Young Writers Society

Chapter One – Missing Faye

Fact Eight: Humans lost to suicide or high crime go against a Guardian Angel's record.

It wasn't a good day to die. There was a warm, fresh feel to the air as it filled his lungs and his head flushed with all the reasons there were to live. Bike rides up to the hills with – skinny dipping at the lake with – eating bread and jam on the lawn. With. That was what it all came down to, so many reasons to live except they all ended with her. They all ended with her. It wasn't a good day to die but it was the right way to go. With a fall, with a jump. The weight of humanity would bring him down and then... Splat! Toby looked at the hard concrete below his feet with a wry smirk. He took the chalk from his pocket. He marked an X on the floor and he wondered if it would be the last thing he saw.

Throwing and catching the chalk, Toby shifted his gaze to the building in front of him. It was a small, English hospital: a single building of five or six floors, taller than it was wide and completely incompetent. They were under-staffed and over-worked. Toby walked up to the deserted reception desk and rang the bell. It felt cold and smooth under his hand and gave out a delighted squeal. Bells like that shouldn't be allowed in a hospital.

The receptionist came through from the back, her face hidden behind a mass of paper work which she set down on her side of the glass and then looked out. Toby preferred looking at the paper to her face. It was thin and ugly with a nose like a pedigree dog's and two goggled eyes that always looked surprised to see anyone at their counter. Her name badge said she was called Jenny. She wasn't.

“Young Tobias,” she said with that sympathetic look she saved for the little ones. Such a shame, such a shame. “Go on up and see her. She's looking much better today.” This didn't seem to make much of a change to his expression but then, he was looking quite cheery already. A good thing too. Smiles suited Tobias, they gave the onlooker an excuse to bypass those oddly mix-matched eyes. Both could be described as blue-green but the left was more green and the right more blue as if they couldn't decide on a colour between them. He had a rather full face. And nice cheek bones, Velma thought as he started away with a soft, “Thank you.” Then again high cheek bones always suited the little girls better, such a shame he got them from his mother's side, they would have looked very well on his half sister.

Toby rounded the corner. There was a flight of stairs to one side, the steps turning back on themselves after each floor and next to those a large lift. A polite notice advised that the hospital would like it very much if able bodied people took the stairs instead. Toby didn't like the hospital.

Selecting the third floor, he waited impatiently, glowering at the door. Open... open... open! He walked out and reeled a little as the smell hit him. It wasn't the old people smell, they were kept on the lower floors, it was the smell of disinfectant and cleanliness, it was the smell of a building that covered up its deaths with another spray of the air freshener. He tried to block it out. He approached the first room and turned in. Room 301.

There were four beds, two at each side of the room, a plastic chair by the closest bed and a window opposite the door. Only the furthest of the beds was occupied. Toby shuffled uneasily in the doorway. Laura was sitting up. She was turned away from him, a crack in the hospital gown revealing the tan of her back and a slither of knickers: blue with purple lace. She was running a brush through her short, black hair with its purple streaks.

“Close the door will ya?” Laura put the brush down and swung her legs around, tilting her head to look across at him. Toby edged around the empty bed. He couldn't bring himself to look at the clean, fresh sheets so he looked at her instead. She was pretty in an unusual way with her smooth skin and her lemon-shaped eyes.

“Are you much better?” Toby asked, unable to think of what else there was to say. He knew he should sit on her bed, hold her hand, kiss her, hug her, make it all better. He didn't want to. Toby believed that while there was still pain he was remembering and he didn't want to forget.

“Oh yes, much. I may even be able to go home later this week and then I can come over to yours and we can watch that film you got,” Laura babbled.

“It was rented.”

“Well then, rent it again. Kate said it was dead romantic when her and Danny watched it and she doesn't normally like that type of thing so it really must be good.” Dead. Toby didn't like that word.

“Okay.” Toby collected the chair and brought it to the bed to sit down. Laura tried very hard not to see that anything was wrong.

“How are the meds going? I heard Ollie say you've cheered up right quickly, he was here yesterday to visit and brung me some chocolates.” Here she raised an expectant brow. Toby dutifully slipped a school rucksack from his shoulder and fetched out a box of heroes. Laura read the note sticky taped to the side.

“Aw, you're a sweet one Tobes, that's swell, my fav. Give us a kiss.” She leaned forward. Toby kissed her very quickly and then looked down. There were tears in his eyes. He'd thought he could handle this but it was all wrong. The wrong bed was empty, the wrong girl was...

“Laura-”

“Don't you think the window looks real bare? I think it's stupid that I'm not allowed flowers in here, if I was, would you buy me some?” Toby shrugged. He waited to see if she was finished before he tried again: when Laura wanted to say something there was no stopping her.

