Login  •  Register





Fists Clutched with Hurt


Fists Clutched with Hurt

Postby crescent on Wed Mar 10, 2010 11:08 pm

Spoiler! :
WARNING: THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THE POEM ARE NOT MEANT FOR YOU TO DO IN REAL LIFE!!! DO NOT GO OUT MURDERING PEOPLE WHO HAVE HURT YOU!!!

Tears ran down his cheeks,
all those nights of restless sleep.
Sorrow they would never see,
anger simmering like a brew.
Names marring his once vivacious soul.
Malicious words is all he hears.
Fists clutched with rage,
someday they would have to pay.
He thought, why not let that be today?

Weapon in his hand,
Head filled with dirty plans.
Blood spattered on the walls,
he wanted to see them crawl.
He wanted to see their pain.

Words engraved into his heart,
tearing his soul apart.
No one there to stop him,
no one there to love him,
no one told him this was wrong.
No one had been there to stop them when he was not strong.
The predator now the prey,
horror marked on their face.
They would have to pay.

Tears rolled down his cheeks,
he shuddered at what he’d done.
Blood shed with his hands,
this wasn’t what he had planned.
He’d never wanted this type of revenge,
all he had wanted was friends.

Officers took him to their car,
he knew they’d soon put him behind metal bars.
This wasn’t what he deserved.
It wasn’t what should have occurred.
If someone could of loved him,
if someone could of held him,
if someone could of kept him sane,
maybe things wouldn’t be this way.
No one helped him in his cell,
no one stopped him when he tied the sheets in a loop.
No on stopped him when he hung himself.
If only someone could have loved him,
Then maybe he’d be someone else.
Last edited by crescent on Fri Mar 12, 2010 2:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
Life is strange. Enjoy the unexpected. There's always another side to the picture, a shadow lurking in the dark.
crescent
Senior Writer
User avatar
Reviews: 90
90
 
Gender: None specified
Location: Planet Earth, aka the Blue Planet
Posts: 203
Points: 11948 | Donate | Give Gift
Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:14 am
Blog: View Blog (10)

Re: Fists Clutched with Hurt

Postby fiction903 on Thu Mar 11, 2010 12:39 am

I think your poem is awesome. It is very descriptive and emotional. I only have one suggestion
Head filled with dirty plans.
I wish you would change dirty plans because I think it is a weak word compared to the other words in the poem in relation to what you are talking about, which is murder.Does the person have a vendetta? Does he loathe the other people? Anyway I thought it was good. keep writing fiction.
fiction903
Senior Writer
Reviews: 114
114
 
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Location: The land of a thousand lakes.
Posts: 174
Points: 13235 | Donate | Give Gift
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:02 pm

Re: Fists Clutched with Hurt

Postby Kamas on Thu Mar 11, 2010 3:50 am

One note, that turned me from hesitant to not wanting to review this at all:

WARNING: THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THE POEM ARE NOT MEANT FOR YOU TO DO IN REAL LIFE!!! DO NOT GO OUT MURDERING PEOPLE WHO HAVE HURT YOU!!!


Do you seriously, I mean seriously think your reader is that stupid? Or that your poem can create such an impression on a person to go around killing other beings? If you degrade your reader from the beginning, do you expect them to make an effort for you?

Just because I don't want this to be my only point:

No one there to stop him,
no one there to love him,
no one told him this was wrong.
No one had been there to stop them when he was not strong.


No one, no one, no one blah blah blah. This is a dull repetition that is just heavy and unoriginal. We get it, no one was available for this man. Okay, no need to repeat yourself.

If you want to write a good poem, assume your reader has a level of IQ equivalent or preferably above yours. Even if they don't.

Good luck, and PM if you have any questions.

Kamas
"You're not Ulysses, baby" - Franz Ferninand
Kamas
illusionist
User avatar
Reviews: 284
284
 
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Location: building a pair of wings
Posts: 1815
Points: 66852 | Donate | Give Gift
Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:42 am
Blog: View Blog (135)
 
Badges:
Reviewer 1StorybookerReviewer 21001 Posts

Re: Fists Clutched with Hurt

Postby crescent on Fri Mar 12, 2010 2:45 am

Personally, I think that sometimes people do things that are irrational. Sometimes words can stimulate things to happen. Like the messages in music tend to affect us. I do not think my reader has an IQ level lower than my own.
Life is strange. Enjoy the unexpected. There's always another side to the picture, a shadow lurking in the dark.
crescent
Senior Writer
User avatar
Reviews: 90
90
 
Gender: None specified
Location: Planet Earth, aka the Blue Planet
Posts: 203
Points: 11948 | Donate | Give Gift
Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:14 am
Blog: View Blog (10)



< Return to Narrative Poetry

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests