Topic ID: 750
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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Country: Far, far from reality where tears don't form.
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 Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:07 pm Post subject: [Unread message.] |
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God only knows I need you,
Tears bracing my cheeks,
Questions forming inside me,
Lies cradling my heart.
Please turn on your phone,
Read my texts of denial,
I didn't say good bye,
Why did you go?
The lights switched off,
Staring at the computer screen,
Waiting for your name to pop up,
Waiting for you again.
The drone of music comforting my mind,
All the hopes inside of me,
Dying with such elegance,
My life lying around me.
How did it come to this?
How did I become so reliant on you?
Please just turn on your phone,
My heart has become an unread message.
Please, please don't go...
--------------------------------------------
Sorry just in need of writing - feelings of the day. |
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'Sadistic lies we form like the web of a spider, the truth we hide like our flaws.'
Last edited by Wulie on Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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392 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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Aah. I must say I thoroughly enjoyed this. Although, I'm not feeling myself today, so that could be another factor. I liked the way you epitomized your relationship in a text message, which was effective, for me, because I text message all the time in that sense. I liked the way you related you to the phone and the phone to him. Only comment is that you should drop the "?" at the last line:
"Please, please don't go?"
And replace it with either an elipsis or a period, depending on what kind of an effect you want. I'd like the period over the elipsis, but you may think the elipsis suits it best. It's your choice. |
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"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Sam
axis of evil, BRB
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| Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2005 10:59 pm Post subject: RE |
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I have to agree with him (darn you you take the words out of my mouth!) It's sort of vague and mysterious, which, for this poem, is a good thing.  I really do enjoy your poetry, Wulie. |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 04 Dec 2004
Posts: 287
Reviews: 137
Country: Far, far from reality where tears don't form.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 10:50 am Post subject: |
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Hey - thanks guys, same you're always nice about my work  . And brad well thank you hehe. I'm not to sure I like this poem I like the theme, because it's how I felt at the time however it seems to be good ! keep comments coming if there are any. |
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'Sadistic lies we form like the web of a spider, the truth we hide like our flaws.' |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
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| Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2005 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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This is a very nice poem.
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Questions forming inside me,
Lies cradling my heart. |
Loved that last line.
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Please turn on your phone,
Read my texts of denial, |
I think this poem was good because it's so easy to connect with...I can feel exactly the same way.
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The lights switched off,
Staring at the computer screen,
Waiting for your name to pop up, |
I do that, so I really liked this bit.
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| My heart has become an unread message. |
Perfect.
I'm a sucker for questions in poems too, so that's another reason why I liked this.
Really lovely, thanks for sharing. |
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and if you promise to stay conscious
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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| God only knows I need you, |
This began very beautifully.
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Please turn on your phone,
Read my texts of denial, |
I liked this part too, but I had to read it twice to really understand it.
First of all, I personally don't refer to them as texts, perhaps you should say text messages? I don't know, just my suggestion.
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I didn't say good bye,
Why did you go? |
This part was slightly awkward, maybe you should change it to:
I didn't say goodbye;
But you left me anyway.
Sometimes, questions at the end of stanzas can give the poem a strange approach. |
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Skye
haute couture
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2005 9:43 pm Post subject: |
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This was really good! The theme was cool, and a lot of the lines were really beautiful!
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The lights switched off,
Staring at the computer screen,
Waiting for your name to pop up,
Waiting for you again. |
For some reason, this stanza seems forced to me. The idea is good, but maybe it needs to be replaced with something that means the same thing, but is worded differently. I'll keep thinking about it, and if I think of an example, I'll try it out you.
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The drone of music comforting my mind,
All the hopes inside of me,
Dying with such elegance,
My life lying around me. |
Simply gorgeous! I love it, it's my fave stanza!
Keep writing, I really like your style. Plus the [] around your titles are really original; I always know who wrote it. Very very cool. |
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"A poet in love is best encouraged in both capacities or neither." ~ Jane Austen, Emma. |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 04 Dec 2004
Posts: 287
Reviews: 137
Country: Far, far from reality where tears don't form.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2005 11:29 am Post subject: |
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Thank you ! I really do enjoy reading you comments!
Wu |
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'Sadistic lies we form like the web of a spider, the truth we hide like our flaws.' |
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