Young Writers Society

A crack spread [I think "ran" would work better here] down the egg; allowing the milky white substance inside spill out across the warm incubator.

My eyes barely opened into slits [Writing from first person does not allow you the freedom of describing your character like this - your character cannot see its own eyes open into slits] and I could only just make out a man hovering over me. A Hand lens [is "Hand" a brand? If it is not, this should be lower-case] was grasped in his sweaty palms.

“Dr. Preston! Dr. Preston, over here,” the man beckoned, though he didn't take his eyes off my wondering face. [Again, your character cannot see whether its face is wondering. You could describe the character wondering about something instead]

Dr. Preston, a skinny man with thinning gray hair and a white lab coat hurried over the the man's side.

“Holy cow! Mr. Hanna, fetch me a pair of gloves!” Dr. Preston beamed. He leaned down in front of my face as he lifted me into his hands. I was just the size of both his hands, maybe a little bigger.

“I think I'll name you Cas.”

So, I was born. Living in the Factory for sixteen years, taking classes from trained scientists as school, and making friends with other people here. Being born and raised in a science lab isn't as bad as you'd think. [Describing 16 years in one paragraph seems like a bit of a faux-pas to me in terms of writing]

I wasn't what you'd call a normal human being, but nobody born here really was normal. We weren't birds. Ha, not even close. We're better. No chance of us bleeding to death- and if we bleed that much nothing will happen. As far as self defense goes, we were genetically modified for super strength. We weren't humans, we were hatched.

Unfortunately, every science experiment has its mistakes. That's were the Poison Ones come in, all starting with Sean and Helena, partners in crime. Instead of white eggs they were black and instead of the thick white substance inside they're was a thin velvet red substance, like blood. They were bad eggs. When I say bad, I mean destroying science labs, threatening the staff, stealing, and they both have anger management problems that can be deadly.

Sean and Helena had always been against the factory, I guess it was almost natural. They started an army, a rebellion, when they were both fourteen. Hatching eggs of their own. [So... they were mating...? Where did the eggs come from?] It kept going until they out numbered us by about a hundred. They were far away, hidden from the factorythey were, and we just about forgot them. Nobody has heard from them since, until last night that is. Because last night Helena returned to The Factory.

----

Thunder cracked in the dark, gray sky. Storm clouds hanging in the air like a dark gray moss hovering above us. I heard a knock on my door, and I opened it although I knew if the staff knew I had I'd be in trouble since it was after curfew. [Run-on sentence]

My friend Finley was standing there, his brown hair wild and his Factory sweat shirt thrown on inside out as if he'd been in a hurry to be here. [I would not say "as if he'd been in a hurry...". Just saying that the shirt was on inside out and his hair was all over the place gives the reader enough clues for them to guess that he was, in fact, in a hurry]

He walked in and shut the door hastily. His eyes were gloomy, but drooped and tired like he hadn't been sleeping real well. [Again, see the above comment. No need to state the obvious]

Before I had a chance to ask him why he was here, he opened his mouth.

"Helena's back," he announced. I was caught off guard, and I wasn't sure I believed him. There's no way she's back, and how would Finley know if she was?

"That can't be,” I stammered, “How do you know that?" Finley frowned as if he didn't want to talk about it. [So... he's out after the curfew, he charges into the door as if this was very, very important, and now he doesn't want to talk about it?]

"I saw her in the library, but I don't think she saw me." Finey replied softly. I cupped my hand over my mouth when I realized he was being truthful. [What made the main character realize he was being truthful?]

"Are you sure it was her?" I questioned, [Said-bookism. You should use "said" rather than "questioned", because the question mark at the end of the statement already makes it obvious that this was a question] and Finley nodded. " Was Sean or the others with her?" I asked and he silently shook his head.

"No, I think she was looking for something here though," he said.

A piercing scream rang out from down the hall, and we recognized it immediately. Bast, Finley's thirteen year old sister.

I took off down the hall after Finley, ignoring shouts from the staff and wandering people. It hit me, Finley was heading towards the library. Where Helena was. [Anti-climatic]