“I don't think we should date anymore.” He said it clearly but shuffled his feet. He wondered if he could leave now. If he wasn't dating her any longer surely he didn't have any obligation to be there? He stole a glance at her face. She looked pale and pinched as if she was trying to suck all her features in. Maybe she was trying to look thinner so he'd like her more. Toby didn't think he'd like her any more if she was thinner. Laura was already too thin.

“That isn't at all fair,” Laura said haughtily. “And being upset isn't any excuse, I'm more upset than you are. She was my best friend!” Here Laura shut up and just in time too Toby thought. He didn't want to be talking to Laura now. She was making him mad. He could feel the anger welling in his veins and heating up his face like a pan of boiling water. He was ready to jump at her and shout. He glared into her eyes and saw that she was crying. How dare she cry! It wasn't like she really cared. If she'd cared, she would have taken more care in the first place. Stupid girls. Stupid drugs. Stupid hospital.

“I loved her,” Toby said quietly. It felt strange to say it out loud to anyone other than his dog. “And I never loved you!” Then Laura surprised him. She sneered through her tears and made herself look even more ugly. She was ugly because she wasn't her. She couldn't ever be as beautiful as her.

“Now the truth comes out, how you dated me for two years – two years! - just to be near her and I went along with it because I thought it was sweet and I thought that...” Laura's hands clenched on the bed sheets and she turned abruptly away. She wasn't going to say it. She refused to say it. “Go jump in the river, Toby.”

She listened as his footsteps receded down the hallway and then she began to sob, nestling her head in the pillow. Faye hadn't been her best friend, Toby had but either way she'd lost them both. Everything had been going so well. They'd been getting along, she'd been happy, they'd been... well Toby and she had been happy but Faye... she hadn't been happy. Faye had been very unhappy indeed.

Hey Heather,

I am indeed desperate.

Bike rides up to the hills with – skinny dipping at the lake with – eating bread and jam on the lawn. With. That was what it all came down to, so many reasons to live except they all ended with her. They all ended with her. It wasn't a good day to die but it was the right way to go.

This came out kind of clunky to me. I understand it's trying to be a little tantalising to the reader -- and you're trying to write his thoughts as they might be in his head -- but in terms of flow, it doesn't really work. Maybe something more coherent like "Bike rides in the hills, skinny dipping in the lake, eating bread and jam on the lawn -- not one of them to do alone blah blah blah." That's pretty much the worst example I've ever given in a review, but I think the "with" at the end of each activity makes the ready stop and start, and the sentence (and your prose) suffers for it.

The third sentence is a bit comma-spliced. I think a colon would be better after "what it all came down to". I'm not sure the repetition of "they all ended with her" adds anything -- I think you'd be better placed wording this in a different way.

I didn't particularly enjoy the first paragraph, *except* I thought the first line idea was good, subverting the notion of it usually being a "good day to die"; I also liked the idea of him marking an X on the concrete. That sort of detail was nice, but I didn't see it anywhere else really. Nonetheless a good first line always gives me some hope. I think I was initially put off by the idea of this character -- upset over a girl. Seemed a bit emo.

Throwing and catching the chalk, Toby shifted his gaze to the building in front of him. It was a small, English hospital: a single building of five or six floors, taller than it was wide and completely incompetent. They were under-staffed and over-worked. Toby walked up to the deserted reception desk and rang the bell. It felt cold and smooth under his hand and gave out a delighted squeal. Bells like that shouldn't be allowed in a hospital.

I'm not certain you need to call it an "English hospital". That sounds a bit weird.

The receptionist came through from the back, her face hidden behind a mass of paper work which she set down on her side of the glass and then looked out. Toby preferred looking at the paper to her face. It was thin and ugly with a nose like a pedigree dog's and two goggled eyes that always looked surprised to see anyone at their counter. Her name badge said she was called Jenny. She wasn't.

Some more clunky prose here. The first sentence seems weighted badly -- it needs reshuffling. It seems a bit passive, as well. Perhaps something a bit more dramatic -- "The receptionist strode out from the back with a pile of paperwork so high it obscured her face. Dumping it to one side, Toby almost wished she had kept it there."

The description of her face could do with a bit of trimming and care. Your sentences often seem to be looked more closely and reworked so they read better. There's a lot of "ands" and run-ons. For example, you might be better writing "Thin and ugly, with a dog nose in the middle paired with two goggled eyes, her face ..."

Also, I'm not really sure I get why her name isn't Jenny? Is that important information for later?

“Young Tobias,” she said with that sympathetic look she saved for the little ones. Such a shame, such a shame. “Go on up and see her. She's looking much better today.”

Is "such a shame, such a shame" the receptionist's inner dialogue? It's quite confusing since this was ostensibly from Tobias' POV, and then that's sort of inserted there in the middle.

A good thing too. Smiles suited Tobias, they gave the onlooker an excuse to bypass those oddly mix-matched eyes. Both could be described as blue-green but the left was more green and the right more blue as if they couldn't decide on a colour between them.

This was an odd place to describe Tobias. It seemed a forced anecdote about his eyes. Not to mention the clunky sentence explaining the mix of colours. That could be shortened, just like some of your other sentences, or at least better-worded.

He had a rather full face. And nice cheek bones, Velma thought as he started away with a soft, “Thank you.” Then again high cheek bones always suited the little girls better, such a shame he got them from his mother's side, they would have looked very well on his half sister.

I guess this is in -- Velma's?? -- POV. It was quite a confusing switch. I'm always a bit nervous about switching POVs in the middle of a chapter, it makes for bewildered reading sometimes, unless it's done carefully, which I'm not sure this was. Her thinking about his half-sisters, and little girls, was all a bit confusing to me. I understand this might have some significance later on, but right now I would have preferred to stay with Tobias and his suicidal thinking.

Toby rounded the corner. There was a flight of stairs to one side, the steps turning back on themselves after each floor and next to those a large lift. A polite notice advised that the hospital would like it very much if able bodied people took the stairs instead. Toby didn't like the hospital.

Hmm. Descriptions of travelling are always a bit awkward. I think most people know how stairs are usually laid out in sizeable buildings, and the notice thing is just plain odd. Perhaps a better understanding of why Tobias didn't like the hospital -- just because of its signs seems peculiar. You explain this a little bit more in the next paragraph.

Why is he getting so frustrated at the door? Is it an automatic door? I've never seen those in a hospital on the higher levels.

Toby believed that while there was still pain he was remembering and he didn't want to forget.

This sentence confused me. I think a word may be missing?

“Oh yes, much. I may even be able to go home later this week and then I can come over to yours and we can watch that film you got,” Laura babbled.

Haha, that was the best bit. Sounded like a lot of girls I know.

Actually, I'm fairly sure the dialogue is your strongest bit -- not a lot I've got to comment on there. The preceding description and POV changes are the bits that really need a look at.

“I don't think we should date anymore.” He said it clearly but shuffled his feet. He wondered if he could leave now. If he wasn't dating her any longer surely he didn't have any obligation to be there?

Ahaha.

Here Laura shut up and just in time too Toby thought. He didn't want to be talking to Laura now. She was making him mad. He could feel the anger welling in his veins and heating up his face like a pan of boiling water. He was ready to jump at her and shout. He glared into her eyes and saw that she was crying. How dare she cry! It wasn't like she really cared. If she'd cared, she would have taken more care in the first place. Stupid girls. Stupid drugs. Stupid hospital.

The prose here seemed almost too basic? I didn't buy the description of him getting angry at all, it all seemed a bit fake. Anger welling up in veins and boiling faces is all a bit cliche and not anything original that made me interested. I think you could really improve this bit, seeing as it was the real conflict finally bubbling over.

She listened as his footsteps receded down the hallway and then she began to sob, nestling her head in the pillow. Faye hadn't been her best friend, Toby had but either way she'd lost them both. Everything had been going so well. They'd been getting along, she'd been happy, they'd been... well Toby and she had been happy but Faye... she hadn't been happy. Faye had been very unhappy indeed.

It's kinda strange how the POV just suddenly jumped again. One minute we're in Tobias' head and he's getting real angry, and then suddenly we're in Laura's head. I found it disconcerting. Also, I feel the same way here about Tobias getting angry -- I just didn't buy her emotion. It didn't sound real. It didn't really sound like how a discarded, hospitalised young girl would feel after all that's happened. It's probably not helped that you keep using the same word and especially ellipses, which always come off clunky in prose.

I get the feeling because this is a teenager audience, you've perhaps dumbed down your language? I say this tenatively, because that might come off quite insulting if that's not what you've tried to do. I think I've seen better and more evocative language from you before, though, so I feel this might be the case. If so -- I think you should reconsider your decision. Young adult novels, while they might not need be as advanced as James Joyce, still have a level of intelligence to them.

Overall, Heather, I was little disappointed by this first chapter. Not only was it relatively short, I think the description, thr switching of POVs, and the character's emotions seemed a little off. Your dialogue, however, was strong, and that gave me the best indication this is a salvageable scene. When your characters were talking, it felt like a real conversation, and I could feel in their words the actual pain. But the rest of it seemed lacking in comparison, and I hope you fix a few of the things I've brought up so you can kick your novel off with a bang, rather than a whimper.

Cheers,

Jack.

Thanks Jack, that's just the sort of review I was looking for. You're right, I have changed many of my words and style to try and accomodate for the target audience and I'm finding it quite difficult in all honesty. I've been reading teenage literature and not getting very far but I really want to write this. Maybe it's time I start looking for some middle ground. Thank you again for all the suggestions, they'll be very useful when I re-draft this.