z

Young Writers Society


Paint (Chapter 3)



User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1267
Reviews: 11
Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:31 pm
View Likes
JJxVoodo says...



The jittery bus stuttered to a halt at the terminus: my stop. I gradually found my feet and walked, slowly and steadily, down the isle of seats to the doors platform. When I got off Miranda was there, waiting. Another ritual for the 15th. We never uttered a single word, we didn’t need to.

We strutted down the path to the school gates, head over heels with almighty power. They stared, they watched, they sighed but never once came close. Our fellow pupils wished and prayed that one day they could walk like this, with all the people watching. But you have to admit; the question is, had I deserved it? If you look at my life. My dad gone, my brother maybe dead and a mother I barely got to see. Yes, I deserve it.

The school gates stood as a tall structure of hard, warm metal. As the secret glimmers of sun reflected of the silver paintwork, the girl behind the paint stared back at me. An exact image of what I had become. A mask. A mask of lies and secrets that never showed. A poker face of sin and lies.

“Minnie!” the deep, soothing voice of Blake was breathed onto Miranda’s neck. Her boyfriend. With his little nickname for Miranda. Minnie!
“Hey, Blakey!” Blake leaned in for a light brush on her lips. The problem with this is Blake was a light kisser, where as Miranda went in for the kill. There ‘light’ kisses, turned into a deep snog filled with passion almost as soon as they started. She had what I wanted. A guy. But when it came to boys, Miranda never wanted to stop at one. She had two and loved another. She was a modern day slut but never had anyone said it to her face. I was the only one that knew. Smart move on her part. Anyone else would have used it for blackmail. To get all she had. But I guess she wouldn’t care. She was like that.

“So, you wanna do somethin this weekend babe?” Miranda chirped
“Sure thing. What go see a movie on Sunday?”
“A romantic movie? How about… umm... that romance movie that’s just come out? That new one by… umm… Who ever that bloke is who wrote it. It’s Romeo and Juliet. Who wrote that again Lele?” A direct question. Well how could she not know? I knew she wasn’t the brightest of all sparks but she just HAS to know that.
“Ummm. Weren’t it that William something? Shakespeare I think.” What was I supposed to say? ‘It’s William Shakespeare you idiot’? I can’t do that. I know it was an obvious answer (which she should have been known), but she’s my best friend. I don’t pay attention in class. Half my brain just seems to download it all into my head.

“Sure thang Minnie. I’ll pick you up at your house on Sunday at around…”
“Five? that’s when the movie starts.”
“Ok. I’ll buy.”
“Thanks Blakey. You’re the best boa Eva!” then she went for it once again, the lip wrestling match round two. He pulled away. Over already? At least for now. Then he spun round, his heels gliding gently on the gravel, one foot in front of the other, and simply walked away.

“Ooooh. Isn’t Blake the best boy ever?” Miranda swooned.
“He’s not my type. But for you, yes.” I nodded. But what about her other boy friend outside of school, Mason? Or the other man, Jared? Were they as special to her as Blake? Or were they more to her?
“I know he’s not your type. He’s so wild and crazy, where as your quiet, sensible and risk free. To him you’re probably just an obedient puppy.” She gloated. That hurt. I was in love with Blake too. At least, before my dream. I guess she didn’t mean to hurt me. My comment had just kicked in her defencemode I guess

I was totally in love with Blake. He was soooooo hot. But he never paid any attention to me. Only Miranda. She was his prize. If he were to dump Miranda and go for me, he wouldn’t be so popular then would he? He was where he was in the social chain because of Miranda. They were the school’s power couple.

Blake would take advantage of me because he knew how I felt. I bet my eyes told him everything; everything I wanted to push deep inside myself so he could never find out, but they told him. They wanted him and so did the rest of me. Shame my eyes couldn’t keep a secret. So that was it. Blake and Miranda, never Blake and me.

So we paraded up through the school gates. We slipped up to Geography and ducked through the pink, painted girl’s bathroom door and took to our office.

The office was quite small. In the center of the immaculate tiled floor was a small school table that we got some older boys to nick from some classroom. They were so willing. Especially since Miranda asked. Also we had a swivel chair we managed to get from the R.E teacher’s class. We hate her. We bully her to tears sometimes. She deserves it though. She sometimes slaps people and she can’t even teacher her own lesson. She’d be better with teaching grapes how to do a back flip! We also took a plant off her. She couldn’t do anything about it though. The plant had spiky green leaves with small branches. It was my favourite.

We also had a small waiting corner; there were lilac chairs we brought in. Already, three people were sat there, waiting for Miranda’s arrival. One was a young girl, around year seven. She wore the uniform very practically (with her tie nice and long and her skirt knee length) She had puffy blonde hair and sea green eyes. They were swimming in the small, round tears that were beginning to erupt out from her eye lids. Her lips quivered with sorrow.

“Rose. Get here now,” Miranda’s voice went as sour as poison. I had never seen this girl before. All I know is she was sent to do a job by Miranda. I think it was something to do with a punishment for some boy. I think she mentioned that he tried to touch her! AND was not on the snog list (which is a special list we made up of touchable boys) but she never told me what the punishment was yet.

Miranda and Rose stared at each other, unblinking, unspeaking. Like two statues made to look at each other forever, still and quiet.
“Rose,” Miranda’s voice was now sweet and calm. The anger had drained from her and she was now tranquil.

“Can you tell me exactly why you never let off that stink bomb in that nerd’s bag? Because you know what can happen when you don’t do what I tell you to” Miranda levitated her fingers and directed at the scrapbook on her desk. “The book of shame. You’ve seen this before haven’t you? Rosie.” The big book of shame. A scrapbook filled with photos of every kid who had disobeyed Miranda. Each was taken after they had been given a punishment of their own. Miranda had sent Rosie before to do jobs. Nasty jobs. Rosie was in trouble a lot at school, when she got in really big trouble she turned to Miranda. Miranda sent me to bully the teachers using whatever I could find. Blackmail, threats or even Miranda’s goons that could, I guess you could say, ruff them up a little. Anyway we could get what we wanted easy. Only, that bullying came at a price.

Rose directed her eyes to the floor. A small tear rolled down her check. It dripped off her chin and hit the floor.
“I... I... guess I just couldn’t,” Rose, suddenly alert, looked Miranda straight in the eyes. “But I could try again, maybe with two? One in his bag and another down his boxers. He’ll just be glad to be touched by a girl.” Rose’s eyes glinted with childish excitement.

“That’s what I need Rosie. Revenge. Do that and I’ll get that ugly Miss Beetle off your case,” They smiled at each other, wide and toothy. “So, next time I should be seeing you will be when Benny Whitley gets a stink bomb stuck in his shorts. See ya later.” Rose turned on her short school heals and left through the bathroom door. It swung gently after, the crumbly paintwork fluttering down to the floor.

“NEXT!” Miranda called. Next was yet another fit guy from year 8. His perfect gelled hair glinted in the bathroom light and his peachy completion really complimented his eyes. His pure white, non regulation trainers travelled gently but surely across the room to the desk. His soft looking, blue jeans touched the chair at the opposite side of the desk as he sat. His hands folded and then darted over to lean closer to Miranda.

“So... Miranda baby. I was wondering,” He leaned his face closer to hers, their lips almost touching. “You wanna dump that guy... Blake... and go out with a real man.”
“Maybe you can call me when you find one. Maybe one who doesn’t use so much hair gel? I mean seriously, that’s way too much even for you Timmy. Cut the crap and get outta my office.” His face was a picture of hurt. Then hate.
“Ok then babe, but you don’t know what your missin.” And with that, he stormed out of the room, dragging his school bag at his ankles.

“Typical boy. Everyone wants a piece of the Miranda. But they get… What do they get Leanne?” She sneered.
“Nothing.” I’ve probably said that at least 87 times. Maybe more! She was so self absorbed. But she was my Bezzie. We were friends for life. I put up with her and she put up with me. It’s the way we worked. No questions, no answers.

There was one more sat, he leaned back on his chair, cocky and self loving. The smile, that cursed his face, told us he was here for one reason and one reason only.
“If you’re here to ask me out, you’re wasting your time bozo.” Miranda yelled. Then came the sound that pieced the air. The bell, time for class.

Chapter 3 of my school story. Please be as harsh as you can while commentng. Thank-you :D
Last edited by JJxVoodo on Sun May 01, 2011 5:27 pm, edited 11 times in total.
Maybe imperfection is the best thing, for without imperfection neither you nor I would be here today.
  





User avatar
9 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1217
Reviews: 9
Sun May 01, 2011 1:25 am
View Likes
Peach says...



Wow, this was really good! I couldn't stop reading, I just wanted to see what horrible thing Miranda did next! your MC is pretty good and believeable, but Miranda is a little too mean. MAke her believable by giving her a reason for all this. Maybe she thinks she's helping the school. Also, your MC could use a better reason for being best friends with Miranda. I get that this is one of those queen bee stories, but you could still make your MC be friends with miranda since birth or know a horrible secret, something to give her more reason. It was very good, yo have good enough flow to keep my attention! :)
  





User avatar
135 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1747
Reviews: 135
Sun May 01, 2011 1:40 am
View Likes
stargazer9927 says...



Hi! I've come to review part three. I'm following you now in case you didn't know that so I'll get the chance to read the entire novel. You could say I'm stalking you:)

Spoiler! :
The jittery bus stuttered to a halt at the terminus: my stop.

There should be a colon there.
Yes, I deserve it.

Comma instead of period here.
The school gates stood as a tall structure of hard, warm metal. As the secret glimmers of sun reflected of the silver paintwork, the girl behind the paint stared back at me. An exact image of what I had become. A mask. A mask of lies and secrets that never showed. A poker face of sin and lies.

Beautiful paragraph. It was very descriptive and the wording just sounded great.
“Minnie!” the deep, soothing voice of Blake was breathed onto Miranda’s neck.

The t should be lower cased because you're ending a quote not starting a new sentence, and there should be a comma in between your two adjectives.
She was a modern day slut but never had anyone said it to her face.

Am I missing something here? If two guys like her but she likes someone else that wouldn't really make her a slut, rather a player. But I might be missing something that happened or maybe you meant it for it to mean what you're thinking. Just in my opinion a slut is someone in a completely different category than a player. I don't like to use that word but I couldn't think of a way to word it so it didn't sound weird if I didn't.
“So, you wanna do somethin at the weekend babe?” Miranda chirped.

Did you mean this weekend? At the weekend doesn't make much sense to me. You also missed the period at the end. But I did notice chirped sounded right for this line:)
I know it was an obvious answer (which she should have been known), but she’s my best friend.

Half my brain just seems to download it all into my head.

I really like that sentence. They're teenagers and using a word like download to describe their brain was just brilliant.
I’ll pick you up at your house of Sunday at around…”

I think you meant on Sunday rather than of Sunday.
“5? That’s when the movie starts.”

The five needs to be spelled out.
And she went for it once again, the lip wrestling match round two.

This would be an instance where the and should be capitalized. I know some rules of English are hard to keep up with:)
“Ooooh. Isn’t Blake the best boy ever?” Miranda swooned.

Great use of vocabulary. I don't think I even know what that word means.
where as your quiet, sensible, and risk free.

My comment had just kicked in her defensemode I guess.

I was totally in love with Blake. He was soooooo hot. But he never paid any attention to me. Only Miranda. She was his prize. If he were to dump Miranda and go for me, he wouldn’t be so popular then would he? He was where he was in the social chain because of Miranda. They were the school’s power couple.

I think a lot of girls can relate to this. It's just something about high school (or middle school) and being a teenager
In the center of the immaculate, tiled floor was a small school table that we got some older boys to nick from some classroom.

There was no need for a comma there.
She sometimes slaps people and she can’t even teachher own lesson.

We also had a small waiting corner; there were lilac chairs we brought in.

There were already three people were sat there, waiting for Miranda’s arrival.

You may want to rearrange this sentence because it doesn't make any sense with the way it sounds now.
“Rose. Get in here,”

Rosie was in trouble a lot at school,

“NEXT!” Miranda called. Next was yet another fit guy from year 8. His perfect gelled hair glinted in the bathroom light and his peachy completion really complimented his eyes. His pure white, non regulation trainers travelled gently but surely across the room to the desk. His soft looking, blue jeans touched the chair at the opposite side of the desk as he sat. His hands folded and then darted over to lean closer to Miranda.

This reminds me of a TV show or movie like Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide. But I would hope this doesn't really happen at actual schools :O
What do they get Leanne?” she sneered.


I think your number one problem was your grammar. Just work on it and go back over and edit your story to make sure it's the best it can be.

This was a very interesting school. And this chapter really helped the readers to get to know the characters a little more. When I read the second chapter I wasn't expecting their personalities to be quite like this. But this is all just the rising action before the climax right? I can't wait to read the climax. I'm like one of those people that read the last page of a book because they're so excited to hear the ending. That's how I feel about this story.

Keep posting!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D
  





User avatar
763 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3888
Reviews: 763
Sun May 01, 2011 1:43 am
View Likes
Lava says...



So, I have to agree with Peachy here.
Miranda seems to need a reason to be like this. She's mean, she's spiteful and I don't like her. And even the antagonist (if) may need some strong three dimensional character. And why is your MC best friends with Miranda? Just losing brothers cannot be a strong enough pull.
On the plot, this chapter bored me. High school drama, yes. It's an easy premise to start writing but unless you really do something interesting with the plot your reader would get bored. This chapter is entirely about Miranda. Do I get the feel that your MC sticks onto her because of insecurity? Or if she's stronger, I want her to react. I think you need to show more of their relation than Miranda's mean streak. Show us what goes on besides the daily things. Something to spark our interest.

Good luck!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1267
Reviews: 11
Sun May 01, 2011 5:31 pm
JJxVoodo says...



Hey, thank-you to everyone that replyed. Don't worry, there is more to the realationship between Miranda and Leanne than I have said, you are going to have to keep reading to find out. Thanks again for all the help!

Keep writing- good luck

JJxVoodo
Maybe imperfection is the best thing, for without imperfection neither you nor I would be here today.
  








Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
— "Hamlet," William Shakespeare