Young Writers Society

Hi guys, thanks for reading! This is the first part of the first chapter of a story that I am trying to create. It is about a set of five Gods, creating a suitable dwelling for man. It explains the creation of the elements (earth, water, ice and plans till now) and will explain the rest in the second halve.
Now I like the first part of this, but I see that I am getting sloppy at the end, (with the plants being created) so could you guys check it out and maybe give me tips on how to fix it up bit?

I hope that you'll like it and have a good read

The creation
In this time, there was nothing. A vast, black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up, nor any other direction for even these did yet not exist. It just fell for all eternity, into the perpetual blackness.
This black emptiness, however, was a great formless entity, a being that was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itself.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, both lifeless and alive and let it exist in your thoughts. We call this entity Cosmos.
Cosmos had, in this same way created a large variety of things. His first creations were simple rocks, varying in size from a grain of sand to vast boulders larger than the world we live on. After this Cosmos felt need for something new, something animate, thus he experimented with sentient creations, beings that could move, feel and speak at their own free will.
First he created living rocks, nearly extinct creatures that we call Golems or Giants.
“Golems!?” Exclaimed Varnan, “If you are not going to take this seriously then we can just aswell go to sleep.” He looked at the old man across the fire.
“I am taking this seriously,” replied the man, “and if you interrupt me again you will have to find your own way to Tanur.” He looked at Veran and his two companions, who were all sitting around the fire. “Now, do you wish me to continue?”
The three men nodded, overtaken by the old man’s wit and sharp tongue.
“So as I was saying.” The old man continued; //need to either remove this or expand it
Cosmos had brought life into existence, gigantic golems which he placed on the previously created rocks. Unfortunately, these creatures had not much freedom on their rocks, merely wandering from edge to edge, empty and without meaning in their lives.
However Cosmos had soon noticed this problem and set out to correct it. He had given the golems the gift of hunger, enabling them to feed and thus to forage. Soon after the golems thrived, now having meaning in their lives. They formed small groups and spent their time collecting and mining rocks to eat.

Cosmos was fascinated by how these creatures interacted, functioned and evolved into a more communal society. Cosmos had watched over and tended these creatures for an immeasurable amount of time, for even time itsself was not yet born.
Nonetheless he at some point decided that these creatures where matured and perfected, thus nolonger required his aid. It was then that he created a new form of life, a more delicate creature, something not made out of cold, hard rock. He formed and molded them for many of our lifetimes until he got something that suited him. These beings lacked the sheer size and strength of Cosmos’ firstborn children, but they had been blessed with a strong mind and capable hands. Cosmos had created us.

Cosmos was proud of these creatures and wanted to give them a suitable place to dwell, one unlike the harsh worlds of his firstborn. A realm which is in harmony and can provide whatever to needs that his children might have. Thus Cosmos decided to not create this realm himself, but rather to create a number of beings that would cooperate to shape this world, all adding their own visions and adapting them to each other.
It was here that he created our five supreme Gods; all shaped differently, each with their own personality, strengths and emotions. This way, Cosmos was sure that these Gods would, when in unity, be able to overcome any problem.
They were created in his own appearance, thus shapeless, but all entirely different by character.
The first to be created was Balor; given the gift of wisdom and possessed the greatest strength. He was fearless and confident.
Next came his brother, Blot, equally wise but lacking his brothers strength, this being something something that he would later compensate with cunning and trickery.
Wymar, the middle brother, had great compassion and love, which gave him the greatest understanding of life.
Gwawl was granted the mastery of all physical skills. Adroit and light fingered, this God could handle any tool.
And finally there was Anu, the lone sister, who was most skilled in the creation of life.

It was but moments after they had been created when Cosmos had put upon them the task of creating a world for man. Still disoriented and unaware of the extension of their powers, they were sent out to complete this task.

The young gods, not wanting to disappoint their father, at once set out to work on this task.
“Our father did not show us how this world must be.” Said Balor to the others, “Thus we must shape this world ourselves. But what shape shall it have?” He glanced at his brethren. All of the Gods had their own visions, Balor envisioned a world existing of bound rocks, connected to each other by bridges and ropes.

“And how long till one would fall off?” Commented Anu. “The world you describe is a perilous one.” Added Wyrmar, agreeing with his sister. “I myself have quite a different vision, one great and safe. It is a world made out of this.” He held out a small blue ball of shining liquid. “I call this water,” He continued, “and it is an element much safer than the earth and rocks we see around us. For one can live inside it without ever falling.”
“Cosmos’ children have to be free and not imprisoned in this liquid!” Replied Balor with anger in his voice, “Do you wish to disappoint our father?!”
“The world we make needs to be alive, like the beings that inhabit it.” Interfered Anu, “Did you no see that the firstborn lived on a world made from the same material as their bodies?” //Rephrase?
Gwawl tried to still the discussion by proposing a compromise, “Do not fight, my siblings, all of your visions are true. Let us work to combine these worlds of which you speak.”
But he spoke in vain, for Balor, Anu and Wyrmar had only ears for themselves and for an seemingly endless time, they quarreled.

The only one who was silent was Blot, gazing into Cosmos’ infinity, displeased with the foolish behavior of his brethren. He believed that a calm mind was a productive mind and thus searched for an answer himself.
It was at that point when he noticed something far away, it seemed like a small dark speck on the black background of the endless space. He gazed at it for some time, attempting to ignore the distracting quarreling behind him when suddenly he realized what it was.
“Fight no more, my brethren!” He then exclaimed, “For I have found the answer to what is our task.” He paused, waiting to get all of their attention, “Follow me, and I shall show you.” Having this said, Blot made his way to the distant object, with the other gods close behind, forgetting their quarrels, wondering what great solution he had come up with.

Once they reached the object, they gasped at its size. It was a huge, flat rock, with a size far beyond anything you can imagine. This was one of Cosmos’ old creations.
“This, my brethren, shall be the world of man. “Exclaimed Blot. ”For this plane can hold all of our visions and let them coexist in peace.”
“I hear you my brother!” Said Balor, “This shall be the house of man!”
“Yes,” added Anu, “this will do perfectly.”
After agreeing that this was to be the new world of man, the gods descended to the plane and started to shape and form it according to their will.
//a new interruption with the guys around the fire?

Balor did not like the uniformity of the land, which was too smooth, flat and monotone. Therefore he raised it, thus creating the mountains and hills but also the valleys, coves, cliffs, glens and gorges. Wymar, after adjusting his envisioned element, introduced water to our world. This was a highly mobile element which spread all across the plane soon flowed into every crack, crater, cavity, dimple, gap and gash that was created by Balors raising of the lands, thus creating the seas, rivers, lakes and ponds, the very ones that we can still see around us.

This new element however, had a great weakness. For unlike earth, being free in its movements, much of it quickly flowed off the plane falling into the bottomless abyss beneath.

Unable to stop this from happening, Wyrmar pleaded for the help of his brethren; “We must save my creation!” he exclaimed.
“That, we shall,” replied Gwawl, “Balor, my brother, help me raise a wall around this plane to hold the water in.” //need to expand it
Balor agreed and the two gods raised the lands around the edge of the plane, thus creating a steep wall all around the plane. A wall as high as five men high and two arms thick, created from one solid chunk of Balors toughest earth, stone.
After completing their task, the gods set to return to their tasks of shaping the world. But unfortunately, the wall did not hold, and it was Blot who first saw the cracks forming.
“Come, my brothers,” he screamed in panic, “the wall is crumbling!”

Balor and Gwawl could not believe this to be so until they saw it themselves. At many points the wall had cracked, broken, shifted and collapsed.
“I see now that this is because the water bites the earth,” explained Wymar, “As long as it is moving, It has the power to erode even the strongest wall!”
“What treachery is this?!” Demanded//Can I say this? Balor, “How dare you destroy my creation, the very one on which Cosmos’ children shall dwell?”
“Forgive me my brothers, for I did not intend my creation to have this ability.” Wyrmar replied. “Then why not take it away?” Said Blot, “It would solve our problem.”
“And make it no different from the earth beneath our feet,” added Wyrmar, “I wish to keep is in its current state.”
“Indeed this may be a fortune hidden by mischief,” interrupted Anu, “as the Wyrmars creation can move your element around, my brother, keeping it fresh and alive.”
“You speak with great insight, my sister.” Replied Balor, “But if no wall can hold it, then it is doomed to fall.”
So continued the debate between the Gods. They tried many times to save Wyrmars water, creating stronger walls of various types stone and earth eventually even from the water itself, taking away its mobility, creating a strong substance, one which we gave the name ice. None of these methods however, seemed to keep this untamable element at bay. It was just when Wyrmar was ready to give up his creation that his sister got a great insight.
“We cannot save your creation, my brother,” she said, “but we can replace it.”
“But I cannot eternally create this element” Interrupted Wymar, “It is my task to aid with the creation of the world and not be a mere replenisher.”

“Listen to me, my brothers” Anu continued, “I know a way by which we can replace the water without constantly creating it ourselves.” She paused to gain their attention. ”With your help, I can make a guardian for your creation, one that shall have the power to replace all that which is lost to Cosmos.”
After the other gods agreed, Anu started forming and shaping this guardian. This formless entity, made to resemble their father and master, was put high in the sky. Far above the plane, so that it could reach places otherwise unreachable for ground bound life.
“Now, brother, you must grant it wisdom,” she said to Balor. “For it must know when and where to replenish the lost water.”
“It shall be done,” Balor said, while blessing the creature with the great gift of wisdom.
“It also must have the ability to create water at will,” said Anu, “Can you grant it that, my brother?” She asked Wymar.
“I can, and I shall.” Replied Wymar, “It shall give birth to my element whenever this has been lost, replenishing it and maintaining a balance on the plain.”
“We must turn one into many,” said Gwawl, “For one guardian cannot be at all places at once.” He then used his might to tear the guardian into little pieces. “These pieces shall grow and spread,” he said, “and protect Wyrmars creation.”

The gods looked upon their creation and where content with its design.
The creatures, like Gwawl predicted, soon grew and spread across the skies, refilling that which was lost.
But the Gods made one great flaw, for since these beings were the first life on the plane and were set with such an important task, these creatures grew in self-admiration, becoming proud and short tempered. If one dared to defy them, they were able to drown them in floods or curse them with draught. Our word for these great beings is cloud.

After this was solved, the Gods turned to another problem concerning the water, the very same that brought down the walls; erosion. For as it flowed throughout the world, it cut deep into the earth, scarring the lands.
“This must be stopped!” Balor bellowed, “My work shall not be undone.”
“Stay calm, my brother.” Said Anu, “This problem can be solved the same by way as the last. I shall create a creature that shall guard the earth. A creature that shall protect it from harm”
Balor liked this idea and devoted his full attention to the design of this new being.
“It must have long hands that hold on to the earth,” he said, while thinking outloud.
“It must also stay near the water at all times.” Added Wymar, “For only on the border between water and land can harm be done.”
“I have envisioned the solution,” said Anu and she started to form and mold the matter that would become this creature, gift to create the life that would guard this element.
She created the Flora, strong plants of various sizes with roots that would run deep into the ground. These roots would hold the earth and prevent anything from disturbing it.
But unlike the clouds, no wisdom was passed down to them, for Balor found that these guardians had to put their task before themselves. Caring for the soil in which they grew, without but a thought of leaving. Never having the urge to leave.
But even without this wisdom, these plants posed a great problem, as they now mindlessly grew and grew until they were far too long. Then they then lost their grip or snapped in two, failing to protect the soil underneath them.
Wymar however, fixed this problem by teaching them how to drink his water and how to grow strong from it. With this becoming their primary instinct, they all cluttered wherever there was water, drinking as much as their bodies could hold. The plants learned to grow only when given water for it was what gave them strength.

Soon these plants scattered across the lands, populating most of the plane. And so its color changed from brown to green. The plants, despite their lack of wisdom felt great love and compassion for their creators, and wished to thank them for their creation.
From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank the Gods for and took part in a long debate.
On a given day they agreed on what to do and thus grew flowers and fruits, all in different shapes, sizes and hues.
“Thank you my children,” said Anu, who was deeply touched by this gift that colored the lands in ways that she could never have imagined. So deeply that she loved them as a mother loves her child.

A vast, black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up, nor any other direction for even these did yet not exist.

You should change this part because it doesn't sound right. You should say these did not yet exist would sound better.

So as I was saying.” The old man continued

I think that’s fine the way it is. I like it there it seems to fit, because otherwise you just jump right back into the tail and that would confuse readers.

A realm which is in harmony and can provide whatever to needs that his children might have.

I think you should add a comma after whatever because otherwise it doesn't sound right.

“Did you no see that the firstborn lived on a world made from the same material as their bodies?” //Rephrase?

You meant not, right? Not no?

After agreeing that this was to be the new world of man, the gods descended to the plane and started to shape and form it according to their will.

//a new interruption with the guys around the fire?

I think you should interrupt with them, have them wonder why the gods picked that plane, because that's what I'm wondering.

That, we shall,” replied Gwawl, “Balor, my brother, help me raise a wall around this plane to hold the water in.” //need to expand it

I guess you should expand on that, because I'm not sure what the wall is supposed to be. Is it the atmosphere or gravity or just a wall?

A wall as high as five men high and two arms thick, created from one solid chunk of Balors toughest earth, stone.

You don't need the second high.

“What treachery is this?!” Demanded//Can I say this? Balor

You can say that, I pretty sure you can at least. I think its fine.

“Forgive me my brothers, for I did not intend my creation to have this ability.” Wyrmar replied. “Then why not take it away?” Said Blot, “It would solve our problem.”

That should be a new paragraph.

From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank the Gods for and took part in a long debate.

You don't need the word for there.
The wall thing was cleared up later on, but I still think it should be reworded a bit the first time that wall was mentioned. With the plants you said they didn't give them knowledge, so how did they know to grow fruit and to thank the gods by giving it?
I don't know, those were the things I found.
Over all I really liked it and would love to hear more. I want to know who those men around the fire were and what part they have to play in the whole thing, and why they're together, and where they're going. And all of that. Please pm me when you have written more.

Hi there!

I the idea of this, and it's one of the most original myths I've seen about the creation of the earth. However, I do think there are a few ways you could improve it.

Firstly, dialogue punctuation. You need to start a new line every time a new character starts speaking, which you did in most places, but not at one point:

“And how long till one would fall off?” Commented Anu. “The world you describe is a perilous one.” Added Wyrmar, agreeing with his sister.

You also need to use lowercase for speaking words like "commented Anu", "added Wyrmar", "said Sheila" etc. There's a really good article here which explains it well, so I recommend giving it a read.

As for the plot stuff you mentioned, I agree that that it finishes quite suddenly after the creation of the plants, although that might not necessarily be a bad thing, if it flows straight into the next chapter. If you want to make this part seem a bit more finished, maybe you could add a bit at the end with the Gods looking at everything they've made so far, or something like that?

“Golems!?” Exclaimed Varnan, “If you are not going to take this seriously then we can just aswell go to sleep.” He looked at the old man across the fire.

Who is Varnan? He's never been properly introduced, so I as a reader can't imagine this character. The whole scenes with the men around the fire are confusing for this reason. We don't know who any of them are, what kind of being they are, whether they're connected to Cosmos or seperate. I think if you put a bit in describing these three men this part of the story would make much more sense.

“So as I was saying.” The old man continued; //need to either remove this or expand it

Yeah, I agree with you there. XD If you want to continue their conversation and have something in mind for the man to be saying then continue it, but if it wouldn't add anything to the narrative then I would probably suggest taking this bit out.

“Did you no (not?) see that the firstborn lived on a world made from the same material as their bodies?” //Rephrase?

This bit seems okay to me; it's easy to tell what she's talking about. It's a little confusing referring to the golems as "the first born" because it sounds like there's only one as opposed to a whole race, and you never say that the firstborn and the golem are the same thing, but otherwise I think this is fine.

After agreeing that this was to be the new world of man, the gods descended to the plane and started to shape and form it according to their will.
//a new interruption with the guys around the fire?

Again, would that actually add anything to the story? It seems fine as it is, but then I don't really get who the men around the fire actually are. If they're supposed to be some kind of higher being watching over then a bit with them commenting on what's happening might be good, but... I don't know. Really, it depends on what role you want them to play.

“What treachery is this?!” Demanded//Can I say this? Balor,

Yep, you definitely can. It needs a lowercase 'D', and I personally think that exclamation marks and question marks together is a bit of a punctation overload and it's better to go with either one or the other, but aside from those small things this is fine.

So, overall, I did find this confusing in places, but I think you could clear that up if you described the men around the fireplace more, and made it clear what they're doing exactly. PM me if you have any questions, and let me know if you post the next part!

Hey there Boss,

I'm so sorry for the delay; I somehow lost track of things in the past few days.

I won't go into details with the nitpicking, because you've already gotten great reviews.

I will comment on the chapter in itself.

I really like the idea of creation you have here. I've done so myself in one of my books. It needs some improvement, though. Honestly, I found it boring.

Besides Anu, I didn't find that your characters had distinctive personalities. They sort of blended into one another. Give them distinctive personalities so that we recognise them without searching for who did what, you know?

This just felt like a very elaborate info dump. Was it necessary that we learn all of this from the get-go? It was simply confusing to read that he created them, then they created more thems, then thems added to the creation, while I'm still going, "Wait, what? Who did what? What are they talking about? How much time passed?"

And that's the point. There's so much going on that it's hard to follow, tedious also. You gave us so many names and things to follow, our thoughts are following yours as well as they should be.

So, again, I ask; is this necessary? Can you leak it into the story slowly, later on? Can you do this differently? If it's necessary, just give us what's essential to the story and cut the rest.

I hope this helps, because I think it's an awesome idea and your story deserves to be read and followed. It just needs a few touch ups.

Thanks for the request, it's been a pleasure!

Tanya

Heya.

I reviewed the old version of this, I think, didn't I? It'll be interesting to see how this one compares to the older version, even though the older version was part of a novel. I think it was anyway.

To be honest, I don't think I have much new to add to what your other reviewers have said. Something that seemed to stand out for me was the fact that I agree that some of your characters didn't really stand out like they could have. They're all different Gods, right? I'm sure they all have different, quirky, personalities too. That's what you need to show. A few of them aren't too bad, but you can definitely expand some of your characters personalities. I agree with borntobe that Anu, for example, has a distinctive personality. You need to give the rest of them specific personalities too.

The only other critique I have for you is kind of two things, I guess. At times, this was a little hard to follow, partly because I think you have have been giving us too much information to follow and remember. A little info dumpish, if you get what I mean. Like borntobe said, was all of the information necessary? I'm sure there's some stuff in here that you can mention later on, in the second part, or however many parts you're planning to include.

The main problem with this really is that, at the moment, because of this info dump feel, this piece gets a weeny bit boring after a while. Please bear in mind though that this is just my opinion, so I'm not right or wrong in saying that some parts are boring, but I do think that you could do some things to make sure you keep your readers interest.

