Young Writers Society

The wild, tousled hair.
The full lips, downturned at the corners.
The mumbling voice.
You, the boy with broken stars in his eyes.

So close yet so far,
So high yet so low,
So strong yet so weak.

Let the champagne drown you,
Let the starlight blind you,
Let the red carpet gag you.

It destroyed you,
It devoured you,
It deserted you.

Your face scarred by tearstains,
Your body bruised by kisses,
Your ribcage cracked by shame.

A bloody bandage where your eyes used to be.
Two burnt stumps where your hands used to be.
A gaping hole where your heart used to be.

Now, so damaged and hollow,
You’re nothing but a mannequin.
A sick memento of what you once were
And what you could have been.

Hey,

The repetition in this piece scares me,and not in the way I like. It is a strange scared, so well done, I guess.

I actually like what you're trying to do here with this poem and I think it works effectively.

My only point would be that it's quite long for what you're trying to achieve, I would maybe get rid of a stanza. That's just my opinion.

~Retro Disco666

Hi!
What I liked especially about this poem was the coherency. I could really understand what the poem was addressing, and thus it was emotionally effective. This line in particular struck me as poignant:

blackbird12 wrote:You, the boy with broken stars in his eyes.

The language in your poem is really beautiful, and I think the imagery it gives me is exceptionally vivid.

blackbird12 wrote:Let the champagne drown you,
Let the starlight blind you,
Let the red carpet gag you.

I'm also glad that you have a strong ending. The lines don't seem abrupt and they tie into the poem's meaning nicely.

blackbird12 wrote:Now, so damaged and hollow,
You’re nothing but a mannequin.
A sick memento of what you once were
And what you could have been.

The only suggestion I have is to maybe vary the line endings so that not every line sounds abrupt. Otherwise, great job!

--Glim

Hey blackbird,

The wild, tousled hair.
The full lips, downturned at the corners.
The mumbling voice.
You, the boy with broken stars in his eyes.

A pretty good start -- the last line of this stanza in particular is awash with interest imagery. The first three lines are somewhat plain, and could do with some sprucing, language-wise. It's an image we all know too well and I'd like to see a more poetical way of describing this boy, how he looks.

So close yet so far,
So high yet so low,
So strong yet so weak.

Hmm, this is weak. A triplet of cliches that add nothing to my understanding or comprehension of what you're going through. They're empty words. This kind of repetition is really lazy poetry, too. It's without life and drags your work down.

Let the champagne drown you,
Let the starlight blind you,
Let the red carpet gag you.

It destroyed you,
It devoured you,
It deserted you.

Your face scarred by tearstains,
Your body bruised by kisses,
Your ribcage cracked by shame.

A bloody bandage where your eyes used to be.
Two burnt stumps where your hands used to be.
A gaping hole where your heart used to be.

It's the same with these. Red carpet gagging, aside, this is all pretty standard cliche writing from a poetry newcomer. You've gotta trash this kind of sentiment if you want to write interesting, evocative, different poetry. Writing down the same old destroyed, tearstains, bruised kisses, gaping heart hole, has been penned by every teenager since time began. It's boring and uninteresting.

And what you could have been.

How I feel about the poem.

Scrap everything but "the boy with broken stars in his eyes" and start again, and remember, every line you write, every word you use, has to be carefully considered and analysed. You can't roll out the same old adjectives, the same old phrases, the same old stock standard ideas if you want to write anything else but greetings card messages.

I'm sorry to be so brutal about it, but this is how poetry is and always will be. It's a hard world to crack. Good luck!

Hello there This was a good poem. Someone had mentioned they didn't like the repetition, but as for me, that really made this poem nice. The last stanza was very nice, I think it was my favorite one! I don't have any bad criticism to say about this, so good work!

very nice.
its scary and exciting.
hope you write more like it.