Young Writers Society

eagerly you light the candles
each flame puncturing the dark
carving shadows into the wall,
skeletons writhing, passing things to each other
as our bodies grow closer than the flame to the wick.

the hiss of flickering flames
blends into the whoosh of waves,
the taste of salt stirring
memories of the shoreline—
crushed shells at our feet
fishbones broken on the rocks,
the solitude you said was safer.

at last your back arches
and you pull from me,
your long fingers lingering
as you wrench from my body,
now empty as a bone sucked of marrow.

in the hollow light your face is sliced,
all sockets and bone, wax melted from a skull.
as you snuff out the flames
with thumb and forefinger,
brushing off the ash like
bits of me you didn’t need,
I realize, I’ve fallen in love with a skeleton.

Geez, Black. You have a way with words. I'm not going to rush with this review, so it may be a bit to read in the end. However, you have what will become one of my YWS favorite poems in the near future, so I want this to be beautiful and as near to perfect as possible. That said, I'd like to ask other reviewers to refrain from reviewing my review, and to focus on this beautiful piece.

Though I am a stickler for capitalization and punctuation, I'm going to leave it alone in this piece because it gives me the Cormac McCarthy treatment. PM me if you'd like the revisions, though. First off, though, capitalize the title.

eagerly you light the candles
each flame puncturing the dark
carving shadows into the wall,
skeletons writhing, passing things to each other
as our bodies grow closer than the flame to the wick.

The opening stanza--the hook--hits about a 75% hooking for me. The imagery is fairly unique and it gives a foreshadowing to what is yet to come: more cold imagery. What you do, however, that I like is display a beautifully subtle flame imagery--something typically violent and heated--and you display it in such a cold and lax light. Unique and successful.

My biggest pick with this stanza is the fourth line--skeletons writhing, passing things to each other;--because I can't figure out if it's meant to be a foreshadowing image or a sexual image, given the next line. Really, between the third and fifth lines, it seems almost out-of-place, given the abrupt interruption to the dancing flame image. Granted, I tried reading it with the skeletons taken away and the flame imagery takes on a more heated feel, so it may be an unnecessary evil. Maybe try to make it more relevant. Your call.

the hiss of flickering flames<---could you give me a word different than flickering? it seems almost playful. lofty.
blends into the whoosh of waves,
the taste of salt stirring
memories of the shoreline—
crushed shells at our feet
fish_bones broken on the rocks,
the solitude you said was safer.<---is a tense shift, but it's in a memory sequence, so it's just fine.

Transitional imagery! So, in my head, I get the sights and sounds of a rolling wave as a flame extinguishes into smoke. And then every other sense is evoked shortly after with the succeeding lines. Wonderful. However, despite how the images and sounds and feelings meld together, it almost seems abrupt in the transition, i.e. not seamless. My suggestion would be to expand on the first two lines, or give some stronger and more specific words to describe the scene. The ending of this stanza is as chilling as first frost, so if nothing else, leave it alone.

But again, I'm going to adore your uniqueness with the praise of fish bones (which is two words. Noted above). Please stay unique. It's something I admire.

at last your back arches
and you pull from me,
your long fingers lingering
as you wrench from my body,
now empty as a bone sucked of marrow.

And we're out of the memories and into the present again, and everything in this stanza can be related to something sexual. The idea it gave me was oddly necrophilia-esque. Almost like the woman/man whom the narrator loved had killed him--drained him of life; and the image was gruesome and haunting.

in the hollow light your face is sliced,<---intentional internal rhyme? either way, it makes the stanza gain almost a rhythm that dissipates on the next line. question this.
all sockets and bone, wax melted from a skull.
as you snuff out the flames
with thumb and forefinger,
brushing off the ash like
bits of me you didn't need,<---tense shift, but again. . . see note below.
I realize, I’ve fallen in love with a skeleton.

The stanza above was rectified by the ending and your unique style wraps it all up in a cage of dried flanges for the reader. The tense shift I noted in the stanza has me questioning myself because it works very well with the tone. It's nearly as if the narrator, he's losing the ability to distinguish between past and present and future, much like a dying man. Aside from that, it seems to serve well for the flow and half-rhythm of the entire stanza. Get someone esle's opinion if you're dubious, but I actually suggest you keep it.

The internal rhyme needs to change. . . Like I noted above, it does too much to the "smoke-and-dead-man" feel of the poem.

And man, will you have the necrophiliacs squirming by the end.

All-in-all,
I'm obviously a fan, Blackbird. Everything that could change, in my opinion, has been noted above and I'm going to like this as soon as I submit the review. My final note is that it would make a great piece of prose as well, if you would be willing to try.

PM me with any questions or comments or if you want another review!

-Lumiface

Is it like a cold, uncaring persom, who would do anything to anyone? Interesting...

very beautiful, I like your art^^
It's very well said and so vivid

Sorry for the delay I shall now attend to this, sadly unlike Lumi, I didn't quite like this, yes it's an interesting idea, but you neglect to really capture what I really want, the imagery of water is rather forced, and yes water can be related to sex, but I wouldn't class water as a good image for what you're trying to convey. Yes some of it rather beautiful, and almost seems like it necrophilia, but I don't know, it doesn't really intrigue me.

You relate to fire and then water, it doesn't fit the poem overall tone, which is diminished because you insisted on sounding pretty and pretentious. I admit that's a harsh comment, but it's true.

But don't despair for instance there is some bits I really loved for instance,

crushed shells at our feet
fishbones broken on the rocks,

But as I said in another review, pretty imagery is never a saving grace of a poem, the ending was beautiful, but without the strength in the lead up, it just falls down and leaves me thinking, 'Huh, so that was it'. You should wow the readers but this doesn't do that for me.

I won't lie there is some strength, but not enough here for me to really rate this poem highly.

Hope this helps.

Late. I know. Please forgive. Thread is called "(Un)timely Reviews" for a reason.

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The first thing I noticed in the first stanza was the inconsistent punctuation -- you sometimes have commas, but then you sometimes don't. Not good. While I did like the minimal capitalization, the inconsistency of the commas in particular detracted from the poem instead of enhancing it. I suggest that you be more consistent with your punctuation, if not throughout the poem, then at least by stanza.

The next major issue was the weakness of the last stanza, especially the first two lines. They are ill-phrased and felt far too literal, and so the last line loses much of the impact it could have. I would suggest rewriting those first two lines into as a combination of something clearer yet more metaphoric, something that could be taken literally, but feels not as literal. It would give the last line the impact it is currently missing since the blunt literalness of the last line wouldn't be diluted by literalness earlier on. If that makes sense.

That aside, the second stanza was pretty weak. The imagery, compared to the rest of the poem, was uninspired. While it does work as a transition, that's all it does, and frankly, it's not enough. Give this stanza more substance. Don't use such common depictions as flickering flames and waves going whoosh. It just contrasts (badly) with your other, poignant images, such as candle flames puncturing the darkness and emptiness like a bone sucked of marrow.

In the third stanza, the fifth line struck me as redundant. You already mention her pulling away from the narrator; there is no need to mention it again so soon, and "wrench" contrasts so harshly in tone from the rest of the poem. I suggest rephrasing so that the mentioning of her wrenching away is cut out entirely.

That aside, this wasn't a bad poem by any means, but it could definitely be better. You have some really good imagery here, and I quite liked how you wove mentions of bones into every stanza; it really reinforced the theme. Right now, it's just a matter of refining that imagery and cutting out the slag that's weighing down the rest of the poem.

I wish you luck.