Young Writers Society

So you sailed away, and promised us both to never return. You ran away from love, from feelings that had grown bigger than they ought to. Should I blame it on you? No. I know it's helpless. I can feel it too, just- not for you...because for me you were always a big brother.

It took me hours to accept you had departed; it was the coldest and darkest night of all. I didn't even say Goodbye because I didn't want to see myself crying, and I know you didn't want that either. You just left, you knew I couldn't love you that way. You were telling me to remember you fondly and to reminisce only the things that would make me smile. Your last words kept playing in my head for hours; I dreamt of you all night. But you were gone...forever. When I saw the sun painting the ocean with flames, I knew the dawn was breaking. I couldn't fight those holy tears back because I knew that in the evening I wouldn't be able to talk to you about the beautiful sunrise God had made that morning.

Remember that time when my optimistic personality made me burst out, "Life is wonderful because God is beautiful!"? You chuckled and patted my head. But I can't see things like that anymore; God is with us, but you're gone. And I tried to smile, 'cause I know that's what you'd like.
So how could such a beautiful feeling -love- tear us apart? I offered you one way to love me, fraternally, but your heart was beating harder than that.

Sitting on the sand, I learned waves come and go, like everything in life. The air embraces me and wipes off my tears, but they will never come back. I'm still looking at the sea, where your image faded away hours ago, and I keep a humble hope, that soon the ocean wind brings you back to me.

*Edited* Thanks everyone for the reviews! <3

Hi! First off: I really enjoyed this piece! I have to say, it was a little disjointed in some parts and many sentences seemed to go on forever, but strangely, I liked it. I liked it because it somehow fitted. It made it quirky. I like quirky! lol! I loved the whole theme of your story; it's simplictity tugged at my heart strings. Very well done! here's a nitpick!

Solvalery wrote:So you sailed away, and promised us both to never return. (You) Ran away from love, from feelings that had grown bigger than they had ( 'ought' instead of had) to. Should I blame it on you? No, I know it's helpless, (.) I can feel it too. Just- not for you... because for me you were always a big brother.

It took me hours to accept you had departed, (:) it was the coldest and darkest night of all. I didn't even say Goodbye because I didn't want to see (how could she see herself crying? Perhaps you should say 'hear' or expound on the embarresment she would've felt ect) myself crying, and I know you didn't want that either. You just left, you knew I couldn't love you that way, you were telling me to remember you fondly and to reminisce only the things that would make me smile. Your last words kept playing in my head for hours, (;) I dreamt of you all night. But, you were gone... forever. When I saw the sun painting the ocean with flames, I knew the dawn was breaking. I couldn't fight those holy tears back because I knew that in the evening I wouldn't be able to talk to you about the beautiful sunrise God had made (in the - perhaps 'that' would be a better alternitive) morning.

Remember that day my perky, optimistic personality said, ( I obviously can't tell you what to write, but I think this sentence would be more effective if written: Remember that day, when the optomistic side of my personality shone through, when I blurted out, "...ect") "Life is wonderful because God is beautiful!"? You chuckled and patted my head. But I can't see things like that anymore, (:) God is with us, but you're gone. And I tried to smile, 'cause I know that's what you'd like.
So, how could such a beautiful feeling -love- tear us apart? I offered you one way to love me, fraternally, but your heart was beating harder than that.

Sitting on the sand, I learned waves come and go, like everything in life. The air embraces me and wipes off my tears, but it ( if you're talking about the tears, write: and they) will never come back. Though (scrap the though) I'm still looking at the sea, where your image faded away hours ago, and I keep a humble hope, that soon the ocean wind brings you back to me.

Hope this helps. Great job. AC xxx

I really loved this. It actually shows the sincerity behind a womans feelings. Plenty of women lost the loves of their lives, sailors who put their pride on as shields and went to face oversea enemies, only to make no return. You did very well with wording, using very lovely vivid imagery to bring this piece. And the title suits it very well, too! Sweet, simple, effective. Nice work!

Hey Hey
This was good and although I didnt quite understand (sorry, in a bit of a rush) I caught the basic feeling.

I adore this..

"Remember that time when my optimistic personality made me burst out, "Life is wonderful because God is beautiful!"? You chuckled and patted my head. But I can't see things like that anymore: God is with us, but you're gone. And I tried to smile, 'cause I know that's what you'd like."

.. But dont make it your 'optimistic personality' making you say that. Did you struggle trying to put something there? I know what youre getting at, but when youre bringing God into the equation its more of a spiritual thing than a personality thing, if that makes much sense. I could be totally wrong, but that paragraph was so beautiful, just that part caught me.

Well done

Hi Solv!

So I have to say... I am wondering what sort of relationship they had. It sounds like the girl really didn't care, but the guy possibly had feelings for her, etc.? So I was kind of curious as to his motives as well. Maybe you can expand on that a bit! I think it would make the piece a whole lot better. Right now, it's pretty vague as it is.

Hey Sol! Shubhi here to review for her triplet sister! :3 I'm glad it's been featured, but that makes me bit funny about if I'd be able to help you out since you've already been so appreciated. But...but, I'll try my best.


It's been like so long since I reviewed...almost a year, and I didn't know that you had transformed into such a beautiful writer. Your writing has taken a huge leap since I last reviewed, and maybe it was for the different style, but everything seemed perfect. Your grammar has really improved and there was nothing I could find which could be called 'a grammar error'. That's one thing, and I would really like to say or rather applaud for such a big improvement.

I saw that even though the story was kind of a telling thing, you did try to include the showing thing with the description of the sun and all. I liked that approach, but what I can say or add is that I might have liked bit more. More as in don't go on explaining the colour or shape of his boat, or whatever he used to sail(ship, maybe). But you could maybe show or tell how she misses to see his [add descriptions] face. How she longs to see it. Don't show that in a romantic kind of way since that was never what she felt him to be. But maybe show how as a brother he longs for her.

Now coming to the plot, and the character development, I'd have to agree with Snoink to an extent. I did get their relationship, and the guy's motives but still their relationship felt underdeveloped. I would have liked if you could have brought in more of her character or how she loved him, or how they met, what kind of rapport they shared and all that. Otherwise, this seems to fall flat.

Now, even though I did like this, I am still not sure of this piece. If it were to be read once, it was perfect, but to register this into the readers' memories, it needs bit of more shaping. First, I'd have liked to see it a bit longer. Show more of their relationship, as I said earlier and more of the story's plot. You need to explore more. First of all, I knew how he sailed away, but I'd like to know what made him do that. I mean, how or where he went to? Was it just to escape or there was some place he worked on and all that. I can't pinpoint on one thing but I am sure that it can do with more of work. I would like to suggest you, since you're a good poet, to try making this into a poem, too. It would be fun to write and as well as read. xD!

Other than that as I said before I really didn't have a problem with following this, but there were some questions which were unanswered in the end. I thought that it would develop into much more than just this, but I was a bit disappointed. But I won't force you on changing it since it seems sweet even now. But you should re-consider this, and it would be great for you to rework it.


Thanks a lot for the read, and I hope you start posting your novels, too.

P.S. I was so glad when I saw a review request from you. :3

#Lovely Triplet

First of all, Sol, CONGRATS ON THE FEATURE! You did great! xD

Nitpicks:

No, I know it's helpless.

- I think 'No' and the rest of the sentence would be better if they are separated into 2 sentences.

I can feel it too, just- not for you... because for me you were always a big brother.

- The punctuation in the part before the ellipsis seems messy. >.<
- I don't think there should be spaces after ellipses.

You just left, you knew I couldn't love you that way, you were telling me to remember you fondly and to reminisce only the things that would make me smile.

- I think that all of these fragments should be separated by periods and not commas 'cause the ideas in them don't seem to cohere with one another as a single sentence.

I dreamt of you all night.

- I think you can be more creative with this sentence.

But, you were gone... forever.

- You shouldn't put a comma after a coordinating conjunction. If you intended a pause, I suggest using an ellipsis.
- Put no space after an ellipsis.

When I saw the sun painting the ocean with flames, I knew the dawn was breaking.

- Omg. How poetic! *thumbs up* And I love the imagery in the first half!

I couldn't fight those holy tears back because I knew that in the evening I wouldn't be able to talk to you about the beautiful sunrise God had made that morning.

- This part is touching.

But I can't see things like that anymore: God is with us, but you're gone.

- I think you should just use a period instead of a colon here.

So, how could such a beautiful feeling -love- tear us apart?

- Same thing with the 'And' earlier. (You shouldn't put a comma after a coordinating conjunction.)
- Maybe, it's better if you put spaces before and after 'love'?

I offered you one way to love me, fraternally, but your heart was beating harder than that.

- Ooh. Nice way of telling us why the guy left.

...that soon the ocean wind brings you back to me.

- I love the ending! I can feel the emotion!


Awesome job, Sol! This is very touching! Maybe, it's just me, but I believe you succeeded at making the emotion in the story shine through by the end of the 2nd paragraph. I can't say anything else. I think I pretty much said my other comments in some of the nitpicks. This one really does deserve to be featured and you've made a great improvement since the last SHORT story of yours that got featured.

Never stop writing!