Young Writers Society

her body was a piece of art:
bones carved sculptures in her skin
and her ribs jutted with claws like angels’ wings.
She felt so light that she sometimes thought
Perhaps I’ll fly today,
when she looked in the mirror and admired
the triumph etched in each
spare line in her severe physique
with a smile drawn across her tight face,
more a wince than anything else.

during her more inspired times,
she would really consider it,
would become determined to become a bird
and spread her arms with their knobby elbows
which were too big for the tiny girl she was,
and suspend them in the heavy air, until the effort
of flying became too much-

and her eyes were like a bird’s.
they were bright and moved almost constantly,
so much that they grew tired of the mirror’s glare
and grew gaunt, where the tired skin
under her judging, hating eyes
pulled and fell and darkened
in unspoken and overwhelming sadness
that was yet unknown and unacknowledged
by the heart that held them.

but her body truly was a piece of art-
it was a tribute to pain and perfection
and a hardwon trophy,
a reminder of hungry nights
when her barely-there stomach roared
in dissatisfaction and neglect,
a reminder
of the sour taste of bile
and teeth that had started to go black-
it was a tribute to
the pursuit of happiness
and a body slowly giving way
to hollow, knobby
bird bones.

I know this needs work, but I kind of like it, and am definitely willing to do a whole lot on it. Any thoughts?

Thanks!

-Coral-

It's beautifull. And the ending you intend to add works well for me.

I love your poetry.

I love the style of this, and your imagery, and the subject, and the twist on the subject. The first stanza is gorgeous: I think "cruelly" might be a bit too much, especially since you've got 'claws like wings' in there (which I love). But then again, adverbs can be tricky to use. You might want to un-capitalize the "Perhaps" or get rid of the quotations. For me it disrupted the flow, but I love the flying idea, especially when you add the heavy air later on. The second stanza is probably my favorite. It's so full of beautiful images, and you've really got a feel for the best place to break your lines. The small pause between knobby and elbows is excellent. It really adds something to the piece, especially when you read it out loud. The third stanza is great; I think you could say "and her eyes were like a bird's, bright and moving almost constantly; so much..." and on and on. "they were" is a very prose-like phrase, and I think in this lyrical style of poetry it almost comes off heavy-handed. (Same with oneself...I love the idea but you could find a better word, or even phrase.)

I love your last stanza: it's almost as if, even as she considers her sadness and how tired and light she is, she remembers that her body is a work of art--oh yeah! So that's really quite good, and I agree with you that maybe it needs something else at the end, but I don't think "and it could go horribly wrong" is it; because we all know how horrible eating disorders are, and the beauty of this is her blindness to it, that all she can see is the beauty of her jutting ribs. I think you might want to change "the pursuit of happiness" to "her pursuit of happiness"--but I think you could also take out those last two lines and add the breathtaking final thought I know you're going to have. :)

I do agree about the title, though. :) Maybe just....bones. Or something involving artwork, or flight. (Brilliant, how you talk about flight and then the bird eyes...! The broken bird...I just like to submerge myself in your imagery.) But I love this poem. It's just as lush as all your other work.

Thank you for sharing!

Dear Persephoneia,

That poem was absolutely wonderful. You have SO much potential! You used wonderful vocab which I am always a big fan of. Really, I just can't find the right words to describe how well written this poem is. I mean, you completely captured the whole scene, but you still left it open for people to have their own ideas on it. I could imagine the persons thoughts in the second stanza. I could just feel the power and meaning behind this whole poem. Though you may believe it does, I think you need not work on it at all. You did a wonderful job. You have impressed me VERY much. Keep up the good work!

Hello there, Seph. Here to review as requested.

First things first: I agree with you that the title needs changing. When I first read it, I was ready to flail in happiness for I thought it had to do with the pieces of period artwork carved primarily by sailors on long sea voyages. But as I read on and saw there was no mention of the sea or carvings or anything actually related to scrimshaw, I felt more than a bit disappointed and misled as scrimshaw doesn't describe the bone itself, but the carvings on it.

Since you use a bird metaphor throughout the poem, a more bird-related title might be a good choice.

As far as the poem itself goes, you've got a good concept and basic approach to it, but the execution struck me as quite heavy-handed in its bluntness. As it stands, I found the subject rather obvious, practically thrown into my face. I think in trying to make the subject obvious, you erred too far on the side of straightforward and sacrificed the implicating.

I would suggest focusing a bit more on the beauty she sees and describe it a bit more neutrally. Mute the horror just enough that it isn't obvious at first glance, but leave just enough to give a sense of wrongness to the description. You have some elements of this scattered about, but most of the poem was smothered by the heavy-handedness of emotionally loaded words like "cruelly" and "delusional". If you could create an air of vague horror and build it up throughout this poem, it will be far more effective and impactful than the bare bluntness you currently have.

So, the good news is you have a good base. The not so good news is that you'll have to do a lot of reworking to shape that base into something with more of an emotional punch.

You use some nice language here, but the content didn't do a ton for me. I ended up feeling like this was a collection of sketches built around an idea, but you didn't actually get to the idea.

Your description is gorgeous, but it's overbalanced in relation to emotion and meaning. So much space is devoted to describing her body that I didn't feel any emotional connection to this girl. With a topic like this, emotion should be the dominant force in the poem. Like Kyllorac said, the poem should slowly build horror in the reader as it progresses. At the end, rather than being horrified, I was thinking "that was a really interesting way to describe an eating disorder".

I'm not a fan of the current ending because it almost gives the whole thing a positive spin, as if she is doing what she needs to to be happy. This left me confused and wondering what exactly you were trying to say with the poem. I'm not a fan of your proposed alternate ending either though, as I feel it's too heavy-handed and obvious. I agree with ending with some contrast between what she thinks she's doing and what she's actually doing, but try to make it a bit more subtle.

You have a good start, and this is definitely worthy of revision. You have a nice framework of images here, just try to build some emotion underneath them. I know you love your imagery (probably because you're obscenely good at it), but to make this great you need to go deeper than pictures.

Hey, Coral!

As you know, poetry isn't really my thing and I don't know much at all about it. Although my review may not be the best when it comes to technicality, I should be able to give you at least one critique based on my opinion. If you have any quesitons or anything after this review, be sure to ask me because I'd be happy enough to answer them.

I have to say that I did really love this. You are able to create some beautiful imagery, so seriously well done for that. The poem, like the other poems of yours I've read, has a wonderful flow. One thing I often find in poetry is that some htings can feel forced, but all of the words and sentences in this flowed naturally to me. I'm also fond of the concept overall.

I do have to agree with what some of the others said though about the whole emotion thing. To be honest, although your descriptions are lovely, I think you may be relying on them a bit too much. Right now, I'm not really feeling emotionally connected to the poem, or the girl. This is about anorexia or something, right? If so, then the emotions really do need to be strong. Eating disorders are often things that start off with feelings, especially feelings towards the person themself. Because of that, you need to make us readers understand the emotions of the situation, not just describe (wonderfully) how things are.

Other than that, I think this really is great. With a little bit of revision, this could be seriously epic, I think. You've gotten yourself some very good reviews, so with their help, this will end up reaching its full potential. To be honest, I don't have anything else to say... I'm sorry I've been seriously useless here. It'd just that you already have some great reviews and I don't have anything to add, not really. Plus, I know nothing about poetry... Gah... I'm useless.

*Likes*

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey, Coral!

I'm here to review. As always, I shall begin by telling you how unfitting I am when it comes to reviewing poetry. Also it seems as if you already have plenty of nice review so I'm not sure exactly how much I'll help. Even so, I'll try to dish out the last juices of this piece - however it won't be so great.

Firstly, I do think your descriptions were quite lovely. I like the way you write them, it's different and you know how to do it well. The use of adverbs and all are wonderful. Also, your flow is pretty nice too. I loved it and it read quite smoothly. It's not like I know much about it but from all I read this is pretty good. When I first started reading this poem I actually thought it was about the 'Bones' tv show. lol Now I was totally wrong about that.

So, this is about eating disorders and the triumphant win that the person feels after they achieve what they want, yes? I find it quite interesting the way you've told this and all. I actually really, really like it. Thus ends my little blabbering. So the real review isn't much. I basically believe what everyone else says that you should work on. Also, I think it was a bit blunt and maybe you could be a bit subtle about it. I felt like the feelings should have been more explained. You went into imagery and detail about her a lot but I felt like the emotion concerning her appearance and the thoughts were missing. Perhaps make that stand out a little more? Wow, I feel like I have no idea what I'm talking about...

Anyway, I did enjoy reading this. I'm sorry if I wasn't much of a help. Let me know if you need anything else. ^^

-Pink

Wow. I instantly knew what the topic was. I really liked the poem.

I think you used the words well, especially some of the alliteration and a few rhymes were almost perfect. (Skin and wings, grew gaunt, to name a few.)

But yes, like everyone says, change the title!
If you can find something that shows both the sadness and the feeling of victory one feels, or even the close to but never quite reaching perfection, well that would be almost perfect (pun intended).

Write more!

Why hello again.

Just creeping back through your poetry, and I landed upon this again and began to ponder your title dilemma.

What about "Bird Bones"?

Just a thought.

I still love this poem! :)

Thanks so much for the input guys- I tried reworking it a bit, and am going to work on a bit more I think, and try to create some more emotion. It's something that I really struggle with, but that's just more of a reason to get it right, so I can do it in the future.

Thanks!

This was really beautiful, especially the first stanza, which is my favorite. The only suggestion I'd make is to say that at the first mention of "knobby elbows," where "elbows" is its own separate line, I'd put it up with the line previous rather than being alone; having it separate distorts the flow a little bit.

~Blue

i really liked this. it sounded like she was a god to me. you have a real talent. i have no interest in poetry but this really caught my attention

Well, this was going to be a review reciprocating the great one you bestowed upon me, but after reading this poem, I realized I was sorta beaten to the punch. *makes broad gesture to great reviews above.* Seeing as that plan is kaput, I'll just ramble a bit!
What I really liked about this poem was the approach to the subject. While others say the emotion falls a little flat in the face of your elegant descriptions, I still find this to be an interesting piece. Okay, granted I'm no poetry expert (see poem "Something About Love"), but something about this being mostly description with only delicate hints at the girl's feelings made this sort of haunting. I've never had an eating disorder, though I do know from a secondhand point of view it is emotional, but I feel that this poem shows the very surface dilemma in such a disorder--that destroying one's body in such a way is purely for the sake of physical beauty. It's as if the girl here is choosing to see only that facet of her condition, not the numerous other psychological things that attribute it, and that single point is terrifying. Of course, that's only my interpretation. ^^'
I have to say, I'm envious of the way you can describe and make words flow in poetry. Truly, the concept baffles me. O.o
Anyways, this is beautiful, just try toying with some of the emotional aspects--or lack of them even--in order to get the desired message across if you ever revisit this. :]
Much loves,
Bunny

P.s. I personally hold no animosity toward the title....though that might just be because I like the word "hollow." It's a pretty word, don't you think?^^'