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The Guardian [1] (Edited)



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Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:57 pm
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Shearwater says...



Wow, I've been away for a long time... But I finally found the inspiration I was searching for.
The Guardian is a new title I'm working on and hopefully I can finish it. :D


~Pink

P.s. If you've read Keepers, then you'll probably see some similarities...

The Guardian_____________________________________________________
::Chapter One::


Angeli’s feet stomped on the ground with every beat of her heart. Something was following her and she had a pretty good hunch at what it might be. She dashed around the corner of an alley and kept silent. Her back pressed against the bricks and sweat formed in her palms. She knew in the dark of the night, it was the demon’s game. She looked above at the radiating crescent moon as the shadows played with her mind but she kept herself still and unmoving. Even in the mist of darkness, there was a light. Hearing her breathing and pulse made her head spin. Did she escape? Was it gone?
Clack, clack, hushed footsteps came towards the entrance of the alley, a thick long shadow arose from the corner and she gasped. She slowly began raising her wrist which were now glowing a light blue hue. Black carvings of an arrow were drawn on her wrists, each Guardian was branded with a special weapon and she was branded with arrows. The deathly shadow seemed as if it was about to come alive and lift itself from the ground’s prison as it edged closer to her.
It stopped moving and then bolted into a run as fast as a ball off a slingshot. A scream ripped through her throat as she aimed her wrist at the demon.
“Angeli, wait!”
Shocked and confused, she lowered her hands. “Vaan?”
Vaan was her comrade, another Guardian, a member of the Academy whose mission was to vanquish evil and protect the innocent. “Chill, it’s just…me,” he heaved. He put his hands on his knees as he gasped for air. “Jesus, you run like a maniac. I couldn’t catch up.” He coughed once and then stood straight, his breathing still heavy.
“Jeez, it was just you?” Angeli laughed, her heart suddenly slowing down ten paces. “What happened?”
“I followed the demons halfway up to Queens but lost track of them. They still have the kids Angeli. It’s weird but,” he ruffled his blond hair, thinking hard, “They haven’t hurt any of them; they’re just…kidnapping them.”
With her knees weak from all the running, she sat on the floor. She annoyingly brushed her tangled hair back out of her eyes. “You don’t know that for sure,” she answered strictly. “Their parents are beyond frantic right now, how can we face them if we can’t find their babies?” She let out a curse.
Vaan crouched down next to her and patted her head. “We won’t let them get away.”
She nodded slowly. “Sorry for almost killing you, I thought I was being chased by a demon,” she muttered.
“Apology accepted,” he grinned. His voice suddenly became serious. “You know something, Angie, while I was tailing the demons I saw a man.”
“Who?” she asked surprised.
“I don’t know. He was dressed in a hooded black robe and he wasn’t following the demons, he was more like…directing them. I think he’s behind all these missing children cases lately. I bet if we find out who he is we can solve this.”
Her eyes wandered Vaan’s crisp blue eyes with reenergized hope. “That’s a start.”
He smiled. “But I wonder why he wants kids…”
“It doesn’t matter, he just needs to be stopped,” she said, standing up. “Alright, call T.T,” she ordered, finally devising a plan, “and find out where these demons are possibly headed. Then call the Academy and inform them about the hooded man. Once we get some leads, we’ll start over.”
“Aye, aye, Captain,” Vaan saluted. “I’ll call T.T first.” The T.T. was short for tracking team. They were a specialized branch in the Guardian Academy that was primarily used for tracking demons. Vaan reached into his pocket and pulled out a shiny oblong device better known as the Gphone.
It rang in his hands. “Huh,” he laughed, looking at the screen. “It’s the Headmaster.”
“Pick it up,” she said.
He clicked it on and held it up to his ear. “Headmaster Cory, is there something wrong?” He was silent for a moment and then covered the bottom of the Gphone and asked, “What happened to your phone?”
Angeli frowned. “I dropped it in the sewer…”
He made a grossed out face and then answered the Headmaster accordingly. “Yes, I understand, okay, Um, bye,” he said awkwardly. “I hate saying goodbyes over the phone,” he mumbled, clicking off the device.
“What did he say?”
“He wants to see you right now. Apparently he said it’s urgent and to get your butt down there as soon as possible.”
“Really?”
“Well, not the butt part but yeah…” Vaan shrugged.
“I wonder why he needs me…”
“I don’t know but you should go, I’ll take care of the rest right now.”
She nodded, knowing there wasn’t any other option. “Alright, make sure you meet up with Vera later.” Vera was another one of their comrades. Together they were squad number 628 and one of the most accomplished teams with still a clean streak of zero failed missions.
“Alright, I know what to do, you don’t have to tell me everything,” he argued, shooing her. “Just go to the Academy and see what the Headmaster wants.”
She huffed, “Alright.”
She quickly made her way back to the Academy. The large stone building was old and looked like a prestigious English school. She pushed her way through the heavy metal doors and entered the main hallway. Her footsteps echoed through the dimly lit corridors. Guardians had many Academies located all around the world, preparing future warriors was their goal.
She cautiously made her way towards the Headmaster’s office. Recently she had been placed on a mission to find the whereabouts of three children who had been kidnapped by civilians called ‘monsters’. Although she knew they were demons, souls which aroused from the underworld to wreck havoc and satisfy their bloodlust.
She wondered why she was needed suddenly; it wasn’t like the Headmaster to pull her out of a mission just to say a few words. It might be something important...
She opened the crimson doors of his Office and entered the fire lit room. His oval office had only one large window and a crescent shaped desk with a stack of papers a mile high. She looked at the old man who sat in the velvet leather chair behind the desk with large spectacles.
“Angeli Willows, welcome,” he greeted with a smile. His slender body was dressed in a brown vest and white button down shirt. “I’m sorry to have called you out so late,” he said in his husky voice.
“It’s alright, Headmaster, my team is still on the case regarding the missing children. I’m sure they can handle the rest by themselves.”
“I actually have some disappointing news for you,” he frowned, showing the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth.
“What is it?” she asked in a soldier-like stance.
“I know it’s wrong of me to pull you out of a mission but there’s something I want you to do for me.” He lifted himself off the chair and rounded his desk, facing her one on one. “I need you to go to the Temple of Light and pay a visit to the Sisters.”
“Huh?” she asked shocked. For all she knew, the Temple of Light was a sacred place where the Sisters worshiped the Light. The Sisters of Light were like nuns, devoted themselves to the Light and everything it touches.
“There is a boy there, his name is Aiden Ryder,” Headmaster Cory picked at his glasses. “You are to go to the Temple and bring me back this boy, safe and sound, understand?”
“Of course, sir. I didn’t know we had other contacts at the temple of the light.” For all she knew, only the Sisters were allowed to stay there permanently.
“We aren’t supposed to,” he frowned. He said something else but she couldn’t comprehend what it was.
“Sir, if I may ask. Who is he?”
“He’s the child of my departed daughter.” He slid his hands behind his back and looked out the window. “Angeli, I’m leaving my grandson’s life to you. He is… a target of some very bad people, I can’t explain every detail to you now but I believe you don’t need details in order to protect him.”
She simply nodded, knowing that was true. As long as the Headmaster said it, she would do it because that was her job.
“Why me, though?” She bit her lip, why did I even ask that?
He turned his eyes on her and smiled. “Do you remember your very first mission, Angeli? There was a village in the Southern part of South America which was being threatened by some demons. You were sent there to investigate and the demons were extremely smart hiding themselves and attacking at random times at night that it was nearly impossible to find their location? Even the T.T was having a hard time then. But you didn’t exactly give up, now did you?”
She remembered her first mission which was filled with sweat and tears. The countless numbers of civilians that lost their lives and the casualties that took place. It had changed her perspective on a lot of things.
“You worked tirelessly for five months, searching every corner for any clues until you finally found them. Even when the Covenant wanted to shut the mission down, you forced your team to stay behind and finish it.” The corners of his mouth lifted. “That’s why I picked you.”
She smiled. “I won’t disappoint you.”
He reached over his desk and pulled open a drawer, taking out a scroll. “This is the map to the Temple and I trust that only your eyes will read this.” He handed her the ancient scroll. “The temple’s location is absolute secret, watch your back carefully and be careful,” he warned.
“Yes, sir,” she stated.
He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. “Be careful, Angeli and good luck.”
She left his office feeling some sort of heavy burden. The Office had another Gphone ready for her and she stopped by to pick it up. Gphones were able to track team mates, act as a GPS, be used as a cellphone and walky talky.
She went to her dorm, pulled out her duffle bag and began packing. Once she was done she called Vaan.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Vaan, it’s me.” She had a few questions she wanted to ask him and set out the last few details of the mission before she left.
“Angeli,” he laughed. “What did the Headmaster say?”
“Unfortunately, I have to take off, I have a new mission.”
“What?” he spat. “What other mission?”
“Top secret,” I smiled.
“Ugh,” he groaned.
“Listen, I just wanted to say that you…are not allowed to fail this mission just because I’m not there, understood?”
“For the last time, don’t worry about it. Some of your hard headedness has rubbed off on me, you know?”
She rolled her eyes and opened the scroll. “I’ll tell you which continent I’ll be in though.”
“Okay…”
“China.”
“That’s kinda far, don’t you think?”
“Just a little. Anyway, have you met up Vera yet?”
“Yeah, she’s here, want to talk to her?”
“No thanks,” she answered. “She talks too much.” She knew Vera to be a very bubbly, loud and talkative person.
“When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow morning. I’ll call you later since I still have some things left to do.”
“Alright then…Good luck Angie,” Vaan said.
“Thanks, same to you.” She turned off the phone and set it down. She opened her laptop and booked the next flight to Beijing. She wondered who Aiden was that he had so many enemies. She never even knew of his existence so who could possibly even know of him? Why was he at the Temple? Questions dug into her mind one by one until she had a headache. She rested on her bed and turned off her lights, hoping to catch some sleep.
Last edited by Shearwater on Thu Jul 22, 2010 4:53 am, edited 3 times in total.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 4:08 am
RacheDrache says...



Well, that was certainly a whirlwind of a chapter. You introduced your main character, introduced the plot, got your character halfway across the world, got your character to her destination, got your character to her goal, got the goal on board, introduced all the prophecy... all in one.

It's a bit too much to take in. Too much crammed into too little space. And, on top of that, unless you have some furious and fierce plot twists up your sleeve, chances are the reader's going to figure out the rest of the novel before this chapter's even up, and that's no fun at all, and certainly not what you intended.

I think you have two main options and a spectrum in between them to fix this problem.

Option One: Slow it down. Take these events and turn them into individual chapters. Her meeting with the headmaster as one. Her planning of the trip. Her getting to the Temple. Her conversation with the Sister and with Aiden. And, throughout each of those chapters, spread out the information. The reader doesn't need to know everything right away. Pose just a few more questions than you answer, and the reader will keep reading.

Option Two: Drop the reader into the story from further along, maybe right when she walks in to meet Aiden. And don't feel the need to explain everything that's going on, either.

And the spectrum: you drop the reader in when she lands in China, for instance, and then add in another chapter or two.

Or your own option. Just something to keep the reader from being overwhelmed by all this stuff. No reason to rush it.

Next up. Dialogue tags. Maybe these were just typos, but make sure you've got the direct tags punctuated like direct tags and the indirects as indirects.

You can't bow "Yes, Sister" after all, or smile any speech. So make sure it's "Yes, Sister." She bowed. and She smiled. "But translating..." with the periods. And your direct's should be in the standard "I like cake," whispered Bob. or Bob mumbled, "I like cake." formats.

And... remember that old writing adage about showing, not telling. You lapse into quite a bit of telling here, and that's boring for the reader. The good news is, a lot of the 'telling' is a product of the crammed feel of this chapter--or maybe all the telling is making this feel cramped.

Either way, by showing us Angie's feelings and thoughts and such rather than telling us about them (she's nervous, confused, whatever) you can characterize more deeply, in the process give readers characters to root for, achieve the balance that'll keep readers engaged, etc.

That's the bulk of it, I think. My last comment is about the Chinese. Well, not the Chinese itself, but the fact that you refer to it as Chinese. Because really, "Chinese" is just a term that's come to describe any of the dialects of Chinese, which are in fact separate languages but, for political reasons, called dialects. So, do a little research and make sure you have the right dialect for whatever area you have Ang flying into it, and refer to it not as Chinese but by the dialect's name. Seems like something Ang might know :) ([/linguistics nerd rant]

Let me know if you have any questions! I hope this helps!

Rach
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:42 am
borntobeawriter says...



Hiya Pink!

So happy to have you back. *does a happy dance*

Well, I've read Keepers, let's see how this one goes.

Underworld to wreck havoc and satisfy their own bloodlust.
Wreak

“What is it?” She asked. She kept herself in a poise position, like a soldier.
hmm you're going to have to brush up on your dialogue punctuation. The 's' should not be capitalised.

“I know it’s wrong of me to suddenly pull you out of a mission and sent you away somewhere else
send

She nodded, knowing that out of all the Guardians in the Northern Academy she was most fit to do this job. “I understand.”
Okay, why? The Headmaster's already mentioned that she's the only one for this particular job, why is it necessary for her to say this if she doesn't give any backstory, any reason for it? Maybe you could have her repeat this in her head after the discussion and she'll think back to why it should be her. Just a thought.

The body walked forward, the demons shark like teeth were dripping with saliva.
demon's

Her blue eyes were inviting and warm as the women extended her hand to her.
woman. Maybe reread your chappy because you wrote it this way quite a few times. :D

Well, I'm done! Pink, I have to agree with what Rach said. So many things happen at once and it's kinda mind boggling. Unless you have like 10 other major events upcoming, cut this piece into chapters. I would love to know more about Angie, about why she's the one for the job. About how she feels. Is this her first time on a lone mission?

The story is very interesting, though, but Rach is right; for now, it sounds pretty predictable. Don't let it be predictable in the 1st chapter, it'll bore your readers. Then again, maybe you have some major upcoming twists. I have faith in you, friend. :D

Hope this was helpful.
Tanya :D
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 4:32 pm
Shearwater says...



Thanks guys, I've cut out half the stuff and tried to make it shorter and less predictable.
Still working on it and editing things, this is all I have so far.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Mon Jul 19, 2010 12:39 am
borntobeawriter says...



And I am back for a second review!!

They shadows played with her mind but she kept herself poise and unmoving
The and poised

“I am the number one Guardian here, you will not take me…I …I.”
Slightly confused. Was she talking to herself? If yes, this needs to be in italics. If not, add a dialogue tag because I couldn't figure out who she was saying this to.

He wants to you see him
ha ha - huh?

She dusted herself off. “You can handle the rest right?”
comma after 'rest'

“I’ll leave it to you then.” She started walking but stopped. “
comma after 'you'

“What is it?” She asked. She kept herself in a poise position, like a soldier
poised

[quoteYou spent six months on that never losing hope and never giving up because it was your duty to protect the innocent][/quote] not sure what you meant here, but if I'm not mistaken, there should be a comma after 'that'

Well, Pink, much better than the first version, great work on giving us a bit of backstory although you could have included it in the dialogue with Vaan I think. Sort of like, "we've been searching for two weeks and the parents are getting frantic..."
If only those people know that what goes bump in the night is actually demons, not monsters."

Anyway, make sense? Great version, love it and can't wait to keep reading!

Tanya :D
  





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Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:28 am
*coco says...



Hiya, Pink! Thanks for the request - how could I possibly say no when your reviews have been what has kept me going for my story :D

Right, onto the review now - I hope it helps!

PinkShearwater wrote:Angeli ran, her feet stomping [I think you should come up with a better word. Stomping is a word I associate with marching] on the ground with the beating of her heart [this sentence seems odd to me, your trying to connect her feet and her heart together but I think they should be separated by a comma so it sounds something like this 'Angeli ran...., her heart beating heavily in her chest']. She dashed around the corner [the corner of where? a building? an alleyway?] and kept silent, listening [I think this whole opening paragraph could be made a little bit more exciting. Try playing out the events in your head as ask yourself how can I get the reader excited. Describe more of the surroundings and the eeriness of the night or the thoughts going through your MC's head]. In the dark of the night, it was their game [I think this sentence interrupts the previous one. You ended with your character listening, so you should continue with something like 'But she heard nothing, except the sound of her own heartbeat, yet she was not to be fooled. Her pray was here, lurking somewhere in the night, for it was their game.' Do you see how much more interesting that sounds and it flows too]. Their shadows [suddenly appeared before her, playing devilishly] with her mind, but she kept herself poised and unmoving [I think 'still' would be a better word to use]. She could hear [the heaviness of] her own breathing as [a] pair of footsteps made their way towards her. She moved her hand over her belt [and took a deep breath], forcing her heart to calm down. A shadow of a long figure [began to] appear on the floor in front of her. She gulped.
You can't take me, can't…I …I'll.... [I'm not sure about the dialogue here] Through the alley, he [shouldn't demons be 'it'] appeared, running [zooming would suit the 'slingshot' description] towards her like a ball off a slingshot.
She pulled up her wrist [I'm not understanding this line] and pointed them at the demon. “I’ll kill you!” [Again, I'm not totally getting what's going on here]
“Angeli! Wait!”
Shocked, she lowered her hands. “Vaan?”
Vaan huffed, leaning down and catching his breath. “It’s just me. I followed the demons halfway up to Queens but lost track of them. The kids…they still have them.” [You need to rearrange this sentence - right now it sounds like the kids have the demons captive when in fact it's supposed to be the other way round]
Angeli sat down and brushed her fingers through her tangled hair, annoyed. “We can’t let the demons get away with the children, it’s too cruel [that's obvious so it's unnecessary to mention]!” She stared at her feet in a daze. “The parents are beyond frantic right now. If we can’t find their children, how can we face them?”
“I know…”
“Oh…and sorry about that [elaborate. this is the perfect time to explain to the readers what was going on in the beginning. who was chasing who? things like that]. I thought you were a demon. I almost killed you.”
Vaan crouched down. “I’m used to it,” he grinned. His voice suddenly became serious. “While I was following them, I saw someone. He wasn’t a demon but he was following [repetition of 'following'], no…more like directing the demons. I think he’s with them [helping them you mean].”
Angeli opened her eyes. “What are you talking about?” she asked surprised.
“All these cases of missing children…maybe someone out there is planning them?” Vaan rustled his blond hair and let out an aspirated sigh.
“But who would want to kidnap kids?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “It’s just a hunch.”
She knotted her fingers together on her lap, thinking of a plan. “Okay, inform the T.T. on the possible direction the demons are headed, then notify the Headmaster about the man. We’ll meet up with Vera and decide our next move.”
“Aye, aye Captain.” Vaan reached into his jeans and pulled out a black oblong device which rang in his hands.
“Who is it?”
“Huh,” he cracked a smile. “It’s the Headmaster.” He quickly clicked it on and held it to his ear. “Yes, Headmaster? Ah…yes, I understand.” He looked at her, put his phone down and then frowned. “He wants to see you.” He looked at his device. “Why did he call on my tracker?”
Angeli gave a nervous laugh. “I dropped mine in the sewer.”
“Gross.” He stood up and offered her a hand. “He said it was urgent…”
She dusted herself off. “You can handle the rest, right?”
He nodded. “I’ll catch up with Vera and we’ll continue with the mission. If anything happens…I’ll call you.”
“I’ll leave it to you, then.” She started walking but stopped. “By the way, I won’t forgive you if you can’t find those kids.”
He smirked. “I know, I don’t think I'd want to disappoint you.”
She grinned. “I’ll contact you later.”
Angeli’s footsteps echoed in the dark corridor of the Northern Academy. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she cautiously made her way towards the Headmaster’s office. When she entered the silent room, Headmaster Cory was sitting in his chair with a stack of papers on his desk. His green eyes made their way towards her and he smiled.
“Angeli Willows, welcome,” he said in a whisper [why is he whispering?]. It was late at night and she was in the middle of a mission when she had been summoned. She came running here, knowing the meaning of this meeting wasn’t going to be a pleasant one [shouldn't this be mentioned while she's walking up to his office instead of when she's inside his office?]. “I’m so sorry to call you suddenly but I was running out of options.”
She nodded, “It’s alright, Headmaster, my team is still on the case of the missing children. I’m sure they can handle the rest by themselves.” Recently she had been placed on a mission to find the whereabouts of three children who had been kidnapped by what the civilians called ‘monsters’. She knew for a fact that they were actually demons, souls that aroused from the Underworld to wreck havoc and satisfy their own blood-lust. [Again, I think this should be mentioned earlier, perhaps when she and Vaan are discussing the mystery man]
“Actually I have some disappointing news for you,” he frowned.
“What is it?” She asked. Keeping herself in a soldier-like stance.
“I know it’s wrong of me to suddenly pull you out of a mission and sent you away somewhere else but I needed it to be you. No one else can do this job.” His mouth twisted and she could see the wrinkles at the corners of his lips. “I need you to go to the Temple of light and visit the Sisters.”
She blinked. The Sisters of the Light were a group of women who worshiped the light. They were like nuns, devoting themselves to the Light and everything that it touches [while I like the concept make sure you're careful the way you go about describing this. Right now I feel like you're saying that they worship the Light (may include fire, moon, sun, etc) and they worship everything this Light touches...but the light touches EVERYTHING so that would mean these women worship EVERYTHING? Do you see?]. It was one of the holiest places in the world.
“There is a boy there, his name is Aiden Ryder,” Headmaster Cory picked at his glasses and yawned. “Excuse me,” he apologized. “Anyway, you are to go to the temple and bring Aiden to me. Safe and sound, understand?”
“Of course sir. I didn’t know we had other contacts at the Temple of Light.”
“We aren’t supposed to,” he frowned. “At that time, it was my only choice…” [the last part of this confuses me? what does he mean?]
“Sir, if I may ask, who is he?”
“He’s the child of my departed daughter.” He slid his hands behind his back and frowned. “Angeli, I believe that only you could actually protect him without any second thoughts [again, this sounds odd].” He gave a soft laugh. “Do you remember your first mission? You spent six months on 'that mission' repetition, never losing hope and never giving up because it was your duty to protect the innocent [mention which innoccent she was looking after then]. You take this job very seriously, more than others here. That’s why I only trust you with his life.”
She felt a blooming in her heart [not a fan of this line, there are better ways to describe her emotions]. It was first time the Headmaster ever praised her like that. “I won’t disappoint you.”
He handed her an ancient looking scroll. “This is the map to the Temple. I trust that only your eyes will read this.”
She nodded. For my eyes only, she muttered.
He looked out the large window into the thickness of fog and hazy stars. “You may leave now.” [Is that it? No good luck or anything?]
She turned around with the scroll tightly held to her chest. She made her way to the office and picked up a new Tracker then went back to her room and dialed Vaan. He picked up after three rings.
“Hello?”
“Vaan, it’s me, Angeli and well, I have some bad news for you,” she answered, placing the scroll on her desk.
“Yikes…What is it?”
“The Headmaster has put me on a new mission.”
Oh, what is it?”
“I have to go to…” She unrolled the scroll and laughed. “China.”
“Whoa…that’s kinda far, don’t you think?”
“Just a little, anyways, just wanted to make sure you knew. Have you met Vera yet?”
“She’s here, hold on I’ll put her on.”
She heard a ruffled noise over the phone then some silence.
“ANGIE!” Vera shrieked. Angeli pulled the phone away from her ear before she went deaf. “Why? Why are you leaving?”
“I have a new mission, I gotta be someone’s bodyguard. Don't worry, I’ll be back before you know it.”
She whimpered. “I can’t believe you’re leaving me with the nut.”
“Hey! I’m not a nut!” She heard Vaan scream over the phone.
“You know we never get along,” Vera complained, hearing more scraping over the line.
“Stop fighting,” Angeli laughed. “You’ll hurt him.”
“He started it,” Vera argued.
“How old are you guys? Nine?” Angeli asked.
“He’s nine! The boy’s brain isn’t even developed yet and he’s already this old!”
“Who’s old?” Vaan screamed in the back.
Vera sighed over the phone. “Exactly what is this mission about?”
Angeli frowned, knowing she wasn’t allowed to speak about it. “Top secret.”
“Ack, you always get the fun ones.”
“They’re not supposed to be fun, it’s a-”
“Duty,” Vera finished her sentence. “Yeah, yeah, we get it, Angie.” She let out a sigh, “I guess we’ll see you when you get back, then.”
“Yeah, take care and finish the mission or you’re all dead!”
She laughed. “Will do, Captain!”
“Alright, bye.”
“Nighty, night!”
She threw the phone onto the desk and then pulled out her laptop. She turned on expedia and booked the next flight to Beijing. She wondered why the Headmaster’s grandson was even at the Temple of Light. The Temple itself was sacred and only few Guardians knew about it. The less they knew, the safer the Temple was, that’s what she was told anyhow. She tapped her fingers on her desk, contemplating a plan.
First, she thought, she’d get her weapons in China then find the Temple, once she had the boy she’d quickly make her way to Shanghai, take a boat to Japan and fly over straight to New York again. She wasn’t sure why but she had a feeling Aiden was a target. The Headmaster clearly stated he wanted him safe so that meant there were probably people or demons after the boy.
She let out a deep sigh, closing her eyes. If that was the case, she was going to have a rough time by herself. She yawned, I’ll pack tomorrow.


Overall comments
The Plot was interesting. I'm looking forward to the adventure Angeli is going to have trying to get this boy. I'm also curious about why the demons are kidnapping children.

Room for Improvement
Dialogue - Your dialogue was at times uninteresting, cliche and and odd. The best way to prevent this from happening is to build personality profiles on each of your character's because different personalities mean different forms of dialogue. Also re-read what you write after you finish typing up. Ask yourself, does what this character say make sense? How can I make each character more individualistic and interesting when it comes to their dialogue?

Editing - You've had several mistakes here and there but that is nothing that a good solid editing session won't fix.

Elaboration - Your writing needs elaboration. Sometimes you mention things but you don't elaborate so readers are left wondering what is going on or what's happening. Try and write a story as though it's for an alien, explain everything, because although you know what's going on, your the writer so that's obvious you'd understand what is happening, your readers on the other hand might not. Try reading this to some friends or family and ask them if they have any questions which you can then go back and address.

Apart from that, I enjoyed this piece. Like I said, I'm excited to see what will happen in China and what this Adrian Ryder will be like.

Hope this has helped!

*coco
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕
  








Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud