Young Writers Society

Ron:
I had lot on my mind, and the least I wanted was some drunken customer going on a vandalism drive in my club. Cmon, why this day from all the rest? I didn't have a moment to spare, but duty was calling me.

I clenched my hands into a fist as I stomped towards the private bar’s entrance. As I neared the bar, sounds of breaking of glass increased to deafen my ears, and if it wasn’t enough, the loud thumping music added to the nuisance. I tried calculating the money that was going to waste with every crack. Panic with a tinge of fury rose through me like a fire.

I paused. Maybe I was getting a bit too panicky. A bit too girly. Maybe it was just regular fun going on in there; bit of drinking, bit of dancing and a huge amount of craziness. It could be by mistake that the glasses had fallen on the floor. A human error! I just couldn’t turn hysterical every time I heard noise. Also, it was a pub/disco/club for Christ’s sake. If people didn’t go gaga here, then where would they?
Sticking to my new idea, I turned back and I was glad for it. But it wasn’t long before all my doubts were washed away and another noise entered my ears.
Had somebody just broken a glass? Again?
The mere thought of someone destroying club’s property under my supervision pressed the anger meter within me, and I felt like punching the criminal on their stomach. But I had to wait for now.
Whirling around for the second time, I increased my pace, and to divert my mind for the time being started focusing on the tip-tap sound of my Armani shoes. Armani shoes had to do for now. The manliest thing to do! It wasn’t the best creative idea I had invented, but it was working. My mind swayed to the weird, but soothing echo the shoes created, followed by loud treble of the music.
In front of me there was a silver metallic door, with ‘Entry on Reservation Only’. I puffed in a deep breath. Of all the places in the world, of all the profession why did I chose to become a part of this mad circuit? I threw open the door to find matchstick like figures of people crowding my vision. They seemed to be stained with different colours; green, pink, red, blue radiating from the strobes hanging above. Everything seemed usual, with people strewn like ants; some knocked down on the floor, some lifting high into another world. Everything looked usual, but things were not the same for my ears.
“Gimme back,” a sharp voice crawled its way through the heavy crowd to reach me. Someone had to be shouting at the top of their lungs to get their voices reached here.
Loud voices boomed in my head, although the figures still bopped. Shaking my hands, I ventured deep into the pool of drunkards, druggies and depression addicts. The air was stifling, making breathing almost impossible. Having people sweating on your suit didn’t make things any better. It seemed like the AC had finally given up on us, and I made a mental note to call the maintenance person, Jack. After all, he was charging hefty money from the discotheque owners.
Putting a hand in front of my nose to block the stench that whizzed from people’s mouth, I paved my way. I had to push people, and sometimes some of them would glare at me for a good minute and then realizing something, turned their backs. Maybe it was my suit and CIA agent looks that clipped their mouth shut. It was funny, but these people filled my pockets and stomach. I had to tolerate them. No matter what happened.
“You don’t talllkkk to meee like that!” A girl slurred at a high pitch, followed by a numb silence.
Judging from the voice, I knew it had to be the same one who had bellowed earlier. The music had just stopped, making me realize the kind of noise I had been walking in. As the music no longer boomed in my ears, there was a buzz going in my ears, before they could switch to normal mode.
“Miss, please calm down,” Nathan’s voice soothed down the situation a bit.
My manager instincts had just bolted up the feeling in me that there was much more than just vandalism we were talking about here.
I rushed towards the source of the sound and while in process, I realized how many people were staring at the scene. Everyone had stopped their work, if getting drunk can be counted to that. Eyeballs popping like golf balls, they all watched in silence as the commotion unwrapped before them. Their presence had created sort of a circle where in between the drama took place.
Finally I was there. Near the DJ’s deck, there laid a black gunny bag and Nathan stood near, pointing towards it. He repeatedly roved his hand in the air, and it most likely felt that he was talking to the air. I looked around the gunny bag to realize that the area was strewn with broken pieces of glasses, and a two to three lemons lying, too. My heart gave out a lurch. Why did I have to be a perfectionist all the time, to feel frustrated when in a blip?
Soon, I realized my black gunny bag wasn’t a gunny bag after all, but a seventeen year old something girl who sat curled up into a ball. Her back was bent like a rubber band, seeming flexible enough to be made into dough. First her back rocked, then lifting her head up, she took in the view.
“What’s goin’ on?” I demanded, as I entered the area. Nathan was most surprised to see me. His dropped jaws were enough to make me realize it. He struggled for words to enter his mouth, and for a moment I thought he had been drinking, too.
“Nothing important, Ron,” he finally managed. A weak smile materialized on his freckled face, but it wasn’t enough to reach me. I fixated my eyes on him.
By the time I was done glaring at Nathan, the girl had somehow managed to stand upright with the help of a pillar. Or had at least tried to. Even when she was on her feet, she would jiggle and repeatedly fall on the bar table nearby. Her bloodshot eyes were welled up with tears, and her skyscraper stilettos created a screeching sound as she tried to reach the dancing floor.
“Miss, are you alright?” I reached for her, and carefully put my hand around her shoulder. Jerking her shoulder, she pushed me away. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ears, she eased herself up and eyed me levelly.
“I don’t wantcha any help,” she bobbed her head, waving me off. I knew she had been the one shouting her lungs away before.
“Let me handle this, ma’am, while you sit there,” I continued to speak anyways and pointed towards a sofa at the end of the room. She considered my prospect for a long moment and looked at the faraway corner, but soon gave up on it.
“Lemme just kill this man,” she spoke, choking on her words. I carried my gaze to where hers was fixated to, and wasn’t surprised to find her staring at Nathan. He did look suspicious to me in the beginning. I backed off a little, but not enough to let her escape out of my sight.
“Please, try and understand,” I reasoned out.
“And why?” She again looked me into my eyes, trying to convey something. I blinked my eyes to break her gaze.
“Just tell me what happened.”
“Would you carre to listen?” She asked, licking her blood red lips. I nodded.
“Fine,” she started in a monotone. I noticed that she had finally found a balance in her body and now stood without bobbling. “This man there,” she pointed towards Nathan, “owes me twenty thousand dollars.”
I looked over her shoulders to find Nathan’s face turned a deeper shade of red. What was it? Embarrassment...Anger...Fear? I had to still figure that out.
My throat tightened as I recalled the figure ‘twenty thousand dollars’. What possibly could make Nathan borrow so much money? I sucked in a breath.
“For what? I mean, why did you lend him?”
She looked around her. At people who stared at her in awe. People who themselves were as befuddled as she was. People, who although existed physically, but their mind had roved off to another world. Heaven is what they called. As if something had struck her mind, she started walking again. Or limping.
“Wait,” I rushed to catch up with her. Soon, the music was blaring again at its top speed, and everyone had joined the DJ to rock. Like nothing had even taken place. I looked back for a moment, but could neither find Nathan following us or a trace of him. I grasped the girl’s arm and ushered her to a relatively silent corner. She protested, but her words were muffled against the music.
“Leave me,” she demanded. I let loose my grip on her, but didn’t leave her way.
“My name’s Ron-”
“Ronald Weasely?” Her face split into a huge grin. “That man...no, boy, is a joke. But not weirder than the great HARRY POTTER,” she laughed uncontrollably.
I rubbed my hands and looked up at the ceiling. Strobes of variety of colours flashed on our faces. The light dancing on her face transformed the colour of her face to a diluted pink.
“No.” I tried to put forward a smile, but that’s difficult when you find your brother to be drenched up in debts.
“Fine, fine,” she spoke with a wague wave of her hand. “What is it?”
“You just mentioned my brother, Nathan, owes you twenty,” I gulped down. “-thousand dollars, right?”
She nodded, twisting her lips into a twisted smile. “I lent him some, but now he won’t give me back.” The word ‘some’ made me doubtful. Either she was a rich lass loaded with buckets of money, or she had bluffed about the amount earlier. As soon as a smile had crippled to her face, it faded again and she was sobbing profusely.
“Umm, sorry, but why you cryin’? I thought back to anything I had done which could have offended her, but could think of none.
“He even cheated on me. Told me that he was going to meet Chan,” she started breathing rapidly. “… but was with Sandra,” she choked on her words while crying like a little girl. So…she was his girlfriend? And who was this Chan?
“I’ll talk to him,” I assured her.
“You can’t…he’s out of anybody’s reach,” she explained as she wiped a tear from her face. Her emerald green eyes were bordered with smudged mascara and what had been applied to make her look pretty spoilt her image altogether.
“What do you mean? Why did you-” I was cut off abruptly.
“Give him money?”
“Yes.” I was glad she had caught my question in this stupor state of hers.
“Uh-huh! Maybe because I have a lot of it, and I didn’t know anythin’ better to do with it,” she spun on her heels, and in process finally fell down. I stepped ahead to take her hand, but she shook her head.
“Don’t you love him? Tell me so we’d save him, to bring him back to you.” This had to work. She regarded me a moment longer and shrugged. She shoved her hand on the floor, and applying pressure on it, got up.
“But he doesn’t love me,” she spoke. Her pain scrubbed off my worries for a moment. Nathan had to be a jerk to toy with someone like this.
“He does. He’s just…please, c'mon tell me.” I was losing patience now. It had to be my patient avatar till now, and I would have been sorry if I had to break it.
“Fine, fine,” she began with a vague wave of her hand. “He’s into drugs. Hard drugs. Marijuana, smoking pot, heroin, you name it, and he takes it.” She again started jiggling. Finally, she put her head against the wall.
I was taken aback. Shocked. Like a slat had just passed through my heart. My brother? My own kid brother? When had he grown so much that he could pass through a thing like this without my knowing?
“Are you okay?” She asked, but her concern seemed to be a scoff. She softly held my hand, but I pulled back.
“Are you speaking the truth?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” she laughed. Yeah, right. Just a look at her pathetic self spoke of the reasons I shouldn’t trust her. Maybe she had been lying all time; about the cheating thing, debts on Nathan, about drugs, and what not. But I couldn’t completely ignore her. Nathan did seem to be growing odd with passing time. He rarely came to the family reunions, and when he did, it was in his old worn sneakers and an oversized T-shirt. His jeans gave the look of a visit to a jungle where a tigress had ripped off his jeans with her paws. His eyes were always reminding me of beetroot. I snatched myself back from those thoughts.
“I gotta go,” I started walking. “But let me make sure that you’re being escorted safe back,” I added with considerable intelligence.
“I’ll let you do that,” she smiled and soon she was walking in front of me. I noticed how unbelievably small her waist was, and more than a teenager girl, she seemed more of a kid. Her short black dress reached about twenty centimeters away from her knees, and clinched at her abs.
Just a brief look at her, and my mind had again wandered back to the ruins my brother was living in. He had been aloof lately, and I had not even noticed it. Somehow, my mind convinced me that it was my entire fault that he was swimming in such a Death Sea. He had become the bad boy of the family, while I still remained the calm, decent boy.
You’re a useless brother, my mind grumbled.
“What’s your name by the way?” I asked, trying to break the circuit of thoughts running in my mind.
Without turning back, she responded, “Emily.”
“How did you meet my brother?” We were now again in the muddled area of the disco and I immediately jogged to take the lead.
“He came to The Serpent,” she shrugged.
“The what?”
“It’s a kind of pub where they smuggle in everyone.” She coughed. “Including drug peddlers. It’s a great way to make contacts for your business, you know?” I wished I knew.
“You’re into drugs, too?” I shoved open the door, taking a last peek at the crowd to find Nathan, but he was no where to be found. I had to deal with him later.
“What ’bout my money, huh?”
“What about it?”
“The money your brother owes me,” she said.
“Oh, that? I’ll have it sent to you by tomorrow. Give me your address,” I replied.
“Yeah, so you can tell my parents?” She bristled. She seemed pretty realistic and smart sometimes, but at other times, her mind just bent down to alcohol.
“I didn’t have that on my mind,” I replied rather sheepishly.
She didn’t reply this time, and I took this as a closure for our conversation. I kept on treading quietly, trying my best to avoid the turmoil over my brother. How was I going to tell my parents, or should I try to sort this out on my own first?
***
“Make sure she reaches back safe.” I stuffed a huge big green bill in the cab driver’s hands and he flashed a smile.
“Count on me, sir,” he replied enthusiastically.
“Is it gonna take whole night?” Emily tapped her heels hard on the concrete below. I tried to ignore the rudeness and patted on the shoulder of the cabbie. In the last fifteen minutes, she had barfed twice, swooned once and had taken half of my staff to bring her back to normalcy. However, now that she had vomited, she was a bit less weird.
“Try not to be a mess,” I replied to her. Ignoring me, she brushed past me, and hopped in the cab. I tried to avoid the rudeness twice in a row. She had even turned ruder now maybe because now that she was in her senses a bit, she had realized the danger she was in. Did she really think I’d tell on her parents?
The cab took off, storming the area with dust. I coughed.
I looked at my watch. 10:35 PM. Alicia won’t be happy at all.
My phone started beeping, and I dug my hand into my suit’s pocket to bring out my mobile phone.
Flashing on the screen was the photo of Alicia, her smile radiating positive energy all around. Feeling elated for the first time since I had crossed the door of the pub, I picked up the call from my girlfriend.
“Where are you?” She spoke in a whisper.
“Umm, sorry. Got caught with somethin’,” I said, looking around me. The buildings towered all around, and for a moment I had that claustrophobic rising up to my throat. “Should be there in half an hour.”
“God knows what took you so long,” she spoke sadly. “It’s my birthday, and-“
“Your lecture’s going to turn me few hours more late,” I joked. A light laugh came from that side.
“Okay, be here,” she replied and ended the call.
It was my love’s birthday, the day I had planned on making the best day of her life, and here I was…delving into my silly brother’s mistake and...
…there was no one to be blamed but me.

