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Luna 3.1



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Sun Apr 11, 2010 5:51 pm
pinkangel54123 says...



3. The Clearing

My head was swimming. I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew something wasn’t right. Someone wasn’t telling me something. I didn’t like it. At all. Why should everyone but me know what was going on?
I pushed the annoyed thoughts from my head and picked up one of the rings that had clattered onto the floor in my rush to open the box. It was silver, a simple beauty. I absentmindedly took it and placed it on the ring finger of my left hand. When it was on securely, heat pushed at me from all sides until it was nearly smothering. Gasping for any semblance of cool air, I felt the heat push closer with every beat of my heart. Soon it was inside of me, poking, prodding, and pulling at my heart. The tendrils of warmth wrapped around it and stuck there. It burned slightly, but in an oddly pleasant way. The oppressive heat disappeared as quickly as it came.
Somehow, the ring’s essence had come into my body and infiltrated every part of me. I didn’t want to take the ring off and take away that all-consuming, beautiful burn. If the letter was true, there was no way I would test it out by taking off the ring and risking the punishment.
I found the long forgotten sweatshirt harmlessly tucked under my cover. I slid it over my head, grabbed the box and its contents from the floor, and shoved it in my pocket. When I pulled my hand out, I noticed that the ring had changed. In the middle, there was a diamond just large enough to fit in the silver band. There were small pieces of onyx fanning out on each side. I spun it around and found an engraving. It said ‘Asha-Our Guardian.’ I knew that me and the ring had connected. There was no other way to explain it.
“Are you ready yet?” Dad’s whiny tone broke my bubble of curiosity and pleasure. I scrambled to my feet, quickly hid my hand behind my back, and smiled, the look of pure innocence.
“Yup.” I gulped and tried to hide the wild emotions in my eyes. He had to be in on this whole thing. There was no way that he hadn’t seen the box before. It’d been in the house he’d lived in for eternity as far as I knew. “But Dad, there’s something I’ve gotta ask you.”
“What?”
I pulled the box out of my pocket and his eyes widened slightly. He fixed his expression back to neutral instantly; I wasn’t sure if his expression had changed after all. “Where did this come from? It was in my closet and I’m positive it wasn’t in there before. I mean, I would’ve noticed it if it was.”
He took the box from my hand and knocked my ring slightly forward. It stung slightly until I moved it back into its original position. “It’s nothing, Asha. We’ll deal with this later.”
“No. I want answers now.” Why is he avoiding it? With Dad, avoidance or lashing out meant that he was guilty. What’s he guilty of this time? I asked myself, sighing. Before it was lying about his age and now this box. From his reaction, I knew that it was more than just a box. “I know it’s something, so just tell me.”
“Dammit, Asha. Not right now, alright?”
“Yeah, we are doing this right now. Just give me something Dad. Otherwise, I don’t want to go wherever you’re trying to take me.”
“There are two rings and a letter in the box,” he said, opening the car door for me. It didn’t seem like he would continue, so I threw my luggage onto the lawn in aggravation. I stepped away from the car and sat on the curb. I could be just as stubborn as he was. “Remember the story I told you about your mom?” I gave him an annoyed look; I’d just had the nightmare. He knew I knew the story word for word. “This is the box she left with your brother. It’s for the both of you. I’ll explain more later.” I opened my mouth to protest. “Don’t start with me, Asha. Just get in the car.”
I grabbed my suitcases and threw them in the trunk of the sedan. If he wasn’t going to talk about the box and Mom, then I wouldn’t talk to him on the ride. “I thought you might want to go camping before you leave. The forest is beautiful this time of year,” he said after a few minutes of awkward silence in the car.
My mouth fell open in shock. He never wanted to go camping with me. “Who are you, and what have you done with my father?”
“Don’t be that way, Asha.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Dad,” I said. He could delude himself as long as he wanted. We were complete opposites; we never did anything together.
He stopped the car at the edge of the forest. It wasn’t uncommon on Luna to find yourself lost in the forest after stepping only a few feet away from any street. It surrounded everything but the coastline. We stepped out of the car, and I just looked around.
“So, Dad. Are we gonna just stand on the edge of the road? Panhandle, maybe?”
“This way,” he said, pointing into the forest. I smirked and dodged all of the fallen trees, but tripped over a fern and fell into a clearing.
“Shit.” My hands were scraped but were only bleeding a little. The denim of my worn jeans rubbed up against my shin. Pain crawled up and down my leg like a spider coated with poison. Gingerly, I lifted my pant leg and saw a huge scrape. My stomach lurched at the sight of so much blood. A thick, jagged stick seemed to be the culprit.
“Watch your language.”
“Fine then. You come here, so I can cut you with a stick. If you don’t swear, you can wash my mouth out with soap,” I said.
“Will you please stop being so dramatic?”
“Whatever do you mean, Father?”
He snorted. His firm hands grabbed me beneath my knees and shoulders. We were sitting in the clearing’s long grass before the blood-induced nausea could subside. Dad groaned when he inspected the wound. “Let me clean this for you.” Instead of waiting for an answer, he whipped a first-aid kit out of his pack and began working on me. His trembling hands made him fumble with the wipes.
“Are you nervous or something? I thought you did this kinda stuff for a living.”
“I-I thought I heard something back there. The forest is just making me edgy.”
“Stop being so paranoid. I’m in this forest nearly every weekend, so I know for a fact that there’s nothing back there.”
“So we’re nothing then? I’m hurt.” Two black robed figures emerged from the darkness.
Last edited by pinkangel54123 on Sun Aug 08, 2010 3:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:47 pm
Sins says...



Hey again! :D

Here for your last review! Maybe I'll finally be able to find something to critique in this one! Considering you don't have any reviews yet, I might be ab;e to find something. :wink:

My head was swimming. I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew something wasn’t right. Someone wasn’t telling me something. I didn’t like it. At all. Why should everyone but me know what was going on?

I pushed the whiny thoughts from my head and picked up one of the rings that had clattered to onto the floor in my rush to open the box. It was silver; a simple beauty. I absentmindedly took it and placed it on the ring finger of my left hand. When it was on securely, heat pushed at me from all sides until it was nearly smothering. Gasping for any semblance of cool air, I felt the heat push closer with every beat of my heart. Soon it was inside of me, poking, prodding and pulling at my heart. The tendrils of warmth wrapped around it and stuck there. It burned slightly, but in an oddly pleasant way. The oppressive heat disappeared as quickly as it came.

Somehow, the ring’s essence had come into my body and infiltrated every part of me. I didn’t want to take the ring off and take away that all-consuming, beautiful burn. If the letter was true, there was no way I would test it out; by taking off the ring and risking the punishment.

I found the long forgotten sweatshirt harmlessly tucked under my cover. I slid it over my head, grabbed the box and its contents from the floor, and shoved it in my pocket. When I pulled my hand out, I noticed that the ring had changed. In the middle, there was a diamond just large enough to fit in the silver band. There were small pieces of onyx fanning out on each side. I spun it around and found an engraving. It said ‘Asha-Our Guardian.’ I knew that me and the ring had connected. There was no other way to explain it.

“Are you ready yet?” Dad’s whiny tone broke my bubble of curiosity and pleasure. I scrambled to my feet, and quickly hid my hand behind my back and smiled; the look of pure innocence.

“Yup.” I gulped and tried to hide the wild emotions in my eyes. He had to be in on this whole thing. There was no way that he hadn’t seen the box before. It’d been in the house he’d lived in for eternity as far as I knew.

“Let’s get a move on.” I grabbed my suitcases for Monday and threw them in the trunk of the sedan. This would be the last time that I would see my house for a while. Dad had said he would take me straight to the airport once we were done doing whatever he had planned. “I thought you might want to go camping before you leave. The forest is beautiful this time of year.”

My mouth fell open in shock. He never wanted to go camping with me. “Who are you, and what have you done with my father?”

“Don’t be that way, Asha.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Dad,” I said. He could delude himself as long as he wanted. We were complete opposites; we never did anything together.

He stopped the car at the edge of the forest. It wasn’t uncommon on Luna to find yourself lost in the forest after stepping only a few feet away from any street. It surrounded everything but the beaches. We stepped out of the car, and I just looked around.

“So, Dad. Are we gonna just stand on the edge of the road? Panhandle, maybe?”

“This way,” he said, pointing into the forest. I smirked and dodged all of the fallen trees, but tripped over a fern and fell into the clearing.

“Shit.” My hands were scraped, but were only bleeding a little. The denim of my worn jeans rubbed up against my shin. Pain crawled up and down my leg, as a spider coated with poison. Gingerly, I lifted my pant leg and saw a huge scrape. My stomach lurched at the sight of so much blood. A thick, jagged stick seemed to be the culprit.

“Watch your language.”

“Fine then. You come here, so I can cut you with a stick. If you don’t swear, you can wash my mouth out with soap.”

“Will you please stop being so dramatic?”

“Whatever do you mean, Father?” He Do you mean I? snorted. His firm hands grabbed me beneath my knees and shoulders. We were sitting in the clearing’s long grass before the blood-induced nausea could subside. Dad groaned when he inspected the wound. “Let me clean this for you.” Instead of waiting for an answer, he whipped a first-aid kit out of his pack and began working on me. His trembling hands made him fumble with the wipes.

“Are you nervous or something? I thought you did this kinda stuff for a living.”

“I-I thought I heard something back there. The forest is just making me edgy.”

“Stop being so paranoid. I‘m in this forest nearly every weekend, so I know for a fact that there‘s nothing back there.”

“So we’re nothing then? I’m hurt.” Two black robed figures emerged from the darkness. Ooooo! Creepy... :lol:


Overall, I managed to find, like, three nit-picks... It's better than none! I really enjoyed this chapter, again. You use the perfect amount of description, not too much but not too little. Well done!

I'm definitely looking forward to the next part!

Keep writing (Or I will come to your house with an axe and brutally murder you)* :smt001

xoxo Skins


*I won't really...
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Sat Apr 24, 2010 8:27 am
MiaParamore says...



Hi there. i thought hat you have only one review so far so I would be able to critique more but again I have been disappointed. :D I am really liking this. I had planned to do this much for today but now I cannot resist another part, the last for me to review currently. Asha, is an Indian name. It means hope. And I hope I can give you better review for the next part.

Dad’s whiney tone broke my bubble of curiosity and pleasure. I liked it.


It wasn’t uncommon in Luna to find yourself lost in the forest after stepping only a few feet away from any street.


“So we’re nothing then? I’m hurt.” Two black robed figures emerged from the darkness.
As Skins sid its so creepy, a perfect end for a perfect chapter.

Keep up the good work.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Tue May 25, 2010 7:20 pm
Tenyo says...



Review three!

I like this chapter, but the events didn't really seem to flow together all that well. So far one of the interesting things about your writing is those extra random little details that perk it up, but this seems to be lacking in those

I think that by this point in the story Josiah should have a more well defined character. Most of his traits seem to be circumstancial. Often you'll find when writing that characters can take on different roles than you first intended. Don't be scared to admit that perhaps Josiah is just a big softie, he seems to suit that role better.
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Mon Jun 14, 2010 5:52 am
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Hi there, angel! Sorry of the pause in reviews, stuff at home kind of caught up with me, but I’m here now!

And I have to say, I’m pretty intrigued. I’m glad that Asha echoed my suspicions about the box, and the fact that there’s just no way Josiah doesn’t know about it. Between that and his little freak-out after she scraped her knee, I’m curious to know just what it is that he’s hiding. It seems like there’s a lot going on under the surface here that I didn’t know about, and I’m excited to find out more. I’d also really like to know the story behind his sudden personality change—it really does seem to have come out of nowhere, and I’m just as baffled as Asha. Honestly, all these changes and quirks in his character really fascinate me, I hope that he gets plenty of time for development over the course of the story.

Speaking of learning more, I’m definitely curious to see what’s up with those black-robed figures that showed up at the end of this half—I have to admit that the appearance of black-robed figures in general is not exactly the most new or unique concept in fantasy fiction, but as long as you’ve put your own spin on them or given them something interesting to say (or, preferably, both XD) it doesn’t really bother me too much. I have to admit that their last line kind of cracked me up—these are by far the snarkiest shadowy figures I’ve ever met, and that makes me a bit more interested in them right off the bat.

I’m sort of wondering why Asha doesn’t confront her father about the fact that he kept the box hidden from her. I suppose she could just be trying not to mess up their last few hours together, though—I can see that, too. Still, it sounds like something that has to come out sooner or later. I really like how the opening of this chapter showed us some of the frustration and confusion that Asha feels after locating the box—it’s a bit of an echo of the bewildered, angry person we met back in chapter one.

This time, I don’t have any nitpicks! How rare! XD

This was a pretty neat chapter, and I’m definitely up for seeing what’s going to happen next. I want to know why Josiah is behaving so strangely, and what the robed figures want, and I’m not going to rest until I find out! XD Until next time~
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Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:43 pm
*coco says...



Hiya, Diane! Coco here again, as requested!

I pushed the whiny thoughts from my head - don't think whiny is the right word


I think 'whiny' is the wrong word. I mean, Asha has the right to feel angry about being kept in the dark.

“So we’re nothing then? I’m hurt.” Two black robed figures emerged from the darkness.

Loved the ending - very dramatic and nicely done :)

My only problem was Asha's reaction to the discovery of the ring. After it connected with her and called her The Guardian. It seems odd to me that, for a person whose always been curious about her past, Asha wouldn't ask her dad for an explanation straight away after the ring and just forget about it and go on a trekking journey.

Apart from that, there's not much else for me to say, other than I'm looking forward to reading more!

*coco
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Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:56 pm
Shearwater says...



Pink here!
Alright, let's get started :)
pushed the annoyed thoughts from my head and

I think you should use 'annoying' rather than annoyed.

Other than that, there's really nothing else. Except for a second I did think this chapter was bit rushed as if you really wanted to get them into that forest and see the robed dudes, which I must add, were totally freaky! All they did was say one word and it's like, whoa! Who are they? Haha...
Anyway, awesome job on this chapter, I'm actually really looking forward to the next one.
Till next time,

~Pink
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