Young Writers Society

Enjoy please.


I’m slipping into the abyss
As your hand grabs hold of mine,
The cliff does not want to let go
The edge is calling for me to fall.

You cry out as you attempt to pull me up,
A cold tear sliding past your cheek
I wish I could cooperate one more time
But my deadweight body is suffocating.

I can see your screams
And imagine what you’re shouting,
Encouragement, hurt or maybe anger,
But my ears have fallen deaf to all.

The cliff edge is cruel to my inactive body
The rocks stab my thighs in rage,
The cruel sea below us reaches for me
Then crashes against the cliff side in anger.

The world has begun to grow vague
Your struggling face my only constant,
There’s an ancient air of determination
In your newly agonised eyes.

I struggle to keep a firm grip
On your slipping hand once more
And attempt to help myself up
One last time I struggle against gravity.

The cliff is crumbling away slowly
You’re in danger but you still hold strong,
You promised me you’d never let me fall
But is it fair that you tumble with me?

Hi I'm jemjive and I suppose I will be your reviewer haha. This poem fits the category perfectly, dramatic. It is deep and has feeling. It is not just a series of toneless, feelingless statements. I could visualize the cliff. I loved it and look forward to reading more of your work. I did not find any mechanical errors but I'm not great at that stuff, if there is any I hope someone else will point them out. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments about anything.
-Jem

I loved this poem! I like your use of adjectives. They added to the drama and the imagery of the poem. Keep writing! This poem was awesome, and I bet your next will be even better! Keep at it!
~Emily

Mimi! It's been a while since I've seen you around. ;D Hope you're here to stay for a little bit. Poetry critiques aren't my best, but hopefully this will be helpful!

The cliff edge is cruel to my inactive body
The rocks stab my thighs in rage,
The cruel sea below us reaches for me

You used "cruel" twice, very close together.

For me, this was okay. The core of the poem --the metaphor of the cliff, the whole idea and theme behind it-- is good (the "falling off a cliff" analogy is a tad unoriginal, but that's okay!), but I found it lacking a little bit in execution.

Basically, it seemed very contrived and forced. Your rhythm is measured, your words careful and precise, the meter constant and the capitalization strict. That's all nice and dandy, actually, but the poem fits into this neat little box and doesn't explore much outside of that box. Honestly? It was a bit dull. Empty of something.

I think what it's missing is the intensity of the emotion you're portraying. This whole idea of tumbling into an abyss, clinging by a breakable thread where the only person holding you up could fall just as easily, is extreme! The tone of the poem is very calm, collected, and measured, saying, "This is what's happening, this is what I feel." But the emotion should be screaming: OH GOD, I'M BARELY HANGING ON! ONE FALSE MOVE AND I COULD LOSE EVERYTHING! I'M TRYING, I REALLY AM! IS IT WORTH IT? OH CRAP YOU'RE ABOUT TO FALL, TOO!

Although not quite so raw, of course. =P

My suggestion is to focus a little bit less on what you're saying and focus instead on how you're saying it. Find a tone of voice to fuel the feeling and imagery of this poem. Technically, it's fine and exact-- but the emotion behind these words is a bit lacking. I can imagine a more panicked feel to this, but there are all kinds of tones you could experiment with.

Use your poetic license. Similes, metaphors, descriptions, imagery, bleeding emotion-- it's all fair play. Best of luck, and PM me for anything! This definitely has potential.

~Evi