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review I will be nit-picky about grammar and such, but don't take it personal; I just want you to have an awesome story. Now on to the meat of your review:

That too, while I was in duty.

What does this mean exactly? I'm a little confused.

I clenched tight my hands into a fist as I stomped towards the private bar’s entrance.

This is just a personal opinion, but I think it reads better if it's I clench my hands tightly into a fist...

Maybe it was just regular fun going on in there. Bit of drinking, bit of dancing and a huge amount of craziness.

The second sentence isn't a complete one; to fix this replace the period after there with a comma and make the b on bit lower cased.

Sticking to my new idea, I turned back. But it wasn’t long before all my doubts were washed away and another noise entered my ears.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Conjunctions are used to combine two complete sentence together after a comma is used. When you start a sentence with a conjunction it makes the sentence look like a fragment and sound like on as weel. List of conjunctions (fanboys): For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. To fix you dilemma just replace the period after back with a comma and lower case the b in but.

But I had to wait for now.

Because the sentence before this is already combined with a conjunction you can just take the but out of this one. I also don't understand this sentence. He had to wait for what?

I carried my gaze to where he fixated to, and wasn’t surprised to find her staring at Nathan.

Just a silly typo, but I think it should be where she

At people who started at her in awe.

Typo, it should stared not started

People who themselves were as befuddled as she was.

There should be commas around themselves.

Heaven, what they called.

Heaven is what they called it.

As if something had struck her mind, she started walking again. Or limping.

Replace the period after again with a comma and lower case Or.

Soon, the music was blaring again at its top speed and everyone had joined the DJ to rock.

There should be a comma afterspeed because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

Like nothing had even taken place.

This is nto a complete sentence. I suggest replacing the period after the sentence before this with a blank space then lower case Like.

“That man...no, boy, is a joke. But not weirder than the great HARRY POTTER,” she laughed uncontrollably.

Try not to start a sentence with a conjunction, but sense she's drunk I can let it slide

As soon as a smile had crippled to her face, it faded again and she was sobbing profusely.

Add a comma after again because you are combining two complete sentences together.

“Umm, sorry, but why you cryin’?

Make sure to always punctuate your dialogue correctly. You forgot your ending qoutation mark.

I thought back to any words I had said or gesture I had shown which could have offended her. But could think of none.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Replace the period after her with a comma and lower case But.

“Yes.” I was glad he had caught my question in this stupor state of hers.

Just a typo it should be glad she

“Uh-huh! Maybe because I have a lot of it, and I didn’t know anythin’ better to do with it,” she spun on her heels, and in process finally fell down. I stepped ahead to take her hand, but she shook her head.

Is she just being sarcastic? because I feel like this dialogue just doesn't seem real. Like somebody really would never say this even if they were loaded with tons of cash. They would always find a reason to give it away, not just cause I had alot of it.

Marijuana, smoking pot, heroin, you name it, and he takes it.” She again started jiggling. Finally, she put her head against the wall.

There needs to be a comma after you name it

“Why wouldn’t I?” She laughed.

This should be separate from the paragraph below because everytime someone talks it should be in a new line all be itself.

Maybe she had been lying all time; about the cheating thing, debts on Nathan, about drugs, and what not. But I couldn’t completely ignore her.

A semi-colon is used to combine two complete sentences with similar ideas without using a conjunction; right now you are using the semi-colon incorrectly, but because you have a sentence starting with a conjunction right after that we can fix this whole big mess. Just replace the period after what not with a comma and lower case the but.

“I’ll let you do that,” she smiled and soon she was walking in front of me.

I don't know if I caught this before, so you'll have to go back and check the dialogue befire this.
The comma after that should be a period and there should be a comma after smiled.
You only add a comma after the dialogue if you add he/she said/replied/muttered etc. at the end. If they are directly doing an action it is a separate sentence so you add a period after the dialogue. For example:
"I love you, tony," Chris said.
"I love you, tony." Chris kissed him on the cheek.
"I love you, tony." She kissed him, as he stood frozen.
"I love you, tony," She replied, as she kissed him.

We were now again in the muddled area of the disco and I immediately jogged to take the lead.

There should be a comma after disco because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

“He came to The Serpent,” she shrugged.

The comma after Serpent should be a period because shrugged is an action.

“The money your brother owes me,” she said.

This is how to correctly punctuate your dialogue Bravo!

“Yeah, so you could tell my parents?” She bristled.

Could should be can.

“Make sure she reaches back safe,” I stuffed a huge big green bill in the cab driver’s hands and he smiled.

There should be a period after safe and a comma after hands.

In the last fifteen minutes, she had barfed twice, swooned once and had taken half of my staff to bring her back to normalcy. But now that she had vomited, she was a bit less weird.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Replace the comma after normalcy with a comma and lower case But.

Did she really think I’d tell on her parents?

Are you telling on her parents or her? Since I assume you mean her take the word parents out of this sentence.

A light laugh came from that side.

From what side?

“Okay, be here,” she replied and cancelled the call.

She didn't cancel the call she ended it.

Overall I like you idea, but I feel like this chapter needs work. Your sentences weren't always clear on their meaning, and sometimes I got lost in the text of it all. I felt like in some places you wrote full paragraphs to just take a space when a few words would have been enough. Number one rule, though, always re-read your work, and maybe do a little self editing, too. I would love to review the next chapter, so please let me know when you post them.

Have a great day and if you have any questions about my review please ask away
Tiffany

Aloha Shubhi!

Here as requested. ^^

Nitpicks hidden in the spoiler.


~

You have a good plot, Shubhi. However, the main problem you tend to crack is your wording. There are instances when they fall into some places awkwardly, pronouns are jumping here and tehre(like you use "he" instead of "she), and your punctuation especially in dialogs. Considering that English is not your first language, those grammatical errors are forgivable. But the again, if you want to have a stronger prose then I suggest that you read your work aloud, so you'll be aware of the rough areas that needs fixing.

You have an undeveloped character, Shubhi. >.< He has this tendency to be sensitive in small things or areas. Especially when we look into the first part of this chapter. Remember that he's a man, I'm not being stereotype, but you know how a man acts and speaks. They don't get easily irritated by the music, cigarettes, or even the crowd-- as what I can see from the reality, they really don't. Honestly speaking, some first few parts are uninteresting to read, and it doesn't hook my motivation at all. The narrating appears blunt due to the fact that he doesn't get to the bottom line immediately. But still, I forwarded my reading. ^^

The story plot--- I understand that you want to show more and less on telling, but sometimes they fall a little bit flat. Yes, there are conflicts which is good, but in other parts, they look unnecessary to know. You might just want to get directly to the point. This also concerns about your prose, sometimes your narration went a little bit too far. And you sometimes repeat words. ^^

The characters here are okay, but you failed to present them very well. Who really is Ron? and I want to know more about the brother? For me, they look just like cut-out cardboard character... they need more dimensions, Shubhi.

Overall, this has potential. Everything is based entirely on my views and opinions. So hope I didn't sound that too harsh, and I apologize if ever I did. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Kay, Shubbubbles, I'm here!
So, as I said before my reviewing is slightly rusty and you also mentioned that you are afraid of my reviews and I don't like that. With that said, I'm going to be easy on you. ^___^
But! That doesn't mean I'm going to point out every little thing and be like, "zomg, like, this needs like, some fixing."
I'm going to still tell you what I think needs to be said but...nicely. I didn't know I was being that scary before. xD
lolol, but yeah. I shall do my best! Here we go!

Alright, for an opener I think you did quite well. It was a tad bit confusing to keep pace with it since there seemed to be many thoughts blocking out the actions. However, don't go back and try editing it or anything. I think it fits well and adds to the atmosphere that you were trying to build. It might be slightly hard to pick up the writing style at first but after a few paragraphs I was pretty deep into it so it was good. ^_^

Also, must I say, Shubbubbles...you're writing has improved so much. Like, SO MUCH, that it brings tears to my eyes. I can definitely see how much time and effort you put into this and it reads very nicely. You did write this well and I'm glad that you slimmed down on the over-use of description and explaining that you did previously. It makes this much more natural to read and feels like a book that I would pick up in the library or something.

Now, I noticed that you really changed the beginning of this. I can't really spot many similarities between the previous one and this one but I do see hints of it. I like this version better anyway. I mean, it's got more feel to it.

There is one slight nitpick that I do have though.

“I don’t wantcha any help,” she bobbed her head

I don't understand this accent or speech that you gave the character and where it's supposed to have come from.
"Wantcha any help" --> Want your any help?
"Want'cha help" --> Want your help?
I don't want'cha help --> I don't want your help.
The third one sounds better to me, really. ^^

Now, there are still some few parts where I think you're still digging too much into the character's head and telling use 'everything' that she could be thinking. Try leaving a few unnecessary things out though. For example:

I looked over her shoulders to find Nathan’s face turned a deeper shade of red. What was it? Embarrassment...Anger...Fear? I had to still figure that out.

See here, you don't need the last bit. From the face turning red you can infer many different things.

Overall, there are still places that need work. I could see the big difference of the written text in the beginning but the further I read into it, I noticed that you had begun doing the same thing by not getting to the point quickly and beating around the bush in some parts. Drop the things that don't need to be said and stop focusing on the tiny details of things. Try to get to your point as fast as you can with little words that describe the most. That is quite a difficult thing to do so if you can accomplish that much, I swear you'll be on the right track. ^___^

Let's take a small look at a single example of what I mean. Say, we're going to describe a cup. This cup doesn't have a really big role in the novel but is something that is going to help our protagonist accomplish something in the future chapter.

1. He held up the clear glass cup with the emerald crust and sparking diamonds in his left hand. Occasionally, he'd take a sip of the red alcohol that silently sat inside the round glass, beginning him to gulp down the bloody liquid in one large gulp.
-----> Now, that might sound nice (or maybe) to the ears but it's honestly just too much explanation, too much screen time for just one measly cup that's not even going to play a huge role at all.

2. He held the clear, jewel encrusted cup in his hand while only taking a few sips of the bloody alcohol when he needed to.
-----> This sound slightly better because we accomplish mostly everything in just one sentence. See?

In the end, you did much, much better than before but you'll still have to watch out for the little things here and there.
Keep writing! I see you gaining so much knowledge as you go it's really great to see the improvement! <3
Let me know if this helped, if at all and ring me a bell if you need anything else, Shubbubbles! ^^

You one and only,
Father

Hey,

I liked this. I thought it was an interesting begining to what I assume is a very interesting story. Couple of problems:

1. I couldn't tell the MC's gender at first. It was only when you introduced him as Ron that I realized he was male. I understood the Armani thing, but I figured it was a girl in Armani shoes. You should make that a little more apparent.

2. BIIIIIIIG thing that bothered me. The girl mentioned that Nathan was into drugs, then said 'hard drugs'. First off, marijuana and pot are the exact same thing. Considering weed can be obtained by ANYONE for as little as three dollars, I don't think it's exactly a 'hard drug'. A hard drug, in my opinion, would be heroin, cocaine and meth. Maybe it's just me, but most of my friends have smoked weed/had hash brownies so it's not that big of a deal. Even in TV shows and movies, weed is not something particularily taboo.

That's about it. I reaaaally loved your characters and I think that you'll develop them well. Your writing itself is great, as usual.

Overall Grade: A-

~Jas

Whoa, Shubster! Quic review, kay?

This is good!
As Pinky said, "Also, must I say, Shubbubbles...you're writing has improved so much. Like, SO MUCH, that it brings tears to my eyes. " Truefax.

I don't have much to say after those brilliant crits, so here goes:

I found a couple of places with grammatical and spelling errors. Nothing huuge.
Can't say anything 'bout the plot; it just started and h'okay, brothers - one is more of a goody, other isn't. Let's see what happens. But drugs, is a good starting point, but I hope if it's got a more central plotline, you'll need to refine and make him more evil.

MC - Now, it seems like you need to get to know your MC more. I mean, yes, there's a superficial understanding, but when you really get to know him, the dialogue will come out easier. You'll know hot o get him to talk and how to give him gestures. So, first, get to know him, and then, show him to us. Slowly, of course.
Which brings me to dialogue which needs some little work. Mainly as I said, it sounds a bit forced, so work with your MC first. Pretend he's juggling in you living room or something.

Hiya, Shrubs!

First off, you've already gotten a bunch of really thorough reviews, and I didn't really read them fully (because I'm kind of short on time just now) so please excuse me if I repeat things/don't say anything helpful at all.

In the interest of time, I'm not going to go through and nit-pick this, but there are a lot of little mistakes all over it that I suggest you work on because they're kind of distracting. I was going to give you a friendly little rant about this, but then I read Yuriiko's comment and my jaw dropped. English isn't your first language?? How long have you been speaking it? All you multi-linguals amaze me, and I think it's absolutely fantastic that you can write this well in a language that's not your mother tongue. That's incredible. But, of course, it doesn't really let you off the hook. ^_~ I highly recommend you read this out loud because that will help you find a lot of the awkward bits.

I said I wasn't going to do nit-picks, and I'm not, but I would like to take a closer look at the opening.

I had lot on my mind right now, and the least I wanted was some drunken customer going on a vandalism drive in my club. That too, while I was on duty.

For one thing, the beginning part (first underline) doesn't really make sense. The 'had' implies that it's past tense, but the 'right now' implies that it's present. Maybe replace 'right now,' with 'just then,' or something like that? The last sentence (second underline) doesn't make sense to me either. I know what you're trying to say, but I think it just comes out very awkwardly with the 'that too.' Also, if he's 'on duty' doesn't that mean that dealing with things like this is his job? *confused*

You jump right in with this novel. There isn't really much intro--it goes straight into the action. There's nothing wrong with that, but it just means you don't give your readers time to get to know the character(s) before the plot starts, which means you're just going to have to put extra effort into making sure you develop the characters as the novel proceeds.

So far, I don't really have a great sense of your MC. From his description of the bar, I think he's tense and anxious and kind of gets himself overly stressed about things that aren't real problems. But when there actually is a real problem (with the Emily and his brother) he's surprisingly calm about it all, end very responsible. This confused me a little bit since I would have expected him to be completely freaked out, not so level-headed. Also, I don't really know what his job is. He works at the bar/club thing, right? What does he do? Also, if he works there then I'd think he'd be pretty used to being there--so I'm a little confused by why he got so worked up about it in the beginning. He doesn't have to be in love with the place, but I'd think that if he doesn't like it, he'd be jaded by now.

His reactions to things are a little bit unclear. Does he feel responsible for everything bad that's happened? In a way, it seems like he does, but I don't see the reason for him to think this, so it makes it seem like he's just saying it without actually believing it. I'd like to see some more thought process leading up to his emotions so that I can understand and relate to those emotions better. Does he feel guilty? Disappointed? Does he wonder why he has to deal with all this and wish he could just not be involved? I'd like to see his reactions be a little better thought-out, both on your part and on his. ^_^

I'm actually also a little bit confused by how he knew something was wrong with Emily and Nick. I mean, from your description that place is mayhem, and it didn't really seem like their conversation/argument was particularly bad to me. Maybe make that worse, so it really is obvious that something isn't right? Also, was I supposed to know that Nick was the MC's brother earlier on? I'd think the MC would remark on that earlier--maybe I'm just missing something, but I thought it took you a little too long to get around to saying they were brothers.

And I'd like to see a bit more of Nick's reaction to the whole thing, because I don't think he's as involved as he should/could be. That's up to you, though.

All in all, I think you've got a good start here. I can tell you have a lot of great ideas, and I think you are going to execute them fantastically in the end, but right now I actually think you might have too many ideas, especially when it comes to the MC's character. In my opinion, it would be best to narrow in on one idea and really develop that because as it is, it's a little confusing.

Sorry if this review feels harsh! I really don't mean it to be. It's just that when reviewing novel chapters, it's sometimes hard to come up with lots of positive things to say since this is just a tiny piece of something larger, so it's not really supposed to stand on its own. I like it, though, and I'm intrigued to see where you go with it.

Please please please PM me or write on my wall if you want to discuss anything at all (preferably about the novel, but I can talk about other things too hehe).

a

I really wish I'd been able to got to this sooner. Why do you ask the best reviewers to review your stuff? Arrrggghh. xD

Okay, so yay, I like this! Drugs, alcohol, violence, sex, general roughness e.t.c. is right up my street, in case you haven't noticed yet by my novels. I'm interested in finding out what's going on with Nathan and the drugs/money, and I'm also interested in how this is all going to tie into what was going on in the last version of this novel. Your grammar was pretty good, and compared to what it used to be, your phrasing and such is far better too. It could still do with some work, obviously, but it's gotten so much better. I can't stress how much your writing has improved since I first started reading your stuff, Shubs. I'm so proud of you. >.<

Nonetheless, this is a review, so I do need to find some critiques for you. I want to avoid repeating anything that's already been said, and I have skimmed through the other reviews, so I'm not sure how long or useful this review will be. Okay, anyways! To be honest, I don't really have any big critiques or anything because they all seem to have been covered. I do have the odd nit-pick though that could help you out.

I did notice that, at times, your characters reactions to situations could be a little... odd, I guess. Take the whole situation where Emily was on the floor all drunk and stuff. Obviously, Ron would had to have gotten her up or whatever, but I found it weird that he continued the discussion with her in front of the entire club. He could tell that it was quite a serious situation, especially after noticing the look on his brother's face, and after Emily mentioned Nathan owing her money. Wouldn't Ron have taken Emily into a staff room or something to find out what's going on instead of just asking her right there in front of everyone? Make it a bit more private, I guess. Err, does that make any sense?

Oh, before I move on to further nit-picks, there's something I'd like to mention. You've had one or two comments about Ron sounding a bit girly or something. Personally, I didn't notice. I found it easily believable that Ron was a guy. He's a lot manlier than Charlie from my novel, anyway, not that Charlie's exactly supposed to be manly... but that's beside the point. I noticed something else too. There were comments like this in the chapter:

Maybe I was getting a bit too panicky. A bit too girly.

Armani shoes had to do for now. The manliest thing to do! It wasn’t the best creative idea I had invented, but it was working.

These stuck out to me a bit. It sounds like you're trying to push the fact that Ron's a guy and you don't want to make anyone accuse him of sounding too girly. By adding in comments like these, you hope to make sure that doesn't happen, right? I will have to be all controversial and disagree with Yurii (sorry, Yurii!) by saying that guys do get worried about cigarettes, alcohol, drugs e.t.c. My brother was horrified and actually very annoyed when he went to this house party once to find it filled with things like heavy smokers. Plus, it's Ron's club, right? Of course it would bother him if all of this vandalism was going on. I mean, it's his business. He hardly wants everything going wrong. If people were vandalising my business, I'd be very annoyed, and I'm sure guys would be too. In fact, I'd say they'd be more annoyed.

Basically, I don't want you to feel as though you have to make Ron 'manly enough'. People will disagree with me on this, and heck, chances are that you will too, but I do still want to mention it to you. True, guys do think differently to girls, but they're not inhuman. They have emotions, they worry about things, they can be wimps and they can most definitely cry too. What you need to make sure you do is instead of concentrate on making Ron sound 'manly' is make sure his personality is unique and interesting. To be honest, personally, I'd rather read about a guy who's a little girly, but has a kick-ass personality than a guy who's extremely manly and entirely guyish. But hey, it's your call.

My God, I've blabbered so much there. I'm terribly sorry. That's just something I feel weird strongly about, I think. Getting back on track there's one more thing I'd like to mention. To put it simply, I sometimes found that your dialogue was a bit unrealistic. Take your drunken dialogue, for example. I can see that you tried making her drunkenness clearer through the dialogue, so yay for that, but some of it didn't seem awfully realistic.

“Ronald Weasely?” Her face split into a huge grin. “That man...no, boy, is a joke. But not weirder than the great HARRY POTTER,” she laughed uncontrollably.

Like this, for example. It just doesn't really sound like something anyone would say, whether they were drunk or not. I especially find the second part a bit weird. I mean, why does she think Ron and Harry are weird? The way she says it seems a bit odd to me too... It's hard to explain. If she'd have said something like, "Ron? Really? Wow, oh my God, like the ginger one on Harry Potter!" Her face split into a huge grin. "I didn't know people were actually called that! Do you get, like, picked on and stuff?" She laughed uncontrollably Fair enough, that's not exactly an amazing example at all really, but I hope you kind of, sort of see what I mean... Err, probably not.

Thinking about it, I've written loads of drunken dialogue and actions before, so I guess I've had some practice. I have no idea if I'm any good at it because that's for people like you to judge, but I don't think I'm terrible at it or anything. I think you have to have a balance. Don't have your drunken characters act or speak entirely normally, but be careful not to go too over the top either. I'm being so unhelpful here... x3 *Looks up( Oh, gosh, I'm blabbering all over again... I'm so sorry!

There is one last thing to mention on the dialogue... I won't be long, I promise! The only other thing I really felt was weird about the dialogue was the way Ron spoke to Emily. It kind of sounded like he knew her well/had known her for a while at times. I mean, he started asking if she loved Nathan and things like that. Would you really say that to a stranger? I suppose you could argue that he was under pressure in the situation, but still, it seems a bit weird to me. Ron even said that Nathan loved her at some point. That blew me away a bit because even he didn't even know who she was, let alone that she was his brother's (ex?) girlfriend. You don't tell some woman you've just met that your bother loves her, right?

Speaking of that conversation, would Emily really have told him about the secret drug pubs and stuff? Aren't they supposed ot be, err, secret? Fair enough, she was drunk, but would she really reveal those pubs to someone she didn't know, especially someone who's working in the same industry as those pubs.

... Errr,

I've said way too much about far too little. I've literally got about 3 points in this whole review, but I've blooming rambled all the way. I'm so sorry, Shubs! You're going to have to search through that horrible wall of text now for something that might actually help you... I feel bad. x3 I know this review sounds a bit aggressive and harsh, but I honestly really like this. I think it has bucketloads of potential, and I'm definitely excited to read the next instalments. Your writing is so great now, and I can't praise you enough. Go Shubs!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

One again, sorry for the ghastly rambling. I really hope you don't hate me now. >.<

Daughter! Finally here!

Oh gosh, why do you need me after such great reviews?

Well, to not be redundant, I'd have to say that I was really confused about everything hahahaa.

Seriously, though, I couldn't get if Ron was owner or manager, and I didn't understand the setting at all. I thought he was walking walking out into an alley, investigating. Then I understood it was still inside, but in a different part?

And Nathan. Why didn't he say right away he was his brother? I thought that perhaps Nathan worked at the club and Ron was keeping an eye on him because he was suspicious. But when I read it was his brother, I had to reread to see if I'd missed that part.

