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Dynamo
Master of Plot Devices Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 2078 Reviews: 87 Country: A wizard did it. 315 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:45 am Post subject: Dragon Knight Legacy - Prologue |
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Yes, I know it seems long but bare with me. If you see any grammer or spelling errors please let me know. And if you have any suggestions on how I can inprove my story, do hesitate to let me know.
There have been many theories of how the universe was created, but only one is true. Billions of years ago before the "Big Bang" there was a being of divine power believed to be more powerful than all the Gods combined, Krazatan, The Chaos Dragon. Over time, with infinite power but nothing to use it on, the all-powerful dragon grew insane and unleashed its power on the empty void of space. The power of 10 billion super novas split apart the blood red dragon into five separate spirits. Fire... Thunder... Ice... Darkness... Light... The spirits ended up on the planet known as Earth. They turned into dragons and thus gained the names, "The Five Earth Dragons." Civilizations fell under their towering stature, and terrifying power. When all hope was gone, as if out of no where, a species of winged super humans appeared to fight the dragons. Defeat fell upon the dragons but immediately after their deaths they turned into eggs and were reborn, more powerful than before. Thus, the vicious cycle went on. These winged species of super humans were the only ones powerful enough to defeat the Earth Dragons, which gave their race the title of "Dragon Knights."
A thousand years later, the Dragon Knights finally figured out a way to break the dragons' rebirth cycle. They gathered all the greatest mages in the world and with their powers they sealed all the Earth Dragons' negative energies into a single sword, the "Tenjin." The dragons then became peaceful in their new world and started living among the other creatures of the planet. The people of that time started fighting over who should keep the Tenjin. The Dragon Knights refused to hand over the mighty blade of their race to the feeble minded humans. Thus, war broke out between the humans and the Dragon Knights. The humans, on a scale of ten to one, outnumbered the Dragon Knights, but the strength of their race evened out the odds. The war went on for five thousand years. Most of the soldiers forgot what they were fighting for. Then one dreadful morning the sun disappeared, an eclipse called "The Darkest Omen" began. The spiritual energies that came forth from the eclipse aggravated the Earth Dragons and gave them the moment they needed to regain their powers. As the ground shoook the Earth Dragons ran wild with an anger that couldn't be stopped. With the eclipse still ever present and the Earth Dragons terrorizing the planet, the Dragon Knights came to be yet again. With multiple caves that opened from the shaking ground, the Dragon Knights found ruins and pictures depicting the slayings and rebirths of the Earth Dragons.
The slayings began with the knights hoping that the dragons would be weaker and that they might be able to harness them again. They would collect the eggs before they hatched and put them in solitude, deep inside the Earth. Something went terribly wrong as the first Earth Dragon was slain, there was no egg as there should be. Again as the next dragon was killed there was no egg. At the end of their decade and with the last slain dragon, the knights thought all was well. That was until the eclipse, that had lasted the entire decade, started to glow red. It started with the death of the first Earth Dragon but they had thought is was a sign that they were doing all things right. As the new eclipse started to emit heat and immense light it finally exploded, thus creating Krazatan, The Chaos Dragon.
Armies of the world fell under the immense power of the newly formed dragon. Even the mighty Dragon Knights were no match for Krazatan. When all hope was lost, when the eve of destruction was at hand, a mysterious Dragon Knight wielding a magic sword appeared. He was said to be half human, perhaps an original descendant of the first Dragon Knights. With unimaginable powers, he was the first being able to wield this magical sword, the Tenjin. With the powers of Fire, Thunder, Ice, Drakness, and Light combined it was powerful enough to destroy the Chaos Dragon. It has been said that the Chaos Dragon uttered his prophecy in perfect english, that he would return every five thousand years, on the eve of the eclipse, The Darkest Omen. Unfortunately the half human Dragon Knight sacrificed his own life to protect all of humanity, and the Tenjin was lost. No one who lives knows what happened to it, except perhaps the Earth Dragons.
With the death of Krazatan, the Earth Dragons regained their spirits, but were peaceful and lived with the humans for many years. The Dragon Knights had perished during the onslaught of Krazatan, though but a few were rumored to still live amongst the unsuspecting. Some say that one day the Tenjin will show up and fall into the hands of a true Dragon Knight, one with a pure heart, that will keep the peace and take care of the Earth. It will find its way to the descendant of the Legendary Dragon Knight...
So what do you think? Pretty cool, eh? If you have any questions about the prologue of my story, or if you have any healthy critisism, please let me know. And, in case you were wondering, the Dragon Knights are NOT armored soldiers with lances that you see in most video games. |
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Dynamo
Master of Plot Devices Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 2078 Reviews: 87 Country: A wizard did it. 315 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:49 am Post subject: |
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| Sorry, at the top of my first messaage where it says, "do hesitate to let me know." I meant to say, "do 'not' hesitate to let me know." Didn't mean to overlook that. |
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J. Haux
Jacquie Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 14 Sep 2005 Posts: 436 Reviews: 171
300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:08 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to YWS, Dynamo!
You want to know something helpful?
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| Sorry, at the top of my first messaage where it says, "do hesitate to let me know." I meant to say, "do 'not' hesitate to let me know." Didn't mean to overlook that. |
There's a button for editing at the top of each post you make. Isn't that wonderful? Then you'll know people aren't hesitating to critique because of such an error.
Sorry I can't give a critique right now. While you're waiting, you can critique a couple other people's work or read the rules.
~Jacquie~ |
_________________ SPEW to You |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
lvl20 Necromancer/lvl15 Fighter Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 21 Apr 2005 Posts: 1270 Reviews: 375 Country: The real world 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:08 am Post subject: |
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| now that is a sweet story, sounds a little like the matrix, the one frees the people, dies, new one to save the people again, it is a really good start to a hopefully equally good story, keep it up, and keep posting, i will be hear to read it all. |
_________________ Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.
Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 3790 Reviews: 661 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 7:48 am Post subject: |
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| Would you like this to be moved to Fantasy Fiction? |
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QED: The mathematical equivalent to 'Booyeah!" |
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Dynamo
Master of Plot Devices Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 2078 Reviews: 87 Country: A wizard did it. 315 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for replying to my post. It means a lot to me that people would take the time to read my stuff. It took me about a year and a half just to finish the whole rough draft of my story. I put a lot of heart into the things I write. When I get the good copy of my story finished, I plan to get it published just like Christopher Paolini and "Eragon."
By the way, I don't want this to be moved to Fantasy Fiction. This is just the prologue of my story, explaining where I'm coming from with my ideas. The actual story itself consists of the main character traveling around an ancient continent called Horagothien hunting down the dragon that ruined his life.
(The quote below is the philosophy I live by) |
_________________ "Bill, I'm sorry to interupt you but I have breaking news. For more on this lets go Bill Jenkins in the results room."
"Jim, you're interupting my report to cut to my report...What the hell is the matter with you?" |
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Ani May Queen
Storyteller Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 03 Jan 2006 Posts: 303 Reviews: 34 Country: Here 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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Great start, it sounds one of those movies were you see some old wise man reading a prophsey out of a old, large book. I didn't really like the fact that dragons are evil in your story, but I'll deal with it. Anyways, so far this is really good and I hope you continue, I'd love to read more.
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| When I get the good copy of my story finished, I plan to get it published just like Christopher Paolini and "Eragon." |
Me too! Good luck with that!
P.S. Sorry if you wanted me to critique, I'm not good with them. I'm the kind of person who can't tell anyone that's better than her that they did something bad or wrong. |
_________________ Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - Jules de Gaultier |
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Dynasty cow
Writer
 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 68 Reviews: 44 Country: i am disgiused as one of the various objects on your desk 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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| The plot was good , so was the plot but you should have put more discription . i would expect much less from a 16 year old (you,meaning that your writing is very advanced ). keep on writing |
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Jiggity
The Sinister Jigster Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 18 Nov 2005 Posts: 1791 Reviews: 574 Country: Australia 345 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 2:02 am Post subject: |
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Okay, you want critique, then prepare yourself.
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| Billions of years ago before the "Big Bang" there was a being of divine power believed to be more powerful than all the Gods combined, Krazatan, The Chaos Dragon. |
there is something very wrong with this sentence.
First off, the "Big Bang". Why is it being mentioned here. Correct me if im wrong but isnt the Big Bang a science-based theory as to how our world started? It has or shouldn't have any bearing at all in a story about another world.
Secondly "a being of divine power" that doesn't sit right with me.How can a creature of Chaos be divine? Maybe you could change that to "a being of infinite power".
Thirdly "more powerful than all the Gods combined," If there were Gods back then why did they not create the world or have anything to do with the creation of the world; with the creation of man. Also were they not jealous or fearful of the Great Dragon's power? Maybe you could revise that part and make it so that a Celestial War broke out and the massive amounts of energy somehow blah blah blah, see where Im going?
Also where did this dragon come from. You dont end up explaining how anything was created, certainly not the universe. You just say that he exploded and that the remnants of his spirit landed on Earth (which just mysteriously appeared?)
I may seem harsh, but Im just trying to show you that if your going to explain how the universe was created then you'd best cover everything. One last thing; something as fantastical and magical as your story is turning out to be, might be better if told in the form of somone telling the story to other ppl. Like a grandfather enetertaining his grandchildren or something.
Other than all that your fine and its well written.
Thats all I have to say. |
_________________ Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail
Got YWS?
To escape hypocrisy is to loathe one's self. |
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Dynamo
Master of Plot Devices Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 2078 Reviews: 87 Country: A wizard did it. 315 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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Just to let you all know, if you get a chance to read more of my story you'll find out that the dragons aren't actually evil. But, rather they are evil in the eyes of man. Man fear what they do not understand, and that is why the Dragon Knight Legacy was writen in the views of man.
And by the way, JiqSaw, the Big Bang that was mentioned in the prologue, it wrote it as being created by the Chaos Dragon. "The power of 100 billion supernovas split apart the dragon into five seporate spirits." And the story is not taking place in another world, its taking place on Earth. The story itself is being told on a continent that gets destroyed due to an epic battle in the end of my seiries. (destryoed as in what happined to Atlantis) If you read more closely you would have noticed that bit about Earth. About the part of chaos being divine, that will be left for later in my story. And its "divine power," it doesn't mean that the creature itself is divine, only that its powers were so great that they seemed divine. When it says, "more powerful than all the gods combine." Remember, this is in the views of man. At their time they believed that gods did exist and some even believed that Krazatan created them all in the explosion, although it wasn't relivent enough to mention in the prologue. The dragon was originally created before the universe. Most of the legacy is based on theory, no one knows where the dragon came from. I don't mean to be harsh with my replies.
And by the way, you all can be as harsh as you want to me with your critisism. Its goood for me, it gives me a perspective of how everyone, not just me, thinks of what I write. I will not be angry, nor will I be hurt with any future critisism.
(P.S. Thankyou, JiqSaw, for your insightful critisism.) |
_________________ "Bill, I'm sorry to interupt you but I have breaking news. For more on this lets go Bill Jenkins in the results room."
"Jim, you're interupting my report to cut to my report...What the hell is the matter with you?" |
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Samuel Garrison
To arms! Tis thy Rebel Army! Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 27 Joined: 27 Sep 2005 Posts: 1552 Reviews: 293 Country: Native Vermonter. 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 2:16 am Post subject: |
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I thought the Big Bang was meant when the dinosaurs were wiped out. That was my first thought.
I do have one question; what are these Gods? Who are they before the Chaos Dragon? And what was their role?
Other than that, this is a cool story, I think. I like dragons so this got my interest right away. I didn't catch any grammar errors, so kudos to you on that.
I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into this story; it does show. I'll try and check back and read the next installment. |
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230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007 |
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Dynamo
Master of Plot Devices Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 2078 Reviews: 87 Country: A wizard did it. 315 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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To answer your question, fishr, the fact about the gods you are talking about is being left open to give my readers something to think about. You have to remember, I wrote this Legacy as a legend written by the theories of man. Man in this story believes that the gods were created by Krazatan during the Big Bang. No solid proof of this is presented though. I'm giving my readers a chance to read "between the lines," so that their thoughts may contribute to what will happen later on in the story.
Before anyone else asks me any questions about my story, take a chance to think about what I wrote. Try to understand why I wrote it and how it may link up with my story later on. But, that's totally up to you. I'm just happy that you all show such interest in my work. |
_________________ "Bill, I'm sorry to interupt you but I have breaking news. For more on this lets go Bill Jenkins in the results room."
"Jim, you're interupting my report to cut to my report...What the hell is the matter with you?" |
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