissa stepped backwards to the door, not taking her eyes off the thin shadow of the man as she retreated. The light was turned off and the room plunged into darkness once more.

The last ones are these:

A thin handrail ran alongside her but she had no free hand to hold grasp hold of it, the ball was too precious and her master needed it. She climbed the last few steps and came to a wooden door, behind it laid her master’s room.

I didn't like those two run-on-ish sentences. But that's all, really.

Overall, the thing that I wanted to talk about is that I couldn't feel much at the first paragraphs. I know this is a prologue, and actually that doesn't have anything to do with it. [LOL] My main nitpick with this part is that I couldn't feel much. I couldn't say what season it was, how dim was it at the stairs? It would seem like just a mere addition of words to your prologue, huh... but it would probably add interest if you've told us about these things.

On the other hand, you've done very well with the rest. The middle part was intriguing enough, and the end was fine. It seems though that some time in the past, I think I've encountered something like this before. I just don't know what. But it's exciting to know how this will turn out.

As for Marissa, I totally agree with borntobeawriter. Her character quite confuses me. But maybe that's because this is just the start.

So this is where my review will end. Just add some more descriptions at the start to add some feeling to it, 'cause as far as I could read, it was all visual. This is only the prologue so I couldn't really say much. Keep on writing!

CSI Jash ♥

Hey there Icy, It's me Nike! since you sent me the PM of your club, I deicided to read the book (I never read it before, sorry). Well anyway, I think it's amazing. There's no edits to be made at all.

I found this very interesting and vivid. That's a really good thing. I could actually imagine the scenery and I could feel what Marissa, your MC, felt.

This is really good. PM me, or post a comment on my wall if you want any reviews, have an questions, or just want to stop by and say Hi!

Keep Writing!

Nike

Ti is very interresting. The mystery just kind of pulls you in, making you want to read more. The descriptions are good and the pace is just right. I can't do the whole grammar thing so here's to hopen someone has/will go over that for you. Great job and good luck on future writes.

Holy Crud, do I feel ashamed of my writing when I read your's! This was excellent! I totally want to continue reading! This is amazing! I love what you're doing!

Your writing style is pretty developed (at least, compared to mine).
Your grammar is relatively good.
The plot development is off to a great start!

The brief prologue was still alive with detail and characterization of your character, the servant girl, who is evidently eager to please and serve.

But, when you said "she had to keep repositioning the crystal ball to stop its surface from shattering into thousands of pieces" makes it sound like if she stopped moving the ball, it would break.

Just a tip.

Continue writing! I would love to continue!

Excellent descriptions, by the way!

Hello!
I thought this was really great and you've got a good way of describing things. I really want to continue reading it to find out more about this Marissa girl. I don't know why but she doesn't really seem to be a good person? Is that just me?
Keep writing more, you're really good at it!

I really like this! I figured that I would read and review your story in light of review day and because you're my captain
I think this was actually shorter than the version you sent me, but for the life of me I can't understand why. Perhaps the one you sent was a lot longer/a more recent version than this one or something like that? Saying that, it actually makes sense, seeing as a lot of the issues raised by reviewers on this topic seem to have been addressed in the version that I was reading.
Anyway, I digress.
As for nitpicks, Jash seems to have caught them so you're all sorted there and the issue of tension seems to have been dealt with also. I guess I'm left with characterisation. Yay for me.
Marissa
Well you have a lot of opportunity here. It's a must that Marissa comes back into the story, for mystery if not for anything else. You can twist the reader around so much with her, and put her into the most unlikely situations. Personally, I'm hoping for some scandal thats connescted her to another character's past but that you use whatever the opposite of dramatic irony is to confuse the reader a little.

Mysterious man
I would point out that he seems a little cliché, but I know for a fact that when it comes to your writing this isn't exactly much of a problem. I have a feeling he will turn out to be the evil villain, but I'm hoping that you'll explain the reason that he is how he is, if not in this book in one of the other two. That's all I really have on him to be honest, but I know you can't characterise much in a prologue for fear of putting off the readers... especially if the characters don't actually feature in quite a few of the chapters to come.

I'm heading to chapter one now. Thanks for the link! It comes in handy.
TEAM TARDIS