Young Writers Society

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charring the forty kg worth

I think it would be better if you wrote out "kilograms".

The first part of the first poem is my favorite. The imagery in it was just lovely, and it had the perfect balance of sparsity to the punctuation. I especially adored the image of golden spiders suspended from the ceiling. I thought the second part could use a touch more punctuation, while the third had a good balance.

I had difficulty reading and understanding the second poem. I think varying the punctuation a little would help. For instance, it took me several read throughs to realize that the snoring husband was the sky. I think having an em-dash instead of a comma after "black" would make this clearer.

Something I noticed about the second poem is that I've come to appreciate it more and that it makes more sense the more I read it, but I really did not want to or enjoy reading it the first time through. If I hadn't come in intending to read everything through so I could give a proper review, I would have skipped it over. It would be a shame if others felt this way and never read it since it is such a good poem, so you should probably make it friendlier and easier to not only read through but understand on the first go.

I really love the first one; the way it's all broken up makes it really pondering and kind of... like, lazy contemplations of memories. It reads effortlessly and is beautiful.
Love this bit -

In this silence, lining
the edges of the living room,
I am counting golden spiders

suspended

from the dozen lights,
eco-bulbs dotting the frozen
belly of our ceiling

- It's such a great opening because of all the imagery flying around, and having 'suspended' written on it's on gives a great effect. You use enjambment pretty flawlessly in this poem.


Maybe it's the sharp contrast between the two poems, but I don't like the second one as much. Whilst it still carries your wonderful flowy descriptions -

while the moon, a now goat-lidded man,
would murmur and toss, pulling the
quilt of dawn away from my body.

(That is fantastic!)
- the look of the poem is very intimidating, and some of the sentences are so long that I forget the original point of it. I'm also not entirely sure what it's actually about. I was thinking a pregnant woman cause of all the child-related semantics (playground, fat geometry of my belly) but I'm not entirely certain.

Overall really good work! I think with some layout or line break changes then the second one would be more pleasant to read, whilst at the same time I'm not sure if it was your intention to make it challenging; you can clearly write more digestibly as the first poem is very reader-friendly.

~Dashka

FABULOUS. I was so hoping you'd post something soon. I'm typing outside by the pool and my internet barely reaches this deck chair, so if the site eats up this critique I'm going to be seriously displeased.

Before I start dissecting this, let me tell you that you're as wonderful a writer as I expected you to be. I've yet to read Past Cherry Island, but it's downloaded into MS Word and I'll be sure to give you comments on that as well once I have a look at it.

In this silence

You can't tell this from the first read, because you haven't read the rest of the scene, but this Part I doesn't seem silent. What with the charring macadamias and pitter-patter of the rain on the rooftop, it'd be more like muted noise.

eco-bulbs dotting the frozen

There are certain words that mess up the timeless, antique, universal feel of a poem. "Eco-bulbs" is one of them. Just the "eco" part, actually; surely there's a better, more poetic way to describe dangling luminescence?

charring the forty kg worth

I'm sure you considered this "kg" abbreviation and whether or not you should include it. The first time I saw it, I thought I didn't like it, but the more I think about it the less it bothers me. It fits better with the rhythm than "kilograms" would, but, again, the mention of metric measurements somehow detracts from the timeless feel. It'll have to be a judgement call on your part. See if there's a better way to describe the massive amounts of macadamia nuts.

and how I would grow up just like
that and soon enough

The line break kind of ruins the effect of the phrase "just like that". The way you've split it up makes it seem like you're going to give a simile for how she'd grow up, but instead of a noun to round out the analogy, we get a "that".

That's a lovely poem. There was a little bit of initial confusion about the narrator and the "you" subject, especially with the first mention of the nightgown, but it wasn't a huge issue.

on the
vagrant Monday afternoon,

The inclusion of "Monday" here sticks out. It might make more sense if you mentioned the fact that Mondays are generally hated, unwelcome days, but you just kind of drop the word in there with no imagery or reason to back it up.

lightly turned away like his eye while I
screamed at the clouds on blue monkeybars at
playtime to come back down

I feel like the triple-prepositional phrases here are muddling the scene. Are the clouds on blue monkey bars, or the narrator? Are the clouds having playtime or is the narrator? Is the narrator screaming at the clouds or the blue monkey bars? Really, I can figure it out, but it's a bit of unneeded confusion.

and the
bed of air outgrown

I don't think this a valid metaphor or valid image, mainly because you can't outgrow air. It's infinite, at least in the sense we're talking about. The imagery you use tends to contain a lovely balance of what's physically and scientifically possible while keeping it whimsical, and I feel like this oversteps that fine line.

