Young Writers Society

you might want to read this: viewtopic.php?t=78137 so that you have some inkling of an idea what is going on...

Chapter two

The next morning was painful. Waking up and remembering that I had almost nothing, that all of my possessions and all of the people I knew were gone, was a bitter experience. At least I still had Dean, since nothing could separate a person from their Chi. I glanced at him, and he looked back worriedly. It was clear he was in almost as much pain as I was, but noticing that he seemed concerned, I decided to try and hide my emotions. Hiding your feelings from someone who has been around you since you were born however, is difficult even for someone with a good poker face. It was no surprise to me why he was worried though; it had been almost a day since we last spoke, which was an astonishing change of pace from our usual telepathic conversations every few minutes.

"Do you have a plan?" he asked cautiously, breaking our prolonged silence.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there's a whole raiding party in between us and this Kane guy, so I think we should have a plan before we run in and get killed."

"Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. How about we attack in the middle of the night?"

"What happens when they wake up?"

"They'll be dead before that happens," I responded coldly.

"Sounds like a plan."

For the first time since my home was destroyed, I thought about Dean's feelings. I felt selfish thinking about how much he was concerned about me, and how little I had thought about how this must have affected him. Being practically the same person, he was probably also feeling the emptiness that I was feeling. Dean had always been the more emotional of the two of us, and for better or for worse, contrasted with my more calm logical personality. Whenever I was nervous about talking to girls, Dean was the one who would convince me, using inspiring words as his eyes began to light up with an idea. Whenever I was challenged to a fistfight by one of the other boys, Dean was the one who would talk me into accepting, using words like 'honor', and 'glory'. Unfortunately, none of the adults in the village allowed "my chi made me do it" as a valid excuse, having heard it hundreds of times from other kids. The dull pain of recent loss struck me again as I thought about the past. All of the boys I had gotten into fistfights with and all of the girls I had courted were now dead. There was no solace for me now except Dean, and the beautiful act of revenge I would soon perform. Thinking about all of this made me sick with grief.
It was a little past midday when we caught up to the raider's camp. Looking down upon it from a tall hill, I spent the rest of the day trying to pass the time. I hunted in the woods for rabbits until I had enough to feed a small village, sharpened my sword until it seemed to be able to cut through air itself, and tapped my fingers on a boulder until Dean asked me to stop because it was annoying him. I think he was just as nervous as me though, and it made him even more jittery to see me like that.

At last night fell, and only the dim lights of the moon and stars served to illuminate the world. Autumn, I noted, is not the best time to launch an ambush. I decided to leave my large heavy boots back at our camp on top of the hill, but still the leaves rustled underfoot. I crept forward, my newly sharpened sword drawn and ready. Finally, Kane would pay for the massacre of my village.

As I entered the encampment, Dean pointed out that I had no way of knowing which tent Kane was in, and suggested that I project him further, allowing him to inspect the other tents. Unfortunately, there was the problem of Dean not being able to do harm to anyone, so if he was spotted by someone's Chi who happened to be awake, our cover would be blown. Instead, we would have to go through every tent, killing the raiders if necessary when they woke up.

In the first one, I found only one man. This was odd, considering the number of tents there were. Because there were ten tents, I had concluded before entering any that there must be two or three in each, as otherwise they would not have sufficient numbers to overcome my village's army. Instead I found one sleeping man. Either he was Kane, I decided, or something is very wrong.

"Duncan!" Dean shouted telepathically, "His Chi is waking him up!"

I quickly rushed behind the waking man and held my blade to his neck. With the hand that was not holding my sword, I covered his mouth.

"Tell me where Kane is, or I'll cut you open," I said, the anger of losing everyone I knew evident in my voice. "Scream, and you're dead."


I removed my hand from his mouth, and felt a sudden burst of energy rush through the hand that was holding my sword. At that same instant, I felt the man's hand pushing with extraordinary strength on its handle. The strength Dean was focusing on my hand was just enough to combat the raider's own boost from his Chi, and I held the sword were it was for several seconds. Suddenly, the man twisted out of my grasp, and drew his own sword. He was halfway through shouting for help when my blade spilled his intestines onto the floor of the tent. Rage was pulsing through me, and in that instant, I lost all reason, and charged out of the tent to meet what I expected to be a veritable army. Instead I found seven confused men with assorted weaponry.


They were dressed like barbarians, with clothing made out of what seemed to be the same rough leather as their tents, and were all wielding some jagged piece of spike covered metal. Knowing that if I hesitated they would kill me in an instant, I utilized Dean's helpful burst of power to my legs to lunge forward and slay the first man. He had barely swung his gigantic battle axe before my sword stabbed at his shoulder. He stumbled to the ground screaming. The next two men attacked in unison, and even with the help of my Chi I was struggling. One held a heavy iron mace, and the other stabbed at me with a six foot pike. I was barely surviving, dodging this way and that, ducking blows, and slashing at my adversaries angrily. All of the pain and grief I had felt earlier seemed to be converted into anger, and it fueled my attacks. Finally, I stabbed the man with the mace, and kicking the spear from the other raider's hand, I plunged my sword into his chest, mingling the blood of the two men. It now seemed clear to the other four men who they were supposed to be attacking, and they leaped in for the kill.


Without Dean's efforts in that fight I would have perished in under thirty seconds. Instead, power surged through me like never before. I had wondered earlier how dean was feeling, and now I knew. He was enraged. The anger he felt now flowed through my veins as energy, and I moved like lightning. My blows bent the solid steel axes and swords of my opponents, and I felt no fear. After I had slain three more men, I knocked the weapon from the last man's hand and shoved him to the ground. I positioned one foot on his chest, and pointed my sword at his neck.

"Where is Kane, the raider warlord?!" I demanded furiously.

"He's not here," said the man, a smile beginning to creep on to his face as he made a sudden realization.

"Duncan, you just used all of your energy in that fight, I'm struggling to keep you awake. You'll collapse from fatigue any minute now, so make this quick."

"But I feel fine," I said, confused at how I could possibly be ready to collapse with all of this energy flowing through me.

"As soon as I can't sustain this anymore, you're going to drop, just take my word for it."

"Tell me where he is!" I shouted, realizing that if I didn't get an answer out of him soon I would faint, and never get one.

"You'll never win. You can't just kill Kane, he has a power you don't understand. Go looking for him and he will take you down in a heartbeat."

"Tell me or I'll murder you right here!" I said, panic beginning to set in, as I felt the effects of fatigue and exhaustion. I began to realize that if I fainted, this man would kill me.

"It doesn't look like you have the energy," he gloated, pushing me off of him and preparing to end my life.

"Think again," I said weakly. With one final surge of strength, I ran the raider through on the blade of my sword, and then promptly blacked out.

Interesting. This makes me want to read more. Two things I would have liked to know though. What exactly is someone's chi? From what I understood, it seems to be someone's spirit, but what exactly is it? Also, I would like to know more about the world they're in. Is there some sort of conflict going on and the destruction of the village was part of that? A brief hint of the answer would help. I understand this is only your second chapter, but I can't really get a feel for the world that you've created quite yet. I did like it though. Keep writing!

I think this is great! As in the first chapter you sort of moved quickly through the scene with the woods. I would have like to see you MC and his Chi go through some hard ships while traveling through the woods, instead of them just arriving at the camp. I did like how toward the end of the chapter you were more descriptive about what you saw and were feeling, but still maybe a little more descriptive ( you could use some similes ). I like the world you have created very much, but as the reader I think of the world in my own way, and I would like to know how you see your world. But all in all I think its improving! Keep writing

Hi! This is Rachael again, coming for another review. First off, I just want to say that most of what I say below are just opinions. Don't take them too seriously, just consider what I say. All right, now that we have that out of the way, let's start with the nitpicks:

Whenever I was nervous about talking to girls, Dean was the one who would convince me, using inspiring words as his eyes began to light up with an idea.

This last part didn't make sense to me. What idea?

There was no solace for me now except Dean, and the beautiful act of revenge I would soon perform.

I love this sentence. Having the MC consider revenge beautiful amuses me for some reason; it fits. :)

I hunted in the woods for rabbits until I had enough to feed a small village, sharpened my sword until it seemed to be able to cut through air itself, and tapped my fingers on a boulder until Dean asked me to stop because it was annoying him.

I loved this sentence until "Dean asked me to stop because it was annoying him." Maybe it's just me, but that last part ruined the entire sentence for me. I admit that I'm being a bit harsh, but the flow of the sentence was disrupted by that last part. Just my opinion, though. :)

Thinking about all of this made me sick with grief.

This sentence seems out of place.

I think he was just as nervous as me though, and it made him even more jittery to see me like that.

Seeing him like what? Again, there's a lack of emotion here. I'm guessing this is a first draft (since most YWS novels are) so you have plenty of drafts to go through and add in emotion; I'm just reminding you and not expecting you to change anything anytime soon.

At last, night fell, and only the dim lights of the moon and stars served to illuminate the world.

Don't forget the comma! :) Also, I would suggest changing "world" to something else. Remember, it's not nighttime for the entire world at the same time.

Finally, Kane would pay for the massacre of my village.

Nice use of the word "massacre" here. :)

"Tell me where Kane is, or I'll cut you open," I said, the anger of losing everyone I knew evident in my voice. "Scream, and you're dead.

I thought they were going to just kill every single person until they found Kane? This seems inconsistent. And besides, your MC seems really upset over his entire village burning down (which, he has every right to be) so would he really resist in killing someone that more than likely killed his family/friends?

Instead, I found seven confused men with assorted weaponry.

It now seemed clear to the other four men who they were supposed to be attacking, and they leaped in for the kill.

Shouldn't they have known before? Unless they're stupid cavemen or something, this really doesn't make much sense.

I had wondered earlier how Dean was feeling, and now I knew.

All right, so I think you have the makings of a great story. So far, I like your plot. It reminds me a bit of Eragon, but not too much to the point of you having to worry that people think you stole the idea. I also like your writing; your vocabulary is most excellent and makes me quite envious. I am a bit confused about which tense you've decided to stick to, though. You switch back and forth a bit and it really is distracting from the great story that you've come up with here.

Also, I would like a lot more detail from you. You could add in so many more things about their travels from their burnt village to the raiders camp. Now, I'm not sure of your plot, so this is just a suggestion that you shouldn't take too heavily. But, that isn't the only place you could add in details. The fight scene could really use some work. Add more about the way the weapons hit each other, about how your MC's sweat dripped down into his eye, and so on. This could make for a really captivating story if you just added in more details. The fighting scene really wasn't too much of a scene. Instead, it seemed more like a summary. This was mostly due to the fact that you skipped out on a lot of descriptions and emotions here that really could have made this scene a lot more intense and a major hook for readers, like I touched on above. I would suggest making it longer since these fight scenes are what are really going to get your reader's attention and are going to make them sit on the edge or their seat.

With everything said, this could really be a book that I would go to the store and buy. I like it a lot, and can't wait to read more. I apologize if I tore this apart, but these are just improvements (in my opinion) that could be made in later drafts. Remember, early drafts always suck for everyone. So don't get discouraged if someone, like myself, points out some flaws. I hope you didn't take what I said personally, and I sincerely hope that you continue writing this! I look forward to reading more!

Rachael :D

Hello! Thank-you for the request. Sorry it took so long, I have been really busy with school and such things.

As I have said in my first review, I really like your concept, it has potential. The whole Chi element is definitely something unique, and you could have a lot of fun with it, I think. I also like how you don't just come right out and explain what the the Chi does, a gradual reveal of information keeps the reader turning the page, or in this case, pressing the down button.

That said, I have a few suggestions. I still get the feeling that your character is watching his life unfold. Kind of like he is reflecting on it after the fact, as opposed to being in the moment. I think this is mainly because you have done a lot of "telling" in this piece as opposed to "showing." You tell us about Duncan's emotions, and while I think they are good emotions and really appropriate, it would be better if you showed us through his actions.

For example, instead of a character saying "I was really angry." A character could say "I moved quickly through the forest, my senses heightened, searching for my prey. I needed a release, these animals provided one. I scanned the landscape, there. Just flicker, a dash of white, but it didn't escape me. I stabbed my spear into that bird, and in in instant it was dead. I walked over, pulled out the bloody spear, and stabbed it again. Again. Again. Again. I didn't stop until I fell into tears next to the mangled mess of the bird. See the difference? I think both examples get across that the subject is angry, but the second example is much more interesting to read. So, if you could do this kind of work in your piece, I really think it would make it much more engaging. If you would like some more ideas, there is a good on article on showing vs. telling here. Also, showing more will invariably make your piece longer, and slow it down a bit, which will give you time to include more detail and such.

I would also like to say that your sentences in this piece flow really nicely, and it was really easy and fun to read. It seemed kind of effortless, which I really appreciated, as a reader. I also really liked your dialogue. It was my favorite part of your piece because it seemed realistic, as you continue this, I would try and include more.

Lastly, I would like to talk about the battle scene. So your MC kills seven people by himself. Yet, you only have one paragraph dedicated to this. I would really try and slow this down. Your MC is killing seven people! So do the warriors say anything to your MC? What does the sword sound like when it's being thrust into a body? What does a dying man look like? How was your MC able to kill seven people on his own, while avoiding the attacks of those still alive? What does the blood look like? Again, the answer to some of these questions and others, will put your reader more in the moment and make the fight more believable and real.

So that's all I have! Sorry it took so long. If have any questions or comments feel free to PM me. I think you have a good start here!

Thanks for the read,
Audrey

Really good, once again ! You definetely have the knack to write ! But I'm a little confused as the WHAT exactly is a Chi? Is it somebody's spirit? Is it a spirit that is inside a person ? WHAT IS IT? lol Very good once again ! =] Review mine (:

Here I am again! Pretty proud of myself for beating spit here! *cackles evily*
Onwards with the tale:

psudiname wrote:Chapter two

The next morning was painful. Waking up and remembering that I had almost nothing, that all of my possessions and all of the people I knew were gone, was a bitter experience. At least I still had Dean, since nothing could separate a person from their Chi. I really need to google Chi... or post on my profile? I glanced at him, and he looked back worriedly. From what I remember you used this exact same sentence structure in the previous paragraph I would suggest rearranging it here.It was clear he was in almost as much pain as I was how can the MC tell this simply from Dean looking worried?, but noticing that he seemed concerned, I decided to try and hide my emotions. Hiding your feelings from someone who has been around you since you were born however, is difficult even for someone you've used 'someone' twice...with a good poker face. It was no surprise to me why he was worried though; it had been almost a day since we last spoke, i think at this point you need to state why.which was an astonishing change of pace from our usual telepathic conversations every few minutes.

"Do you have a plan?" he asked cautiously, breaking our prolonged silence.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there's a whole raiding party in between us and this Kane guy, so I think we should have a plan before we run in and get killed."

"Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. How about we attack in the middle of the night?" How do they even know where they're heading?

"What happens when they wake up?"

"They'll be dead before that happens," I responded coldly.

"Sounds like a plan."

For the first time since my home was destroyed, I thought about Dean's feelings. I felt selfish thinking about how much he was concerned about me, and how little I had thought about how this must have affected him. Being practically the same person, he was probably also feeling the emptiness that I was feeling. Dean had always been the more emotional of the two of us, and for better or for worse, thiscontrasted with my more calm logical personality. Whenever I was nervous about talking to girls, Dean was the one who would convince me, using inspiring words as his eyes began to light up with an idea. Whenever I was challenged to a fistfight by one of the other boys, Dean was the one who would talk me into accepting, using words like 'honor', and 'glory'. Unfortunately, none of the adults in the village allowed "my chi made me do it" as a valid excuse, having heard it hundreds of times from other kids. Nice touch!

new paragraphThe dull pain of recent loss struck me again as I thought about the past. All of the boys I had gotten into fistfights with and all of the girls I had courted were now dead. There was no solace for me now except Dean, and the beautiful act of revenge I would soon perform. Thinking about all of this made me sick with grief. You don't need to repeat this. The reader is possibly getting to the point when they are like 'I know already' and wants to get on with the story.
It was a little past midday when we caught up to the raider's camp.Again how did they know where it was? Looking down upon it from a tall hill, I spent the rest of the day trying to pass the time. I hunted in the woods for rabbits until I had enough to feed a small village, sharpened my sword until it seemed to be able to cut through air itself, and tapped my fingers on a boulder until Dean asked me to stop because it was annoying him. I think he was just as nervous as me though, and it made him even more jittery to see me like that.

At last night fell, and only the dim lights of the moon and stars served to illuminate the world. Autumn, I noted, was not the best time to launch an ambush. I decided to leave my large heavy remove one of the two adjectives here.boots back at our camp on top of the hill, but still the leaves rustled underfoot. I crept forward, my newly sharpened sword drawn and ready. Finally, Kane would pay for the massacre of my village.
It's not exactly finally, as they havenit been going for long have they?

As I entered the encampment, Dean pointed out that I had no way of knowing which tent Kane was in, and suggested that I project him further, allowing him to inspect the other tents. Unfortunately, there was the problem of Dean not being able to do harm to anyone, so if he was spotted by someone's Chi who happened to be awake, our cover would be blown. Instead, we would have to go through every tent, killing the raiders if necessary when they woke up. Yopu may want to change this thought process into conversation. Just saying.

In the first one, I found only one man. This was odd, considering the number of tents there were. Because there were ten tents, I had concluded before entering any that there must be two or three in each, as otherwise they would not have sufficient numbers to overcome my village's army. Instead I found one sleeping man. Either he was Kane, I decided, or something is very wrong.

"Duncan!" We hve a name!! Dean shouted telepathically, "His Chi is waking him up!"

I quickly rushed behind the waking man and held my blade to his neck. With the hand that was not holding my sword, I covered his mouth.

"Tell me where Kane is, or I'll cut you open," I said, the anger of losing everyone I knew evident in my voice. "Scream, and you're dead."


I removed my hand from his mouth, and felt a sudden burst of energy rush through the hand that was holding my sword. At that same instant, I felt the man's hand pushing with extraordinary strength on its handle. The strength Dean was focusing on my hand was just enough to combat the raider's own boost from his Chi, and I held the sword were it was for several seconds. Suddenly, the man twisted out of my grasp, and drew his own sword. He was halfway through shouting for help when my blade spilled his intestines onto the floor of the tent. A bit abrupt don't you think?Rage was pulsing through me, and in that instant, I lost all reason, and charged out of the tent to meet what I expected to be a veritable army. Instead I found seven confused men with assorted weaponry.


They were dressed like barbarians, with clothing made out of what seemed to be the same rough leather as their tents, and were all wielding some jagged piece of spike covered metal. Knowing that if I hesitated they would kill me in an instant, I utilized Dean's helpful burst of power to my legs to lunge forward and slay the first man. He had barely swung his gigantic battle axe before my sword stabbed at his shoulder. He stumbled to the ground screaming. The next two men attacked in unison, and even with the help of my Chi I was struggling. One held a heavy iron mace, and the other stabbed at me with a six foot pike. I was barely surviving, dodging this way and that, ducking blows, and slashing at my adversaries angrily. All of the pain and grief I had felt earlier seemed to be converted into anger, and it fueled my attacks. Finally, I stabbed the man with the mace, and kicking the spear from the other raider's hand, I plunged my sword into his chest, mingling the blood of the two men. It now seemed clear to the other four men who they were supposed to be attacking, and they leapt in for the kill.
So they were just standing there gormlessly before this point?

Without Dean's efforts in that fight I would have perished in under thirty seconds. Instead, power surged through me like never before. I had wondered earlier how dean was feeling, and now I knew. He was enraged. The anger he felt now flowed through my veins as energy, and I moved like lightning. My blows bent the solid steel axes and swords of my opponents, and I felt no fear. After I had slain three more men, I knocked the weapon from the last man's hand and shoved him to the ground. I positioned one foot on his chest, and pointed my sword at his neck.

"Where is Kane, the raider warlord?!" I demanded furiously.

"He's not here," said the man, a smile beginning to creep on to his face as he made a sudden realization.

"Duncan, you just used all of your energy in that fight, I'm struggling to keep you awake. You'll collapse from fatigue any minute now, so make this quick."

"But I feel fine," I said, confused at how I could possibly be ready to collapse with all of this energy flowing through me.

"As soon as I can't sustain this anymore, you're going to drop, just take my word for it."

"Tell me where he is!" I shouted, realizing that if I didn't get an answer out of him soon I would faint, and never get one.

"You'll never win. You can't just kill Kane, he has a power you don't understand. Go looking for him and he will take you down in a heartbeat."

"Tell me or I'll murder you right here!" I said, panic beginning to set in, as I felt the effects of fatigue and exhaustion. I began to realize that if I fainted, this man would kill me.

"It doesn't look like you have the energy," he gloated, pushing me off of him and preparing to end my life.

"Think again," I said weakly. With one final surge of strength, I ran the raider through on the blade of my sword, and then promptly blacked out.

The story's progressing nicely. I suggest you revise the action scenes as it was all quite abrupt and disjointed. Now, on to the next chapter!!

Okay, so I was supposed to review this last Saturday, but never got to it, (sorry :3 ) so I'm finally getting to it
Usually I'd read what everyone wrote, but since they all seem to have really long reviews, I'm just going to go on my own. Sorry if it's a bit repetitive, but sometimes that helps to show you what you needs concentrating on, so sorry, but not sorry

psudiname wrote:It was a little past midday when we caught up to the raider's camp.

Okay, I have an issue with this. They find their entire village destroyed, everyone killed, yada yada, and all they know is that is it's a man named Kane who did it. By their thoughts and dialogue you can tell they have no idea who he is. So how can they know that the camp is the raider's camp? Did they overhear people mention Kane? Did they follow tracks? You need to show, or even tell, us this, because they can't just miraculously know.

psudiname wrote: I hunted in the woods for rabbits until I had enough to feed a small village,

I highly doubt this. It might give him something to do to pass the time, but in the old days, people killed to feed themselves, and so they killed only what they would eat; they wouldn't kill just for sport as their "food" would go to waste after a certain amount of time. If they are only two people, they would generally eat up to 4 rabbits a day and therefore wouldn't hunt enough to feed a small village.

psudiname wrote:"Duncan!" Dean shouted telepathically, "His Chi is waking him up!"

As I mentioned in the last chapter, any thoughts between the two guys should be in italic instead of having " ".

All righty, finished reading.

synismysyn3 wrote: But I'm a little confused as the WHAT exactly is a Chi? Is it somebody's spirit? Is it a spirit that is inside a person ? WHAT IS IT?

I also thought this. I'm not sure if you were trying to leave a bit of mystery in the story as to what Chi is, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. Personnaly, I know what Chi is as per many different authors and animes, but as each interprets it in a different way, you need to tell us. Why? Because if you don't mention anything, even if it's the littlest of information, people will make up their own minds of what Chi is and, further down the road, if you invented something linked to that, people might get confused as they wouldn't understand what that has to do with their Chi. Basically, if you say nothing, people'll get really confused and could potentially tune off to the story. (Exagerated outcome, yes, but I've seen it happen before)

Also, I think you need to make your character a little more..imperfect. Yeah, sounds kinda weird, I know. What I really mean is, your MC goes through 7 or 8 barbarians, succeeds in killing them all, but doesn't seem to get a single scratch. What people love, is suspense. Makes us feel like he's in danger, and I don't just mean him passing out at the end. Have him receive a few good blows, make him weaker, make it more of a battle and not a one-sided fight.

Aside from that, I thought it was a good chapter. I'm still feeling like there's some emotions missing from the characters, but that can be fixed later on. I also think you could've put more action to it but I'm a sucker for loads of fighting, so that's just me
*Likes*
In the whole, I think this story has a good base, it just needs to be tweaked a bit. It needs more in-depth to the character's feelings and all that. That's all I got to say.
Keep up the good work
Spitfire

Alright, reading chapter two made me even more excited for this story. Now for the concrete feedback:

For the first time since my home was destroyed, I thought about Dean's feelings. I felt selfish thinking about how much he was concerned about me, and how little I had thought about how this must have affected him. Being practically the same person, he was probably also feeling the emptiness that I was feeling. Dean had always been the more emotional of the two of us, and for better or for worse, contrasted with my more calm logical personality. Whenever I was nervous about talking to girls, Dean was the one who would convince me, using inspiring words as his eyes began to light up with an idea. Whenever I was challenged to a fistfight by one of the other boys, Dean was the one who would talk me into accepting, using words like 'honor', and 'glory'. Unfortunately, none of the adults in the village allowed "my chi made me do it" as a valid excuse, having heard it hundreds of times from other kids. The dull pain of recent loss struck me again as I thought about the past. All of the boys I had gotten into fistfights with and all of the girls I had courted were now dead. There was no solace for me now except Dean, and the beautiful act of revenge I would soon perform. Thinking about all of this made me sick with grief.

I absolutely adore this paragraph. It really gives an insight into Duncan's relationship with his Chi, and I like the addition of the "my Chi made me do it" as a spin on the classic excuse. I laughed when I read it the "and the beautiful act of revenge I would soon perform" is also a very good sentence. It really invokes the emotion of the moment.

Also, the way you had Dean tell Duncan that he would faint if he didn't get the confession soon is very good. I found myself biting my fingernails waiting to see what would happen. This interrogation scene is pretty old and tested, but the whole energy prospect made it unique. Well done!

On the other hand of things, I feel like the story is moving a bit fast. Like there's just so much action going on, one event right after the other. It's like I'm drinking from a fire hydrant, you know? I think that every big event needs time to resonate before the next one. Some people get to thinking that if you stop being loud and active for more than a few pages you're going to lose the reader's attention, which is not good. Readers need quiet time; it teaches the importance of atmosphere, reflection, and foreshadowing. So try to give your story some down time every now and them, cool?

All and all, a lot of potential energy is here, and I want to see it converted into kinetic energy in the near future, so keep moving forward!
- SOCKS

Hey there! Again!

I was a little confused about who Duncan was at first. I assumed the main character was a girl, (big mistake) and I thought Duncan was an actual person. I don't really get the concept of "Chi" though. To me, it sounds kind of like a guardian angel of sorts.

Anyways, I'm really starting to like this story. I feel like it has a lot of potential, and I'm excited to read more about it! I'm also starting to like it more because I'm starting to understand what's going on! xD

Excellent job again!

~Amfli
GO TEAM TOXIC NUDIBRANCH!

Here again. Again might be playing the part of a broken record. Plowing ahead anyway.

Waking up and remembering that I had almost nothing, that all of my possessions and all of the people I knew were gone, was a bitter experience.

This was telling. Show us that it was a bitter experience. What did he do in reaction? Did he cry? Did he just lay awake and sift through all the memories he'd lost? Was he in shock before and it's just now catching up to him? How does he feel about this? What would he do to show us that this is a horrible experience, rather than just coldly tell us? We don't feel the emotion here. It's so distant that we are distanced.

At least I still had Dean, since nothing could separate a person from their Chi.

What exactly is a Chi? The word has actual meaning in the real world, but this doesn't fit my understanding of Chi. You don't need to info-dump a paragraph or two on us, but give us some more hints. Does everyone have a Chi? Is the Chi a real, tangible person, or is he just sort of a spirit that only the MC sees?

"They'll be dead before that happens," I responded coldly.

"Sounds like a plan."

Um, no it doesn't. That was a legitimate question: What do they do if the enemy wakes up before they're done. What if there are a whole heapin' lot of enemy? There had to be to burn down that village and kill all of it's inhabitants. I mean, it had to have some sort of guards or some folks who knew how to use weapons if it had a blacksmith that made weapons, no? So is your MC really so confident that he can kill all of them without any of them making noise or getting the jump on them? Seems pretty stupidly cocky to me.

I hunted in the woods for rabbits until I had enough to feed a small village

Dude, that's got to be a lot of rabbits. I mean, you can feed one, maybe two people a small meal on a rabbit. They aren't all that big. Why is he doing this? Nervous energy? Seems to me there'd be better things to do with his time than wasting food resources like this. Not to mention rabbits are hard to catch. Is he just that amazingly good? I'm confused.

Instead I found seven confused men with assorted weaponry.

See? This is what happens when you don't have a back-up plan. Or really any plans. If he'd been smart, he would have spent that time he was hunting rabbits earlier spying on the campsite to figure out who Kane was and where he was.

"Where is Kane, the raider warlord?!" I demanded furiously.

Again with the telling. I want to see him being angry. I want to see him screaming and ranting and being dangerous. I want to see him acting on his anger, rather than just having him tell me that he's angry.

Mmm, still wasn't feeling the emotion here. Everything zipped along so quickly. I want to see in this character's head a bit more. I want to see what he does based on his emotions. Rather than just telling us that he and Daniel had a conversation, I want to see their conversation. How did Dean tell him to stop sharpening his sword? Was he sharp or was he patient? Showing that conversation would been a perfect time to show more of what a Chi is and illustrate the relationship between the two that much more.

All in all, slow down a little. Give us a little time to get attached to the characters, so we care about their plot and worry about them being in danger. As is, they just sort of seem like superhumans and I'm not really concerned for their well-being. It's a bit boring, not being worried. Make me worry!

Keep on chug-a-lugging along.

~GryphonFledgling