Young Writers Society

IRRELEVANT TO STORY INTRO: Hey guys, I decided to post my first edit of chapter one. I'm looking for tips on writing style and punctuation. Because I feel VERY rusty. So thanks for reading!





Synopsis: Frankie is a Orphan, he isn't good looking or intelligent, he is just a very average teenager. The only remarkable trait of his is his daredevil personality, he can never say no to a dare. Then one day his best friend Kris dares Frankie to spend the night in a abandon haunted house. Which he of course accepts, only to find out two things. Demons are real and he is going to need a miracle to survive a night in this house.


Chapter One

"I love you mom," says a bouncy young Carrie crawling into her bedsheets.
I walk over to my daughters bed with the biggest smile I can manage upon my face. Arms on my hip I admire her for just a brief moment, she looks a lot like her father, Pity. How can someone so pure and good come from someone so maniacal and revolting?
"I love you Pumpkin, sleep tight." I grab her blanket and wrap it around her warm body. I can tell she is happy being tucked into bed tonight, I haven't seen her smile so wide in a long time. I kiss her forehead gently and turn to go down stairs and shower before I hear Carrie's musical voice pipe up.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, Pumpkin?"
"When's daddy coming home," She asks. Her voice trembles like she just asked something wrong. Wondering why she is acting so sketchy, I approach her bedside once more.
"Daddy will be home later tonight. Why? What's the matter?"
"Because I heard you crying last night, mommy. When I took a midnight trip to the bathroom, I hope you know I love you," She crawls out from under the covers and wraps me in a tight embrace. Well, as tight as my six year old daughter can manage. I manage to hold back tears as I hug Carrie back, it seems like I'm becoming a professional at not showing emotion. Well, maybe not so much if Carrie heard me last night.
"Your so smart, baby" I tell her. She lets me go and sits on her bed. Legs folded like she is sitting in her classroom.
"Mommy knows you love her," I assure her, "But, things our rough on me and Daddy right now, but lucky for you, you have strong parents and we will get through this. I love you Pumpkin," I wrap her up in another hug before tucking her back into her bed.
"Go to sleep my little care bear," I get up and turn to leave once more.
"Mommy?"
I stifle a laugh and turn back towards my daughter.
"Yes?"
"Will you please leave the door open tonight," Carrie asks?
"Sure babe." I leave the door open and walk out, I manage to make it a couple feet into the hallway before I hear her voice once more.
"Mommy?"
"Yeah,' I bellow.
"Will you also leave the bathroom light on?"
This month our electricity bill was pretty high, I really shouldn't. Larry would not be happy if I let her.
"Yes sweetie, I will."
I flip around and walk to the bathroom and flip the light on.
"Good night baby, don't let the bed bugs bite.”

I'm down in my bathroom, taking one of the longest showers of my life, thinking about what miracles we will need to make it through the next month. I can't keep living paycheck to paycheck, It's not good for me or the rest of the family. Speaking of family, I wonder where my husband is.
I sit down on one of the built in seats in the shower, Gods greatest invention for sure and begin to shave my legs. I called Larry's work earlier tonight, because he was supposed to be off around eight, it was around ten before I hoped in the shower. Was he off cheating with Monica again, maybe he is off getting totally wasted with his boys? Either way, Larry's getting his ear nagged off tonight.
CREEEAACK, I hear the bathroom door open, perfect timing for Larry to come home.
"If you even try to hop in this shower with me mister I'm going to chop off your penis."
No answer.

Back upstairs in the cold dark room, Carrie's scared. She can hear her mommy in the shower and knows that if she yells to her, to tell her what's in the closet the monster will hop out and eat her. Carrie's facing the wall, eyes wide open, tireless. Her back is to the monster hoping it will just go away, it does this every night, It says if she tells he'll kill her whole family.
Carrie begins to sob, from the closet she hears it's deep throat laughter, it's like a animal. She begins to realize now that no matter what she does the monster is going to eat her and her family. Carrie doesn't want to die, she also doesn't want anything to happen to her parents.
"MOMMY! HELP!" Carrie screams leaping from her bed, running to her only protector.
The demon leaps from the closet and grabs Carries little body and throws her to the ground, Carrie is crying and screaming. Her leg snapped from the impact to the ground.
"Good bye, little Carrie," The monster says. Carrie screams, the monster's claws tear threw her throat cutting short the cry for her mother.

I hear my daughter scream.
"Larry, go check on your daughter!" I begin to hurry and wash the shampoo from my eyes, Larry doesn't answer.
"Larry god damn it," I bellow and yank back the shower curtain. Standing maybe two inches away from me is a creature of unimaginable horror. Body like a man but gray. Thick, black, tangled shoulder length hair and eyes., big black and soulless eyes.
"CARRIE!"
The demon laughs, showing his sharp menacing teeth. Then it lunges for me, I throw my arms up but to no effect, the monster's jaw clamp's tight around my throat and I can feel my life ending. I can hear my baby crying from the other room. My last thought before eternal darkness is hoping that by some miracle the beast hasn't murdered my family.

Wow, very well written. I liked it very much. After reading the first few paragraphs I wasn't sure you were going to link it with your synopsis but well done! I didn't see that coming. My only thing is when the story changes from the mothers point of view in 1st person, and to the point of view with the daughter in 3rd person, I got slightly confused because there wasn't much indication that the story was changing points of view. Maybe try putting a line between the sections or a larger space? Just a suggestion. PM me when you post more! Can't wait to read on!
-Z

I was thinking that people may become confused about the character switch, I debated between telling Carrie's part in first or third person. I thought that if I went third person then people would become less confused.. Maybe I was wrong? Hmm, Thank you for the review!

It would be interesting to see the little girls first person reaction to the situation. It could be a more intense reading and description than having it in third person? And your welcome

Wow, very creepy and very good. There are a lot of things I like about this work:
-I really like the use of present tense, it works for the thriller style of the story.
-The shift from the mom's point of view to the third person description is good, but kind of choppy. It might work better if it was in the little girl's point of view. It would make the shift a bit less... out of place.
-The way you describe the monster vaguely is really intriguing to me. It makes it seem as if its not really a monster but just a normal killer that looks as scary as a monster. Or if it really is a monster, it still makes me want to read on to find out the nature, origins, and intentions of the monsters.
The only thing that bothered me is for noises like "CREEEAACK", should be italicized.
Good job! Can't wait to read the next chapter.

Thank you! I will probably now write Carrie's perspective in first person. Everyone is saying it would be better so I'll give it a shot!

Hi Amnien,
I loved the story and your narration style but I have one problem with this. The synopsis says that it is about Frankie but he seems to be nowhere here. Is he going to come later?There's one big problem with your writing; You add two sentences with comma when they don't seem connected.
For eg:

"Because I heard you crying last night, mommy. When I took a midnight trip to the bathroom, I hope you know I love you,"

Here you didn't need to put comma after'to the bathroom'. They are different sentences.
Dude, you have lot of problem with punctuation.

"I love you mom," says a bouncy young Carrie crawling into her bedsheets.

I walk over to my daughter's bed with the biggest smile I can manage upon my face. Arms on my hip, I admire her for just a brief moment, she looks a lot like her father. Pity! How can someone so pure and good come from someone so maniacal and revolting?

"I love you Pumpkin, sleep tight." I grab her blanket and wrap it around her warm body. I can tell she is happy being tucked into bed tonight, I haven't seen her smile so wide in a long time. I kiss her forehead gently and turn to go down stairs and shower before I hear Carrie's musical voice pipe up.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Pumpkin?"

"When's daddy coming home?," She asks. Her voice trembles like she just has asked something wrong. Wondering why she is acting so sketchy, I approach her bedside once more.

"Daddy will be home later tonight. Why? What's the matter?"

"Because I heard you crying last night, mommy. When I took a midnight trip to the bathroom. I hope you know I love you," She crawls out from under the covers and wraps me in a tight embrace. Well, as tight as my six year old daughter can manage. I manage to hold back tears as I hug Carrie back, it seems like I'm becoming a professional at not showing emotion. Well, maybe not so much if Carrie heard me last night.

"You're so smart, baby" I tell her. She lets me go and sits on her bed. Legs folded like she is sitting in her classroom.

"Mommy knows you love her," I assure her, "But, things our rough on me and Daddy right now, but lucky for you, you have strong parents and we will get through this. Don't make a sentence so long and boring. Just divide it. I love you Pumpkin," I wrap her up in another hug before tucking her back into her bed.

"Go to sleep my little care bear," I get up and turn to leave once more.

"Mommy?"

I stifle a laugh and turn back towards my daughter.

"Yes?"

"Will you please leave the door open tonight?," Carrie asks?

"Sure babe." I leave the door open and walk out,. I manage to make it a couple feet into the hallway before I hear her voice once more.

"Mommy?"

"Yeah,' I bellow.

"Will you also leave the bathroom light on?"

This month our electricity bill was pretty high, I really shouldn't. Larry would not be happy if I let her.

"Yes sweetie, I will."

I flip around and walk to the bathroom and flip the light on. Don't repeat the word 'flip' again and again. Instead use 'turn' once.

"Good night baby, don't let the bed bugs bite.”



I'm down in my bathroom, taking one of the longest showers of my life, thinking about what miracles we will need to make it through the next month. I can't keep living paycheck to paycheck, it's not good for me or the rest of the family. Speaking of family, I wonder where my husband is.

I sit down on one of the built in seats in the shower, Gods greatest invention for sure and begin to shave my legs. I called at Larry's work earlier tonight, because he was supposed to be off around eight, it was around ten before I hopped in the shower. Was he off cheating with Monica again, maybe he is off getting totally wasted with his boys? Either way, Larry's getting his ear nagged off tonight.

CREEEAACK, I hear the bathroom door open, perfect timing for Larry to come home.

"If you even try to hop in this shower with me mister, I'm going to chop off your penis."

No answer.



Back upstairs in the cold dark room, Carrie's scared. She can hear her mommy in the shower and knows that if she yells to her, to tell her what's in the closet, the monster will hop out and eat her. Carrie's facing the wall, eyes wide open, tireless. Her back is to the monster hoping it will just go away, it does this every night, It says if she tells anyone he'll kill her whole family.

Carrie begins to sob, from the closet she hears it's deep throat laughter, it's like a animal. She begins to realize now that no matter what she does the monster is going to eat her and her family. Carrie doesn't want to die, she also doesn't want anything to happen to her parents.

"MOMMY! HELP!" Carrie screams leaping from her bed, running to her only protector.

The demon leaps from the closet and grabs Carries little body and throws her to the ground, Carrie is crying and screaming. Her leg snapped from the impact to the ground.

"Good bye, little Carrie," The monster says. Carrie screams, the monster's claws tear threw her throat cutting short the cry for her mother.



I hear my daughter scream.

"Larry, go check on your daughter!" I begin to hurry and wash the shampoo from my eyes, Larry doesn't answer.

"Larry god damn it," I bellow and yank back the shower curtain. Standing maybe two inches away from me is a creature of unimaginable horror. Body like a man but gray. Thick, black, tangled shoulder length hair and eyes., big black and soulless eyes.

"CARRIE!"

The demon laughs, showing his sharp menacing teeth. Then it lunges for me, I throw my arms up but to no effect, the monster's jaw clamp's tight around my throat and I can feel my life ending. I can hear my baby crying from the other room. My last thought before eternal darkness is hoping that by some miracle the beast hasn't murdered my family.

I liked the story and I am going to check out chapter-2.

Amnien wrote: "When's daddy coming home," She asks. Her voice trembles like she just asked something wrong. Wondering why she is acting so sketchy, I approach her bedside once more.

This should be question mark, not a coma

Amnien wrote: "But, things our rough on me and Daddy right now,

"our" should be "are" and the D on "Daddy" doesn't need capitolization.

Amnien wrote: I flip around and walk to the bathroom and flip the light on.

using that verb twice in the same sentence doesn't sound right. Perhaps make the first "flip" something like, "spun."

Amnien wrote: , Gods greatest invention for sure and begin

There should be a comma after "Begin"

Amnien wrote: me mister I'm going

There should probably be a comma after "I'm"

I really liked the story! It's exhilerating.
It gave me shivers near the end, but I loved it!
I'll look at chapter 2 as soon as I can!

Thanks guys! I know I have some crappy punctuation, I'll try to work harder at it and see if I can get any better!