Young Writers Society

The words register
for the thousandth time
in a mind
where they are eternally trapped.

A place where they can't escape.

They try to wretch free,
but only succeed
in turning on the faucet
connected to my eyes.

It hurts to hang on
to the words he so ruthlessly
poured into my mind
through other people.

But I will hang on.

He tries to take them back,
but I won't give them up.
No matter how much it hurts,
I won't let go.

He tries to get rid of them.

He pours new words
into my damaged mind,
but they just pour out
tracing lines down my face.

I knew they were lies,
unlike the words I hold now.
The words that declaired,
that he didn't care
or love me.

I will hold these words
for they are the only things
that make sense to me,
because they are true.

These Words.

Flower~Child wrote:The words register
for the thousandth time
in a mind
where they are eternally trapped.

A place where they can't escape.

They try to wretch free,
but only succeed
in turning on the faucet
connected to my eyes.
Love this imagery
It hurts to hang on
to the words he so ruthlessly
poured into my mind
through other people.

But I will hang on.

He tries to take them back,
but I won't give them up.
No matter how much it hurts,
I won't let go.

He tries to get rid of them.

He pours new words
into my damaged mind,
but they just pour out
tracing lines down my face.

I knew they were lies,
unlike the words I hold now.
The words that declairedWatch out for those typo's. This should be declared. Are these the words that were lies?,
that he didn't care
or love me.

I will hold these wordsWhich words, the old ones?
for they are the only things
that make sense to me,
because they are true.I'm confused, I thought you said that the person knew that the words were lies?

These Words.

This is good. The emotion really comes across. I love your imagery and your poem flows really well. There wasn't much to comment on, except for what I said above. It does get a little confusing because you are talking about two different sets of words. What type of words were the first set? Were they angry words? Happy words? Sad words? You sort of described the second set of words, but I think I might have gotten them confused with the first set. I look forward to seeing more of your work!

Hey, Flow! Jashy here as requested. =))

I read it twice, and you know what? I really liked this. I don't have any nitpicks whatsoever. =)) My comments will be in pinkish font.

The words register I honestly don't think that the word "register" is a "poetic" word, but this seemed fine. =)) Doesn't seem awkward once you've read the whole first stanza.
for the thousandth time
in a mind
where they are eternally trapped.

in turning on the faucet I know you mean crying here. I like the way that this was unique, 'cause most writers will say "a waterfall" or "flowing down" blah blah, but I really think you should eliminate that imagery. Unlike the "register", it really seemed awkward. Especially when one reads-->>
connected to my eyes.

The words that declaired,
that he didn't care

Whoopz! So, OK, one nitpick...no biggy. =))

I really, really HONESTLY enjoyed this, Flow! I love it. XD The progression was smooth, and while reading, the words totally pulled me in to read more. The theme was also good. You had something to say there alright! XD Ooh, and I read it again. LOL Oooh, and then you had a great way of ending it it! XD So *applause* for you! Good job. =))...

These Words.

=)) still love it. =P


~~ Jash ♥

Flower~Child wrote:The words register
for the thousandth time
in a mind
where they are eternally trapped.

A place where they can't escape.

They try to wretch free,
but only succeed
in turning on the faucet
connected to my eyes.

It hurts to hang on
to the words he so ruthlessly
poured into my mind
through other people.

But I will hang on.

He tries to take them back,
but I won't give them up.
No matter how much it hurts,
I won't let go.

He tries to get rid of them.

He pours new words
into my damaged mind,
but they just pour out
tracing lines down my face.

I knew they were lies,
unlike the words I hold now.
The words that declaired,
that he didn't care
or love me.

I will hold these words
for they are the only things
that make sense to me,
because they are true.

These Words.

I hope my review does not upset you, but here it is anyway.

Clearly your poem talks about a relationship failure. But to me you were trying too hard to be vague and mysterious. Ofcourse I loved your implicit meanings and your many agonized images, but at some point you would just lose the reader becuase I think you made it way too personal. Ofcourse it is your poem, but try to make it possible for the reader to link himself into your grief too. What I think you should too is make your sentences a bit more "simple" and enhance your vocabulary. That way, you get the same result. I would like to read more of your work soon.

This is a very interesting poem. You really got your point across to the reader. The imagery you used throughout the poem is wonderful. You certainly have some good poetry skills And I’m looking forward to reading some of you other works I have only a few suggestions/nit picks

“A place where they can't escape.”

This line seems a bit forced to me, I was just wondering if you had considered something along the lines of “A place in which they can’t escape”. I may just be being fussy but it seems to flow of your tongue a little easier

“in turning on the faucet
connected to my eyes.”
I love this line, I see many poems in which the writers use the words “cry” and tears” and they just don’t seem to capture as much intensity within the poem as the line you just used. Well done.

“He pours new words
into my damaged mind,
but they just pour out
tracing lines down my face.”
For me using the word pour twice took some of the intensity away from the word. Perhaps use a word like “drained”

Keep on writing!

Hey Flower. Here for a review.

