Young Writers Society

Raiden almost winced as his father backhanded Sabrina across the cheek. Something was wrong. Sabrina wouldn’t normally let Carson Cartell lay a hand on her. It didn’t matter that he was the governor of what was left of the U.S. region and had managed to single handedly turn the land of the free into the land of the corrupt; the woman was fearless.

“What do you mean; you can’t fully disclose what you’ve seen?”

Sabrina seemed wholly unaffected. “Governor, don’t tell me you’ve developed a learning disability in my absence.”
Raiden feigned boredom. “Father, can we get on with this, please,” he said, effectively diverting the Governor’s attention from Sabrina’s impertinent remark.

“Since you seem to be in such a hurry, Raiden, I’ll keep this short: your services are no longer needed, Sabrina.”

“No need to be spiteful,” Raiden muttered.

The Governor turned towards Raiden slowly. “I suppose you have a better idea?”

“I never insinuated that I did.” Raiden saw Sabrina tense. It was subtle. The movement was so small, so quick, that if Raiden hadn’t already been watching her, he would have missed it. He smirked. He never thought Sabrina was so naïve that she would think that he would make any attempt to rescue her.

Without any form of a farewell, Governor Carson Cartell left the room, his personal bodyguard trailing behind him.
When she was sure he was out of earshot, Sabrina spoke up, “Thanks for all the help.”

“Just curious: is sarcasm the only language you speak?” Raiden asked.

“You know what your father does to ex-employees. He literally terminates them. Do you realize how inconvenient having a bounty on your head is?” Sabrina shook her head, as if chastising herself. “Just forget I said anything. You told me to pick a side and I did,” she said, leaving the room.

For a moment, Raiden almost regretted his decision, but quickly dismissed the almost-feeling as ridiculous.

Stretching, Raiden leisurely stood up, pulling his phone from his pocket. He pressed three on his cell phone and absently watched the muted flatpanel as the phone rang. He saw the shapes and words moving across the wall, but not the colors, just a muted blue. Everything was always in that same melancholy blue. It had never bothered him that he was color blind until this exact moment, but he couldn't be sure why. Perhaps, it was the flashing images of fire. The color orange had never made sense to him.

“Hello Raiden,” the Govenor answered dryly.

Raiden didn't rush after anyone, not for any reason. Everyone was aware of it, except for Raiden himself.
“What,” Raiden demanded.

Carson didn't bother to point out that he was a few feet outside the door, he simply chuckled softly to himself and said, “Don't worry about it.”

Raiden didn't bother asking what was meant by the previous statement. Carson Cartell was notoriously cryptic and honestly, Raiden just didn't care.

“They're on the news again.”

The term “Christian” had been banned a long time ago, but they, the headstrong rebels that called themselves The Way, hadn't been deterred by this. They didn't even seem the slightest bit annoyed. With each new restriction, they became more creative.

“Any leads?”

Raiden could almost hear the excitement in Carson's voice. It was strange how he could go so quickly from ruthless dictator to a child in a candy store. Raiden shrugged.

“One.”

“Reliable?”

“Who knows anymore.”

“Only one way to find out.”

“Have you done your research this time?” Raiden quipped.

The line went dead. Apparently, that didn't deserve a response.



She had given up long ago. She had moved on; she was almost certain she had moved on. But that stupid email served only to confirm what she already knew: that she couldn't ever really let go. It raised her hopes and her pulse. She almost deleted it to try to prove something to herself. It could easily be spam. It was juvenile really. It was just an email.

She opened the email with a smirk, expecting the usual “find out the name of your true love” spiel. Instead she found a lead.

Seven years ago, her mother had been declared legally insane. Scarlette couldn't remember the exact details. She only knew her mother disappeared and was never seen again.

The email spoke of a woman who knew Scarlette's mother in college. Scarlette dropped her diet coke can on her computer. This was the closest she had ever gotten to...anything.

“Crap!”

The screen flickered and then darkened. There was a time when Scarlette wouldn't have cared if she killed her ancient Vista PC that barely performed any task more complicated than powering on and off, but things were different. Money was tight and resources were limited. It was almost ironic how a small tatoo could create so much chaos.

Scarlette didn't waste any time lamenting the loss of her computer, instead she rushed out of the apartment she shared with her brother, next door. She pounded on the door.

“Skyler! Open up!” Scarlette pushed the handle, even though she knew it was locked by the red steady-blinking light above the door. It suddenly beeped loudly. Scarlette always found it amusing that the doors were so high security and yet, if someone wanted to break into any one apartment, all they needed to do was take a sledgehammer to the wall.

“It's open, “ Skyler mumbled, barely audible through the thick steel door.

The door swung opened to reveal Skyler, cleaning a black pistol. Scarlette didn't bother saying anything about it and instead headed straight towards the computer.

“What's wrong with your computer?” Skyler asked, taking inventory of his ammunition.

“Diet coke.”

Skyler put his gun down. “An entire can?”

“Almost.”

“Unbelievable,” Skyler muttered.

Scarlette shushed him, continuing to read. Halfway through the email, she turned to him, “Who cares about coke, honestly. It's detrimental to your health.”

“Easy for you to say,” Skyler said.

Scarlette didn't respond. She stared at the computer, halted by the words on the screen. Skyler came to stand behind the aluminum chair Scarlette was sitting in, reading over her shoulder.

Skyler wasn't half as affected as Scarlette. “This woman sounds like loon, Marxx.”

Scarlette turned to glare at Skyler. She hated when he addressed her by her last name; it was a stupid habit he thought was macho. He stared her in the eye for a total of one millisecond, before quickly looking down. Scarlette walked briskly toward the door.

“Why do you always do that?”

Scarlette turned around. “Do what?”

“Walk out.”

“I have to leave sometime.”

“But you don't have to be rude.”

Scarlette studied him for a minute. “I'm not being rude. I'm just not bothering to be polite.”

Skyler was already preoccupied by his weaponry again. “Then leave.”


The firemen were already there, when she arrived. Sabrina had known they would torch her apartment, but it didn’t make seeing all her possessions in flames any less disappointing.

“Ma’am, “a firefighter began. Sabrina turned her attention from her soot-smeared window to give the man her full attention.

She earned a look of concern from her elderly neighbor, Mr. Snow. Mr. Snow quickly hobbled over. Butting into her conversation with the fireman, Mr. Snow patted her back. "Quite lucky you were there when it happened. Even more lucky that the flames came no where near my stuff," Mr. Snow said, earning an annoyed look from the firefighter. Luck. Ha.

Mr. Snow chuckled. "You still owe me dinner, Sabrina."

Sabrina raised an eyebrow. Mr. Snow didn't intend to be insensitive, he just had a mind that worked a bit too fast for his own good. She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure."

Mr. Snow jumped as electrocuted and hobbled away without a farewell.

The firefighter spoke up when Mr. Snow was out of earshot, “This is the only thing that survived. I’m sorry.”

Sabrina stared at the blackened, unsheathed sword. She looked up at the firefighter. She was tempted to look back at the sword, but didn’t. Instead, she stared right into the man’s eyes. The glint was unmistakable. He raised an eyebrow, urging her to take the sword.

Before she left for college, her father’s gift to her was a sword. It was a sword that had been a family heirloom for years. She kept that sword in a fireproof safe in the back of her closet. A tracking device in such an obvious object? But, Cartell’s goons couldn’t have possibly slipped up so thoroughly. She finally took the sword with a muttered “thank you.”

She took one last look at her apartment and the chaos that surrounded it. Angry tenants in a rush to get into their own apartments, gawking passersby, and the swirl of red fire truck lights. She wouldn’t stay there.



Alexander got home late that night. He was met by exuberant...snoring. His little sister was sprawled across the black carpet, drooling. Classic Scarlette. Alexander stood over her and whispered, “Scarlette, there's a platypus in your bed.”

Scarlette jolted awake, disoriented. She narrowed her eyes at the sight of Alexander. “You have no right to even joke about that.”

