Young Writers Society

Hi everyone, I'm Lindsey. I found this piece a while back and thought I'd continue with the plot line its supposed to be on. I know it's messy and probably has a lot of telling and not showing but that's what you guys are here for, right? I definitely need some advice with the torture scene so feel free to give me advice! Other than that, be as harsh as you like.

Crack. It sounded from behind him, yet struck his back with a piercing snap. The wince that was soon to follow brought a smile to the lips of its instigator. “Again, Josh, and this time, harder,” said a voice from afar, the owner just lurking in the murky shadows of the oversized dome, its ancient walls covered in gruesome paintings that helped to bring the place to its present reputation. The crowd, in seats above, watched as the violent scene unfolded before them, ignoring the stained floors of blood, its sleuthing toxin worming its way around. Crack. The pain rippled throughout his body, a rush of blood pouring from his mouth, adjoining with the already spilled blood on the ground. All of this for one little secret. His eyes clamped shut as if it could alleviate the pain that stood behind him. Crack. This time, it was uninstructed, but the outcome was unbearable. He fell to the ground with a splat, not able to decipher whether or not the blood on the ground was his own or someone else’s. Tears were falling from his eyes now, the chains enclosing him in a tight embrace that scarred his skin. The room was cold, but the hot trickles of blood dripping down his back made for suitable warmth. If only he could do anything to stop this, to be rid of this predicament he was so deeply rooted to. He almost regretted doing this for a moment, but the thought was quickly consumed by a more powerful memory that encouraged him to hang in there.

“Josh, darling, that is enough for now.” The room went quiet; the whip could be heard thudding lightly on the ground just behind the innocent prisoner. The steps from the woman of afar reverberated against the walls of the dome, every movement disturbing the path of the torrential blood. His eyes lacked the strength to look forward, but they were sharp enough to catch the glimpse of his opponent reflecting in the blood. The striking green eyes twinkling from the hidden shadows and the pale complexion, tinged with a red color, gave her an appearance as if there were no blood circulating inside of her. The woman continued moving forward, her black, sleek hair flowing from behind, pieces of fallen hair gathering and soaking up the blood; a devastating beauty that was definitely not to be admired. “Hello, my dear,” she said, kneeling before him, her face smiling a few feet away from his body. He shivered in fear, his eyes, as well as his body, paralyzed it utter fright. “Now, there’s no need to be frightened.” The words seemed forced. Once more, the prisoner coughed blood up, recoiling in pain as his body unwillingly moved. “Unless, of course, you fail to give me what I want.”

“What… do you… want?” the prisoner coughed up, trying to lift his eyes.

This, apparently, made the woman smile even more. “You and I both know the answer to that.” He raised his eyes, only to lower them once more. If I could just tell them; If you could just betray yourself to those you love… What would they think of me? A coward? A foo--- The pain! The stinging grew stronger on his back where the leather had cut to the bone. He screamed and cried and yelped, and did everything he could to make his sorrows heard, yet was only to be mocked at when they reached the ears of its listeners. He cringed in agony, wondering how on earth he ended up with these foul creatures. To think they were once humans!

“Josh!” The woman gave a piercing shout that brought the chuckles and murmurs to silence. “Wait until I give the command,” she said a little impatiently. “Tell me where they are.”

As if the pain was enough to make him give in, it did not. Instead, he mustered whatever courage he had left to mutter a few words through his blood-stained teeth, the rusty smell filling his senses. “Go to hell.” It was not seen by the prisoner, but he could feel it. He could feel her retort with a thrust to his starved stomach. The breath left the poor prisoner, failing to come back in. His consciousness was fading in and out and his eyes were unable to focus anymore. Blurry images of the feet of both the woman and her servant lay in front of him.

“One last chance, my dear,” she said as he felt cold, yet strong hands grasp either side of his head. No response; only the hurried and short breaths of the prisoner who knew what was about to come. “Very well. Josh, you may proceed.” The woman’s footsteps began walking in the other direction as the hands of the man gripped tighter. “Yes, your highness.” The prisoner shut his eyes firmly with all his effort, trying to focus on the one person whom he was doing all of this for.

The scream echoed throughout the dome until the snapping crunch from his neck ceased.

This was very good writing and makes the reader want to read more, all that a prologue should be. Well done!
Although I was confused to who the main character was but that doesn't really have to be developed until the first chapter as some prologues aren't even in the main character POV But I was just confused from that, but that might be me being blunt.
-A extremely short and bad review by SweetMoments

Hey! I liked this. Even if I'm not into the torture-esque stuff.

Even while the content was good, I have a problem: The paragraphs. They were humongously huge, and painful on the eyes. Maybe you could have edited them into shorter ones?

LindseyBrooke wrote:Crack. The pain rippled throughout his body, a rush of blood pouring from his mouth, adjoining with the already spilled blood on the ground.

'Adjoining' doesn't feel like it should be used there. What about 'spilling into the pool of blood'? Or something else. Think about it.

LindseyBrooke wrote:The striking green eyes twinkling from the hidden shadows and the pale complexion, tinged with a red color, gave her an appearance as if there were no blood circulating inside of her.

'No blood circulating inside of her'? I don't think there should've been an 'of'.

LindseyBrooke wrote:Blurry images of the feet of both the woman and her servant lay in front of him.

From my knowledge of blurry images (I used to be a bully target in elementary school), they don't really lay in front of you. They move and shake and shiver all over. 'Hover' would have been a more appropriate word.

Okay, I'm done nitpicking. This was all I could find. Otherwise, I loved it. Do continue writing!
- Alexandra

P.S. Member-wise, I'm one year and 363 days younger than you. (Math nerd? Yes. )

Hey I enjoyed your work. I could really imagine the scene in my mind. Poor prisoner. Anyway, to my opinion, maybe you could made it more gruesome. Well, Happy Holidays!

Thank you all so much for reviewing! (:
Yeah, the paragraphs are a bit long aren't they? Haha, I'll fix it up soon enough.
And I want to try and make it more gruesome but I'm confused as to what I should do. Ehh, torture scenes are hard. Haha, anyone care to help me with this?

Finally starting to get some reviews on this.

Hey Lindsey! Another one of my age! Yay!

My first critique would be of the presentation. I know it won't be published exactly as it looks here, but when you post here don't forget to go for the 'Story' format, because it makes a lot more easier for us to read and comment, since the block of text would be spaced out. If you don't know how to do it, just PM me and I'll answer that one for you. And also, your paragraphs need to be spaced out. Now how to do it: One paragraph should have things or events remotely or in a significant related to each other. When you need to start something new, some other thought, or even need to gv the reader a break from what they're reading, jump to next paragraph. Just use this-) this

About the beginning. I liked the use of the word of crack. It's simple and yet it describes the pain the person must have felt. Okay, so now, the second time you use this word, just make it after a gap of one line and then start over with it. That would be better. It would give a better impact on the readers. On the other hand, I liked the beginning, but for me too much of description in the beginning could pull of your reader. So just make sure that you don't overdo with anything. I know it was essential to show us or tell us the pain he was feeling, but just don't overdo with it. Just have a balance.

As for your story-I really liked it. You held us right from the start. I was hoping to know what was to come and what he was really doing this for, but you didn't tell this which made the story even more better. Since you held us right there, I feel this was good and the best thing I liked was that you didn't give away your plot, or the reason why he was doing this. As a prologue, it was a nice thing. But my one problem was th over-description you had physically. No doubt you need it, but I just felt that at one point it was getting too much. You even needed to describe his pain emotionally. He was doing all this for someone-a bit of mention of the person, or more of how was the prisoner thinking about that person would definitely make the readers more glued on to this. Now read it from the POV of a reader. Would you then like continuous description of the pain? I don't want you to chop anything you've written, but make their timings a bit more distant. Like in between add some other emotional stuff. Also, when you describe the lady, you tell the color of the skin which is another weirdness, since I assume the setting was dark and all. You could leave that part out.

Right now, to be honest, I was too much engrossed in the descriptions, which were good at some points, that I couldn't look beyond. Just maintain a balance, that's all. I really liked the story behind this, and once you've settled the minor problems, you'd be great. I think I wasn't much of a help, so I am pretty sorry, but that's because it was short. One more thing, just make the woman seem more gruesome and you could also give in more of your descriptions. After you edit this up and if you add more stuff, just keep this in mind that not every reader reads the prologue so don't give away here something important that you don't plan on saying or writing in the next chapters. Just be careful with that.

~Shrubs

Right! Nitpicks and specific comments in the spoiler box. I enjoyed this. For all my comments, I did get a fairly good idea of what was going on, and it definitely kept me reading. If this was a prologue in a published book, I would definitely be continuing. I also love the character of the woman.

But. There were also quite a few things I didn't like. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. POV—Decide what you're going to do and stick with it

You spent very little time describing where he is, and when it was there, it seemed a little forced. I think this is because you were wavering in and out of his POV the entire time. When you were in his POV, it didn't make sense to describe it, because he's so worn down, he's not seeing anything.

So, let's assume you're going to stay in his POV. Some things don't work

For example, the paintings on the walls. I don't think they're necessary, and they don't make sense. After all, who fills a torture chamber with artwork? I think either a dark, small room, or large, sterile one would be scarier. This is just me, of course, so do what you like. Anyway, the descriptions of her voice echoing and the sounds of the crowd are good, because I can imagine him noticing it. But when we hear descriptions of things he can't possibly notice, either because he's too weak or in the wrong position, we just get confused. XD Besides, if we are in his head, he should be getting confused, disoriented, delirious with the pain, if he's about to die. Descriptions he does come up with should be confused.

The other option would be to stay in a half omniscient POV, in which you can describe him and the surroundings, without head jumping or going from the POV of the woman. The advantages of this would be that you could describe whatever you want (this didn't really work in the current version, since again, you were trying to head hop) without worrying about what he can see. The disadvantage would be that we couldn't hear his thoughts. However, I still think that you should probably go for this.

First, you'd describe how he is lying, what's happening, blah blah. The dialogue should explain a lot of this on its own. Then, use descriptions of his body language to show us what he's feeling (when he considers giving up, then decides not to, she could see it, etc.) I think this would also make your descriptions of his pain less cliché and more believable—it's much easier to describe pain's symptoms in someone else than yourself.

Of course, you can do what you want, but either way, pick one or the other.

2. Realism of the torture scene
You mentioned needing help with this, so here are my two cents. Understatement is key. (I think I said this already) Often times, the tendency is to be overly dramatic in the effort to be original or shocking (ie “the torrent of blood ran down my back like the tears of demons” Bad example, but I think you get the point). Instead, this tends to have the effect of the scene losing credibility, or we just get bored and start skimming. So. Instead of assigning emotions and large words to description, go for stark, startling observations that shock us. (ie. The blood ran down his back and pooled at his feet in a crimson puddle. She smiled.) Stagger your sentence lengths, and try to limit your use of adverbs ad adjectives.

You also mention blood way too much. This is fine (I actually like the emphasis—you're really making sure we won't forget it) but you need new ways of mentioning it, again without the drama. Does the woman find the blood distasteful, or does she ignore it like she's very very used to walking around in it?. Also his pain. We can assume he's in pain without you telling us. Instead of adding words like “agony” etc., make his pain seem to be getting worse by describing his body language. That was another thing, actually—at the beginning, he already seems like he's dying. Try mentioning the last o his energy failing him, or at least show some difference from the beginning and end, where he is fially killed.

Also, is in realistic that he's dying from being whipped? In my experience, whipping is usually used as a punishment instead of torture—at the end, people tend to be in shock/unconscious, before they're in enough pain to want to talk. I'm also still confused about whether she stabbed or just kicked him; that could use some elaboration, I think.

Lastly, be more specific about where the blows are landing. Just a few whip lashes hurt. A lot. Especially if they're cutting him to the bone, like you said. So. Each. Individual. Lash. Should be mentioned. ;D

3. That mysterious executioner.

Heh.... I don't like him. He isn't described at all, except a hazy “and her servant”. This is.... ok, especially considering that the guy can't see him, but it also had the effect of making it seem like the blows were coming from nowhere. At least mention his response, whether a grunt or simply the whistling of the whip as the prisoner anticipates the next blow. (Incidentally, is he tied to something/standing/kneeling, or what? All we got was a roundabout, poetic mention of the chains hugging him. )


Ok, now that this review is at least as long as your story. I hope this is at least a little bit helpful, anyway—sorry for rambling so much, and good luck with revision! Like I said, this was an engrossing read, and leaves me wanting more. That lady is just so... cold. I love it.

So let me know anytime you want another review!

Lupis

I seriously love you guys. Thank you so much for reviewing!
Haha, I thought I put too much description in it, but I wanted to make sure that the torture was described well, if that makes any sense? I'll definitely work on that to make sure it's perfect.
Thank you so much!
<3

Hey Lindsey!

I'm here to review this as requested. I'm not going to do a nit-picky review, if that's okay with you. If you have any questions or comments after this review, be sure to let me know; I'll be happy to answer them for you. Can I just say that I saw the word torture in your intro, and I immediately knew I'd like this. Ah... torture. :')

I have to say that I wasn't disappointed with this... especially the violence. God, I sound like a freak. Come on though, violence is fun. It is for me anyway. The funny thing is that if I saw this with my own eyes in real life, I would have passed out at the whipping part, knowing me. Sorry, this is completely unrelated... *Shuts up about personnal stuff*

Okay, it looks like youv'e already gotten some great reviews. I don't really want to repeat what they've already said, so I will try and find something different. If I can't, I'll mention the points that I think need repeating. Overall, I did enjoy this quite a lot for reasons you may see above (violence). As well as that though, I think you created an interesting situation that made me want to read on and find out what will happen next. Like canislupis said as well, I was fond of the woman's character. She was amusing to read about. I also quite like the prisoner guy as well; I felt sorry for him.

To be honest, the only thing I can come up with that doesn't really appear to have bene mentioned has something to do with descriptions. Now, you have some lovely descriptions of the dude being tortured and that. What you don't have a lot of are emotional descriptions. It's all well and good ot hear about how a whip cracking causes a load of blood to run to the ground or whatever, but we also need to know the emotional side of this, not just the physical. You do have some emotional stuff in here. The mention of the people he loves, for example. I'd like to see more of it though. You could have him start thinking that maybe he should just reveal where the person/people they're looking for is/are, for example. Get into his head a bit more, not just into his body and the pain that's facing. Am I making sense? xD

Other than that, there's nothing else that hasn't been mentioned, I don't think. I would like to bring up your paragraphing though. The first two paragraphs, especially the first one, are rather chunky. The rest are okay, I think. Paragraphing can be quite hard ot understand, but Shrubbery gave you a good link to help you out with that. Just remember that when you begin to describe or discuss something different, you must start a new paragraph. The dialogue structure here and there is a little iffy as well... This is what I'd edit the piece to:



Obviously, that's how I would do it. Every writer has a different style, so you don't have to do it exacty like that. I put the cracks on their own lines because I thought it enhanced the pain of he whipping on his back, giving it a bit more of an effect. That, for example, is more of a personnal thing. I think you should definitely cut the first few paragraphs into more than two though. In the end, it's your call, but yeah, that's my opinion on the whole thing.

Keep writing, and sorry for any typos or badly spelt words in this review... I have no spell checker right now. D: Oh, and can I just say that I love how this is in the Romantic Novels section.

xoxo Skins

Hey, Brooke! Here to review as requested!

Wow, it seems that I'm late and everyone has basically gone through the major nitpicks and things. This leaves me with little space to squeeze through, I mean wow - look at 'em reviews. xD So, I'll try to squeeze the remaining juices out of your fruit and give you some overall thoughts on your story and how it was perceived in my mind.

I have a few tips for you. Firstly, try to break up your paragraphs so it's easier to read and isn't intimidating to reviewers with the large blocks of text. Second, you might want to start new lines every time a new character speaks to aid with any confusion that might arise considering that you have different characters speaking in one paragraph. Basically, Skins (Freak) has already given you the advice for that and I suggest you take it because it seriously makes the piece look a heck of a lot cleaner.

Now, your characters were pretty strong and amazing. I like this woman, she's very cold and strict. She seems to have a lot of power on her hands and with that said, she can do some pretty decent things and I don't mean that in a good way. However, I disliked the usage of 'your highness' at the end because I wasn't sure exactly 'who' she was and it through me off. As for your protagonist, your writing seems to hoover over him and it doesn't give him that main character strength. Try focusing more on his thoughts and what he feels, he's being tortured for goodness sakes. In a time like this, I'd like to hear what kind of final thoughts he has because I'm presuming he has died in the end of this.

Writing wise, it was pretty good. Your description was wonderful and fun to read and picture but there were times which your wording was a bit too...well, wordy and it was hard to create and image in my head. Some cases you explained too much of something and it blocked the imagery with cluttered words as I tried to take in everything and paint it onto a picture. Too many colors and shapes and kill a portrait you know? Anyway, your writing was in fact, very good. Actually, I do have a question pertaining one part.

The crowd, in seats above, watched as the violent scene unfolded before them, ignoring the stained floors of blood, its sleuthing toxin worming its way around. Crack.

The room went quiet; the whip could be heard thudding lightly on the ground just behind the innocent prisoner. The steps from the woman of afar reverberated against the walls of the dome,

What is this place? Your setting is a very important part of your writing and you should be sure of have a solid place set up so your readers don't get confused as to what is happening and where. So, my main question with this is where are they? At first it seems like they're in some sort of arena or something in which there are spectators watching him as he's being whipped. Then you say 'room' which makes me think they're inside of a prison cell or something and I'm lost. >.<

Overall, I think you did pretty well. The torture was quite nicely played and I did wince a little with some of your descriptions and all which was a good thing - I think. Anyway, if this was a prologue to a story, I think I'd find it very interesting to read and would definietly buy the book to see what happens next. So that's all I have to say really. I'm sorry if this review wasn't nearly as helpful as the others but surely you'll find my two cents worth of advice somehow helpful in any way. Keep writing!

-Pink

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I really appreciate this.
I just have one question for Pink or anyone else who wants to help me with this:

As for your protagonist, your writing seems to hoover over him and it doesn't give him that main character strength. Try focusing more on his thoughts and what he feels, he's being tortured for goodness sakes. In a time like this, I'd like to hear what kind of final thoughts he has because I'm presuming he has died in the end of this.

There seems to be confusion here and I want to clarify. The POV of this prologue is mainly focused on the prisoner, however, he is not the main character. Should I still give him these main character attributes? I have no idea so please help me out. Also, the prologue is actually not a flash-forward to the end. The prisoner died at the present time and then the first chapter falls from this. Obviously there was some misunderstanding with this so is there anything I can do to clear this up?

Ahh, so many questions. (: Haha but thanks everyone once again!

Ah, the main character is not the prisoner? Well, that's odd. Well, is your main character the woman then? If so, in my opinion, I would suggest you make it in her point of view. You could still get that deep, cutting edge tortured feeling you had in the prisoners POV with your main POV. I don't know if anyone would agree with me but that's what I would do since switching points of views could be tricky and confusing.

As for the present thing, I thought it was like that but I wasn't sure. I guess there were a few parts where I found myself confused but it might have been my fast read through your writing and my lack of brain power. See, I get like that when I do afternoon reviews. I'm more functional in the morning...or a night. Sorry if this wasn't very helpful, I just thought I'd let you know my thoughts on this. ^^ Let me know if you need anything else.

^.^)b
-Pink

See, I didn't know if it would be odd or not.. I was trying to show just the POV of a character whose been tortured and abused by the woman. The woman is one of the main characters, but I didn't know how I would describe the pain the prisoner would be feeling. Hmm, maybe I should write it from her POV, post it, and let you guys decide which one is better. Haha, I don't know.

And I know what you mean completely. Night time is the only time I can function properly. (:
Thanks!

Hi again!

I don't think it's a problem, and I wouldn't shift to the woman's POV--I like how.... removed, and cold, she seems. I think getting inside her head might ruin it. Instead of switching back and forth, show his, and just describe her body language.

That is to say, get entirely inside his head, so that we care more about him. Then, bang! He dies, and we're left wanting to know who he died for. This is just my opinion, of course, but there you go.

LindseyBrooke wrote:Hi everyone, I'm Lindsey. I found this piece a while back and thought I'd continue with the plot line its supposed to be on. I know it's messy and probably has a lot of telling and not showing but that's what you guys are here for, right? I definitely need some advice with the torture scene so feel free to give me advice! Other than that, be as harsh as you like.

Crack. It sounded from behind him, yet struck his back with a piercing snap. The wince that was soon to follow brought a smile to the lips of its instigator. “Again, Josh, and this time, harder,” said a voice from afar, the owner just lurking in the murky shadows of the oversized dome, its ancient walls covered in gruesome paintings that helped to bring the place to its present reputation. The crowd, in seats above, watched as the violent scene unfolded before them, ignoring the stained floors of blood, its sleuthing toxin worming its way around. Crack. The pain rippled throughout his body, a rush of blood pouring from his mouth, adjoining with the already spilled blood on the ground. All of this for one little secret. His eyes clamped shut as if it could alleviate the pain that stood behind him. Crack. This time, it was uninstructed, but the outcome was unbearable. He fell to the ground with a splat, not able to decipher whether or not the blood on the ground was his own or someone else’s. Tears were falling from his eyes now, the chains enclosing him in a tight embrace that scarred his skin. The room was cold, but the hot trickles of blood dripping down his back made for suitable warmth. If only he could do anything to stop this, to be rid of this predicament he was so deeply rooted to. He almost regretted doing this for a moment, but the thought was quickly consumed by a more powerful memory that encouraged him to hang in there.

“Josh, darling, that is enough for now.” The room went quiet; the whip could be heard thudding lightly on the ground just behind the innocent prisoner. The steps from the woman of afar reverberated against the walls of the dome, every movement disturbing the path of the torrential blood. His eyes lacked the strength to look forward, but they were sharp enough to catch the glimpse of his opponent reflecting in the blood. The striking green eyes twinkling from the hidden shadows and the pale complexion, tinged with a red color, gave her an appearance as if there were no blood circulating inside of her. The woman continued moving forward, her black, sleek hair flowing from behind, pieces of fallen hair gathering and soaking up the blood; a devastating beauty that was definitely not to be admired. “Hello, my dear,” she said, kneeling before him, her face smiling a few feet away from his body. He shivered in fear, his eyes, as well as his body, paralyzed it utter fright. “Now, there’s no need to be frightened.” The words seemed forced. Once more, the prisoner coughed blood up, recoiling in pain as his body unwillingly moved. “Unless, of course, you fail to give me what I want.”

“What… do you… want?” the prisoner coughed up, trying to lift his eyes.

This, apparently, made the woman smile even more. “You and I both know the answer to that.” He raised his eyes, only to lower them once more. If I could just tell them; If you could just betray yourself to those you love… What would they think of me? A coward? A foo--- The pain! The stinging grew stronger on his back where the leather had cut to the bone. He screamed and cried and yelped, and did everything he could to make his sorrows heard, yet was only to be mocked at when they reached the ears of its listeners. He cringed in agony, wondering how on earth he ended up with these foul creatures. To think they were once humans!

“Josh!” The woman gave a piercing shout that brought the chuckles and murmurs to silence. “Wait until I give the command,” she said a little impatiently. “Tell me where they are.”

As if the pain was enough to make him give in, it did not. Instead, he mustered whatever courage he had left to mutter a few words through his blood-stained teeth, the rusty smell filling his senses. “Go to hell.” It was not seen by the prisoner, but he could feel it. He could feel her retort with a thrust to his starved stomach. The breath left the poor prisoner, failing to come back in. His consciousness was fading in and out and his eyes were unable to focus anymore. Blurry images of the feet of both the woman and her servant lay in front of him.

“One last chance, my dear,” she said as he felt cold, yet strong hands grasp either side of his head. No response; only the hurried and short breaths of the prisoner who knew what was about to come. “Very well. Josh, you may proceed.” The woman’s footsteps began walking in the other direction as the hands of the man gripped tighter. “Yes, your highness.” The prisoner shut his eyes firmly with all his effort, trying to focus on the one person whom he was doing all of this for.

The scream echoed throughout the dome until the snapping crunch from his neck ceased.

I liked it very interesting.