Second poem was good as well; I enjoyed the personal feeling of the first a little bit more, but the run-on, almost frantic imagery of the second was fun to follow. I do think that you have a bit of an inconsistent cast of characters in the second though. Initially it seems like you're going to personify each aspect of nature, with mother earth and the snoring husband and the man on the moon, but then there's also the clouds and leaves and sky and dirt. However, I'm not sure how I'd suggest you try to fix that-- I'm afraid to mess up the delicate fragility of the poem, to be honest. Just keep in mind what you're transforming images into to make sure you're not being erratic about your choice of imagery.

If that makes any sense.

So, two highly enjoyable poems. I'm impressed, but not surprised, really. Thanks for the heads-up in my review thread, and best of luck with any revisions!

~Evi

Thanks Ky, kidashka, Evi!

I wonder what is bothering about the 'kg.' It looks weird, agreed. Read it aloud, though. See what that sounds like; my mouth forms the letters reasonably easily.

Evi - (epic review by the by) - I don't know about the 'antique' feel. For me, the first has a very modern feeling, a kind of deceptive simplicity, bare with the way the lines are placed, but coloured with imagery. Things like ovens and eco-bulbs (you know the ecofriendly bulbs??) were intended to define the setting and time more clearly - although, agreed, the ideas are timeless. The narrator-confusion - thanks for pointing that out; it was something I'd overlooked, especially with the way the poem is divided up into parts, but hopefully, by the end, the reader knows who's who. Perhaps the mystery at the beginning even adds to the flow of the poem in some way - I don't know.


Yeah, I didn't like the funny capitalised monday either - sort of seemed like too concrete a detail for so abstract a poem and there are terrifically long run-on sentences in there. But then again, that's one contrast, isn't it - the sharp clarity of the first with the 'frantic imagery' of the second, as you so rightly put it.

However...(and I mean this as a challenge to future readers)...what do the poems mean or depict on a thematic level? Come on YWSers - you're smart!

Aw Navita, I wanted you to PM me when you posted something!

Anyhow, Evi and kidashka covered their nitpicks.... I loved the first one (let me repeat: absolutely gorgeous is a phrase that describes all three, especially the first), but "Earth to Earth" didn't really do much for me. It all looked mushed together– I know you're not a fan of punctuation, but in this case I think it might do wonders for clarity.

I have never done well with seeing the abstract, but I notice that you like to reinforce themes of nature and domesticity together here. Plus technology has some subtle cameos. Is this Mother Nature? I find it interesting that the Poem 1 Section 2 has the mother cleaning up the "dirty jungle"– as if to say that nature, not humans, is best at cleaning up environmental catastrophes. As for C and C– no clue. It's probably something obvious .

One question: the "coriander puddle" in the very first poem baffles me. I looked up coriander and it says that it is a parsley plant. Puddle? Puzzled.

Let me know if I hit the mark, or didn't. Congrats on being featured!

–antimelrose

Okay, okay, I'll have at it again.

Similarity

–mother figures show up in, whether implied or direct, in every poem/section.
–relationships, especially nurturing the earth as if it is the narrator's own child.

Emotions/style

–first stanza is very delicate. Sad, almost– "charring", "blue", "crying". Did someone's heart break?
–there seems to be more tension in the second– mom is ordering daughter around, wants her out of the kitchen/house?
–third stanza seems full of innocence, a wistful sadness that is gone.
–second poem is kind of hectic, and very exhausted sounding, yet seems to end on a contemplation of joy for the legacy found through descendants.

The narrator seems to be going through memory lane. Childhood in different ages, and then boom. The domestic life.

Now I'm getting the impression that there's an absent father/husband. Why is papa brought up, but he doesn't seem to play much of a role? And in "Earth" again the male figure doesn't seem to have a positive reputation.

Didn't get to all of your questions, but if I still got it wrong let me know.

*furrows eyebrows*

–antimelrose

Hi, Navita! (Congrats on the green, by the way!)

So, in my PM I told you I would look these two over, but I have to admit that I forgot. =( I hope it's okay that I'm posting a little late!

