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How it was supposed to be
How it was supposed to be

by Incandescence in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on January 27, 2006
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Dragon Knight Legacy - Prologue
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter One: Early Childhood
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (1/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Three: The Dragon Who Speaks
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Four: The Legend Retold
The Dragon Knight Legacy Prologue (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 1 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 3 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 4 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 6 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST)

Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (2/2)
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Dynamo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 8:47 pm    Post subject: Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (2/2) Reply with quote

...Wake up... You're not dead... Wake up!

Kai slowly opened his eyes. He saw tree branches gently swaying in the breeze above him. The sky above was painted orange from the sunset. Pain shot through his body as Kai tried to sit up. He coughed as he clutched his stomach. When he was sitting up right, he saw that his hand was drenched with blood. He looked at his body and saw the two crossbow bolts and the blood coming out through his shirt around his stomach.

He grabbed the bolt in his shoulder and pulled it out. Being part demon, he could stand such pain and injuries without dying, but pulling out the bolt made him wince with pain. He pulled out the other bolt and dragged himself up against a rock to support him.

As he tried to get over the pain, he remembered what one of the soldiers said before he blacked out. King Kuri ordered us to kill him as quickly as possible. We'll finish him here and dump him in the forest.

"My stepfather ordered the palace guards to kill me?" Kai asked to himself, "I know he hates me, but why would he go this far?"

Kai was too confused about the situation to think straight, and also because of his blood loss. If Drake ordered Kai to be killed, there's no way he could go back to Kuri City. Kai felt like crying. Here he was, lost and bleeding in the woods with no chance of going home and seeing his mother or best friend ever again.

"Quit your whining! Do you honestly believe you were better off in that city in the first place?"

Kai asked, "What do you mean?"

"No one respects you, no one cares about you. This was bound to happen sooner or later. At least this way, you can make a name for yourself, make people respect you, do whatever you want! If you think about it, this is more of a blessing than it is a curse."

Kai winced as he stood up. "You're right. They never accepted me, and they never will. I was born a lone wolf and so I shall be. I don't need anyone. I have no family. Hence forth, I will be known as Yang, the merciless half-demon. One day, I will return to Kuri City, and I will kill my stepfather for what he's done to me! And then everyone will fear my name, and respect me because of it."

The bushes behind him started rustling. Kai spun around to see a towering, pig-like creature coming out of the bushes. It was wearing ill crafted black armor that clashed with its green skin. It carried a giant axe with both its hands. The blades of the axe were slightly reddened from the blood of those it killed.

The pig demon looked down at Kai with hungry eyes. "I was hoping for something with a little more meat on it, but this half-breed will have to do. I'm starving!" The pig lifted his axe over his head. "Hold still, halfy!"

It dropped its axe over Kai, who jumped in fear out of the way. The axe made a big slice sound as it dug itself into the ground where Kai was once standing. Kai landed stomach first into the ground and grunted due to the pain from his wounds. He opened his eyes after closing them during the impact and saw a large lump of wolf excrement. He looked back and saw the pig had pulled its axe from the ground and was heading towards him. In an act of desperation, Kai grabbed a handful of the excrement and threw it into the pig's eyes. The creature screamed in disgust. Kai quickly got to his feet, wiping his hand on the ground as he got up, and dashed blindly through the forest. Kai could easily out run this demon if not for his wounds to slow him down. He could hear the thunderous footsteps of the demon pursuing him.

Kai was running for his life through the uncharted woods. He tried to ignore the pain from his injuries and run as fast as he could. He could not distinct which direction he was running in. He was hoping that he was heading towards Kuri City. He thought to himself, I've got to get back to Kuri City. I know they'll kill me if they see me, but I've got a better chance against them than this thing!

Delight fiiled Kai's heart as he saw sunlight shinning through the trees ahead, inticating that the edge of the forest, and the edge of something else, was near. With newfound hope, Kai tried to run faster to get out of the dark woods. When he got out of the forest, his heart skipped a beat. With all his strength he dug his bare heals into the ground, trying to stop. When he came to a complete stop, he found himself staring down a cliff that stands about a mile and a half above and overlooking the vast ocean. Kai spun around to try and find another way to run. The cliff edge curved towards the direction of the forest, so if Kai were to run in any direction shown before him, the creature chasing him would quickly catch up. He could hear the thundering footsteps of the pig demon storming towards him in the distance.

"What now?!" He knew that with every footstep he heard signaled that he was that much closer to death.

"What do you mean 'what now?' Have you forgotten what is growing out of your back? Tak off your shirt and jump!"

Without time to question the command, Kai lifted his shirt over his head, revealing four magnificent, white- feathered wings growing out of his back. The two wings that were closest to his shoulders were a little longer than Kai's body. The two shorter ones just underneath the first two were about two-thirds the length as the first two.

When Kai got his head free from the shirt, he saw the pig demon exiting the forest and charging towards him. The creature's axe was lifted over his head, ready to attack. When the demon got out of the forest, it too noticed the cliff edge and tried to stop. It tried to swing its axe into the ground to make him stop, but its colossal size and strength made the ground give away under both of them when it dug itself into the edge of the cliff. Both Kai and the demon fell to their deaths into the jagged rocks below...


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Last edited by Dynamo on Fri Jan 27, 2006 9:02 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In case you didn't notice, his wings are the trait the he got niether from his father nor mother which was mentioned in the first chapter. And for those of you who are wondering why I'm killing off the main character in the begining of the story, I'm not going to spoil any surprises by giving you any hints to what's going to happen.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really think it's effective to leave the chapter split like this! The ending is nice and suspenseful. This one is too, but not as much somehow. I also think it aids in giving us the impression that time has passed without saying it has, and also seems appropriate for the setting change. I don't know any rules about making chapters, but this seems to make sense to me. You?

Question 1: did he ALWAYS have the wings, or did they just sprout out of his back last minute? Although I could see how not telling us about it in his description at the beginning could be used for an element of surprise, but a big pair of wings like that are pretty hard to pass over in an overall description. Wouldn't he have a hump on his back or something...they're pretty big. So...I think you could cut out the line (in the...first chapter?) where you say he didn't get this from his parents. His dad's a wolf demon. Far as I know, wolves (even demon wolves) don't have wings, and neither do humans. Wink

Cool ideas, though! Very Happy I like the voice in his head...I thought it was his demon side or something at first, but I'm not entirely sure, which makes it interesting. A little off topic, but it makes me think how strange to talk to yourself and not realize anything is wrong with that, and that lets me know that this voice has been there for a long time. Intriguing.

So you did kill him? I hope there's another main character. Wink I don't think he's dead though. that would be too disappointing. You just said it takes a lot for him to die.

Enjoying it!

~Jacquie~[/i]

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's a lot you could of done with the Kings betrayal; a lot of intrigue you could of woven. However you have taken...an odd course, thats for sure. I guess I'll have to wait to see what your doing. I will say, however, that I think the first part of this was better than the second. That said there are some mistakes I noted.

Quote:
"I know he hates me, but why would he go this far?"


Stupid question to ask oneself dont you think? I think Kai was ment to be questioning wether his father would go so far, in which case it should say: "I know he hates me, but would he go this far?"

Quote:
Hence forth, I will be known as Yang, the merciless half-demon.


Are you being deliberatley theatrical?? Sounds a bit cheesy, could be better: "Hence forth, I will be known as Yang, the half-breed" this sounds better as he embraces who he is, and casts off the prejudiced perceptions of others.

Quote:
Tak off your shirt


Take

I think I should say that it sounds as if Kai is one hell of an ugly creature Laughing Wolf ears, and claws, silver hair and white wings...human body and all that. Lol, just kidding...(or am i?)

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