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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
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 Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry haven't read this until now. Got caught up in some school work and didn't get the chance to go online recently.
I can only suggest that if you wanted to make it better, especially now that you've just finished a big battle, that you take some time to go in depth into some of the characters so we can get a better feel for them. Some dialogue would work well to help give them more personality.
Other than that it's a good story. Keep up the good work.  |
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Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
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| Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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The next day, Christopher awoke to a crashing metal on metal sound, echoing through the halls into Joker Squad's room. He sat up in his bed and glanced around. The captain and Banzai were similarly sitting in their beds, Malakai once again wearing his maroon ball cap while Jeffrey had just began to stir. Someone from the hall yelled, "We're good, sorry," before making more metal on metal noise.
Joker Squad rubbed the sleep from their tired eyes and stretched their sore bodies. Malakai stood up, slipping on a pair of pants over the shorts he had slept in and spoke, "We're cleanin up our mess today and catchin the docs. No use in takin a shower, we're just gunna go get all dirty anyways. Put on some clothes and hurry up."
Post the next later.... |
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Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
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| Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 11:56 pm Post subject: |
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Well, now that Jiggy's gone who'll read my story?
I know what comes next but im gunna wait to write it for just a little bit... |
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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
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Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
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| Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 1:31 am Post subject: |
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| I'm reading! I can wait. Glad to see you know where you're going with this. ^_^ |
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bizare
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| Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 1:59 am Post subject: |
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| this is realy good i like how wyou wrote it it made me feel like some an athour wrote it |
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Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
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| Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 5:28 am Post subject: |
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| thanks josh |
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Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
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| Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:01 am Post subject: THE WAR OF E-13 |
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Prologue
They called him The Elder. Because he was the oldest resident Victorious Gardens Veteran Center had ever seen. Every morning the weathered old man gingerly crept outside the facility to silently sit on the sundeck, basking in the beautiful light of the sunrise. Today, The Elder continued his routine, and with world-weary gray eyes, took in the sights.
A nurse came for him, hours later with a tray in her hands. "Morning, Mickey. I've got pills and juice. Apple or orange?" She asked, calling him by his other nickname. Mickey merely nodded, took the apple juice and pills from the tray and then returned to his sunset. "I'm coming back in about a half of an hour so don't go anywhere, okay?" And with that, the lady turned and left the sundeck, now draped in morning light.
Old Mickey had no intention of waiting for his nurse that morning.
As fast as he could manage, The Elder made his way down the grassy hill, gradually sloping downward towards the dense treeline. He only hesitated once, firmly setting his metallic cyborg leg into place before he slipped into the thick woodlands and disappeared.
As he made his way down a small trail, he felt his robotic leg acting up. Quietly cursing, Mickey slowed his pace and sat down on a moss covered log, enjoying a quick rest. As he sat there, his loneliness struck him powerfully. He felt profoundly alone, as if he didn't have anyone anymore, as if humanity itself had turned its back on him. Ultimately, he felt forgotten.
Those thoughts of loneliness turned to memories in his mind and he allowed his thoughts to wander, far back into things that seemed so incredibly long ago, when he was just young, brave, and enlisted.
For the first time in a long while, he remembered... |
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Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
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| Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:01 am Post subject: THE WAR OF E-13 |
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Prologue
They called him The Elder. Because he was the oldest resident Victorious Gardens Veteran Center had ever seen. Every morning the weathered old man gingerly crept outside the facility to silently sit on the sundeck, basking in the beautiful light of the sunrise. Today, The Elder continued his routine, and with world-weary gray eyes, took in the sights.
A nurse came for him, hours later with a tray in her hands. "Morning, Mickey. I've got pills and juice. Apple or orange?" She asked, calling him by his other nickname. Mickey merely nodded, took the apple juice and pills from the tray and then returned to his sunset. "I'm coming back in about a half of an hour so don't go anywhere, okay?" And with that, the lady turned and left the sundeck, now draped in morning light.
Old Mickey had no intention of waiting for his nurse that morning.
As fast as he could manage, The Elder made his way down the grassy hill, gradually sloping downward towards the dense treeline. He only hesitated once, firmly setting his metallic cyborg leg into place before he slipped into the thick woodlands and disappeared.
As he made his way down a small trail, he felt his robotic leg acting up. Quietly cursing, Mickey slowed his pace and sat down on a moss covered log, enjoying a quick rest. As he sat there, his loneliness struck him powerfully. He felt profoundly alone, as if he didn't have anyone anymore, as if humanity itself had turned its back on him. Ultimately, he felt forgotten.
Those thoughts of loneliness turned to memories in his mind and he allowed his thoughts to wander, far back into things that seemed so incredibly long ago, when he was just young, brave, and enlisted.
For the first time in a long while, he remembered... |
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Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
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| Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:02 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 1
Christopher Erin McDermot lay on his stomach, a pillow under his crossed arms propped up his chin as he glanced over a clustered and busy piece of paper. His orders. The formation of Joker Squad. Specialist McDermott wondered if this would be his last team. He'd already lost two others, earlier in the war. He just wanted out. But he had re-upped months ago for at least four years.
He now called his enlisted time, 'The Sentence', and that, combined with any war time extensions, had him convinced it would be a long time before he saw the end of the war.
Needing a distraction, Christopher sighed and lifted his head, studying the room. His heavy luggage was stacked on the floor a few feet away, there were four other bunk-beds in the room, one of them occupied by an older man in civilian dress, storage chests, a desk, and a long narrow window revealing star filled space. Chris' gaze drifted back towards the man, hands locked under his head, one leg on top of the other, ball cap down over his eyes. Rhythmic breathing. He appeared to be asleep.
Christopher turned around, facing the desk. Apart from a fairly thick folder, the only other object was a small, dark phone, the green power button reading active. He wished he could have a phone call. Just to say hello to those he loved, to those he was fighting for, a reminder that he was a living feeling human, not just some tool employed by the military.
A tool, employed by the military. Christopher pondered the idea. Well, they're getting their moneys worth, aren't they, he thought. Yes, they were using him, and he was paying the price. Explosions, mists of blood, last wishes, salty sweat, and heat. Always heat, either body temperature, some sort of machine, or some sweltering landscape. There was always heat. And every night, those horrific flashbacks bombarded his psyche, and none of the mental barriers he put up stopped them, they always came in, sooner or later, and won. So why did he keep resisting? He was unsure.
The door opened and he turned around slowly to see two figures standing there. One of the men, shorter but wider than Christopher, was dressed in loose black Asian clothing. His muscles were dense and corded and seemed to be packed into his shorter than normal frame. Still, he somehow appeared agile. The Specialist assumed this to be Corporal Shimoto.
The other soldier, to Christopher's surprise, stood a number of inches lower than himself, had short brown hair, radiant green eyes, a wiry build and new fad clothes. In short, she was beautiful, and dwarfed by her big green military issue bag. He must have overlooked the part of his papers that stated First Sergeant Pinion as female.
The operatives swapped quick looks and gestures before the man on the bed sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He took off his maroon ball cap, and ran a hand through his hair before replacing it. He was much older than the others, sported a few days worth of gray stubble on his chin, and looked surprisingly healthy. He was lean, muscular and his eyes were bloodshot.
"Well," The Captain said in a hoarse voice, "I'm Sergeant Malakai and this is the part where i give a short but sweet speech on how we're all a new team and that its going to be great serving with you." He chuckled, "It's not gunna happen. For different reasons, we've come together to make Joker squad and in eight hours were loading up on a shuttle for a really fun cruise. Don't tell anyone, it's a secret. Okay, Now, I've planned for a little workout in the gym, an exercise to feel each other out so-"
Malakai stopped his speech and stared at the two soldiers facing the window, completely ignoring him. Christopher turned towards them in confusion, wondering what they were thinking. Alex and Banzai were studying space, brows scrunched up in confusion as they did so. Suddenly the confusion was gone and Alex, their sniper, suddenly shouted, "OH SHIT!" as she dove to the ground. Banzai and Malakai quickly followed suit. Christopher turned towards the window and saw a group of ships quickly coming out of a jump, far too close to the station itself. A fraction of a second later, they collided with an ungodly crash. For minutes metallic alloys shredded each other, and both ship and station were crippled.
Christopher tried to secure himself as he rolled about the turning room. His vision was obscured by the cloud of dust and debris released by the collision, so he flew wildly before the Battle Station managed to reposition itself. When the rolling stopped, his teammates were scattered about the room, most of the lights were busted, the beds overturned, and one of the storage chests had released its contents onto the floor.
Banzai was the first on his feet, lending a helping hand to Alex. Malakai looked out the window, at the group of enemy ships boarding the station. Then he put his seasoned militaristic brain to use and told them to find the nearest armory.The passageways were nothing short of frantic as Joker Squad joined the mass of running soldiers, and overhead the red danger lights flashed continuously. There was a loud series of small explosions, emitting from far down the hall and followed by pain filled screams.
Malakai took up point as the crowd began to move together, away from the explosions and yells of terror. They moved strategically, armed soldiers bringing up the rear and repelling any attacks from the enemy. Christopher was among those few, who managed to obtain weapons and cover there friend's retreat. After minutes of exhausting running, Malakai pulled his soldiers soldiers into a separate, smaller passage, littered with supply boxes and equipment. Time being of the essence, they rummaged through the crates, until they came across one marked 'firearms'.With a swift punch, Corporal Shimoto cracked it open and distributed pistols to his fellow operatives, along with two spare clips. Those would do until they could find better.
Joker Squad left the area moments later and tactically trotted through the labyrinth of maintenance halls until they came to the Battle Station's Upper Balcony. Captain Malakai led the way onto the platform, followed by Christopher, Alex, and Banzai. Two enemy snipers were hunched over the rail at the edge of the balcony, high powered rifles in hand, firing into the battle on the deck, hundreds of feet below them. The maintenance door screeched as it flew open and both the marksmen turned toward the squad. The first raised his rifle in Chris's direction, before Banzai squeezed off three rounds center mass. The second actually fired before a bullet planted itself in his skull. Alex sidestepped the shot that would've proved fatal.
Joker Squad advanced onto the balcony and moved to the edge to view the spectacle of battle below. Malakai stopped to check a fallen soldier's vitals, but to no avail. Sergeant Pinion, Alex, helped herself to a sniper rifle while Banzai and Christopher scavenged what they could off the dead.
After gearing up on equipment, the squad gathered at the rail of the platform. Below them, a bloody battle raged between Earth's Forces, the noble Grivvens, and the bloodthirsty invaders. The invaders of the Battle Station, four alien species who had declared war on E-12 and E-13 years ago, appeared to have gained the upper hand in the battle.
Christopher began to analyze his Allie's positions. The First Sergeant wasted no time in fighting, Alex was repeatedly squeezing off shots, every time taking the heavy recoil that the high powered rifle inflicted. Malakai was also peering through his scope but instead of firing he had his rifle aimed at the human's side of the conflict. Like Christopher, he was checking there numbers, position, and status. He soon looked up from his scope and said, "We've got a place down there, so let's hustle."
Then he sped off, followed by his team. |
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BustedFlush
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| Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:04 am Post subject: |
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| It was a very good story, but you left why the war was being fought. |
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Torpid
The Rocker from Rohan
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| Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:09 am Post subject: |
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everybody go to war of e-13...this post is too complicated for me.
p.s. i know, i will add more storyline. i always start off with action though..usually, lol |
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