I prefer In the Yellow. Generally I'm not a big fan of those multi-part poems that are visibly divided into sections, three in this case. I could see myself using it if I had a good reason to do it and it would hold a deeper meaning to it, but as the reader it makes it harder to grasp the poem. However, I have an idea of why it's done in this case. I like the third part best, especially the nightgown image in the beginning.

I'm not sure whether I like the first or the second part better; there was something in both of them that threw me slightly off. In the first one, it was the "lipstick roof-tiles" –- I'm just confused by that. It sounds and looks good, but when I think about it, I can't associate it with any proper image. To me, it seems out-of-place.

In the second part, it was the "Mrs. Mudgeway" -- since the character doesn't seem to have any significance to the poem itself, this seems pointless to me. I don't have a particularly smooth relationship with names anyway... even though I love them, I don't like to use them that much, not even in stories. I'm strange like that, I realise. This doesn't apply to every case, of course. Anyway, I'm sure that to some people, the mention of the name helps them interpret and see the image, but to me it's just on the way.

For some reason, I like "blue rain". I wouldn't have thought that I would like it, but I do.


I don't really like the current formatting of "Earth to earth". I can't focus on it fully because it feels like a lump, which is a shame, because I'd like to be able to delve into it. However, there are some interesting aspects in the poem. I'm especially fascinated by "blue monkeybars" and the knitting and crocheting.

All in all, I don't know how much my review made it seem like it, but I thought these were good, familiar Navita. Just tell me whenever you would like a review or something like that.


Demeter
x

These were beautiful pieces... I don't know exactly what to say or how to critique them, as of now I'm swept away by your beautiful words, gorgeous imagery, and vivid emotions. Excellent.

Your poems make mine look like trash!!!
*Runs away crying*

...Ahem, now that I've gotten over that, I have come to review a piece of yours, because you're always reviewing my pieces, so I felt I should return the favor... And hopefully I'll have something to actually say about it, lol. (I didn't read anyone else's comments, so I don't know if anyone has pointed out what I'm about to say, sorry!)

So let me start with the first poem, naturally. I really liked this one, like... more than the second one. It held much more interest for me, whereas the other one I didn't hate, I just wasn't as held by it.
And you do a wonderful job with imagery. Yet in this first part:

Navita wrote:In this silence, lining
the edges of the living room,
I am counting golden spiders

suspended

from the dozen lights,
eco-bulbs dotting the frozen
belly of our ceiling

and you are
charring the forty kg worth
of macadamias in the oven –

blue rain patters
on our lipstick roof-tiles
and I have turned away

from you to watch
the coriander puddle
through the crying windowpane.

... I think you got a little too wordy. It was quite a mouthful, even though there's not a lot there. I think you overdid the descriptions. Like the words "golden", "lipstick"," coriander", "crying". And I may not know what the hell I'm talking about, but it just seemed like TOO much imagery to me. Now don't get me wrong, lol, I loved it to death. (I'm contradicting myself, aren't I?) I just felt like it was a lot to take in at the very beginning.

There is one thing I would also like to point out. "Lipstick roof-tiles." Although I understand the imagery you're getting at here, lipstick seemed so out of place... I mean, the scene you've drawn out with the words, and then you go and throw in such a random word as lipstick. That's really the only thing I disliked about this first part.

Moving on now. : )

Navita wrote:Wearing your nightgown
with sleeves past my knees

at four, I clambered
into your bed and we talked

of princesses and papa,
and how I would grow up just like
that and soon enough

I would be a doctor too
and your warm shadow settled
over mine in the yellow light

until we fell into the same dreams
and there was nothing left to say.

This last part was my favorite. I don't know quite why exactly, besides the fact that it really starts to grapple the reader, and really is the moment where everything falls into place.
I loved the "warm shadow" part, because mainly shadows are seen as dark and cold and such, unless you're talking about shade in summer heat. This was particularly nice, because it made it feel safe and comforting. It was a nice "warm" feel to the end of the poem.
I liked it a lot, sooo wonderful job!!!

For your second poem I would have to say I didn't like it as much as the first. Maybe its just the style change, or topic change, I dunno. I do have to say the relation to the clouds was perfect in my opinion, but other than that it was not something I liked much. Not that it was terrible, I'm not saying that. Just not exactly my favorite or anything~~~

So... that's all I have to say about that. ^^ I look forward to stalking you some more and reading your other poetry.

First of all I'd like to say that this terribly short review doesn't do justice to the beautiful piece of art that you have created.

But this is sheer genius, excellent work.