Alexander snickered. “Why ever not?”

Scarlette threw a pillow from the sofa at him, ignoring his question. “What's for dinner, Zander?”

“The usual.”

Scarlette made a face. “Tuna?”

"Shut up," Alexander said, throwing his jacket over the tattered couch. "Tuna's great."

"The first time," Scarlette mumbled.

There was a knock at the door. "What," Alexander called in lieu of "come in."

Skyler burst in. "Fire," was all he said. It was enough. Alexander dropped the spoon full of mayonnaise in his hand ran out the door, Scarlette close behind him.

"Where?" Alexander asked.

"Downstairs. I got almost everyone out on the lower level…except the cat."

Alexander winced. "Stacy's not going to like that."

"She'll have to get over it," Skyler said, knocking on doors as he ran. Someone was ringing a bell not too far off.

"Did the feds start the fire? Did they find us?"

Skyler shook his head. "No, but this will tip them off. One of the kids from Thomas' school started the fire. He won't hesitate to tell why, especially since it will get him out of trouble."

That information caused Scarlette to slow a bit. "What do you mean get him out of trouble?"

"The federal court is getting involved. Just at a state level, but when they ask him why"--Skyler stopped mid-sentence to tell a confused little girl to follow them--"he'll tell them it's because he wanted to 'smoke us out,'" Skyler said dryly.

"How did he even know where we were?"

"Thomas was being lazy that day and the kid followed him home from school."

"Remind me to talk to Thomas," Scarlette said in exasperation.

Alexander shook his head slightly. "Don't. He knows what he did."

It wasn't long before sirens could be heard. "I knew we should have picked a cave."

'That's not practical, Scarlette," Alexander said.

"And this is?" Scarlette shot back, breath uneven. Talking and running wasn't quite so easy.

The sound of plaster crumbling. They picked up their pace, not bothering with conversation anymore. It could wait for when their lives weren't being threatened.

The floors creaked with every step and the smoke was suffocating. Scarlette pulled her shirt over her face. She could see the window a few feet away. Alexander was already pushing it open and jumping onto the fire escape below. He motioned for her to hurry up.

They made it down to the ground and found themselves face to face with a concerned firefighter with deep green eyes that stood out from the soot on his face. Three more firefighters appeared next to him with the same green eyes and concerned look. Scarlette looked uncertainly back at Alexander. He shook his head and mouthed "act natural." Alexander obviously knew something she didn't. She let herself be led away, the others following suit.

The firefighters had insisted they go to the hospital. "Smoke is more dangerous than fire," the firefighter had said with a wide grin. "Wouldn't want you to die."

Skyler sat across from Scarlette in the paramedic truck, tapping his left foot incessantly.Alexander shot him a look and Skyler stopped, only to start tapping his right foot. Alexander shook his head. Skyler's restless movement was contagious and soon, Scarlette was drumming her fingers against her arm. Scarlette shot the paramedic a quick glance before looking back at Alexander.

"What are we going to do when we get to the hospital, Alexander? Our insurance won't cover this," Scarlette said.

Alexander looked confused for a moment, then seemed to catch the tue meaning behind those words. There was no way they could check in at the hospital. They would be checked for the tattoo and it wouldn't be found. The authorities would come running then and they'd never make it out alive. Alexander pulled down his jacket sleeve a little lower.

"I have insurance," Skyler spoke up.

Scarlette rolled her eyes. "We don't want your bootleg insurance, Skyler."

The paramedic gave her an odd look at that comment, as if listening to the conversation for the first time. Everyone had the same exact insurance plan.

Scarlette giggled in an attempt to cover her blunder. "He insisted that they take ER off his insurance plan. He's an idiot," Scarlette said, addressing the paramedic.

She nodded, a smile on her lips. "All men are. My husband would have done the same thing if I hadn't talked him out of it."

With any luck, the paramedic wouldn't realize the error in Scarlette's statement until much later.

Alexander's eyes lit up. "I know what we can do."

Judging by that slightly dangerous light in his eyes, Scarlette knew that their escape from the hospital would leave bruises.

Hi Scarlette! Thanks for the request. Is your username named after the Scarlette in this story? Or is it the other way around? Just curious. ^_^

Anyway. I'm not going to do any nit-picky line-by-line reviewage (which is totally a word) right now, because I figure if you're writing a novel you're probably more interested in the overall stuff, and you're not worried about whether that comma should be a semi-colon or an em-dash. ^_~ But there is one thing I'd like to point out before I get to my overall comments: the first sentence is confusing. The first thing I thought when I saw it was that Raiden was a girl, and she was being slapped. Of course, I know that's not what you intended, but can you see how I thought that? I think if you said "Sabrina" rather than "her," it might help this confusion.

Okay. All in all, I think this has a lot of potential. I have a feeling that you've got the whole world really well planned-out in your head and it seems like a cool setting. Some futuristic, possibly dystopic version of the United States? Sounds awesome! (Awesome for a story, that is.) I'm intrigued by the whole religion vs. government thing--I'm not sure I understand it quite yet, but it seems like something along those lines is going to be a theme of the novel. I'm not sure of the extent of the government's control, but they seem repressive and Scarlette and Alexander and Skyler seem rebellious. Of course, this early on it's hard to tell any of this stuff for sure, but I think that's what's going on and it seems like a great premise--resistance amid oppression can make for a really interesting read. And what's that about the "Square One" thing? Sounds cool, whatever it is. I'm intrigued.

My main problem with this piece is that I feel like you're trying to give the reader a lot of information. This is natural, since you've got lots of ideas in your head and you want to share them with your readers... but remember this: it's a novel. Which means it can be long. You don't have to give us lots of information in the first chapter--instead, why don't you spread it out a bit more and let us learn things along the way? Well, that's just a suggestion and it's completely subjective. It depends on how you want to go about writing this, and I'm not going to tell you to change your writing style. In fact, I don't really have any problem with info-dumps, as a rule--but they have to be done realistically.

Let me explain. If you want to use the first chapter to fill your reader in on some details that will be important for them to know as they read the rest of the novel, that's fine. If you want to mix that information with plot, that's fine too. But you want this story to feel like real life, right? Well, there isn't a reader in real life. So there shouldn't be a reader in your story. See, I feel like a lot of the happenings in this chapter happen for the sake of the reader. This problem is mainly with dialogue, so that's what I'll focus on. Take this, for example:

“You realize that there won't be anymore coke until December, right?”

Scarlette shushed him, continuing to read. Halfway through the email, she turned to him, “Who cares about coke, honestly. It's detrimental to your health.”

“But filtered-water is almost impossible to get this time of year,” Skyler said.

The whole point of this conversation is to tell the reader about the whole water situation, right? But both Skylar and Scarlette already know about it, so why are they telling each-other as though the other one didn't know? It's for the sake of the reader, of course. I call this the "you know, Bob" syndrome. Picture a scene, with two men in it, and one of them turns to the other one and says, "you know, Bob, I hope the police don't find us because we've got those diamonds that we just stole and stealing diamonds is punishable by death these days and neither of us are over thirty, so we're too young to die. And besides, you've got a wife and baby twins, and I've got a girlfriend and neither of our loved ones would know what happened to us." Okay, just by reading that you know a lot about both characters and their situation, right? Right. But would they actually be saying that to each-other? I doubt it. I mean, Bob already knows everything that his friend is telling him. That example was an exaggeration, of course, and you never do anything that bad in this chapter, but I think you see what I mean? Try to make sure that your dialogue stays realistic and doesn't start pandering towards your reader at the expense of its believability.

But that's not just for dialogue; it holds true for events as well. I'll use the same example of the whole spilling-coke-on-the-computer incident. It's really convenient for you to have that happen, isn't it? You can slip in a little information about the state of technology in this futuristic setting, you can being Scarlette into Skylar's apartment and describe the apartment building a little, you can segway nicely into a portrait of the relationship between Skylar and Scarlette... it's all just a little too convenient. I think that if, rather than outright telling us all the things about the world (like that paragraph about the PCs, for example) you just sort of hinted at it, that would be a lot more effective and feel less forced. The reader might not understand everything by the end of the first chapter, but who cares? If you make it interesting enough, they'll want to keep reading so they can find out.

Anyway, I have to admit that I'm a little confused by what's going on. I think it's because you put so much effort into describing the world and introducing the characters that you don't really explain what's happening. There's a fire in Scarlette's apartment building, right? Is it the same fire that Sabrina's sword is rescued from? Sabrina's fire was caused by the government, though, right? But why would the government set fire to her apartment? Fires can spread so easily in apartment buildings that that would be really dangerous. And how did Scarlette, Alexander, and Skylar end up with a paramedic? Are any of them injured? Why couldn't they just leave the building and run away if they wanted to? I guess this will all probably be explained soon enough, but I just wanted to let you know that it confused me.

All in all, I think this has got potential! I'm certainly intrigued by the premise. I can tell you've got a lot of ideas and they look like good ones. Mainly, I'd advise you to think about how much you want the reader to know and how you want them to learn it... do you want to tell us things now, or have us pick them up along the way? And whichever way you do it, make sure it's realistic.

Please feel free to PM me or write on my wall with any questions! I hope this helps. ^_^

a

Hey there, Scarletta! I must say that you have a pretty username. I just hope that I am of some help.


Okay, so I must say that I love anything to do with future thing, and most importantly corruption. I really like the story of itself, and I am personally happy that a teenager like us took up such a complex but essential topic and cared to transform it into a story. That really shows something about you, and I also like the name of the chapter. I don't know why, but it seems nice. The introduction for your piece was quite good, and honestly telling it did have me hooked up. I really wanted to know what was Sabrina's relation with the two male, and why was she being slapped.

My one problem here was that it was not your description that came across to us. Like, for example, when Scarlette enters her brother's house, you just mention him cleaning some pistol. So, my point here would be that even if you don't wanna delve too much into that thing, but surely a bit of how he is sitting, or whether he is sitting at all, or standing and all would surely interest the readers. Like, how she found him. What was the scene that greeted her? Or else it seems right now kind of plain. Other thing I'll like to say is that your character's age and personality is yet to come out. Other instance of it would be the phone. Like the cell phone scene in the beginning. I didn't really get how it was working and the thing with shapes and sizes. All that! Also, I am really curious how their houses look. From the inside and from the outside. This is more important for your story since it is set up in future, so how you want the readers to look would only cross their minds. Also, because since it's based on corruption then there's quite a possibility that it has drained all of the wealth, and as Scarlette was worried for her computer in this particular time since the money was tight, we need to know the living standard of the people. What all has happened with them, and whether the corruption in the government has taken a direct toll on their lives, or the impact is still to come.

Now my other point would be that your story seems a bit confusing in the second part-where the fire catches in Scar's building. I don't think you mentioned them getting hurt by it, so I am really confused why they would even need to go to the ER. If they were hurt, the paramedics could clearly see that, and if they are not hurt(cause I don't think you mentioned it), then why are they forcing them to go. And if there's a problem regarding their identity and it would be leaked if they go to the hospital, so can't they think of saying 'no' to these people and ask them to let them go? I think I might have done that had I been them. Also, I would like to say that I don't remember you showing us that this family got hurt, so it was pretty weird when they're being taken to the hospital. I think there's some secret in the green eyes those firefighters had, so it would be cool to know that. And yeah, another thing--it was until the paramedic woman said 'my husband' that I came to know that she was a lady. Not that it would be of any great importance to the story in itself, but I do think that it was like I wasn't there at the scene and you suddenly told me that she was a lady. So it seemed out of nowhere.

But most of all I would say that it was most difficult to picture your characters. I mean, I knew they were Americans(if not of American origin), so I thought that they don't look Asian. But other than that the main thing that confused me was their age. Scar in conversation with Skyler seemed very mature, or maybe a grown-up woman, but the way she was around Alexander, I was reminded of her being a child. Obviously, since Alex is the eldest brother he might still treat his sister as a baby, but that doesn't explain her being so grown-up(ish) with Skyler. Maybe it's just me, but anyhow I didn't get their age, and therefore I was finding it hard to keep myself in their shoes. All in all I would like to know more about their personalities, even though you did a good job. Just their habits or a bit of how they look would also be cool. Another thing-just a slight little thing-you never described or showed how your characters look. I don't want you to sit and write description of all how characters look. Just don't do it, in a single chapter. But about some characters would justify. Even Raiden's age didn't seem to come to me.

Other thing is something I am going to repeat. We don't know in which kind of houses these characters live in. Another reason to do so in this chapter would be to show a bit of the house of both the Governor and the family. This is because it would show the difference, and the extent of corruption in the country at that time. I would really like to know how the world looks in 2022 in your story. Otherwise, this story can become a bit dull. So energize it up. I'd suggest you to plan out the world. Is it in a distraught shape or it's the flying-machine kinds? Last thing for today would be that maybe you could slice down the seriousness in your character's names. Like Alexander. It sure is a pretty name, but then all the people around Alex have unusual names, and sometimes it can also send a wrong signal, or make your readers less friendly with your characters. It looks like an ancient name, not something we hope people would have in 2022. Not that I can predict anything, but everyone having long and unusual names like these can be a bit weird. You might not agree with me, but just thought to bring forward my point.

On the whole, it was an excellent read, and I liked how you were introducing the characters-the sentences you used. Another thing I liked was the simplicity and the flow in your story. But just work on that firefighter's conversation with these people.

PM me or post on my wall if you need any help, and if you need another review, surely post in my WRFF threead.

~Shrubs

It's............ Skinsy!

Yo. I'm here per request. I can see that you've already gotten two amazing reviews by two epic reviewers (damn you, people), so I can't guarantee that I'll be much use here. As you asked, I'm going to nit-pick this as well as give my overall impression. Thankfully, neither Azila or Shubhi seem to have done that, so at least I'll be useful in that sense. I don't really nit-pick anymore though, so I may be a little rusty... Sorry if I miss anything, Scarlette.

Raiden almost winced as his father backhanded Sabrina across the cheek. Something was wrong. Sabrina wouldn’t normally let Carson Cartell lay a hand on her. It didn’t matter that he was the governor of what was left of the U.S. region and had managed to single handedly turn the land of the free into the land of the corrupt; the woman was fearless.

As I'm sure you know, the beginning of a novel is vitally important. In general, I'm very keen on the idea of this beginning. I think you could have written it better though. It's about some guy backhanding a girl, so that's a thing that could really have impact on the reader. Maybe instead of simply saying that Raiden's father backhanded Sabrina, show it to us in a more descriptive way. How did he strike her exactly? Was it graceful? Just plain aggressive? Make us feel the smack, not just read about it.

He never thought Sabrina was so naïve that she would think that he would make any attempt to rescue her.

The second that isn't needed. It clogs the sentence up a bit.

When she was sure he was out of earshot, Sabrina spoke up. “Thanks for all the help.”

I think you need a period there... Think. (Sorry, grammar isn't my thing)

Stretching, Raiden leisurely stood up, then pulled his phone from his pocket.

Technically, this sentence said that Riaden stretched, stood up and pulled his phone out of his pocket all at the same time.

It had never bothered him that he was color blind until this exact moment, but he couldn't be sure why. Perhaps, it was the flashing images of fire. The color orange had never made sense to him.

This seemed a bit... I don't know... out of place? to me. I mean, why now does he decide that being colour blind bothers him? I know you said that he didn't know why, but still, it seems a bit off. Even if Raiden doesn't know, I'd like for you to maybe at least hint to us readers why it bothers him.

“What?” Raiden demanded.

Carson didn't bother to point out that he was a few feet outside the door. He simply chuckled softly to himself and said, “don't worry about it.”

There was a time when Scarlette wouldn't have cared if she killed her ancient Vista PC that barely performed any task more complicated than powering on and off, but things were different right now.

Scarlette didn't waste any time lamenting the loss of her computer. Instead she rushed out of the apartment she shared with her brother, (then went?) next door.

The door swung opened to reveal Skyler, cleaning a black pistol.

Halfway through the email, she turned to him. “Who cares about coke, honestly. It's detrimental to your health.”

I've noticed you slipping up a bit on your dialogue punctuation now and then, but overall, it's not too bad.

Skyler came to stand behind the aluminum chair Scarlette was sitting in, then began reading over her shoulder.

Skyler wasn't half as affected as Scarlette. “This woman sounds like a loon, Marxx.”

She hated it when he addressed her by her last name; it was a stupid habit he thought was macho. He stared her in the eye for a total of one millisecond, before quickly looking down. Scarlette walked briskly toward the door.

Hang on, wasn't she sitting at the computer. She stood up and started walking quickly. xD

The firemen were already there, when she arrived.

“Ma’am," “a firefighter began.

Mr. Snow didn't intend to be insensitive--he just had a mind that worked a bit too fast for his own good.

Mr. Snow jumped as (though?) electrocuted and hobbled away without a farewell.

The firefighter spoke up when Mr. Snow was out of earshot. “This is the only thing that survived. I’m sorry.”

She finally took the sword with a muttered a “thank you.”

There was a knock at the door. "What?" Alexander called in lieu of "come in."

When you're just saying what, it always has a question mark after it.

Skyler burst in. "Fire," was all he said. It was enough. Alexander dropped the spoon full of mayonnaise in his hand , and ran out the door with Scarlette close behind him.

They made it down to the ground and found themselves face to face with a concerned firefighter with deep green eyes that stood out from the soot on his face.

This sentence didn't flow very well. I'd suggest adding in some commas, and maybe periods to make it smoother.

Skyler sat across from Scarlette in the paramedic truck, tapping his left foot incessantly.--Space here--Alexander shot him a look and Skyler stopped, only to start tapping his right foot.

Alexander looked confused for a moment, then seemed to catch the true meaning behind those words.

Overall

In all honesty, everything seems to have been pretty much covered by the two gals above me. I have to say that I agree with most of what they've said - the good and the less positive. Like they both said, I'm also a little confused. As a whole though, I'm intrigued. I'm certainly interested in the setting of this and the general idea of it. I especially like the whole mystery of the tattoo thing, and it's managed to make me want to know more about it. Although you were a bit vague with your characters, I like them quite a bit. I think the way you added in some lines of humour added an extra effect too, especially to your characters.

The main issue I'm having with this kind of connects to the whole confusion thing, I think. Now mystery is good, but you need to be careful in some places that you don't turn that mystery into plain old confusion. I get the idea that this is some corrupt government kind of thing which is cool, but you seem to be trying to give us a lot of information, and the only real problem is that you're doing it in a way that is a little confusing... Hmmm... that makes no sense. Basically, some details in this are confusing (the way Christians were spoken of, the characters themselves, the way people seemed to have to live), but any hint at explaining those things are hinted in ways that are confusing. God, I'm not making any sense at all. Azila and Shubhi have explained it much better than me, so you may want to ignore this...

Kind of going along the same track, the other issue I had here was the fact that I agree with Azila on the whole spewing information to us readers. I think you've edited it since her review, but I am still getting an info-dumpy feeling here and there. It's not a huge issue; that's why I think you've edited it, but it could do with some extra tweaking. One of the things I noticed you doing was giving us quite a bit of information on the government itself. Like I said before, I do get the impression that this is a government based novel, but you need to be careful not to overload us with information on it. Give it to us subtly throughout time. It's a novel, so there's plenty of time for you to do so.

I think that's all I have to say... I do normally review better than this, honestly... Everything just seems to have been covered already by Azila and Shubhi. With a bit of editing, this could be epic, I think. This definitely has a bucket load of potential.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey Lette! Okay, so... um... this will probably be a really short, really pointless review. Azila and Shrubs seem to have gotten everything in the concept down, and Rhino [Skins] seems to have pointed out everything grammar-wise.

So. Time to write you a really quite pointless, probably somewhat repetitive review!

First off, I pretty much agree with the above reviews on a couple of points: It was a little confusing to read, and some of it was hard to wrap my head around. I really want to know where Sabrina fits in with all of this-- but that will probably be explained in later chapters. To be honest though, the whole bit about Sabrina did seem a little... out of place to me.

Also, I agree with the fact that in some areas (though most of this seems to have been edited and smoothed over already), this was a bit info dumpy in a strange, hard-to-understand sort of way. This isn't really that noticeable anymore, but there are some areas that seemed a little... off to me.

Also, when Scarlette, Skylar and Alexander are running from the fire, there was a bit there that seemed to lack the real emotion. It seemed like they were just sitting around and talking to me for some reason. You should probably elaborate on their fear and urgency just a little bit more there.

On the bright side, I really do like your characters. They all seem to have fairly distinct personalities so far, which is always a good thing. The sense of humor they have also adds something to them, and I quite enjoyed it. It could still use a bit of tweaking, but it has definitely hooked me!

I would LOVE it if you threw the next chapters into my WRFF thread. (I have the link in the spoiler in my signature if you need it.)

Thanks for the read!

~~Cass

Hey Scarlette! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review!

This was all so hard for me to wrap my head around. There is obviously a lot going on, a ton of backstory and back-conflict, but it isn't being communicated to the reader very well. What I have managed to gather is that this is a future, slightly dystopic world where there is major conflict between government and religion. But what is left out is the why's, the how's, and the what now's. Let's break it down:

The Why's
Why is the world like this? Why has religion (or, at least, Christianity) been beaten down, so that the Christians have to go into hiding? What caused it? What was the motivation behind the government in doing this?

Most of this is more important for you to know in full detail than for the reader to know in full detail. More or less, the reader only needs to know "The government has beaten down the Christians because ___." Well, a little more eloquently than that but you catch my drift. But for it to be more realistic, you ought to know the more extensive train of events that has led to this. And with that, you'll find that information coming into use later. It might lead to motives, conversations, events. All the information won't be brought up directly in the story, but a good bit might be and it all affects what is happening now.

The How's
How did the government go about beating down the Christians? How has the government gone about completely changing the world? What new legislation did they put into effect? How did they manage a full takeover without huge revolt getting in the way?

A lot of this goes along the same lines as things in the why's. It's the all important backstory that will shape the events going down in the story as it proceeds now.

The What Now's
What is the world like now? How does it function on a daily basis? What are the rules, and the consequences for breaking the rules? How do the Christians function right now in this world that is obviously against them? Is this constrained to one part of the world? Or is it a worldwide sort of thing?

This is the all-important setting for how the story is going down now. This needs to be explained the most to the reader, or else they will have no clue whatsoever as to what is going on. It gives a background for the current events of the story to happen in.

Here are some examples I've taken from the story, where some of this stuff is especially of use.

Here, we bring the reader right into the story with absolutely no explination as to what is going on. Who are all these people? What is their importance in the story/who are they in relation to the other characters? Why is Carson so entitled to treat people this way without them fighting back? Why is Sabrina entitled to speak to her superior that way?


This completely confused whatever perception I had managed to gain of these people. Now it seems like Raiden is his father's superior, which makes little sense. Shouldn't the Governor have power over his own son? Shouldn't he be in command of anything that is going on, and not having to be led around by his son?

They would be checked for the tattoo and it wouldn't be found.

Also, all this business about a tattoo. More explination would be great. I have no idea what it means, what it's used for, anything about it. It sounds important though, and that it's something the reader should know about.

All in all, this is a really interesting concept but it's being held back by so much lack of information. Just clean it up, throw in the why's, how's, and what now's and you'll be on your way to a really good story. Good luck and keep writing!

And thanks again for entering my contest!

-Lauren-