Topic ID: 6411
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Crysi
Cold and Fragile Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 16 Nov 2004 Posts: 4355 Reviews: 572 Country: California Crew, yo. 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:10 am Post subject: Liquid Nitrogen |
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I used to tend to a single budding rose.
So delicate, so precious.
I poured my soul into taking care of it
Just so I could watch it drink in the sunshine.
(I didn't mind the thorns-
After all, what's a little pain
Compared to the glory of triumph?)
It soon grew into an entire rosebush.
I worked wearily, trying to trim it
So it wouldn't take over my yard.
And yet I couldn't bring myself
To cut the single rose which started it all.
(I wanted to see it reach the sky
Away from the weeds and stones.)
One day, the rose simply broke off.
It lay dying at my feet, and,
With tearful eyes,
I attempted to save it.
(I knew it wouldn't survive long,
But all of us have felt
That greedy wish to capture
Fleeting beauty.)
It was only then that I saw
The choking, entangling snarls
That had killed the tender plants
Which had come before it.
(They had been so cheerful,
Thriving in a pastel life.)
Too numb to revive my dear ones,
I took the rose away
And staring with glacier shards,
I dipped it into liquid nitrogen.
(For a moment I smiled at its
Newfound beauty. But it would not last.)
I brought the frozen flower into the street,
Took one last glance
Filled with intermingling hate and love,
And dropped it indifferently
Onto the cold, hard pavement.
(I had never seen anything
Glittering so fiercely.)
I turned my back on the puzzle pieces,
Cut down the entire rosebush,
And began to tend to my original loves.
(They greeted me warmly and,
Ignoring the thorns still in my hands,
Grew to my touch, drinking in the sunshine
And growing to the sky.) |
_________________ [Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals
Last edited by Crysi on Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:24 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8318 Reviews: 2091 Country: USA 3209 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:16 am Post subject: |
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SEE? What did I tell you!
*grumbles* Trying to hide your talent away...
As someone who does her best to grow roses, I thought it was cool. It's funny how we can concentrate so much on one rose, and forget about the rest of the plant. Because of that, the last stanza is so meaningful, that it makes the poem what it is -- bittersweet, yet strangely innocent.
I like it. |
_________________ Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way! |
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emotion_less
Speaker of the Forum

Age: 17 Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 621 Reviews: 332
293 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 11:20 am Post subject: |
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I don't think I've ever read your stuff before... weird... I definitely would have remembered the style... Not to be a little kid or anything, but this is really good. I like it all, especially the ending.
'Trying to hide your talent away... '
I agree with that  |
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Chanson
the milky bars are on me Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 03 Mar 2005 Posts: 304 Reviews: 82 Country: dublin, ireland 200 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 10:25 pm Post subject: |
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i really liked the idea behind this. the brackets got on my nerves after a few verses but it wasn't overly annoying.
no real stand out lines but definitely a very pretty poem. very suited to the song i'm lisetning to. yeah, i liked this. |
_________________ "I fail to see how my family is of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine." - Withnail |
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Crysi
Cold and Fragile Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 16 Nov 2004 Posts: 4355 Reviews: 572 Country: California Crew, yo. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 6:01 am Post subject: |
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Thanks guys! I just haven't gotten very good reviews on my most recent poetry from my friends and our poetry club, so I was hesitant to post some of it here...
Snoink, I'll try to add more if I write anything I think is worth it.
emotion_less, this is a little bit different from my usual style. I've been experimenting a bit to see if I like one style over another.
Chanson, thanks! Reading it again, I can see how the parentheses might get annoying... They were intended to be more of a personal thought rather than the action... I don't know if that came out enough. |
_________________ [Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals |
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8318 Reviews: 2091 Country: USA 3209 Points
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Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 6:09 am Post subject: |
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| I just haven't gotten very good reviews on my most recent poetry from my friends and our poetry club, so I was hesitant to post some of it here... |
Hehe...
Critiquing is an art. Many people, when they start it, will only tell you what is wrong and not what is good. So, most likely if you have a bunch of poets who can't critique worth squat, they'll only tell you the bad parts and not the good parts. But I liked this. You have a nice way with words. Which means... I get to hound you to write more!  |
_________________ Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way! |
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