I think the idea was to show Ron as being fatherly and caring, but again, I had to wonder, what was the club to him? If he was the owner, why was he fixing little things like couple squabbles? But if he wasn't the owner, why did he care how much it would cost to repair the broken glasses? After all, if he's a boss, there's a budget for breaks like this, no?

I thought this was much better written than anything else I've read of yours, and like your father said, it's incredible how much you've grown. Congrats, daughter!

This is interesting because I'm wondering how it'll compare to the first, considering how drastically different it is. Can't wait to see where it's headed, keep up the great work!

Mom

Hello, Shubhi. ^_^ Here I am as you requested.

Nitpicks: (I've got a lot of nitpicks. >.< But this chapter is long! xD)

I had lot on my mind...

- I think you forgot to put 'a' after 'had'.

Cmon, why this day from all the rest?

- Put apostrophe after 'C' in 'Cmon'.
- Also, I suggest you rewrite this sentence.

As I neared the bar, sounds of breaking of glass increased to deafen my ears...

- You sounded too technical here in my opinion.

Panic with a tinge of fury rose through me like a fire.

- Again, you sounded so technical. I'm not sure how you'll be able to rephrase this though. >.<

...bit of dancing and a huge amount of craziness.

- I think it'll sound better if you put a comma after 'dancing'.

...I increased my pace, and to divert my mind for the time being started focusing...

- Put a comma after 'being' and put 'I'.

My mind swayed to the weird, but soothing echo the shoes created, followed by loud treble of the music.

- I don't think you should put a comma after 'weird'.
- Put a comma after 'followed by'.
- Also, the last fragment of the sentence sounded too technical. >.< Maybe, it's just me...

In front of me there was a silver metallic door...

- I think you should put a comma after 'me'.

Of all the places in the world, of all the profession why did I chose to become a part of this mad circuit?

- Put a comma after 'profession'.

I threw open the door to find matchstick like figures of people crowding my vision.

- Hyphenate 'matchstick' and 'like'.

“Gimme back,” a sharp voice crawled its way through the heavy crowd...

- 'crawled' seems too slow.

Loud voices boomed in my head...

- At this point, you've used the word 'voice/s' too much. I suggest rewriting the parts in the chapter where 'voice/s' is used so that the word won't sound overused.

Putting a hand in front of my nose to block the stench that whizzed from people’s mouth, I paved my way.

- Wow. This sentence is a mouthful. o.o Also, it sounded too technical again.

...for a good minute and then realizing something, turned their backs.

- I think you should put a comma after 'then'.

“You don’t talllkkk to meee like that!”

- 'talllkkk' is one of the only two informally spelled words in a 99%-almost perfectly spelled chapter. o.o xD I mean, the rest of the chapter was formal. It seemed unfitting for me that you would suddenly spell the word that way. Maybe, italicizing it would be better?

As the music no longer boomed in my ears, there was a buzz going in my ears, before they could switch to normal mode.

- I suggest rephrasing this sentence. You wrote 'in my ears' twice in the same sentence.

Nathan’s voice soothed down the situation a bit.

- Nathan's name seemed to appear out of nowhere. o.o

...that there was much more than just vandalism we were talking about here.

- I feel like something is missing after 'vandalism'. Maybe, adding 'in what' after it would be better.

...if getting drunk can be counted to that.

- This felt grammatically incorrect. Perhaps, 'included' is better than 'counted' here.

Their presence had created sort of a circle where in between the drama took place.

- I think you forgot to put 'some' before 'sort'.

Finally I was there.

- I think you should put a comma after 'Finally'.

...with broken pieces of glasses, and a two to three lemons lying, too.

- I think you should remove 'a' before 'two'. o.o

...but a seventeen year old something girl who sat...

- Hyphenate 'year' and 'old'.

“What’s goin’ on?” I demanded, as I entered the area.

- I don't think it's necessary to put a comma after 'demanded'.

He struggled for words to enter his mouth...

- 'enter' seems to be the wrong word here.

...managed to stand upright with the help of a pillar. Or had at least tried to.

- Perhaps, it's better if you used a comma after 'pillar' instead of a period since the two sentences seem connected.

“I don’t wantcha any help,”

- This sounded confusing. xD

I knew she had been the one shouting her lungs away before.

- 'earlier' seems more fitting than 'before'.

“Would you carre to listen?”

- Actually, the mispelled words you used in the dialogues seem fitting, but I'm not sure... >.<

“This man there,”

- Isn't it more appropriate to use 'That' rather than 'This'? Or is it because the girl was drunk? xD

She looked around her. At people who stared at her in awe.

- Use a comma in place of the period after 'her'.

She looked around her. At people who stared at her in awe. People who themselves were as befuddled as she was. People, who although existed physically, but their mind had roved off to another world.

- I think it's more correct if you connect all of these sentences with commas.
- My correction on the last sentence: 'People who although existed physically, had their minds roving off to another world.' or something like that.

Heaven is what they called.

- I think you forgot to put 'it' after 'called'.

As if something had struck her mind, she started walking again. Or limping.

- My suggestion: 'Something seemed to have struck her mind, and she started walking (or limping) again.
- Or (I think this one sounds better): She started walking again, as if something had struck her mind.

Soon, the music was blaring again at its top speed...

- Top speed or top volume? Or both? xD

...and everyone had joined the DJ to rock. Like nothing had even taken place.

- I think it's better if you used a comma after 'rock', or just simply connect the two sentences. I've noticed that you tend to separate sentences that feel (in my opinion) more correct if you connected them.

“Ronald Weasely?” Her face split into a huge grin. “That man...no, boy, is a joke. But not weirder than the great HARRY POTTER,” she laughed uncontrollably.

- Omg. Ronald Weasely also came into my mind after I saw 'Ron' at the beginning of the chapter. XD Am I drunk? I don't even drink!

“Fine, fine,” she spoke with a wague wave of her hand.

- Did you mean 'vague'?

“Umm, sorry, but why you cryin’?

- Why did he start talking informally? Or did you just forget to put 'are'? Also, you forgot to put a quotation mark after this.

...she spun on her heels, and in process finally fell down.

- I think you forgot to put 'the' before 'process'.

“Fine, fine,” she began with a vague wave of her hand.

- Perhaps, you can replace the word 'vague' with something else. You used it the 2nd time here.

“Are you okay?” She asked...

- I think you shouldn't capitalize the 'S' in 'She'.

You’re a useless brother, my mind grumbled.

- Weren't you supposed to italicize 'You're a useless brother'?

“It’s a kind of pub where they smuggle in everyone.”

- The 'smuggle in everyone' was confusing.

“Yeah, so you can tell my parents?” She bristled.

- Same here about the 'S' in the 'She'.

***

- I think that this would look better if you center-aligned them.

Did she really think I’d tell on her parents?

- I think you should just remove 'on'.

“Where are you?” She spoke in a whisper.

- You can't always capitalize the first letter of the pronoun that comes after the dialogue, especially when the sentence refers to the dialogue itself.

"...Got caught with somethin’,”

- Maybe, it's better if you put 'up' after 'caught'.

The buildings towered all around, and for a moment I had that claustrophobic rising up to my throat.
- Put a comma after 'moment'.

- I think you forgot to put 'feeling' or something after 'claustrophobic'. I also think that his claustrophobic feeling wasn't really that much. o.o

It was my love’s birthday, the day I had planned on making the best day of her life, and here I was…delving into my silly brother’s mistake and...

- o.o I don't feel like you succeeded at making the readers (or at least, me) feel like Ron was actually concerned about this. Probably, it's because you put too much focus on the club for most of the story. A very little bit of hint about going home at the beginning would do, I think.

…there was no one to be blamed but me.

- I think that you should still capitalize the 't'.
- Also, this felt too dramatic and conclusive for a first chapter.


I like it. ^_^ It's interesting and it wasn't boring for me. I also like how 'formal' you wrote, but there are times when your writing get too technical. One of the problems is you didn't describe the persona's appearance. I understand the little lack of description of the club because of the utter messiness inside lol, but you can't miss to describe Ron. I've no idea how he looks like, except the fact that he was wearing a suit and that he is decent/formal. Probably, you were able to describe him in the following chapter/s (which I don't think I'll be able to find time to read >.<). Anyway, nice job! It was really interesting to read. Of course, I missed a couple of things the other reviewers were able to spot so keep in my mind what they said!

Never stop writing!

Hey there! I only read the first couple reviews, so sorry if I repeat anything.

I paused. Maybe I was getting a bit too panicky. A bit too girly. Maybe it was just regular fun going on in there; bit of drinking, bit of dancing and a huge amount of craziness. It could be by mistake that the glasses had fallen on the floor. A human error! I just couldn’t turn hysterical every time I heard noise. Also, it was a pub/disco/club for Christ’s sake. If people didn’t go gaga here, then where would they?

This is too... mellow. Unreasonably reasonable. And that's because he starts off ticked. And he should be. And by itself, this reaction is rational. But in the next few paragraphs, he gets ticked again, but even more so. It's just, he's having mood swings. He's either extreme this way or extreme that way. He needs to have the many options in mind, I think; try to have him think it's probably nothing wrong despite his assumptions, not instead of it. He gives up on one idea entirely when switching to another. There is no gray area in his mind, and I think everyone doubts themselves and is fighting two thought paths at the same time.

The mere thought of someone destroying club’s property under my supervision pressed the anger meter within me, and I felt like punching the criminal on their stomach.

Technically, it's not under his supervision since he's not there. Which leads me to my next point - what exactly is his job? You say he's the manager, but what does that entail, since he's not actually in the club the entire time. What else does he do, where was he before? You don't have to spend a lot of time spelling all this out, but when you say that he doesn't have time for this, take a sentence or two and say what he should be, needs to be doing. It makes it a lot more realistic.

“Miss, please calm down,” Nathan’s voice soothed down the situation a bit.

He sounds like he's talking to a stranger that randomly came up to him, hysterical. That's what I thought. But now we know that's not the case. If you have him use her first name (after all, I'm assuming he knows it) it'll show that they know each other, and will explain a lot of how he reacts when Ron comes in.

“This man there,” she pointed towards Nathan, “owes me twenty thousand dollars.”

The bolded part once again makes it seem like they're acquaintances, nothing more. But that's not why I picked this out.

I can't believe he accepted what she said so easily. I mean, he didn't even doubt for a second that it was false. And dismissing the facts that he doesn't know her and this is an absolutely ludicrous statement, she's drunk. If I were him, I'd probably just try to get her home and in bed and dismiss anything she says as nonsense - and maybe have a talk with Nathan about this, but maybe not. I'm not saying he has to be that detached from where you're taking this, but don't have him assume everything from her is true (and yes, you say later on that he doubts everything she says, but that was then and this is now and the fact that it took him this long to realize that a drunk girl isn't the best truth teller really drops respect for him).

“You just mentioned my brother, Nathan, owes you twenty,”

Whoa, hold up, he's his brother? Mentioning this earlier could make things a lot more interesting then and a lot less jolting now. Plus, this makes Ron seem... isolated.

Okay, so he's his brother but he doesn't know Nathan has a drug problem, owes 20k, had a rich girlfriend, and who knows what else? This in and of itself is believable enough I suppose, considering family doesn't always talk much, but then we get to the part where Nathan's the deejay at the club Ron manages. Something tells me they have to interact, and I'd like to think Ron would notice something. Just mentioning that he noticed little signs but didn't act on them is enough - yes, you said there were signs but that you didn't notice them. So how did he know there were signs? See the difference between our situations?

My last thing is Emily - I'm more than a little confused here. How old is she, how did she borrow the money if she's still at an age where it matters whether her parents find out or not, and if she's so young how did she get in the club and get drunk in the first place? And what about her dating Nathan? I just didn't really follow how the pieces of her fit together - because, unless I'm missing something, they don't. You need to make sure the information you're giving is clear and not jumbled in any way - we have to be able to follow almost effortlessly otherwise there's a serious chance we'll get confused.

So, other than those things, this is good. Sorry if I sound harsh (I tend to a lot, I think). This is pretty good. I could envision the scenes really well, so kudos for that. Keep writing.

loveness, ultraviolet <3