Young Writers Society

Removed.

Alright, Dream here with a review as requested! (thank you ;D)

Okay, so because this prologue is pretty short (prologues are usually short anyways), I'm going to slim my five columns down to two. A nit-pick section and an overall. The overall should suffice for the last four of my usual sections which include 'Plot, Setting and Description, Characterization, and Overall. So, hopefully you like it!

Nit-pick

It tousled her curls, casting shadows across her face.

That comma isn't necessary. In most cases, the comma is used to break up a line that is really long but this sentence is rather on the decently short size so the comma can be cut out!

Her eyes were glazed over with emotions - or was she even feeling anything?

Line breaks like that are usually mean't for inner thought processes or quick jots from the narrator such as;

He stared at me complacently - a little too complacently if you ask me - and I couldn't help but turn away.

Its just like a comma break. In this case, that dash could be a semi-colon. You would just have to get rid of the 'or'.

Mrs. Lionel warned him that if he didn't turn in his papers by tomorrow, he'd be in serious trouble

You already speak of 'serious trouble'. In this case, its a little repetitive.

And on the garden lay two broken children - one in body, and the other in mind.

Wow. All I can say is wow.

Okay, there are a few reoccuring mistakes that I saw but they fall under the same pretences as the ones I already highlighted!

Overall

I can't even explain what the ending just made me feel xD. That last line confused me, and made me want to read on very much. Did they jump? Are they just laying there? I don't even know! It makes me want to read more which is really good . So you definitly have an interesting start.

Some things of which I can't really put too much emphasis on seeing as its only the prologue, would be the setting and description. We are already starting to see the characterization come through and its only been a couple paragraphs so thats a really good thing. What we don't get enough of is the flesh that makes a novel whole. The description of his feet hitting the grass, of the way her eyes looked pearly and wide when she looked at him. Stuff like that. Description is key! Show and not tell!

Other than that, this is a really good start and I can't wait to review more!

~The.Dreamwalker

Wow, all I can say is, wow. For a prolouge, I think that it was good. The last line suprised me and left me wanting more.
Your way of writing was good, the sentences seemed to flow together nicely.

But everything has both good points and bad points. Like Dream said, in some places you could have used a semicolon instead of a dash, and I may be homeschooled, but my mom come down pretty hard on me if I turn a report and have a paragraph that had the same term/word in it twice. So just remember that for future referance.

All things considered, I enjoyed it even though it was short, because it was short. In some books I read the prolouge/preface is the longest part of the book. It was to the point, and the way you ended it leaves the reader wanting more. I can't wait for you to post the rest of the book!

Hi! This is very good, you are have a natural talent and your writing feels completely effortless. I love it. This is a great opening to a story - it introduces two characters that I immediately want to know about, but also instantly identify with. Lovely - really well done.

I have a couple of critiques, I hope you find them useful.

He could see the wind playing with her skirt almost carelessly. It tousled her curls and cast shadows across her smooth, porcelain-pale face.

Now, I think the use of "and" where I have highlighted it suggests that it is the wind that is casting shadows across her face. Wind obviously doesnt cast shadows, and on a quick second look I realised you meant that her hair is casting shadows. Maybe the sentence would read better as; "It tousled her curls, casting shadows across her smooth, porcelain-pale face."

"I want to fly." She came to him and told him this morning. "Fly with me, Isaac."

This is a lovely introdution of dialogue and embellishes the relationship a little. Very nice

"Let's do this together." She held out her right hand. "Come on. You know you want to."

I'd almost like to know her expression at this point, just to add to the sense of tension.

The town bell was tolling. And on the garden lay two broken children - one in body, and the other in mind.

I am assuming they jumped...? I was a little confused by this, but it is a great end sentence. Maybe there is a way that you could just clarify this for slow readers like me!

All in all, very good. I am very impressed with your writing I will be taking a look at the other chapters!

Very well done. Your writing seems very effortless and has a nice pace to it that readers appreciate. I like the way you start this; it just grips the reader, especially when you bring in the dialogue. We get a little peek at the relationship between Bea and Isaac within these first few paragraphs, which I think is very sweet. As far as I can tell, they don't have the over-dramatized normal relationship. For some reason, I picture their relationship similar to that of Rose and Jack (from Titanic, the movie). Consider this a good thing. :) I adore your last sentence. It makes me want to read more. It makes me wonder if they jumped or not. And I'll go crazy trying to find that answer that I'll read the rest of the novel. A very, very good thing. So keep up the great work and let me know when you post the next part! Sorry that I couldn't help correct anything, but I saw nothing that needed correction that the other reviewers hadn't already covered.

PM me with questions! -RayHutch :)

Hey, here are a few of my opinions.

First I thought that is seemed a little vague overall. I'm known to say this a lot on prologue reviews, but I feel that it's the truth. I couldn't find out what goal you were trying to establish with this, but it did have a few good things about it. FIrst I was glad that you revealed the names of who I assume are the two main characters. Also the description of the girl was a nice touch, since describing the characters in some form is a good idea. It's a shame that you couldn't provide a small description for the boy like you did the girl, but I can see how it was impossible with the point of view and tempo of the story.

One thing I found seriously wrong was that whole bit about homework. I found myself woundering how in the world that fit into anything. Now I've seen this sort of tool used in longer pieces or chapters, but in the case of a short prologue it just doesn't fit at all. Lastly the final sentence describing the two broken children I assume you mean the boy and girl. From the description at the beginning I assume that the girl is older, since the description seemed to fit that of someone of teenage years at the least, but the last sentence makes it seem like they are very young.

He could see the wind playing with her skirt almost carelessly. I’m not a fan of your opening line. It’s just not interesting enough. Liven it up with something original to keep us hooked from the start. It tousled her curls what colored curls? I’m curious and cast shadows across her smooth, porcelain-pale face. Her gaze met the city, not showing any awareness of his presence. Her eyes were glazed over with emotions glazed over eyes implies that she had an emotionless, dead expression; was she even feeling anything? He didn't know. What he did know was that if father caught them, they'd be in big trouble.

Bea didn't care.

"I want to fly." She came to him and told himthis morning. "Fly with me, Isaac."

"Bea?"

"I'm scared of doing it alone. But I want to fly. Don't you?"


His homework was in disarray. Mrs. Lionel warned him that if he didn't turn in his papers by tomorrow, he'd be held in suspension. But maybe it was that longing, that insanity - maybe it was stronger than he'd originally thought.

Why couldn't he get rid of it?

"Isaac, are you ready?"

"I don't know."

"Let's do this together." She held out her right hand. "Come on. You know you want to."

For a prologue, this is pretty confusing. I don’t know who any of these people are, or what they’re doing, or anything. I didn’t understand what Bea meant about wanting to fly with him. I didn’t get why Isaac’s mind jumped to school when she said that. I’m sure you have a great story here, but I’m too confused at this point. On the plus side, your grammar is good. Just spend a little more time with explanation and you’re good
Any questions, let me know
~blacksheep

Hey Noir! I'm here to plague your novel!

I say plague, but the first thing I will comment on is that this is an excellent prologue! It was instantly gripping and captivated me. I've only a few suggestions.

The sentences:
I know using short sentences is a good technique, but you maintain the short clauses and sentences all the way through this. At some points it sets the pace. Much of the time it just makes it a little hard to read. Great use of punctuation and variation, just try to keep the length varied too. If anything I would recommend doing this near the beginning, because that's when your reader is waiting to dive straight into the story and not stumble over various punctuational bricks.

Positives:
I love the sensory used in this. The coldness of the hands was something I could almost feel, and the idea of being able to taste a thought is really good.
I also like the personification of the wind, and how not only is it an entity but that it has a voice too.

Overall:
Brilliant. I will warn you that you have set yourself up at a high standard, so let's see what chapter one holds.