If you take into account us reviewers critiques, I do think that this could be a lot less dull. You may not think that it would help, or you may not want to, but I think that deleting some parts of this would be a good idea. Read over the piece and try to take note of what parts aren't one hundred percent necessary. Don't get me wrong, the overall content of this is good. You have a nice writing style and some of your descriptions are good, but with a bit of editing, it could be even better.

I apologise for not being an awful amount of help!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Alright boss, Tiger here to review. Comments shall be in bold, longer, detailed comments will be outside the quote box.

theboss wrote:The creation

In this time, there was nothing.

This first sentence makes no sense. Because it's in present tense, that means that someone who exists at the time is saying it. But you then said there was nothing at this time. So how can someone at that time be telling us there was nothing at that time when there was, well, nothing at that time? They can't exist to tell us that there was nothing at that time.

A vast, black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up, nor any other direction for even these did yet not exist.

A few points about this sentence: 1) It's just left hanging. You write: A vast black abyss...where everything fell...and then what? What did the abyss do? What was it's purpose? It looks to me that this sentence was once joined with the first using but, yet it seems for some reason you decided to separate them. 2) Falling is the process of dropping under the influence of gravity. So it doesn't matter whether or not you said it did not fall in any direction because directions did not exist, because by simply using the word fall you've stated that two things did exist: a downward direction, and gravity as well. 3) In the previous sentence you mention there is nothing that exists. But then you say there is an abyss. An abyss, while in some part strengthening your statement that there is nothing (maybe it's bottomless) is in itself something. It has sides and an opening, it has mass and occupies space. So it is something, and contradicts that first sentence.

It just fell for all eternity, into the perpetual blackness.

Contradictory. Although I've disputed the accuracy of it, you mentioned above that the abyss fell in no direction. By using the word into, you imply it falls into something. And blackness counts as something too.

This black emptiness, however, was a great formless entity, a being that was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itself.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, both lifeless and alive and let it exist in your thoughts. We call this entity Cosmos.

1) So the abyss was falling into an entity? And the entity was falling into itself? And again, doesn't it's presence contradict the earlier statement that there was nothing? 2)In the second line, it sounds as if the narrator is speaking to another character, instead of being an omnipresent force. Once again, this calls into question the very first line. You basically say that the narrator was present in the beginning of time. Which is impossible seeing as there was nothing back then. But in the second line of the quote, it seems as if the narrator is talking to someone. How old are they if so, if they existed from the beginning of time?

Cosmos had, in this same way created a large variety of things.

In what same way?

His first creations were simple rocks, varying in size from a grain of sand to vast boulders larger than the world we live on.

Get rid of this part. It raises too many questions like: if his creations were vast boulders, bigger than their (the narrator and listener's) world, how big is their world, exactly? Is it the size of a small boulder? If it is a boulder they live on (as you've implied) then exactly how big or small are they? Are they even human? Oh, and as an entity, he shouldn't have a gender. He should be genderless.

After this Cosmos felt need for something new, something animate, thus he experimented with sentient creations, beings that could move, feel and speak at their own free will.

Why? What exactly made him start creating things? Why did he feel the need to create rocks or sentient beings in the midst of nothingness.

First he created living rocks, nearly extinct creatures that we call Golems or Giants.

“Golems!?” exclaimed Varnan. “If you are not going to take this seriously then we can just aswell go to sleep.” He looked at the old man across the fire.

Seeing as this is a story, you should put inverted commas at the beginning of the story and at the end of the sentence the narrator was cut off.

“I am taking this seriously,” replied the man, “and if you interrupt me again you will have to find your own way to Tanur.” He looked at Veran and his two companions, who were all sitting around the fire. “Now, do you wish me to continue?”

The three men nodded, overtaken overcome or defeatedby the old man’s wit and sharp tongue.

“So as I was saying.” The old man continued:

"Cosmos had brought life into existence, gigantic golems which he placed on the previously created rocks. Unfortunately, these creatures had not much freedom on their rocks, merely wandering from edge to edge, empty and without meaning in their lives.

However Cosmos had soon noticed this problem and set out to correct it. He had given the golems the gift of hunger, enabling them to feed and thus to forage. Soon after the golems thrived, now having meaning in their lives. They formed small groups and spent their time collecting and mining rocks to eat. Eating the rock they lived on? Or the other small ones he'd created? And surely, this food would eventually run out?

Cosmos was fascinated by how these creatures interacted, functioned and evolved into a more communal society. Cosmos had watched over and tended these creatures for an immeasurable amount of time, for even time itsself itself was not yet born.

Obviously time has come into existence by now. The golems would not get hungry without time passing. They would not move from point A to point B without time passing. Also, why would they become communal? There's no reason for them to do so. All they exist to do is to eat. This isn't difficult, because their food doesn't move, they're not competing with other creatures to eat, and their food doesn't rot or spoil. They have no minds or purpose other than to eat. There is no reason or factor that would bring them together.

Nonetheless he at some point decided that these creatures where were matured and perfected, thus no(space this out)longer required his aid. It was then that he created a new form of life, a more delicate creature, something not made out of cold, hard rock. He formed and molded them You used the singular creature in the other sentence, so this should be it for many of our lifetimes a long time until he got something a result that suited him. These beings lacked the sheer size and strength of Cosmos’ firstborn children, but they had been blessed with a strong mind and capable hands. Cosmos had created us.

Cosmos was proud of these creatures and wanted to give them a suitable place to dwell, one unlike the harsh worlds How were they harsh? Because they were made of stone? of his firstborn. A realm which was in harmony and can could provide whatever toneeds that his children might have Be careful to keep your tense in check. Thus Cosmos decided to not create this realm himself, but rather to create a number of beings that would cooperate to shape this world, all adding their own visions and adapting them to each other.

It was here that he created our five supreme you mean lesser? Gods; all shaped differently, each with their own personality, strengths and emotions. This way, Cosmos was sure that these Gods would, when in unity, be able to overcome any problem.

They were created in his own appearance, thus shapeless, but all entirely different by character. This sentence doesn't really have a purpose. It tells the reader nothing, because we already know they have different characters, and if they're shapeless, there's no point mentioning it. It's not like anyone's going to see them anyway.

The first to be created was Balor; given the gift of wisdom and possessed the greatest strength. What does he need strength for if he has no shape? He was fearless and confident.

Next came his brother, Blot, equally wise but lacking his brother's strength, this being somethingsomething that he would later compensate with cunning and trickery.

Wymar, the middle brother, had great compassion and love, which gave him the greatest understanding of life.

Gwawl was granted the mastery of all physical skills. Adroit and light fingered, this God could handle any tool.

Mastery of all physical skills? If he was shapeless after Cosmos, how would he have any use for physical skills? How would he handle a tool without hands, and why would he anyway?

And finally there was Anu, the lone sister, who was most skilled in the creation of life.

It was but moments after they had been created when Cosmos hadput upon them the task of creating a world for man. Still disoriented and unaware of the extension of their powers, they were sent out to complete this task.

The young gods, not wanting to disappoint their father, at once set out to work on this task.

“Our father did not show us how this world must be,” said Balor to the others. “Thus we must shape this world ourselves. But what shape shall it have?” He glanced at his brethren. All of the Gods had their own visions, Balor envisioned a world existing of bound rocks, connected to each other by bridges and ropes.

“And how long till one would fall off?” commented Anu.

New paragraph.“The world you describe is a perilous one,” added Wyrmar, agreeing with his sister. If Balor envisioned it in his mind, how did Anu or Wyrmar know what he said? “I myself have quite a different vision, one great and safe. It is a world made out of this.” He held out up a small blue ball of shining liquid.
“I call this water,” he continued, “and it is an element much safer than the earth and rocks we see around us. For one can live inside it without ever falling.”

“Cosmos’ children have to be free and not imprisoned in this liquid!” replied Balor with anger in his voice, “Do you wish to disappoint our father?!”

“The world we make needs to be alive, like the beings that inhabit it,” Interfered said Anu. (It's not interfering because she was part of the conversation, and it's interrupting actually. And anyway, said serves fine, anything else is starting to become over-descriptive) “Did you not see that the firstborn lived on a world made from the same material as their bodies?”

Gwawl tried to still the discussion by proposing a compromise, “Do not fight, my siblings, all of your visions are true. Let us work to combine these worlds of which you speak.”

But he spoke in vain, for Balor, Anu and Wyrmar had only ears for themselves and for an seemingly endless time, they quarreled.

The only one who was silent was Blot, gazing into Cosmos’ infinity, displeased with the foolish behavior of his brethren. He believed that a calm mind was a productive mind and thus searched for an answer himself.

It was at that point when he noticed something far away, it seemed like a small dark speck in the blackness background How did he see a speck of darkness in the already black place? Do you mean a speck of light? of the endless space. He gazed at it for some time, attempting to ignore the distracting quarreling behind him when suddenly he realized what it was.

“Fight no more, my brethren!” he then exclaimed, “for I have found the answer to what is our task.” He paused, waiting to get all of their attention. “Follow me, and I shall show you.” Having this said, Blot made his way to the distant object, with the other gods close behind, forgetting their quarrels, wondering what great solution he had come up with.

Once they reached the object, they gasped at its size. It was a huge, flat rock, with a size far beyond anything you can imagine. This was one of Cosmos’ old creations.

“This, my brethren, shall be the world of Man. “Exclaimed Blot. ”For this plane can hold all of our visions and let them coexist in peace.”

"This, my brethren, shall be the world of Man," Bolt exclaimed. "For it shall encompass all our visions and allow them to co-exist peacefully."

“I hear you my brother!” said Balor, “This shall be the house of man!”

“Yes,” added Anu, “this will do perfectly.”

After agreeing that this was to be the new world of man, the gods descended to the plane Why do you use this word? Why not boulder or just say planet outright? It's hardly in a different plane/ world than their's if it was floating towards them. and started to shape and form it according to their will.

Balor did not like the uniformity of the land, which was too smooth, flat and monotone. Therefore he raised it, thus unnecessary after using therefore creating the mountains and hills but also the valleys, coves, cliffs, glens and gorges. Wymar, after adjusting his envisioned element, introduced water to our world. This was a highly mobile element which spread all across the plane and soon flowed into every crack, crater, cavity, dimple Dimple? Really?, gap and gash that was created by Balor's raising of the lands, thus creating the seas, rivers, lakes and ponds, the very ones that we can still see around us.

This new element however, had a great weakness. For unlike earth, being free in its movements, get rid of the comma, because it gives the impression that earth is free in it's movements instead of the water much of it quickly flowed off the plane falling into the bottomless abyss beneath.

Unable to stop this from happening, Wyrmar pleaded for the help of his brethren. “We must save my creation!” he exclaimed.

“That, we shall,” replied Gwawl. “Balor, my brother, help me raise a wall around this plane to hold the water in.”

Balor agreed and the two gods raised the lands around the edge of the plane, thus creating a steep wall all around the plane. A wall as high as five men high and two arms thick, created from one solid chunk of Balors toughest earth, stone.

After completing their task this, the gods set to return to their tasks of shaping the world. But unfortunately, the wall did not hold, and it was Blot who first saw the cracks forming.
“Come, my brothers,” he screamed in panic, “the wall is crumbling!”

Balor and Gwawl could not believe this to be so until they saw it themselves. At many points the wall had cracked, broken, shifted and collapsed. This is a little over-descriptive, maybe you should just choose one or two.

“I see now that This is because the water bites the earth,” explained Wymar. “As long as it is moving, It has the power to erode even the strongest wall!”

“What treachery is this?!” demanded Balor of him. “How dare you destroy my creation, the very one on which Cosmos’ children shall dwell?”

“Forgive me my brothers, for I did not intend my creation to have this ability,” Wyrmar replied.

New paragraph.“Then why not take it away?” said Blot. “It would solve our problem.”

“And make it no different from the earth beneath our feet,” added Wyrmar, “I wish to keep it in its current state.”

“Indeed this may be a fortune hidden by mischief,” What does this mean? interrupted Anu, “as theWyrmar's creation can move your element around, my brother, keeping it fresh and alive.”

“You speak with great insight, my sister,” replied Balor. “But if no wall can hold it, then it is doomed to fall.”

So continued the debate between the Gods. They tried many times to save Wyrmar's water, creating stronger walls of various types of stone and earth eventually even from the water itself, taking away its mobility, creating a strong substance, one which we gave the name ice. None of these methods however, seemed to keep this untamable element at bay. It was just when Wyrmar was ready to give up his creation that his sister got a great insight from where?.

“We cannot save your creation, my brother,” she said, “but we can replace it.”

“But I cannot eternally forever Might sound pedantic, but eternally is too close to internally. And it sounds odd create this element,” interrupted Wymar is his name Wymar or Wyrmar? . “It is my task to aid withthe creation of the world and not be a mere replenisher.”

“Listen to me, my brothers,” Anu continued. “I know a way by which we can replace the water without constantly creating it ourselves.” She paused to gain their attention. ”With your help, I can make a guardian for your creation, one that shall have the power to replace all that which is lost to Cosmos.”

After the other gods agreed, Anu started forming and shaping this guardian. This formless entity, made to resemble their father and master, was put high in the sky (I removed the period) far above the plane, so that it could reach places otherwise unreachable for ground bound life Again, what does this mean?.

“Now, brother, you must grant it wisdom,” she said to Balor. “For it must know when and where to replenish the lost water.”

“It shall be done,” Balor said, while blessing the creature with the great gift of wisdom.

“It also must have the ability to create water at will,” said Anu. “Can you grant it that, my brother?” she asked of Wymar.

“I can, and I shall,” replied Wymar. “It shall give birth to my element whenever this it has been lost, replenishing it and maintaining a balance on the plain.”

“We must turn one into many,” said Gwawl, “for one guardian cannot be at in all places at once.” He then used his might to tear the guardian into little pieces. “These pieces shall grow and spread,” he said, “and protect Wyrmar's creation.”

The Gods looked upon their creation and where content with its design.

The creatures, like Gwawl predicted, soon grew and spread across the skies, refilling that which was lost.

But the Gods made one great flaw, for since these beings were the first life on the plane and were set with such an important task, these creatures grew in self-admiration, becoming proud and short tempered. If one dared to defy them, they were able to drown them in floods or curse them with draught. Our word for these great beings is cloud.

After this was solved, the Gods turned to another problem concerning the water, the very same that brought down the walls; erosion. For as it flowed throughout the world, it cut deep into the earth, scarring the lands.

“This must be stopped!” Balor bellowed. “My work shall not be undone.”

“Stay calm, my brother,” said Anu. “This problem can be solved the same byway as the last. I shall create a creature that shall guard the earth. A creature that shall protect it from harm.”

Balor liked this idea and devoted his full attention to the design of this new being.

“It must have long hands that hold on to the earth,” he said, while thinking out(space this out or use aloud)loud.

“It must also stay near the water at all times,” added Wymar. “For only on the border between water and land can harm be done.”

“I have envisioned the solution,” said Anu and she started to form and mould the matter that would become this creature, for it was her gift to create the life that would guard this element.

She created the Flora, strong plants of various sizes with roots that would run deep into the ground. These roots would hold the earth and prevent anything from disturbing it.

But unlike the clouds, no wisdom was passed down to them, for Balor found that these guardians had to put their task before themselves. Caring for the soil in which they grew, without but a thought of leaving. Never having the urge to leave. This is redundant, as you can see.

But even without this wisdom, these plants posed a great problem, as they now mindlessly grew and grew until they were far too long. Then they then lost their grip or snapped in two, failing to protect the soil underneath them.

Wymar however, fixed this problem by teaching them how to drink his water and how to grow strong from it. With this becoming their primary instinct, they all cluttered wherever there was water, drinking as much as their bodies could hold. The plants learned to grow only when given water for it was what gave them strength.

Soon these plants scattered across the lands, populating most of the plane. And so its color changed from brown to green. The plants, despite their lack of wisdom felt great love and compassion for their creators, and wished to thank them for their creation.

From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank the Gods for and took part in a long debate.
On a given day they finally agreed on what to do and thus grew flowers and fruits, all in different shapes, sizes and hues.

“Thank you my children,” said Anu when she saw this, who was deeply touched by this gift that colored the lands in ways that she could never have imagined. So deeply that she loved them as a mother loves her child.

So, as you can see I have a few nitpicks with this story.

CONTRADICTIONS

In the beginning paragraphs, you contradicted yourself. A lot. You'd say one thing in one paragraph, and then directly contradict it in the next paragraph. This is a main problem because it affects everything else in the story, it leaves the reader wondering if anything later established is actually possible given what you said earlier. And there's something else I'd like to point out: you say the Gods are shapeless, right? Now this worked for Cosmos. But for the others, it makes it darn near impossible for the reader to imagine them creating or doing anything when they had no shape. How did they talk to each other, and not only talk but display emotions such as anger and impatience? How did they mould things? How did they Gwawl tear the physical creatures to pieces without the use of his hands?

CONTINUITY AND REALISM

And also, you said the Gods and Cosmos were shapeless. But in the course of creating clouds, you mentioned that the to-be clouds were made to resemble the Gods and Cosmos. But seeing as the clouds were physical things able to be seen by Humans, how does that work? Are you saying the Gods look like clouds? And why did Cosmos create the Humans before creating a planet for them? It wasn't very bright of him.

Near the end, you mentioned the plants grew fruits and flowers. But they weren't Gods themselves, so how did they do this? And you say they had no wisdom that would make them move, but they were intelligent enough to want to decorate themselves to please the Gods. Surely they'd be intelligent enough to make them move, or to entertain the thought? And perhaps the most important thing, where is the Sun? Because all those plants are going to starve without it.

ALL IN ALL

I like the basic concept: a High god and then some lesser gods who basically create the Earth. The thing is though, that this currently seems like some sort-of short story rather than a novel chapter. It's just a tale so far, an origin story. The part where you mentioned the narrator talking with three other men currently adds nothing to the piece as a story, it still seems like a short story. I suppose this is because you haven't introduced the characters central to the plot, that is, the human characters.

My advice to you is that you add some more about the humans being told the tale, and actually introduce us to the heroes. The origin story is really not that interesting, because we generally know what's going to happen in it: god creates world, creates humans for the world. That pretty much sums it up. I also advise you to go over this and fix the problems with the speech, because you have an odd way of writing it.

You write something like this:

"Go home." Said Sam, "Or I'll be mad."

That should be:

"Go home," said Sam. "Or I'll be mad."

When you write speech, remember that the part where the dialogue ("Go home") and the part where you mention who is talking (said Sam) are part of the same sentence. So you connect them with a comma, and end the sentence after said Sam.

Basically, I think this could have been more interesting. You could have added more towards the plot, you could have made the beginning of time more clear. If you listen to the advice of all the reviewers so far, I believe you can definitely improve this. So good job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

P. S. Feel free to PM me about this or post on my wall.