Young Writers Society

This is my submission for Rosey Unicorn's The Birth of Magic contest. I'm really terrible at writing poetry so please please please tear this apart so I can piece it back together and make it way better.


Abracadabra
He prepares for the stage,
donning his crinkled, black plastic top hat
and his faded, makeshift cape
tied around his neck with a strip of red ribbon.

Alakazam
He gathers his tools,
from his wand - chipped and dented -
to his deck of deceitful cards
with a missing ace of spades and a bent queen of hearts.

Shazam
He struts out upon the stage
and spots his parents smiling up at him
while the rest of the crowd feigns attention
at this middle school talent show that has dragged on too far.

Cumae Teurin
He performs with practiced ease,
whisking and waving his wand about
and smiling so big that the dimples on his cheeks
seem to create a simple kind of magic all their own.

Hocus Pocus
He's ready for the finale
that he's rehearsed over and over - perfecting it -
displaying the cards one last time and dropping them into his hat,
careful that the audience does not see his trick - his trap.

Blazimbo
He concentrates and he is careful
to wave his wand and shout - "Behold" -
before turning his hat to the crowd to reveal
that there is nothing inside, not a card to be found.

Presto Chango
He becomes a different boy -
nearly a man now - as he takes a bow before the mass
of people who clap and force their smiles
at his easy, simple magic.

I quite enjoyed this poem. You actually made me chuckle with the italicized texts. I think that putting those words in italics was a good idea, it makes them stand out. They don't exactly fit into to verses, but with out them, it wouldn't be right or as good. That probably makes no sense, but it does in my head xD.
Your imagery is good, I could see the magician quite clearly in my head. You were descriptive but not overwhelmingly, there was something left for the imagination.
I don't see any spelling errors, and sorry, but puntuation is not really my forte. Hahaha.
My favorite verse was

Alakazam
He gathers his tools,
from his wand - chipped and dented -
to his deck of deceitful cards
with a missing ace of spades and a bent queen of hearts.

I am not really sure why, it just is.
Overall, I really did like your poem. Keep writing.
-Jem

alakazam... sorry, I saw the title and it was so tempting.

Anyway! Onto your review. When it comes to poetry, I am no way the best critique because I know hardly anything about it. This may be true, but I'll try me best to give you my opinion.

Hocus Pocus
He performs with practiced ease,
whisking and waving his wand about and smiling
so big that the dimples on his cheeks
seem to make a simple kind of magic all their own.

This is my favourite stanza, mainly because of the last two lines. I feel that these two lines are the most creative ones in the whole poem. I also found them quite sweet.

As you can tell, I don't actually have an nit-picks to comment on. I couldn't find any grammatical errors either, although I'm pretty bad at spotting them when it comes to poetry. As far as I can tell though, your grammar was pretty darn good! I didn't really find any problems with the flow of any line either. As a whole, I felt as though your poem flowed very nicely and I'm glad that you didn't have any kind of forced rhyme scheme in this. You're one of those cool people who realise that a poem doesn't have to rhyme for it to be good.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this poem. The idea itself was simple, but I think that you wrote it nicely and creatively. You said that you were really terrible at writing poetry, but I beg to differ. This isn't the best poem I've ever read in the world, but I think that it's definitely somewhere in my favourites. I like how you used a pretty simple idea, but made it interesting and enjoyable to read. I agree with jemjive as well, I loved how you used 'magic words' at the beginning of each stanza. It certainly worked well. Your grammar was very good and as for your spelling, I didn't find a single spelling error. Like I've already mentioned, the flow of this poem was very nice. While reading it, I didn't want to cry because I felt awkward reading it. Really well done for that; the flow of a poem is very important, in my opinion.

My main critique is that I would have liked for you to describe the magicians performance itself. Do you understand what I mean by that? To be perfectly honest, if you did that, you might have to include another stanza in this. What I mean by describing the performance itself is that you say that the magician waves hi wand around a bit, but that's it. This is more of a suggestion than a critique, to be honest. What I'd like to see is you maybe describing a trick or something? So far, you have this describing the main performance itself-

He performs with practiced ease,
whisking and waving his wand about and smiling

Out of the whole poem, these are the only two lines that really describe him performing. Now you don't have to describe the performance, I just think that you should consider it. If you describe the performance in a creative, quirky way, then you could do so really well. Even if you describe a simple card trick, it would be effective. This isn't completely necessary though, I just think that it could make this poem even better than it already is!

I don't really have much else to say about this... Like I said before, poetry isn't my forte. As a whole, I did very much like this poem. I've actually reviewed something else, from someone else, for Rosey's competition. It's rather interesting actually comparing the two! The two pieces that I have read for the competition, yours included, are both very good in their unique way. It's going to be very interesting finding out who wins the contest. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what I've said. Once you've done that, you could maybe edit this up a bit. Sorry my review hasn't been the most helpful in the world, I suck at reviewing.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hi There!~

So first off, I loved how you italicized the words at the beginning of every stanza. I know other people already said that, but I wanted to make sure you knew that that was a good idea.

The storyline is good, but to me it seemed that it didn't quite flow right in some areas. For example:

whisking and waving his wand about and smiling
so big that the dimples on his cheeks

Having this separated into two different lines where it is separated made it kind of awkward. I don't know if everyone pauses at the end of a line, but I know I do as well as a lot of people I know, and adding that pause where it is kind of made it difficult to read. If I had written it, I would have made it more like this:

whisking and waving his wand about
and smiling so big that the dimples on his cheeks

Anyway, I just wanted to show you that where you separated the lines could use some work. Sometimes when I write poetry I have to think hard about where one line ends, and often I'll change things around a lot before I end up with the final piece.

I liked it, though, overall. I hope this was (somewhat) helpful, and if you have any questions about anything I've said, feel free to PM me.~

Well I'm not sure that tearing it to pieces is in order but a little surgery might be XD Here's some comments and advice then, I hope it helps:

Abracadabra
He prepares for the stage,
dawning [I think you mean donning? To put on?] his crinkled, black plastic top hat
and his faded satin cape
tied around his neck with a piece of red ribbon.

Wait. The top hat is plastic but the cape is real satin? That's odd, there was me thinking the cape would cost much more than the hat XD If one is going to be fake, it should be the latter really. Or maybe satin just isn't the appropriate word? I like the flow of these lines and it's a good image all in all.

Alakazam
He gathers his tools,
from his wand - chipped and dented -
to his deck of deceitful cards
with a missing ace of spades and a bent queen of hearts.

Ah perfect. I love this stanza, the little details really make it work. Especially the cards. Very nice.

Shazam
He walks [Mmm. Walks says nothing about him. What's his gait, his mood? Stumbles, strides, slithers? Think about it.] out before the crowd
seated in the auditorium, fidgety and bored,
waiting for the end of this
middle school talent show that has dragged on too far.

This one didn't pack much punch for me. Feels a little weak beside the others and there isn't the same description, colour or action. Maybe spice it up?

Hocus Pocus
He performs with practiced ease,
whisking and waving his wand about and smiling
so big that the dimples on his cheeks
seem to make a simple kind of magic all their own.

What kind of magic? Describe it please, don't tell us they make a magic and leave it at that. What sort of magic is it? Charm? Or pot-hole paradise, little places to hide the secrets of his trade?

Presto Chango
He becomes a different boy -
nearly a man now - as he takes a bow before the mass of
people who clap and force their smiles
at his easy, basic magic.

I like it, nice ending. I love how the words in italics link to the words of the stanzas: you have the stages of magic well categorized. I wish there was more than this though. You have a lot of lines but the image you paint is vague and not quite there. I can feel the sense that this is a tired man who becomes magic on the stage but at the same time, this is just the basics. He's not very good I think? A teenage boy just starting out? I'd like to see further into his personality, a little of who he is outside of this as well. Is he thinking about the audience? That his friends might laugh, his parents might be proud? That was a nice touch mentioning where the show was taking place. I want to see more of who he is though or more of the audience, more of something. It's all too light and gentle, you need some deeper probing.

The flow of the poem was good and there's some nice imagery, a little weak in places but you're doing well. You're by no means the worst poet I've seen. In fact, you're good. Something you need to think about more is that every word matters so don't waste them. Choose each one carefully and be certain that every line of the poem adds to the finished product.

Thanks for the read! Send a pm if you have questions or further requests

Heather xx

Since this is for a contest and since this is a poem, I'm going to approach it a little differently. I'm all for the content-as-well-as-style type of reviewing, and I think ultimately, it helps to have a perspective on both.

Firstly, a word on content. I realise this is for a contest, so that dictates it. Well, really, it doesn't, since you're still pretty free to do whatever you like. And even with that, usually I would say that it does not matter if the topic itself is creative - it's the way it's written that counts. But here, I feel that equating magic to a showman's tricks seems...cheap. It lacks depth for me. And I do not see how it addresses the birth of magic. What are you suggesting? What are you really saying? That magic began as tricks / deceit / a show? That magic doesn't really exist, and if it seems to, that it is all a farce? Have a think about what you really want to convey to the reader. Do you want to convey a sense of skepticism, or a sense of wonder? Do you want to touch only the surface of what magic means, or do you want to explore it in some depth? Currently, I am seeing shallowness. I know you can do better, I know you can be tighter than this.

I'm asking you to consider what you would want the reader to walk away with. Yes, that might involve more of a rewrite; perhaps even a new poem enirely, but so what? You will have achieved something, conveyed something to others. Some kind of emotion, some intellectual insight. As it is, this single easy equation of magic to something that is essentially on the 'surface' has nothing except that one simile holding it up. You need more than makeup to make a person - you need a body, a heart, a head. Likewise, a poem.

And so, a note on style. Let's say you want to keep this poem this way. Let's say that you do indeed want to reduce magic to a stage performance, to meagre tricks. How can you do so in a way that is most appealing to the reader? What I think is interesting here is to consider the nature of magic. Magic is spontaneous, unpredictable, ever-changing. In fact, I might say that it is this very unpredictability that makes it...predictable. I know it'll change, and so am not surprised when it does. Likewise, the poem, being written from the point of view of a stage performance - it's almost as if we know what to expect. We know there'll be surprises, a whole she-bang of tricks. In which case, they almost fail to amuse us. It is this very predictability right now that is making the poem seem shallow. I want to be surprised, if I'm reading about magic; I want to be enlightened. The poem does neither - it shows me one version of magic in action, but it neither says whether this is where you think it began, or how magic makes one feel, what it makes you think about. I almost think it would be to your advantage to not try and be too gaudy when writing this - the Abracadabra, Alkazam etc takes away from any sense of reality we can get from this.

Reality. I think I have it. That's what the poem could do with more of. Something tethering down the magic, making it accessible. Details like 'a middle school talent show' were great. All of a sudden, it wasn't so wow anymore - it became the simple magic that one gets from showing off to their parents and friends. But it wasn't enough.

Your diction works just fine. You are simple, not too showy - which is just what the poem needs. But the topic is such that whatever semblence of normality you attempt to give it with the choice of vocabulary is taken away by the 'Abracadabra' etc.

I am linking poems I particularly enjoyed. They are told in a simple manner, but they hold joy in the simplest of things. Yes, I think this poem could do with some simplicity, less attempts at complexity. There is a certain grace to the most ordinary of events that these convey:

Selecting a Reader
Skater

Think about that. PM me if you want to discuss something. I would be more than happy to help.

It's me again!

This isn't a proper review, I'd just like to comment on it after you edited it. I'm cool like that.

I've kind of already told you this through PM really, but ah well. I thought that I'd tell you through post as well. After reading your edit of this, I think that you've definitely improved it. You're being more descriptive about the performance itself, which I love, and you've managed to keep the style of the poem the same whilst doing this. Thumbs up to you for that.

Navita's just given you a seriously great review, you should certainly consider what she's said. There are still things that you could improve on, but that's the case for practically every piece of writing ever written. That sounded dramatic... After editing this though, I can definitely see an improvement in this poem. Keep it up!

xoxo Rhian

Aw, this is cute!

to his deck of deceitful cards

<- I adore alliteration!

I don't think I'll be able to write a terribly helpful review on this, though, especially given those great ones who have come before me now. They're all lovely poetry reviewers.

Anyway, I noticed some typos/errors that were grating but I didn't feel like plucking them out myself because you're just as skilled, just thought I'd let you know they're there. The one thing that really threw me off about this poem was the line-breaks, aka where you decide to end each line and start another. They're awkward in places and kind of haphazardly thrown about. It's hard to explain though because line-breaks is actually a pretty intense topic in poetry, haha. Basically, it doesn't create a pause, but it is significant. I mean, your reader has to stop and start over on the line again, so it's important where you put them.

Oy, that is not helpful at ALL though. I'm sorry. I just can't think of anything too helpful? Perhaps bring out more the fact that the magic is that he's growing up and people are taking him seriously? That's a very important point, from child to man, and yet to breeze over it, but focus more on descriptions and details that don't build on the theme.

I hope I wasn't entirely useless!

Now you've got me all reminiscing! I absolutely love the 'magic words' before every verse. It reminded me of the books my mom read to me when I was little. As a matter of fact, this poem sounds much better outloud, than read. It was born to be read outloud, I guarantee it!

Abracadabra
He prepares for the stage,
donning his crinkled, black plastic top hat
and his faded, makeshift cape
tied around his neck with a strip of red ribbon.

Very cute, you have clearly told me that this poem is about a child.
I'm not sure about how you described the plastic hat as 'crinkled'.. I think that it's more of a paper-like texture, but I see the hat. It's been well-used.
Don't you love to say 'red ribbon'? It sounds so very nice together, and I haven't a clue as to why.

Alakazam
He gathers his tools,
from his wand - chipped and dented -
to his deck of deceitful cards
with a missing ace of spades and a bent queen of hearts.

I like how you used the word 'tools', then going on to describe them as junky children's toys. There's just something about that part. I can't tell if he's shady or adorable!

Shazam
He struts out upon the stage
and spots his parents smiling up at him
while the rest of the crowd feigns attention
at this middle school talent show that has dragged on too far.

I'm digging the cockiness from the way he 'struts out upon the stage'.
It also makes me feel a bit guilty, nobody cares but his parents.. at least he doesn't notice.
I was a bit surprised that this was a junior high talent show. I was thinking about a fourth grader the whole time.

Cumae Teurin
He performs with practiced ease,
whisking and waving his wand about
and smiling so big that the dimples on his cheeks
seem to create a simple kind of magic all their own.

Nothing to say about this one except it is my favorite. Very sweet.

Hocus Pocus
He's ready for the finale
that he's rehearsed over and over - perfecting it -
displaying the cards one last time and dropping them into his hat,
careful that the audience does not see his trick - his trap.

I'd say this is my least favorite verse, just due to the fact that it seems like it's only there to explain the magic trick.

Blazimbo
He concentrates and he is careful
to wave his wand and shout - "Behold" -
before turning his hat to the crowd to reveal
that there is nothing inside, not a card to be found.

I love the way he shouts "Behold".
This line seems like he's quite impressed with himself.

Presto Chango
He becomes a different boy -
nearly a man now - as he takes a bow before the mass
of people who clap and force their smiles
at his easy, simple magic.

'Presto Chango' was cool, because it actually fit into the rest of the verse. I was kind of hoping they all would, though.
Again, I like that he's oblivious to the audience's lack of enthusiasm, proud of himself.

I really liked this!
Like really!

-Eme

Wow, I really enjoyed this. I smiled to myself at parts. Great job!!

Hey Lily. Here's your (very late!) review for entering my contest. I was judging poetry on four criteria: Concept, flow, plot and writing quality (grammar, understandability ect).

Concept: It's a sweet story, but... I cannot tie this poem into the prompt at all. How is magic beginning here? If it was the beginning of a magician's career, I'd understand, but there's no hint he continues doing magic. As I said, this poem is good on its own, but as for how it captures the beginning of magic I don't see how it does.

Flow: I enjoyed how each part of the show was broken up by the magic words in italics. It was simple, but I was able to follow the story nicely. Each stanza kept to one topic, but some of your line endings seems to almost rhyme. It made me stop on a few stanzas, wondering why the rhymes didn't seem to match up. I also found that each stanza began the same, with the same sentence pattern, so that hurt flow a bit I find.

Plot: You do have a story in this poem, and it flows rather well. I was just a bit confused at the very beginning, since you go from practicing to starting the show to ending the show rather quickly. The end is nice and fleshed out, but the middle, at least seems like it moves a bit quick. It doesn't hurt the poem much, but the moment of confusion between stanzas three and four hurt just a bit.

Writing Quality: The sentences were a bit similar for my tastes, the structure following the same pattern each stanza. There were also a few too many dashes here, and they looked like hyphens. But the writing was clear, word choice gives a nice image and provides a few details about the character and setting, but it just felt a bit simple.

Overall: It was really the way this tied to the prompt that made me not enjoy this poem that much. I did enjoy it, but couldn't have it place without being able to see how the prompt tied into the poem.

~Rosey

Hello! Booky here to review! Comments are in bold:

AbracadabraNice start! I love onomatopoeias!
He prepares for the stage,
donning his crinkled, black plastic top hatI'd eighty-six the word plastic-->too many adjectives
and his faded, makeshift cape
tied around his neck with a strip of red ribbon.how about breaks this at tied around his neck (line) with a strip of red ribbon. it'd add to the flow quality

Alakazam
He gathers his tools,
from his wand - chipped and dented -
to his deck of deceitful cardsI love this stanza! beautifully written!
with a missing ace of spades line break here?and a bent queen of hearts.

Shazam
He struts out upon the stage
and spots his parents smiling up at him
while the rest of the crowd line break?feigns attention
at this middle school talent show that has dragged on too faris long a better adj.?.

Cumae TeurinIs this a magical phrase?
He performs with practiced ease,
whisking and waving his wand about
and smiling so big two things: change big with a different adj, and line break?that the dimples on his cheeks
seem to createline break? a simple kind of magic line break?all their own.

Hocus Pocus
He's ready for the finalehow about-he anticipates the finale? the end?
that he's rehearsed over and over - perfecting it -
displaying the cards one last time and dropping them into his hat,
careful that the audience does not see line breakhis trick - line breakhis trap.

Blazimbo
He concentrates and he is carefulEek! dislike this! Too wordy
to wave his wand and shout - "Behold" -
before turning his hat to the crowd to reveal
that there is nothing inside, line breaknot a card to be found.

Presto Chango
He becomes a different boy -
nearly a man now - as he takes a bow before the mass
of people who clap and force their smiles
at his easy, simple magic.


This poem is a great start, but I believe that it could be so much more with just a few revisions! Good luck!

It was really sweet, I liked it. I couldn't help but feel bad for the boy, deceit is never the answer, but I'd probably clap too. Nice words by the way, I mean the words in Italics. Bam! Haha.