Young Writers Society

I was nineteen when I watched my village burn to the ground. It was a tranquil autumn morning, and the dew had not yet descended from the brightly colored leaves to the parched grass. Dean stood adjacent to me on a rotting log, staring dumfounded at the plumes of black smoke that rose like a sinister tower from what used to be our home. When our fit of awe subsided, we stumbled together down the steep hill, towards the raging inferno.


Dean and I had only left the village for a few hours, and we slowly came to the realization that this was no accident. We had not yet made it down the hill before our fears were confirmed. This was a raid. Bodies lay strewn across the ground, saturating the earth with their blood, and the whole gruesome scene was illuminated by the flames that liked every cottage. We found only one survivor.

"Are you okay?" I asked, trembling.

"It was a man named Kane," the man gasped, blood leaking from his chest.

"He's not going to make it," Dean notified me.

"Who is Kane?" I said.

"Some raider warlord who has been tearing through this region with a band of mercenaries... he went north."

With that the survivor breathed one final breath, and relaxed . I looked up at the smoldering wooden structures solemnly and made a decision. This decision changed my life forever. I decided to find and kill the man named Kane.

Ash filled the air as I entered the crumbling stone ruins of the armory. The weapons were still red hot from their recent bath of fire. I looked at Dean mournfully, and he could do nothing but look mournfully back. There was no power or enhancement he could provide that would give me the strength I needed as I stepped through the rubble, trying to ignore the pain that stabbed me with every heartbeat. As I moved to pick up a steel short sword, a charred piece of wood caught my eye. It was the smoking remains of a wooden sword, that I remember using when I first started my training.

"Thrust your full body into it," Robert had said, "don't rely entirely on your Chi, he can only do so much."

"Yeah Duncan," teased twelve year old Dean, "you act like I'm a Spirit of the Beyond or something. I can't do everything for you."

"I'm doing my best. Hey would you mind a little more in my legs and not my arms?" I asked Dean telepathically. Dean shifted the boost of strength he had been sending to my arms to my legs, and my sword thrusts became dramatically faster. I had never needed this much physical energy for anything other than chores like chopping wood, but now that I had started the training to become a warrior, Dean and I were just getting the hang of the assistance he could give me.

If not for Robert's Chi, he would have no idea how much effort Dean was putting into our lessons, but unfortunately for me (and Dean), if either of us began to slack off, he was swiftly informed. Robert was not a bad trainer, his paroxysms of rage aside, and he usually offered helpful criticism and constructive lessons. Since all children in Guana were raised by the community, he became my father figure, and looked at me as a son, just as he did his other students.

But here it was, the town of Guana burned to the ground, and all of its inhabitants including my surrogate father, dead. All except me.

Steam filled the air with a hiss as I used tongs to drop a hot sword into a bucket of water. That sword, second only to Dean, was now my best friend. I took only the bare minimum with me as I left, including bread and meat from the village granary, several water skins, and a few changes of clothing. No one except me would be requiring them .

Finally I left my charred home. The still burning leaves crumbled to dust under my heavy waterproof boots as I set off north, following the fresh tracks of the raiders as I would if I were tracking an animal. A fiery rage burned inside me, and I only had one thought. Revenge.


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Hello!

First, let me say that I really liked this piece. There is something refreshing about it. The world you are building here seems an interesting one, and I would be intrigued to read more.

I do have a couple suggestions, and the first has to do with pacing. You move through the entire scene pretty quickly. Going from the hill, to the fire, to the dead man, to the weaponry, and back out again. Slow it down a bit. Add a few more descriptors, let your character take in the scene, breath in, in this case, the smoke filled air.

Which is related to my second suggestion, try and inject more emotion into this piece. Your MC just saw his entire life burn to the ground, his home, his friends, his entire town. He saw a man die in his arms. How would you feel had that happened to you? Even if you were a trained warrior, I doubt you could calmly go to the weaponry and then grab a few changes of clothing and leave, when your entire life has just been burned to ash. As it stands, your MC seems really removed from the scene, like he is watching it on a movie screen, instead of experiencing it. The reader doesn't get a sense of the panic, of the initial stab of suffering and grief, of the acute loss. Get us into your character's head, let us feel exactly what he is feeling, think what he is thinking. I think it will really help make your piece more believable, real, and most importantly, identifiable. There is nothing more inherently human than strong emotion.

For example, you say when the man dies in your MC's arms, your MC decides in a moment to kill Kane. Okay, good, but describe that moment, build up to it. Did your character have trouble processing the name at first because he knew no one by the name of Kane? Did the initial panic give way to a rage that was bubbling over inside? Did your character want to rip the throat out of this Kane, for what he had done to this man, and his entire life? The answer to all, none, or many other questions could be part of your build up to the moment your MC decides to kill. You could even describe the dying man, his wounds, or the setting of the scene for extra Impact. If you do this type of work throughout, your piece, I believe, could be truly fantastic. If you need some more ideas, there is a good article on pacing here

One final note. Your MC seems to go into town, get a few things, and then leave right away. I am wondering why. Certainly, there could be any number of reasons, though they are not detailed. If I was in the same position (granted, I am not your MC) I would want to stay as close to town as possible, at least initially. Town has food, shelter, weopons, and its the only thing your MC knows. I am confused as to why he is in such a hurry to leave. It does not seem to make all that much sense. If your MC has a reason, I believe it would help to mention it.

I hope this helped. I really like what you have here, great start! If you strive to make your characters actions and emotions believable, I really think you could have something great here! If you have any questions, comments, or would like a review on a revision or second chapter, feel free to PM me. Thanks for the read!

Audrey

First off, the nitpicks:

But here it was, the town of Guana burned to the ground, and all of its inhabitants including my surrogate father, dead. All except me.

I'm a bit confused by this last sentence. Didn't you say that Dean was still alive? You did mention, however, that your MC can send thoughts to Dean, but even so a little more detail and explanation here would be appreciated. :)

Steam filled the air with a hiss as I used tongs to drop a hot sword into a bucket of water. That sword, second only to Dean, was now my best friend. I took only the bare minimum with me as I left, including bread and meat from the village granary, several water skins, and a few changes of clothing. No one except me would be requiring them.

You mention a few times that the entire village was burnt to the ground. Maybe you didn't mean this literally, but that's how I, as the reader, took it since you didn't give too much detail on the location. So, if I'm correct, wouldn't the food, water skins, and clothing be scorched at the very least? A little more detail and explanation, please.

I just want to let you know how much I love the idea of this. I'm always looking for new creative books that are purely unique, and I believe I have found one here! :) I like your writing; you use your words VERY nicely. You're not using useless words just to make it seem "artsy," you're actually using words that relate and apply to the story. Very nice job there!

Overall, I like your pace. I appreciate that it's not slow, but I also think that you should add more detail and emotion. I completely agree with Audrey on this matter, so please take her advice! :) Also, I love how well you balance out "show and tell." You give us just enough "tell" without boring us, and the perfect amount of "show" to not make our heads spin 'round. Excellent job at recognizing this major mistake that most authors make.

So far, I'm not getting too much of a feel for your MC. If you added more emotion from him then this would improve matters a whole lot. Now, I realize that this is only the first chapter, but I feel that we should get a real grip on your MC from the very beginning. Make us connect to him. With his emotion and personality popping out as us, this story would be a ton better. I'm not meaning to say that it's not good as it is right now (because it is), I'm purely saying that it would be better. Again, Audrey brought this up and pointed out some really good points that I think you should listen to. :)

Overall, a very nice story you have here. I look forward to reviewing the next part. Great job on your grammar, by the way! ;) Nothing distracts me more from a good story than typos. Hope I helped! PM me with questions or for another review!

-RayHutch

I love your first sentence. It was a really nice hook and it made me want to read more. I like your descriptions of what happened. One thing I would suggest is that, for easily confused readers like me, maybe make the transitions a little more clearer. Also, I was confused to who or what exactly Dean was. Is he human? I know it's only the first chapter, but it would be nice to know that. Right now I don't have a clear image of Dean in my head at all. Aside from those little things, I really liked it. Keep writing!

I think this is a really good concept, but I think you go through the scene very quickly. I got lost in some parts, you explain how you find only one surviver and he dies in the MC arms and the MC decides right then and there to kill Kane I think your MC would have been a little more emotional than he had. Also you describe how he goes and get supplies from an armory and food from a village granary and other items, as the readers point of view I was in the notion that the whole village had burned to the ground. It would seem that the MC should stop and look around and describe what he was seeing, and feeling, and all of the elements around him. For example, you could describe the clothes that he had went and found, and what his hut looked like after it was burned down. Was it charred? Did anything survive? Did he find any childhood memorabilia left over from the fire? I think it just needs to be paced better and more descriptive. Keep writing!

Hello, Psud.

As requested.


Disclaimer: Everything in this review is opinion. While I won't always say "In my opinion,." it should always be implied unless explicitly stated otherwise. I don't presume to think my opinion is law, and neither should you. If you think something works for your story, and I disagree, go with your own instinct. YOU are the creator of this world. We just vacation here

I was nineteen when I...

Too modern. Say "I had seen nineteen summers" or something else fantasy-ish. Referring to years as a simple number is very much a modern thing to say.

"It was a man named Kane."[/quite]
Little cliche for my taste. Most people know that Kane is the evil brother of Abel. We get it. Kane = evil. Why can't George ever be the evil warlord?

...blood leaking from his chest.

Stomach. Likely wouldn't survive for hours with a chest wound. Stomach wound, however...hours is plausible.

"Some raider warlord who has been tearing through this region with a band of mercenaries... he went north."

Pretty coherent, for a dying man.

The weapons were still red hot from their recent bath of fire.

Blacksmiths cool their weapons. Also, if they were raiders, you'd think they would have...you know. Raided. Why would weapons still be there?

Double use of the same adverb? Really? (mournfully)

Decent concept. Like the whole "Chi" thing, though that term already has a specific meaning in Chinese (?) culture, and should be changed. Also, it needs to be explained before you mention enhancements he can provide, not after. It leaves the reader going "Huh?" (and not in a mysterious, this-could-be-important-later kinda way.) the whole opening scene is very "80's fantasy film," but if you must use that opening, it was done well enough. I'd like to see more descriptions of characters, actions and the village in general.

Revise it. Redo some of it.

--D

Hello!

First of all, you have a highly catchy first line here! It's very catchy in fact, so I was pretty excited about reading your story. And that's a really good thing to! It has plenty of hook in it. It's brimming with emotional conflict and violence. Lovely sentence!

Now, let's go on to the rest of your piece, shall we?

I was nineteen when I watched my village burn to the ground. It was a tranquil autumn morning, and the dew had not yet descended from the brightly colored leaves to the parched grass. <-- I don't know if you are aware of this, but this line is pretty funny juxtaposed with the first line. I mean, it has the potential to be serious, if you mention some of the violence, like saying, "... which made the scene below seem that much more surreal" or something like that. But, right now, this line seems reeeeally funny.

Dean stood adjacent to me on a rotting log, staring dumfounded at the plumes of black smoke that rose like a sinister tower from what used to be our home. <-- My first impression? These guys are young. Why? Because if you saw plumes of black smoke rising, this means that the fire is just starting, so there's a potential for you to actually stop it. So, in this case, I would be tearing off my clothes to make an artificial face mask so I can help people out there when I get down to the smoke. But they're just staring at the fire like idiots. So, either they are idiots or they are very young and don't know what to do. Or they don't care at all and this is simply amusing to them, but I don't think that is the case.

When our fit of awe subsided, we stumbled together down the steep hill, towards the raging inferno. <-- So. Let's talk about raging infernos. Raging infernos need FUEL to burn, so at this point in time, if this town is in a raging inferno, it is not totally collapsed unless the materials of the houses and stuff are relatively easy to burn (grass huts come to mind) in which case it would be a quick inferno and by the time they stumble down, it would probably be out. Now, if the town is a raging inferno, it is likely that: A) this is an accident and somebody's been kind of a klutz, or B) this is not an accident and the people that started the inferno are probably running away as we speak. And they're probably very, very close. After all, the only way this is going to turn into a raging inferno is if they put a lot of effort in it. It's unlikely that the village would burn down very easily. Unless it's been burnt down before and they just keep on rebuilding it! But you would think they would learn something, you know?

Dean and I had only left the village for a few hours, and we slowly came to the realization that this was no accident. <-- Um. How exactly have they come to that opinion? If your place is set in the primitive sort of world (which I think it is, since you're using swords, etc.) then there are tons of possible reasons why this could be an accident. A natural disaster, for one. Or a cow kicked over a lantern -- I kid you not, one of the worst fires in Chicago actually started this way. Or someone accidentally set fire to a thatched roof and it spread everywhere. There are dozens of reasons why a fire could have happened. If this realization is indeed a slow realization, then there must be a bunch of evidence... and unfortunately, if bodies are everywhere and that's how the realize it's a raid? Yeah, that's not a slow realization. Unless your characters are idiots, which I sincerely hope they aren't!

We had not yet made it down the hill before our fears were confirmed. This was a raid. Bodies lay strewn across the ground, saturating the earth with their blood, and the whole gruesome scene was illuminated by the flames that liked every cottage. <-- Um. If this is indeed an inferno (and you previously described it as one) the bodies would probably be charred by now. Which... means no blood saturating the earth. Also, one thing that I am kind of disappointed about is that you didn't actually use your senses very well. Think: American Civil War. Yeah, there were tons of destruction and fire. But, there was also the pervading smell of death. And let me put it this way... having smelled death before, it is the most horrible smell you can think of. I smelled it years ago, and I can still think of exactly how it smells. And I can't describe it because it's like nothing I've ever smelled. So use your senses! This smell is what causes so many people to get sick.

We found only one survivor. <-- LET ME GUESS. THE ONE SURVIVOR CONVENIENTLY LIVES AND GIVES THE NARRATOR THE ONE KEY PIECE OF INFORMATION HE NEEDS AND THEN HE CONVENIENTLY DIES.

"Are you okay?" I asked, trembling. <-- COME ON. He's a warrior and he's trembling because of a survivor? Get real. And doesn't he know this guy? If the village is small enough to burn this easily, it's very likely he knows everybody there.

"It was a man named Kane," the man gasped, blood leaking from his chest. <-- Um. Why is blood leaking from his chest? Description here may be good. Also, if an internal organ looks hit (which is probably likely here) then he would also have blood leaking from his mouth. I also want to point out that they're having this dialogue when their world is in flames?! Um.

"He's not going to make it," Dean notified me. <-- Notify is a weird word.

"Who is Kane?" I said.

"Some raider warlord who has been tearing through this region with a band of mercenaries... he went north." <-- WTF? This narrator is a warrior, yet this dying dude (we'll call him Eric) know more about a raider warlord than he does? Doesn't that sound a bit... off? Unless, of course, he completely sucks as a warrior. That could also be a possibility.

With that the survivor breathed one final breath, and relaxed . <-- I laughed here. It's so typical. Also, shouldn't they get out of the inferno?

I looked up at the smoldering wooden structures solemnly and made a decision. This decision changed my life forever. I decided to find and kill the man named Kane. <-- I also laughed here, and the more I read, the more humorous this line seems. I mean, the whole place is on fire -- described as an INFERNO, and he is watching the inferno (strangely not choking on all the smoke or anything) and he decides to solemnly make a decision. Um. Okay. He's pretty odd, yup. Also, he's this warrior dude and... he doesn't even want to chase after the bad guy, who is probably really close by? Um. Yeah.

Ash filled the air as I entered the crumbling stone ruins of the armory. <-- Quick lesson on heat transfer here. Fire generally doesn't do much to stone. I know, what?! But it really doesn't. While I'll be the first to admit that different stones have different heat properties and such (trust me... my sister is a geologist/geophysicist and she would kill me if I said otherwise) the stones that are used for buildings generally are very good at keeping the heat in and keeping the cool out. Now, when there is a big raging fire, the stone building, if not supported by wood, would probably remain quite intact. BUT. A catch here. The inside would be like an oven. And there would not be any ash inside because the stone keeps that out, but it is easily 500˚F in there.

The weapons were still red hot from their recent bath of fire. <-- Another quick lesson. If the swords are made out of steel and are red hot, they are probably 1250˚F. Which means that there is no way your main character can survive in there. And, since metal actually cools quite quickly, that is suggesting that the stone room is probably acting like a furnace, so that makes it doubly impossible to do this.

I looked at Dean mournfully, and he could do nothing but look mournfully back. There was no power or enhancement he could provide that would give me the strength I needed as I stepped through the rubble, trying to ignore the pain that stabbed me with every heartbeat. <-- What pain?

As I moved to pick up a steel short sword, a charred piece of wood caught my eye. It was the smoking remains of a wooden sword, that I remember using when I first started my training. <-- Haha, that's gotta be hot. Also, on general principle, I am going to ignore the flashback of the smoking remains of the wooden sword that he just HAPPENS to see that SOMEHOW provides him a flashback which COINCIDENTALLY informs us that the characters are telepathic (of course!) and use the Chi powers while CONVENIENTLY not using it in the actual story at all. (Hint: it's called an info dump. Don't do that.)

But here it was, the town of Guana burned to the ground, and all of its inhabitants including my surrogate father, dead. <-- You do realize that Guana is an actual place, right? Also, as a side note, Guano (which is what I first read it as since I am awesome) is bat poop. So yeah. XD

All except me. <-- Enter: Dean waving his hands and saying, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

Steam filled the air with a hiss as I used tongs to drop a hot sword into a bucket of water. <-- Um. Okay. Bucket of water. Where did that come from? Probably magically. But really, if it's a wooden bucket, it's probably kind of burnt. And if its a steel bucket... well... the water is probably really, really hot. I'm just being realistic here. Inferno and all, yo.

That sword, second only to Dean, was now my best friend. I took only the bare minimum with me as I left, including bread and meat from the village granary, several water skins, and a few changes of clothing. <-- OF COURSE. Because, really, after burning the village to the ground, these would be completely intact! (Hint: THEY WOULD BE BURNT TOO.)

No one except me would be requiring them . <-- Dean again is waving his hands and saying, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

Finally I left my charred home. The still burning leaves crumbled to dust under my heavy waterproof boots as I set off north, following the fresh tracks of the raiders as I would if I were tracking an animal. <-- Quick hint! Leaves are the FIRST things that get on fire and one of the fastest things to go in an inferno. By this time, there wouldn't be any leaves on fire still.

A fiery rage burned inside me, and I only had one thought. Revenge. <-- This totally reminds me of an awesome Decemberists song!

ANYWAY. You reeeeeeeeeally need to work on the scientific/common sense aspects of this story. This story can be really, really good. You have tons of violence and death (that's what drew me in this story in the first place!) and you have a warrior who can totally kick butt! I think. Well, I don't really know, but I'm pretty sure he can!

In any case, it doesn't look like you're really thinking about your story. Instead, it looks like you're relying on cliched images that you've read before and hoping that it sets up your story right. And I guess it would for most people who don't care, but I am the reader from hell and I like things to make sense and be well researched so that I can immerse myself utterly into a story and abandon all sense of reality here.

So yeah. Definitely fix this up, okay? I know you're excited to get on with the better parts of the story, but you need to focus on this part too.

Hello! I'm here as requested. (And attempting to think up something new to say after all the reviews you've gotten already! Though I haven't read all of them either, so hopefully I won't sound redundant. Too much, anyway.)

So I read the first paragraph and immediately thought of Eragon. Needless to say, a lot of this has been done before! So be careful when continuing this story.

In the first paragraph, I feel like the setting is contradictory. I'm not sure the morning would seem very tranquil when they're watching their village burn to the ground. (Wait, wouldn't they go help if it's burning right now? Or would they run away 'cause they're young kids who don't know anything yet and are, therefore, frightened when they see the raiders?)

The village is burning to the ground. That implies that all the buildings are collapsing, all the people are dying if not already dead, animals are running amok if not dead or gone already -- there's lots of chaos going on or already done. (I'm not sure how long the village has been burning to decide how chaotic this place is! Building on that, how do we know there isn't a raider or two still around? Should they really be running into the open like that without checking first?)

With that the survivor breathed one final breath, and relaxed . I looked up at the smoldering wooden structures solemnly and made a decision. This decision changed my life forever. I decided to find and kill the man named Kane.

XD This is silly! I'm still not sure how old this guy is, but what kind of person is he to just decide this guy needs to die? Maybe he's impulsive, but he didn't seem like that when he was watching his entire village burn. How does the villager even know Kane is the one who sent the raiders? And how convenient there's a survivor there to even know this. If this was such a bad raid, I don't think the raiders would explain who they were and why they were there. They sound pretty awful and would be more blunt and demanding about getting what they want. "Tell me this OR DIE!" kind of thing.

The flashback is another major point I wasn't fond of. I felt like that slowed the pace waaay down. He's trying to make it through a burning building. I doubt reminiscing is a good idea right now! In survival scenes like these, you want to keep it moving! Save the memories for those transition scenes -- travelling, dinner, before they fall asleep, etc. This flashback took a good third of your chapter here when you could be making this much more action-packed and frightening.

I don't really know the two MCs by now, and I feel like I should have a vague idea by now. This was a huge event in their lives, so there's definitely possible characterization you could mention to the reader. How they reacted, what they thought, the things they say or the plans they come up with. Right now, they're pretty bland.

That's all I've got without going into line-by-lines. Hopefully, I said something new!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey writer,
This is a good work, and I enjoyed it. However, you seem to have a problem with making items, places, and people truly significant to the protagonist. For instance, the hero's choice to exact revenge was hasty, as if he didn't have time to mourn. The "steel short sword" he found seemed like a random pick-up (why not "his surrogate father's silver blade", to make it a more emotionally-important to him)

Hey Psudi! Sooo soo sorry it took me so long to review this. It's been a hectic week for the 'fire
On to reviewing..

psudiname wrote:"Are you okay?" I asked, trembling.

"It was a man named Kane," the man gasped, blood leaking from his chest.

"He's not going to make it," Dean notified me.

"Who is Kane?" I said.

"Some raider warlord who has been tearing through this region with a band of mercenaries... he went north."

Okay, first of all, you need to inform us of how this man is dying. Second of all, if this man is dying, he'd have trouble speaking, would be stuttering or talking in a panic. Take your pic. It also has to be quick; as the man is dying, he won't care for long talk and explanations.

psudiname wrote:With that the survivor breathed one final breath, and relaxed . I looked up at the smoldering wooden structures solemnly and made a decision. This decision changed my life forever. I decided to find and kill the man named Kane.

Whoa! This is waaayyy too quick. I know your MC is supposed to be infuriated and all and want revenge, but the main word is supposed. We have no notion of your main character being mad; he doesn't say he's mad, he doesn't act out his feelings, he doesn't show any emotions on his face. There's nothing to show or tell us and then, all of a sudden, he makes the decision to find and kill this man?!
Most people have the thought that revenge is everything once a tragedy has happened, but many forget, whether in real life or fiction, that to kill another human being is a rough decision. It's nothing to be taken lightly. And so your character's actions and reactions must reflet that. You have to make us feel/see his pain/rage over this scene and, slowly, lead his and our thoughts to his quest for vengeance.

psudiname wrote:I looked at Dean mournfully, and he could do nothing but look mournfully back.

I suggest you change the second mournfully for a synonym; it seems too repetitive.

psudiname wrote:As I moved to pick up a steel short sword, a charred piece of wood caught my eye.

I'd inverse these two words

psudiname wrote:"I'm doing my best. Hey would you mind a little more in my legs and not my arms?" I asked Dean telepathically.

Generally, when people think or talk in their minds, their dialogue should be put in italic.

psudiname wrote:But here it was, the town of Guana burned to the ground, and all of its inhabitants including my surrogate father, dead. All except me.

Uh..What about Dean?

psudiname wrote:The still burning leaves crumbled to dust under my heavy waterproof boots as I set off north, following the fresh tracks of the raiders as I would if I were tracking an animal.

I don't think it necessary, yet, to know that his boots are waterproof

psudiname wrote:A fiery rage burned inside me, and I only had one thought. Revenge.

Why is he by himself now? Where's Dean? Doesn't he want revenge too?

Okay, reading done. As for nit-picking, I've already mentioned everything that was bothering me, so that's done. You'll definitely need to work on your characters; give us more description on them, go through their actions and thougths more in depth, etc.

Over all, it was a good chapter, I'm curious to know what'll happen next.
Which I will when I go review chapter 2 tomorrow
Spitfire

Really good ! Immediately hooked me from the beginning. First sentence kicks major butt- hence, yet again, why it hooked me in =] Loved it from the first sentence. What happened to Duncan though from the flashback? You mention Duncan, but who is he? Why is he there? What's the point of his existence? Overall, very good ! (: RFeview myine! =]

I must confess that I haven't read any of the other reviews so if this seems repetitve I apologise in advance.

psudiname wrote:I was nineteen when I watched my village burn to the ground.

This is a good fiction hook, but might I suggest placing it in a separate paragraph? Also, this sounds quite modern. If it is a fantasy book (as you have indicated) you may want to change it to nineteen moons ago, or something like this.

psudiname wrote:liked

licked

psudiname wrote:"He's not going to make it," Dean notified me.

Notify is a strange word to use here.

psudiname] "Who is Kane?" I said.[/quote] Surely she/he would be more paranoid and frightened at the thought of this guy dying right before her eyes?
[quote="psudiname wrote:With that the survivor breathed one final breath, and relaxed . Try not to use breath twice in one sentenceI looked up at the smoldering wooden structures solemnly and made a decision. I think we need a bit more of a build up until this decision. Or explain why it was so easy to decide. This decision changed my life forever. I decided to find and kill the man named Kane. maybe add 'or die trying'

Ash filled the air as I entered the crumbling stone ruins of the armory. The weapons were still red hot from their recent bath of fire. I looked at Dean mournfully, and he could do nothing but look mournfully back. There was no power or enhancement he could provide that would give me the strength I needed as I stepped through the rubble, trying to ignore the pain that stabbed me with every heartbeat. As I moved to pick up a steel short sword, a charred piece of wood caught my eye. It was the smoking remains of a wooden sword, that I remember using when I first started my training.
This completely threw me. Where are they now? And when are they?

"Thrust your full body into it," Robert had said, "don't rely entirely on your Chi, he can only do so much."

"Yeah Duncan," teased twelve year old Dean, "you act like I'm a Spirit of the Beyond or something. I can't do everything for you."

"I'm doing my best. Hey would you mind a little more in my legs and not my arms?" I asked Dean telepathically. Wooah, as there was no indication of this before it adds to the confusion - I'd throw it in at another pointDean shifted the boost of strength he had been sending to my arms to my legs, and my sword thrusts became dramatically faster.wait, what? I had never needed this much physical energy for anything other than chores like chopping wood, but now that I had started the training to become a warrit, Dean and I were just getting the hang of the assistance he could give me.

If it was not for Robert's Chi, he who is he?would have no idea how much effort Dean was putting into our lessons, but unfortunately for me (and Dean), if either of us began to slack off, he was swiftly informed. Robert was not a bad trainer, his paroxysms of rage aside, and he usually offered helpful criticism and constructive lessons. Since all children in Guana were raised by the community, he became my father figure, and looked at me as a son, just as he did his other students.

But here it was, the town of Guana burned to the ground, and all of its inhabitants including my surrogate father, dead. All except me.

Steam filled the air with a hiss as I used tongs to drop a hot sword into a bucket of water. That sword, second only to Dean, was now my best friend. I took only the bare minimum with me as I left, including bread and meat from the village granary, several water skins, and a few changes of clothing. No one except me would be requiring them .

Finally I left my charred home. The still burning leaves crumbled to dust under my heavy waterproof boots as I set off north, following the fresh tracks of the raiders as I would if I were tracking an animal. A fiery rage burned inside me, and I only had one thought. Revenge.

And now I'm confused again, he was in the village the whole time? To make this clearer you need either a linking paragraph or occasional references to the view around them. I'm making my way to the next chapters now. Wish me luck!

Absolutely am hooked to this now haha. I can't wait to read more of this. Hopefully your work is still improving as you go on and good luck to you and your writing. I'm going to read chapter two tonight. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3

Well I finally got around to reading this, and I am glad I did! Where do i begin...

The first paragraph is good. It almost seems cliched, but theres a little element of uniqueness that I cant explain which makes it its own story. Maybe it's the fact that he's 19, and most of these are children scenarios, but whatever, the opening is good.

Good intro of "the man named Kane." I really want to know who he is now. But listen to your other commenters and embellish the emotion of this scene more. What exactly is he feeling? Liken his emotions to the burning buildings maybe, for a good visual. But like I've come to learn, let the environment talk for you as opposed to telling us what's happening.

You could do with a little more subtle explanation of what the Chi is (I mean, you've told me already, so I know, but still). I understand the little bit of vagueness, which works, but it almost feels like there's a little too much speculation. If I didn't talk with you about this idea, I'd be like "wtf, who is Dean? What is a Chi?" Just something to think about. Maybe work in the explanations into the metaphors (Even though Dean was right next to me, as he had been forever and always would be, I still felt more alone than ever in the blackened ash of our home). Little details like that can give the reader hints as to what the Chi is.

I especially LOVE the part where he says the sword is now his best friend. It's one of the best metaphors I've seen in a long time (I'm jealous I didn't think of it first!). Keep using good language and new comparisons to come up with good metaphors like this. It'll do wonders for the plot and character development.

Keep up the good work my friend!
- SOCKS

P.S Jesus does so pwn (:

Hi there!

I really liked this. First of all, the description and detail in this piece were AH-MA-ZING. You told the story so well, and it was just beautifully written. Although, I thought it was a little unrealistic how she could salvage that many objects to take with her. If the entire village had burned down, then how did she manage to salvage food and clothing out of that? That's really my only complaint.

Like I said before, I really liked this piece. And I liked how the reader had to use their imagination to sort of play out what the raid might've looked like, and possibly what they had been doing when Kane and his men came.

I'm really looking forward to reading the next chapter. Great job!

~Amfli
GO TEAM TOXIC NUDIBRANCH!