Young Writers Society

they come out to play at night.

the yellow-eyed Monsters,
they hide in my closet
as my mind drifts to a plastic world where

the deaf hear
the blind see
the mute speak.

the red-eyed Monsters,
they crawl under my bed
as I dream a field of paper flowers.

blossoms pale and crisp
white petals curling
grass drenched in perfume.

the Monsters inside my head,
their claws tear
their fangs gnaw

they lick their lips and smile.

Hey blackbird,

To stop myself sounding like a broken record I'm going to mostly refer to my critique of your other poem, "Mannequin" and ask you to read my advice there, because it also applies to this effort.

Things like the "deaf hear" and the "blind speak" are at least legitimate attempts to subvert something, and that's encouraging. However, lingering there as lines on their own, they're weak and unsupported by your other stanzas. Don't be afraid to make yours lines longer, and more advanced.

I've seen poems about Monsters before and it's all a bit similar, red eyes, fangs, they're out at night (why aren't they out at day? I see plenty of monsters in the day, in my head, and outside), and it's just too familiar for me to gain anything from this.

Good luck in future revisions and new poems,

Cheers,

Jack.

Hyeaa

I'm here to review as requested. I'll start of with any nit-picks, grammatical errors or any spelling corrections that I have for you.

They come out to play at night.

The yellow-eyed Monsters,
they hide in my closet
as my mind drifts to a plastic world where

the deaf hear,
the blind see,
the mute speak.

The red-eyed Monsters,
they crawl under my bed
as I dream a field of paper flowers.

Blossoms pale and crisp,
white petals curling,
grass drenched in perfume.

The Monsters inside my head,
their claws tear,
their fangs gnaw.

They lick their lips and smile.

Overall

This was pretty good. It wasn't the best poem I've ever read, but it certainly wasn't the worst either. My favourite thing about this is probably the idea of the poem as a whole. What I like is the fact that the overall theme of this isn't about something annoyingly cliché, like love. Love poems really do get on my nerves sometimes. What I will say though is that for the theme of Monsters, it is rather cliché. I agree with what Firestarter said, the monster that you're describing has been described before. As for your spelling and grammar, it was pretty good. I found some grammatical errors though. The only reason for that though, I think, is because you didn't really think to use grammar. What you have to remember is the fact that the grammar in a poem is exactly the same as the grammar in any other piece of writing. Not many people seem to be aware of that. Although there was a small issue wit your grammar, your spelling was really good. I didn't find one misspelled word.

My main critique would be the fact that I think you need to be a bit more creative with this. You've got a nice start, I just think that you could expand what you already have and make it more interesting and creative. I'm not saying that this is not interesting or creative at all, I just think that it could be more interesting and creative. I've used the words interesting and creative loads... Sorry about that. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't be afraid to try some quirky, different stuff. I don't know whether it's just me but it feels as though you're playing it safe in some of these stanzas. Don't get me wrong, there were some lines in this that I thought were truly good. It's just that you need to make every line in this really good! If I were you, I'd maybe make the monster you're describing be a bit more unique. Like I said before, the way you described your monster was rather cliché. Remember, don't be afraid to try something new. Make it as though your monster doesn't even look like an everyday monster. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Basically,I want you to expand the creativity in this a bit.

Like usual when reviewing poems... I don't have anything else to say about this. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers say/have said and edit this up a bit. I can tell that this poem definitely does have potential, you just need to bring it out!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

I found this poem interesting, but I think that it needs some work.

It seems to just wander aimlessly. Maybe try and regiment it a little more. The randomness of it kinda threw me off. I mean, I'm not opposed to free verse, but I don't think it works in this case.

I did however, like the story it presented.

Overall, I think that it is a good effort, and with a little tweaking, this could be one heck of a poem.

I won't repeat what Skins said about the capitalization of the lines, but just be aware of that.

Cheers,
Pros

Hiya Blackbird12! I quite like this ...

blackbird12 wrote:they come out to play at night.

the yellow-eyed Monsters,
they hide in my closet
as my mind drifts to a plastic world where

the deaf hear
the blind see
the mute speak.

I have to admit, the line breaks bother me. Perhaps you could combine the first line with the next three. I love the description of a world as "plastic"; this lets me know right away that this will be some sort of a wild fantasy poem. However, everyone hopes for a world where the disabled can do the things they can't. Frankly, the second stanza itself is pretty cliche. I say, keep the concept, toss the words. That's what poetry is all about, right? It's the concepts.

blackbird12 wrote:the red-eyed Monsters,
they crawl under my bed
as I dream a field of paper flowers.

blossoms pale and crisp
white petals curling
grass drenched in perfume.

Ooh, I like this! It sort of reminds me of the Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." I can invison that field perfectly! However, I don't see the point of the last line here: "glass drenched in perfume." How does this have anything to do with "blossoms pale and crisp/white petals curling"?

blackbird12 wrote:the Monsters inside my head,
their claws tear
their fangs gnaw

they lick their lips and smile.

I love how the Monsters go from hiding in your closet to crawling under your bed to being inside your head. I love the poem overall. It just seems so scary yet silly, sort of like Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are. I hope you wanted the poem to seem sort of silly, because that's the path the descriptions of your thoughts and dreams took me on. Good luck!

I like your ideas, but I don't think this poem allows them to come to fruition. It's rather confusing when you speak about the deaf hearing, the blind seeing, etc., because I feel like this poem was about how something effected you and not others. I could be wrong, but hey?