Topic ID: 6191
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
zelithon
Official Bestest Like my avatar? me too
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Oct 2005
Posts: 1004
Reviews: 241
Country: the land of fruits and nuts AKA California
300 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 2:22 am Post subject: Robby |
 |
|
setting: daycare/orphanage filled with children and some adults
A mother brings her children to work with her, the cildren mentioned are Sis and Robby
Little girl, named Sis climbs onto lady's lap and settles down
Lady gently takes Sis off
repeat twice
On third time Sis looks up at the lady
Sis: Escuse me bu I was sittin thewre
Lady: I don't even know you, and quite frankly you sitting on my lap like that is uncomforable.
Sis: Fine be dat way, sheesh spoyal sport!
Sis wonders off to find her hidusly ugly older brother, Robby.
Sis: hello ugwe
Robby: Hi Sis
Sis: youw so ugwe, you know dat?
Robby: Yes Sis, I know, you and all the rest of the family are constantly reminding me
Sis: yep you arw uuuuglwe
Robby: hmmm
Sis: sutup! Evweone hates you.
They sit there in silence, when an ugly lady wonders by and suddenly sees Robby.
ugly Lady (not sarcasticaly): Oh my goodness, you are the most beautiful child I have ever seen!
Sis: Why tank oo
Ugly Lady: Not you, him!
Sis: Don be silwe, he's ugly!
ugly lady: no he isn't, he is perfect! Where I come from we hold a very different view or good looks, than you hideous Americans. I love him. What is your name boy?
Robby: Robby.
Ugly Lady: can I adopt you Robby? And bring you back to Bumbala island? You would be rich there, you could become a model or actor.
Robby: Sure! I would love too! Will you be my new mommy?
Ugly lady: Yes definitely, I love you.
Sis: wa...?
Ugly Lady picks up Robby and precedes to leave.
Robby and Sis's real mother who worked at the daycare came over.
mother: What are you doing with my son?
ugly lady: adopting him
mother: You can't do that; he is my son.
Ugly lady: It is up to Robby.
mother: Robby come back, I love you!
Robby: I don't think I will
mother: but I love you and you said you love me
Robby's other siblings come over to watch
Robby: I only said that because it would be awkward if you said it and I did not say anything back.
Mother: Why not?
Robby: You never protected me or chastised my siblings for their ridicule. Whenever we did not have enouph of something for all of us I missed out. I got last pick. Sis always got treated the best. Last christmas I got 5 toys and Sis got 10.
Ugly woman and Robby: bye
They leave , Robby's mother sits on the floor looking dejected. Sis comes over.
Sis: Is al right Mommy, I'm youw favorate anyway, wight?
mother: Yes you are right; your my favorite and Robby was ugly anyway.
She gets up and goes about business as usual. like Robby never existed.
Sorta sad aye? |
_________________
Adults are just obsolete children, and to hell with them!
-Dr.Suess
Deadpanners are backtalkers!
badonkadonk
Atheism is a non phophet organisation
Last edited by zelithon on Mon Dec 05, 2005 5:12 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Brian
Number Two
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 23
Joined: 15 Nov 2004
Posts: 296
Reviews: 122
Country: Commonwealth of Virginia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
I suppose that everything will be in how it is acted out, but right now, it's a bit odd. Robby gets picked up by some stranger and taken away? And he, despite being a little boy, is very willing to leave his mother? Even if a mother is terrible, the child still loves her until at least the teenage years.
It's interesting, but it needs more depth to it. You should add a scene where it becomes clear that Robby actually does hate his mother, and leave more time for character development. |
_________________
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov |
|
| Back to top |
|
zelithon
Official Bestest Like my avatar? me too
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Oct 2005
Posts: 1004
Reviews: 241
Country: the land of fruits and nuts AKA California
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
| It is supposed to be odd. I know it does not happen like that in real life. He doesn't hate her, he just does not care. I will try to develope them more like you said. Thx for the imput! |
_________________
Adults are just obsolete children, and to hell with them!
-Dr.Suess
Deadpanners are backtalkers!
badonkadonk
Atheism is a non phophet organisation |
|
| Back to top |
|
Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3023
Reviews: 1160
Country: If I told you I would have to kill you
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:23 am Post subject: |
|
|
this was a bit funny... but ti was kinda weird to read seeing as you didn't define where the names and ations were... fix that up and that'll be good...
you know you vewy uuuuge! |
_________________
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shii.php
Ralphie: Ahh! It's half wolf, half refrigerator!
“Eventually shooting stars will burn out.”
Help the Revolution: http://noporntube.freeforums.org/portal.php |
|
| Back to top |
|
Brian
Number Two
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 23
Joined: 15 Nov 2004
Posts: 296
Reviews: 122
Country: Commonwealth of Virginia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
One thing I forgot...
While the dialogue was a bit stale, I loved the voices that you gave the characters. You gave them a distinct way of sounding without describing their accents or anything like that. |
_________________
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov |
|
| Back to top |
|
zelithon
Official Bestest Like my avatar? me too
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Oct 2005
Posts: 1004
Reviews: 241
Country: the land of fruits and nuts AKA California
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 5:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thx!
but the black rose could you elaborate on your critique please. |
_________________
Adults are just obsolete children, and to hell with them!
-Dr.Suess
Deadpanners are backtalkers!
badonkadonk
Atheism is a non phophet organisation |
|
| Back to top |
|
Angel17
Hidden thoughts
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 308
Reviews: 201
Country: Some where far, far away in my imagination
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 6:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Well it was a very odd piece of writing, but i liked it. The dialect for the characters were good. |
_________________
Real poetry are those with the best words in the best order
~~~~~~~~Mandy~~~~~~~~~ |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
