Young Writers Society

Last thing I'm putting up for a while, I'll focus on reviews and finish my current ones. Minor formatting spacing, but I tried to avoid my typical experimental "flourishes".

edit: made some edits and revisions, smoothed areas out.
edit2: more edits, more revisions.

written 3/15/11
reposted 4/16/11

About Nothing
 
Carpenter! sell a fix
to construct crystal meth chairs &
Baudelaire bawdy blitzes in sentences
not lines ̶
                       
̶ be the god
symbol, pleasing literati and
topple Ivory Towers with
dandelion flowers ̶
 
O' ̶ Carpenter! a critic-writer chained
in glorified, pretentious, deconstructionist exchange:
 
“things in life I do tell,
a metaphor helps spell reason
to show common unlearned readers,
whom never read and do not exist, but
all for a circle of critics, teachers and peers, I write
 
with spaces and sparse lines objectifying and neglecting,
picturing and expressing life I see, but cannot feel with
 
dead words, my specialty.
 
I have writ poetry~”
 
And critic-writer's pen ̶ a kitten's wet kiss published
snuffing visceral blood: politically correct censorship.
 
Read the lines & lines enjambing lines and
leading to lines depicting, skimming pictures
never questioned but needing questions by the camera,
only to be advised to snap and spray away
 
and each time read
seem to die more, being silenced,
writing about themselves
feeling nothing.
 
And let's call it post-modern poetry:
Fresh, light, academic sliced bread.

Hello, I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today.
Structural errors are in red.
Critics are in blue.
Here we go...

Carpenter! Sell a fix
to construct crystal meth chairs &- you shouldn't use the shortened for of the word"methamphetamine" in an "uppity" poem like this. It' doesn't fit.
Baudelaire bawdy blitzes in sentences
not lines ̶

Here, when you transition from saying "not lines"- to saying "-be the god" it doesn't come together too smoothly. Doesn't really work at all ( or make sense).
I'm not really enjoying the way this poem begins- which sets the mood for everything else.
The first and last stanzas are by the most important- so make it worth while!

̶ be the god
symbol, pleasing literati and
toppl(ing) Ivory Towers with-tense is inconsistent.
dandelion flowers ̶

Actually- I like this part. It make sense and expresses the creativity of pen and paper. Nice work.

O' ̶ Carpenter! A critic-writer chained
in glorified pretentious deconstructionist exchanges:- that is too much.

Doesn't really help your poem at all.
Due to the fact that-
A.) It ruins the "texture" of the poem. It's hard to say
and
B.) Thank God that I do, but not everyone will be able to understand those "big words" and due to that fact- they'll hate the poem.
A poem should be understandable and the reader shouldn't feel like they are too stupid or low to enjoy your piece of work. This goes for the rest of the poems as well.

History gives us examples. The most successful feats were those that included the common man. So I think you need to remember them when you right.
( but I don't mean that you need to make sentences that sound like-
" The fat dog ran,
I kicked my can.")

“Like things in my life I do tell,
a metaphor to help spell the reason,
to help my common unlearned readers,
never reading and not existing,
***all for a circle of teachers and peers I write.

Sentence seems a little unorganized.

Maybe you could say-
"All for the.."
or
For all the teachers and peers i write(to) ( for) (what?) -really?
Bottom line. I really don't think that you need to phrase it the way you did.
Don't like it.

Read the lines & lines enjambing lines and-"enjambing" is not a real word.Only true forms of the word are enjambement or enjambment.
leading to lines depicting, skimming pictures- I don't think that "skimming" is all too necessary.
never questioned but needing questions by the camera
only to be advised to snap and spray away

and each time read
seem(ing) to die more, being silenced,- inconsistency in tense(again).
writing about themselves
feeling nothing.

And let's call it post-modern poetry,
Fresh, light, academic sliced bread.

Overall:
I'm not feeling this poem.
You are an intellectually- gifted person( that's a compliment), but I don't think that this was your best work.
You tried too hard to showcase vocabulary that didn't really do anything but add clutter( and dullness) to this otherwise beautiful piece of poetry.
So the idea is wonderful- it's just the structure that bugs me...

Other than that, nice work( not your best, but nice- nonetheless).
Just tweak a few problem areas and try to maintain a consistent tense.

Keep writing!
-------------------------
-Jojo

Still trying to wrap my head around all of it.

What was the purpose of the smaller letters? It seemed random to me.

.........that's really all I can think of right now.