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A conversation with my friend
A conversation with my friend

by Undercover_Ninja in Other
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on November 23, 2005
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Short excerpt from a possibly long story

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Eleanor Rigby   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 9:05 pm    Post subject: Short excerpt from a possibly long story Reply with quote

*I'm trying to write a story for a story writing competition, but I seem to be stuck. I'm not writing as well as I used to. But anyway, this is a short part of the possibly long story that I'm writing for the competition, and I was hoping that you guys would read it and tell me if it's any good. It's not much of anything yet, but it's the start of something. The middle and end are yet to be written.*

The waves pounded furiously towards the moss-covered rocks, washing away some things of the past, leaving behind the foundations to create a new beginning. Lily loved to watch the tide come in and out, watching it leave behind the mysteries of the lake, bringing in the memories of long ago. The leaves had begun to fall towards the ground all around Lily, surrounding her with what felt like a protective hand, shielding her eyes from reality.

She had lost track of how long she had been sitting on that rock. She’d lost track of time and space: of life itself. She was so, utterly alone, and in the end, so was everyone else, no matter what lies everyone told themselves. It seemed like life was a runaway train, skidding along the tracks, finally ending in a great cacophonic burst of ardor; people were merely the wheels that helped the train reach its inevitable end. Yet, there she remained, completely alone, without a soul in the world knowing where she was. The city was behind her, absolute freedom before her. Her thoughts began to consume her being, forcing her to forget everything and everyone, even herself. She wanted to stay that way forever; nothing had ever been more comforting.

It wasn’t as though anything had even happened. No one had died, no catastrophic events had transpired, and no heart-ache was at hand. Lily had suddenly, randomly come to the conclusion that maybe our everyday existence wasn’t everything it was cut out to be. Maybe our actions and reactions were merely just that; perhaps they were absolutely trivial in comparison to the rest. And this unattainable echelon was incomparable to the world around her. Yet, she would sometimes question her own credibility as to whether this impossible something really existed. If it didn’t, did the “possible” exist? For if one didn’t trust their own mind, then who was there left to trust, if, in fact, we were alone?

As she glanced precariously over the bay, she noted a painfully happy woman with her perfect baby strolling along nearby. Lily didn’t know why, but she cursed the woman’s happiness with every ounce of her soul. This wasn’t necessarily out of jealousy; she just knew in her heart that there was no way that this woman would ever see much in anything. And worse, that she remained cloaked in her utter unawareness with every intention of staying that way. Similarly, the baby was entrenched in blissful ignorance; completely pure and innocent, shrouded in a veil of safety, but for how long? How long would that baby be sheltered by his sickeningly perfect mother?

She looked back towards the water and wondered what could drive people to become so unreservedly afraid of themselves. The waves crashed unrelentingly, splashing Lily with the tears of those forgotten memories that could never be avenged. They felt like broken shards of glass against her raw, exposed skin, leaving her with the feeling that she carried their burden deep within her soul where her mind rarely wandered; that surreptitious place where stories are born.

Lily stirred at the sound of voices behind her. A group of teenagers, around Lily’s age, all sauntered by her, heading towards the alcove that they had made their own. She noticed they carried two large bags, undoubtedly filled with bottles teeming with alcohol. Its use was intended surely for some sort of veneration on Monday morning, by talking about how much they didn’t remember from the tumultuous weekend before. She was grateful when they passed by her, in search of their more appropriate drinking spot.

As the sun set, Lily felt comforted by the approaching darkness; a close blanket to shield her from unfriendly eyes. Dusk was upon her, and the waves seemed to die down, blending into the horizon creating a solid block of nothingness before her eyes, destroying the line between truth and imagination.


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Tazy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 5:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am amazed no one else has comented it ws fantastic discription really drew the reader in.

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Brian   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 6:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gotta give replies time Wink

This story reminds me very much of my Uncle. He has an IQ of 185, but when you get that intelligent, you begin to question the meaningfulness of everything. Why should we go to work everyday? Why should we go about as rats through a maze that has no end? If you have no faith to keep yourself standing up, you eventually just give up, as my Uncle pretty much has, and as this protaganist pretty much has as well.

You're sentence structure is very "clausy." There's no grammatical errors that I spotted, but you got clauses everywhere. While that's fine, it does make for hard reading. It's better to keep sentences simple and down to no more than two or three clauses. There were a couple that had twice that number. There's also a couple times where you say things that were already implied. For instance:
"The leaves had begun to fall towards the ground all around Lily, surrounding her with what felt like a protective hand, shielding her eyes from reality. "
"Shielding her eyes from reality" is already implied by the symbolism of the protective hand. You're just stating something in another way. While this does make it more noticeable, it also sounds very redundant.

All in all, I did like this story. The opening is a bit slow, but I like how you carefully took the time to paint a picture of Lily's angst and turmoil for the reader. You get an idea of who Lily is and why she is alone without ever feeling like you're just telling us this. Nice job.

It'd be interesting to see where this goes. Right now, it actually sounds finished, but pm me when you got the rest posted. If it's a long story, it may take me a week to read it, but I'll comment on it eventually.

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This thread was created on November 23, 2005

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