The first thing I noticed was the obscurity of the poem at the start. It was difficult to place any concrete images or meanings to the words, because they actually read as neutral; it's difficult to tell whether the words are good or bad and what the whole situation was. This robs the poem of any emotion and makes it hard to stick through the opening stanzas.

The second thing I noticed was the structure itself— you never really explore an idea fully before emphasizing it, and the ideas change per stanza. This was another thing that made the poem more difficult to get into, and made the single lines not as powerful as they could, or perhaps a better word is should, be. Single lines to drive emphasis tend to work better at the end of an explored idea, because by then readers will be more hit by the emphasis.

Also, by having so many lines of emphasis, it draws away power from any solo lines. The first one... I'll be honest and say I didn't get what the emphasis was, because I didn't know if the words the narrator were holding onto were truth or lies. But come the third singular line, I read them as something just part of the poem instead of having much emphasis. Just pick one or two lines as transition points in the poem to really hit the points home.

Overall, I found this to be too obscure to really get into. I could sort of see what you were getting at, especially at the end, but the beginning was just a bit too confusing. If you clear up what you're holding onto, so we know if it's truth or lies making the narrator cry, it'd be better. Also, if the imagery was a bit easier to picture, the poem would be stronger. I understand if you don't want to give more context, but I think if you strengthened the imagery it'd make for a stronger poem.

PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

Hello, here at last, sorry it took so long. So here are my nit picks:

The words register,
for the thousandth time,
in a mind
where they are eternally trapped.

So, mainly I find that having lines that are mostly the same leath in a poem to flow better. I think that making the thrid line would help this stanza flow better.

A place where they can't escape.

This line seems unndeed. You say before that the word are "eternaly trapped" so we already acume that they would not be able to escape...

It hurts to hang on
to the words he so ruthlessly
poured into my mind
through other people.

But I will hang on.

I also don't see why this is here, if you went on to say how you would hold on or why it would make more sence, but no, you go on to talk more about his words...

I knew they were lies,
unlike the words I hold now.
The words that declaired,
that he didn't care or love me.

This would be better in four lines, like the rest of the poem. Now, with the one line after some of the four line stanzas, if your going to do that, I suggest you do it with some kind of pattern. If you want to put a one line stanza in there I would put it either afer ever four line stanza, and make the four line stanza refer to the one line stanza. If you put a one line stanza after every two four line stanza then you should refer in those stanzas to the one line stanza. Just make sure there is a pattern, having a pattern makes the poem eaiser to read and understand.

I will hold these words
for they are the only things
that make sense to me,
because they are true.

These Words.

To me, it seems like you needed more of an end, this just doesn't seen like an end. But maybe I'm wrong... I like the These Word part though...

Hope this helps,

~Rain~

P.S. Sorry for the bad spelling, I don't have spell check, but I'm working on it!

Heya, Flower

I'm here to review as requested. You seem to have already gotten a bucket load of good reviews, so I'm not sure what else I might have to add. If I think it's necessary, I might repeat what others have said, but I tend to avoid repeating things. Considering I'm trying to stop being so nit-picky in reviews, and I can't find an grammatical errors in this anyway, I'm just going to give you an overall critique, I think.

What I like about this is the idea itself. I mean, it's not the most original idea to have as a poem, but I like how you've put your own style to it. It's also a rather simple idea, but you've made it into something bigger and more interesting. I'm also glad to see you writing again! Since the first poem I read of yours, your writing has certainly improved, and I always like to see that. Your grammar's also improved as well, so thumbs up for that! Something you did well here was the ending, in my opinion. I think you ended this poem in a really good way. It summed up the whole poem well, even though the start was a weeny bit vague at the start, but that's already been explained very well by Rosey.

My main issue with this is that, to me, you sometimes skip through an idea too fast. By that, I mean when you start a new stanza, the subject changes. There's nothing hugely wrong about that, but it makes all of the subjects seem kind of vague. I'm not sure if I'm making sense here.... I hope you get the idea. What I'd like to see you doing is don't feel as though when there's a new stanza, you have to go onto another subject. Make sure that you write enough about one thing before going on to describe another. To me, poetry is all about descriptions and vividness, so you need to really enhance that, in my mind.

The other critique I have for you is similar to what Rosey said at one point. If I hadn't known the title of the poem,I wouldn't have really been 100% sure of what it was about at the beginning. By the end, it was clear that you were describing lies, but the start was a little shaky. I got the point that you were describing words of some sort, but whether they were lies, truths, requests, questions, I didn't really know. I understood that they were negative words, but truths can be just as negative as lies. I'm not entirely sure on how you can make it clearer though, if I'm honest. I know you can come up with something though because you're a great writer!

Other than that, I don't think I have much else to say. Not anything that hasn't already been said, anyway. You've got a bunch of great reviews here, so all that you need to do is take them with a pinch of salt, and edit this up a bit. If you take the critiques into consideration and edit your poem with the help of them, I can confidently say that you could end up with an extremely good piece of writing here.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins