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chapter 4: Drive to D.C.
chapter 4: Drive to D.C.

by Undercover_Ninja in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 9, 2006
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The Boatman [Chapter 4]

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 4:15 pm    Post subject: The Boatman [Chapter 4] Reply with quote

Chapter 4

Isabel peered out of a thin crack through the curtains of her golden carrier. IT was night. The fountains in the palace gardens trickled bead’s of pristine water into the man-made lake below them. The carrier was on a bridge, being carried by ten bulky men. Isabel cringed every time they took a quick step on her bridge for fear of shoe marks.

The carrier was lowered at the palace entrance, fifty foot oak doors with a portcullis baring and detracting from its unique splendour. The men left just after raising the portcullis.

As she entered an icy chill invaded her senses, a strange darkness prevailed over all the oil lamps, now diminished that were all over the entrance room. A faint creak was heard. Isabel cautiously stepped forward, he lip trembling, she nearly shouted for the guards. She though better of it.

Something hard hit her shin, a chair broken, destroyed, blocking her footpath. Isabel inhaled a breath trying to calm herself but instead could smell a rotting, salty smell resembling dampness.

A swish was heard, the blowing of material. The curtains at the other end of the hall blew to one side, they blew slightly more revealing two bright yellow eyes.

At once the room was illuminated, the Boatman stood there with his fingers coiling themselves around a girls hair, who was lying on the floor. Delzette.

Isabel tripped and fell backwards, trying to escape from the Boatman, with a flash of light she had seized up, unable to move, her eyes focused on the ceiling, but her hearing still sound.

“I warned you Delzette,” said the Boatman with his sharp, masterful voice. The drumming of his fingers on Delzette’s forehead pulsed through the eerie silence. His voice lingered, repeating itself, as if it was a force attacking Isabel.

She regained her senses again and carefully stood up, the Boatman now with a knife at Delzette’s throat standing in front of Isabel and bearing his toothless grin.

“Wwhat do yyyou want?” Isabel stuttered and backed against the wall, she broke out into a cold sweat. The Boatman’s eyes burned amber and he and Delzette rose off the floor and approached Isabel.

Delzette was chained and unconscious, her body radiated the glow of a curse: a thin blue attraction, appealing to the human eye.

“You did not listen to me,” He hissed gently, “YOU FAILED ME.” His voice became hoarser and backed up with greater power: a hint of rage that could silence an entire battle field. The Boatman steadily raised his hand, and pointed to the scarred side of Isabel’s face. “LIAR!” He roared at her, she glided down the wall, lost for words, entranced with fear.

“I will keep my promise…” He lowered his hand and looked directly into Delzette’s eyes “…I will destroy your family, one by one. “ With his eyes yellowed, the glow left Delzette, leaving her pale, still, lifeless.

“NO!” Isabel’s sudden screams ricocheted through the palace and out to the guards, they ran to her aid looking around, seeing Isabel distraught and her daughter dead. The Boatman had gone.

Isabel crawled over to her daughter’s body. She stroked her face and kissed her on the forehead, blemishing it with her tears. “He killed her,” she whispered. “HE KILLED HER.” Her whisper turned to a wail. The guards stood, silent unable to understand what had happened. She wiped away her cries to reveal eyes of determination. “Guards take my daughter, hang her naked in the town centre,” she said with a sly grin. The guards looked at each other before doing as she asked.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is really well written, and very interesting. I would worry about the beginning; it's a bit hard to read.

It's especially odd that Isabel is worried about shoe marks at the beginning-I thought that was a pretty interesting addition, but it didn't really feel smooth with the text.

I really liked the ending-it certainly leaves you hanging, although she seems to have gotten over her daughter fairly quickly.

Bravo
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 10:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thankyou, yes the beginning is a little hard to read, and the only thing Isabel cares about is herself really and wanting to wipe out every single magic user on the planet, so her daughters death is good propaganda to cause a revolt.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is getting so good Adam i've no idea what period it is, but it is such a great story. Keep it up it's getting intresting.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 12:04 pm    Post subject: Re: The Boatman [Chapter 4] Reply with quote

Quote:
IT was night.


Typo: it

Quote:
The carrier was on a bridge, being carried by ten bulky men. Isabel cringed every time they took a quick step on her bridge for fear of shoe marks.


Why not just say she was being carried in a litter across a bridge by ten men..etc.

Quote:
The carrier was lowered at the palace entrance, fifty foot oak doors with a portcullis baring and detracting from its unique splendour. The men left just after raising the portcullis.


Wouldn't they open the door for her before they leave or did she want to be left alone to go inside?

Quote:
Isabel cautiously stepped forward, he lip trembling, she nearly shouted for the guards.


Just a typo: 'he' should be 'her'.

Quote:
Isabel inhaled a breath trying to calm herself but instead could smell a rotting, salty smell resembling dampness.


I don't know.. but this just semmed wrong.. 'inhaled a breath'. Would it be better as 'she inhaled, trying to calm herself but instead....'

Quote:
Isabel tripped and fell backwards, trying to escape from the Boatman, with a flash of light she had seized up, unable to move, her eyes focused on the ceiling, but her hearing still sound.


Confusion. What happened here, was it Isabel who was seized up. Up where? In the air or just pushed aside?

Quote:
She regained her senses again and carefully stood up, the Boatman now with a knife at Delzette’s throat standing in front of Isabel and bearing his toothless grin.


'standing' I think it should be 'stood'. As: 'the Boatman, now with a knife at Delzette's throat, stood in front of Isabel and beared his toothless grin'. Or change it some other way.


The last paragraph is really interesting. When I read it I thought maybe something had possessed Isabel to make her have her daughter taken away and smiling a 'sly grin'. Or maybe I'm just getting the idea wrong.

I really really like the Boatman, he's creepy and just comes and goes whenever he pleases.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks everyone, Im glad you like it. Yes some of the grammar is alittle messey in this chapter.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dont get it, one minute a brave girl trana save her sister next minute shes demanding to hang her dead sister in the village......... .

Other than this , this piece of work was written well, it did hold maybe a bit too many adjectives but on the whole was good. Wink

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 10:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks again for the comments, I arnt really getting the comments about Isabel, she never once tried to save her daughter, she was frightened of the Boatman, also in previous chapters she uses the bad things inflicted upon her to stir up hatred against the boatman and all those with magic.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once again I applaud you, I'm glad you gave your villan another appearance, for some reason I really like the Boatman. I think a good villan really helps make a story better and the Boatman is definately a good villan. Even though he isn't the main bad guy in the story he is still intriguing and I think that you are doing great at making him seem evil. I also think your writing is vastly improving. Each time you post your work it seems like you are getting more familiar with your writing style.

Waiting for pt 5-*Twilight*

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thankyou, yes I think I am too, this is my first attempt at a novel length story so Im gradually working into a style im comfortable with.

Thanks again

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This thread was created on March 9, 2006

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