Young Writers Society

Someone turned the voices off in my head.
Now I'll never know what happened to that boy in the woods,
whose screams I heard while I lay in bed.

Or the woman with the homicidal maniac living in her home.
She had asked for help,
I remember,
sometime during August and November.

And what about the toy soldier
who hadn't quite finished dying?
Last I heard,
three days ago,
he lay on his bedside crying.

I am only left to wonder
about what happens next.
Maybe I'll pick up a pencil
and write it down in text.

Poetry isn't my strong point. Any feedback would be great.

I really like the idea behind this poem, and I mean really, truly like it. The title is what caught my eye in the list of new literary works. I don't think I've ever come across a poem about this particular subject, so it was a really interesting thing to see.

The poem itself, though, could use work. While I like how you kept it simple and brief, the line breaks don't add anything to the poem, and the rhyme scheme is extremely inconsistent. Right now, you have line breaks at natural pauses in your sentences which, though not bad, is a bit boring. Where your lines end and begin can have a huge impact on the meaning of your poem. I suggest playing around with the line breaks a bit more to spice things up a bit.

As far as the rhyme scheme goes, there are rhymes, but there's no pattern to them, so they don't really work as rhymes. In the first stanza, for instance, there's such a distance between "head" and "bed" that there doesn't seem to be a rhyme at all. Rhymes depend on patterns to work, and right now, there's no pattern to the rhyming, except in the last stanza.

Overall, you have a great subject and a solid skeleton; it's really just a matter of deciding whether or not you want to rhyme or not, fixing up the rhyme scheme if you do decide to rhyme, and playing around with the line breaks. Not a bad poem at all.

Hey Mochi! Sorry it took so long for you to get a second review.

I agree with Kyllorac in that the idea behind this is unique and interesting, but the actual execution is rather lacking. (I also agree that you need to find a solid and consistent rhyming pattern here-- as of now your rhymes are a little bit random.)

Where is the poetry in this? By dictionary.com's definition, a poem is something: "that is characterized by a highly developed artistic form and by the use of heightened language and rhythm to express an intensely imaginative interpretation of the subject". While you've got a very cool skeleton and topic here, the actual wordings, phrasing, and rhythmic meter isn't extremely poetic.

We need to spruce up your word choice and imagery! Here's one example:

Or the woman with the homicidal maniac living in her home.

"Homicidal maniac" is such a mouthful, and it invokes no image for the readers. This line is very straightforward, and there's so much tension and conflict that it comes off being underplayed. WHOA. There's a homicidal maniac living in her home! A killer with a lover's face, breathing down her neck! Your narrator has some psychic talent to hear people's cries for help, yes? He heard her shattered pleas. You have to turn this highly emotional meaning into words that convey that emotion properly.

A helpful way to make poetry sound, well, poetic, is using poetic devices! I'm going to link you to a review of Kamas's, where she explains various poetic devices and gives examples (just look at the part in spoilers; the rest of her critique doesn't apply to you): Link!. Using metaphors (such as one for the homicidal maniac, maybe) can add another dimension to your storyline. Using similes (maybe comparing the voices in their head being turned off like a sink faucet) helps readers visualize something. Rhyming, alliteration, and well-placed repetition keep your flow interesting and smooth.

Basically, while you've got a great story to tell, I encourage you to try to tell it in a more interesting way. Instead of listing these people plainly and with dull language, describe them in a new light and take the time to explore your subject.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi