Valentine

Here is a fun little story I am working on. It should be well edited, so don't worry about that in your comments. Please just tell me what you like, and what needs work please. Thanks a lot!


~Shades of Violet~




be•gin•ning
–noun
1. an act or circumstance of entering upon an action or state: the beginning of hostilities.
2. the point of time or space at which anything begins: the beginning of the Christian era; the beginning of the route.
3. the first part: the beginning of the book; the beginning of the month.
4.often, beginnings. the initial stage or part of anything: the beginnings of science.
5. origin; source; first cause: A misunderstanding about the rent was the beginning of their quarrel.

(the part where everything goes wrong)

[1] [burns] [Friday]

There were three main reasons why people ended up at Saint Peter’s. One: they were kicked out of so many schools that it was the only one that would accept them. Two: their parents believed the brochure and thought it would be a great environment for their unwanted child. Three: It was either that, or juvenile detention. For me, it was the second option. Unfortunately, I was the minority.

▪▫▪


My eyes felt terribly heavy. It took all my dwindling will power to keep myself from passing out and falling like a fool onto the auditorium floor. There was a faint chatter of excitement around me, mostly kids freaking out about the needle. Right after classes had ended, and dinner closed at the cafeteria, we’d been rounded up like cattle into the auditorium. We were going to be administered a vaccine for some new influenza that was going around. Apparently, a lot of kids were scared of needles. It seemed that the druggies huddled in the corner and I were the only ones who really didn’t care.
I glanced at my watch. The hour hand was twitching toward the seven. I was a few people from the front. Millions of better ways to spend Friday evening spun around in my head.
I brushed my hair out of my eyes wishing again that I’d been sick today. A voice resounded over the loud speaker. With great persuasion from the teachers scattered throughout the room, the noise died down.

“As you all know,” the voice began, “today you either have received or will be receiving the J1l2 influenza vaccine. It has come to my knowledge that some students are attempting to get out of this. I will have you all know that we have already sent letters to your parents and all of them happily signed, agreeing that this is beneficial. Anybody that gets written down for misbehaving will be spending the rest of tonight with me.”
A low groan rippled through the students.
“Thank you.”

Immediately after the speaker clicked off, conversations roared up. I remained quiet, and returned the stare of a gothic girl behind me. Black makeup shadowed her eyes, which looked blankly back at me. I noticed a silver nose stud sparkle before I looked away.

The auditorium lights dangled down like glowing spiders, casting an uncomfortably hot light onto my back. I shifted on my feet and crossed my arms impatiently. Once again, my eyes were threatening to close, and then someone or something pummeled into me.

The body hit me like a train, sending a spike of pain up my shoulder. I stumbled back, and pitifully attempted to regain my bearings to see what happened. A girl was lying on the ground right where I had been standing. She was covering her face with her hand and her body was shaking.

I stepped toward her and kneeled down. I didn’t remember seeing her before, but at this school, kids came and went all too frequently. I was about to ask her what had happened when a shout rang out, echoing in vibratos that surged with anger. A boy was storming towards me. His spiked black hair was static with rage.

I quickly sprung to my feet and watched him as he wove his way through the students towards me and the girl. He was a lot bigger than me, probably over six foot. He wore a tight t-shirt, which did little to cover the hardened muscles underneath. As he came within a couple yards, his gray eyes focused on me.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked, and halted directly in front of me. His arms were strait at his side, stiff with emotion. He lowered his face to mine. I could feel his warm breathe dance on my forehead.

“That depends,” I half answered, and began sifting through the outcomes of the situation. The smartest thing I could do was say “sorry” and just leave him alone; the most cowardly, but smartest. I could do that, or try to be a hero and get myself killed. I could tell by the way this guy held himself that he was used to getting his way.

“What do you mean, ‘It depends’?” He waited for a response and something metallic glittered in his hand.

“I mean, that-,” I began, and was cut off as a teacher pushed me back. I couldn’t believe my luck. My eyes flashed down to the girl. She was still on the ground, peering from behind her hand to see what was happening.
The teacher confronted the boy with supreme confidence. He stood with his hands on his hips and returned the boy’s stare. When the boy didn’t say anything, the teacher pulled a pink detention slip out of his pant’s pocket and handed it to him.

“I suggest you leave now, Mr. Steele,” the teacher said lowly. The boy clenched his jaw in embarrassment. He turned and slowly walked away. I don’t think the teacher noticed the kid had a knife. Otherwise the consequences would have been far more severe.
The teacher didn’t say anything to me; just gave me a curt nod and walked over to girl on the ground. He helped her up to her feet and gave her a hall pass for the nurse’s office. She glanced over to me for a moment but immediately looked away. So much for a thank you.

I tried to shake away my stupidity just as somebody prodded me on the back. I realized I was in the front of the line and glanced back to the girl. She was already at the far end of the auditorium, and quickly fading.

A young nurse escorted me into a walled off hallway that connected little rooms until she came to a specific one. It smelled like a hospital and overused air freshener. Two nurses sat in the room next to a box of individually wrapped syringes. I stood there awkwardly until one of the nurses decided to unwrap a new one.

“Which arm?” she asked, revealing a mouth of surprisingly white teeth.
I shrugged my shoulders.

“Left, I guess,” I answered, and rolled up my sleeve. Hopefully the rumors weren’t true. I wasn’t afraid of needles, but kids were saying some pretty crazy things.

“Take a deep breath,” she ordered calmly. I took a breath and felt a prick on my arm. I laughed on the inside, realizing that that was it. What a waste of time.

“That’s it, you’re done,” she stated, and dropped the used syringe into the waste basket. The trash can was almost empty. I guess I was one of the first students.

“Sweet,” I said, and walked unescorted back down the hallway and out into the auditorium. I felt fine at first. Well, except a slight sting in my arm. A teacher guided me down to a row of empty seats. I sank down into the chair and let out a heavy sigh.

A breeze toyed with my hair and the sun warmed my body. My eyes snapped open wide. There’s no sun indoors. I looked around and saw the same packed auditorium I’d been in. Why did I feel the sun? I looked ahead of me trying to focus my mind. I kept on seeing random objects floating around. Some girl was holding a telephone pole like it was a pencil. Another kid was sitting on a tiger. I let out a low groan as my vision started to blur. I heard somebody ask if I was feeling sick, and then I passed out.

I walked through the endless sea of flowers. My hands caressed their soft petals and my nose heaved in their gentle scent. They rose up in down like ocean waves in the wind. I laughed out loud. The sun beat down on me with desert heat. The sky shimmered with silver waves that twirled and intertwined together. I looked into the distance, and only saw flowers. They colored like a painter’s palette, blurring together in radiance. I coughed into my sleeve, and coughed again. Soon I was heaving uncontrollably, frantic for air.

My eyes focused. There was havoc all around me. Screams tore through the air like sirens and bodies wildly stampeded around me like spooked elephants. I stood up and tried to see what was happening. It looked like people were fighting to get out of the room. Various students were lying unconscious on the ground and a few wandered aimlessly in a trance. The main mass of students seemed to just be freaking out. I heard some screaming about the vaccine. The nurses were rushing around with blank looks in their eyes. Obviously, they didn’t know what was happening either.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I screamed. White hot heat swelled up my body and singed my mind. It felt like I was being burned alive. My eyes rolled up into my head. But as soon it came, it was gone. I staggered forward and glimpsed a girl running away. The same girl I had saved earlier. Without hesitating, I sprinted after her.

Nobody noticed me, or if they did, they didn’t care. I shoved my way after until I fell out of the crowd and found her sitting, crying in the corner of the auditorium. I walked up to her, and my heavy breathing startled her. She looked up at me with the purest blue eyes I had ever seen. They were like twin sapphires, sparkling brightly.

“I’m sorry,” she said, in between sobs.

“What happened back there?” I asked. None of this made sense. It was for this very reason that I never tripped.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Did I hurt you?” She shook away her tears and looked at the ground.

“How?”

“I said I don’t know,” she answered. “Something happened to me.”

“I felt like I was on fire,” I stated, and slid into a sitting position next to her.

“What arm did you choose?” She asked.

“Left. Why?” She nodded to herself and a single tear trickled down her cheek.

“What’s going on here?” A unidentified voice asked, yet a familiar one. The boy from earlier stood over me, casting a shadow over us both. I don’t know what happened to me then. All I know is that I got really angry.

“How about you get the heck out of here,” I said, and stood up. He looked up at me surprised, and then his eyes glinted with amusement.

“Or what?” He asked, a grin spreading across his face.

“Get out of here Drake,” the girl said quietly from behind me. Anger flared up in his eyes and he took a step forward.

“What did I say earlier about-,” he began, and then I slammed my fist into his stomach. He doubled over, surprise clear on his face.

“Oh no you didn’t,” he said, regaining his composure. His fists rose and I could almost feel the punches. Then he doubled over again. His mouth opened in a silent scream and his eyes stared emptily at me. The girl was standing behind him, hands clasped onto his shoulders. After a minute, she let go, and he tumbled unconscious to the ground.

“What the heck was that?” I asked, panic rising with each word.

“I told you, I don’t know,” she answered.

“Well at least guess,” I pleaded. She looked up at me and I did a double take. Her eyes were crimson now, like deep pools of blood. The light caught them and they glistened with a red sparkle. Her lips quivered and she looked like she was about to cry. I walked up to her, attempting to comfort her.

“Don’t touch me!” She screamed. I stepped backward and watched helplessly as she ran away into the masses of students and disappeared.

I looked around; nobody had noticed the fight. They were too busy checking on their friends and talking to the paramedics that were now tending to the sick students.

“Nobody leave the auditorium!” I heard a teacher shout. Whatever was causing this, they wanted to contain it. I glanced at each door. There was a total of four that led out of the auditorium and one that led into the back of the stage. There was no way I was letting myself get stuck in this madhouse.

I picked the door that seemed to have the least teachers around it and strode toward it. Right as I reached it, I saw Drake leaving on a stretcher out of the opposite door, still staring intently at nothing. I rubbed my eyes. My vision wasn’t totally back to normal. Every time I focused on a single object, it would morph into something else. Only after I blinked a couple times would it return to normal.

I waited at my door until the one female teacher that was standing guard rushed away in the aid of a student who had just collapsed. In a split second, I was out.
As I walked through the hallways, the face of the girl was embedded in my mind. Her blood-colored eyes seemed intensely deadly and beautiful at the same time. I wondered if I would see her again.

Repeatedly, I had to hide as more paramedics careened past me. Fortunately, I was never seen and made it to my dormitory with so further symptoms.

My room was nearly empty. A few students had made their way back like me. Derek was lying on his bunk, gazing at the ceiling. I walked over to him and climbed onto the top bed. The springs sank down underneath me.

“Emily’s in the hospital,” he murmured up to me. “She looked pretty bad. I don’t know if she’ll make it.” I remained silent, processing what he had just said. Derek and Emily were hardly ever seen apart. They were twins. She was what balanced Derek’s usually static personality. My brow furrowed as I tried to imagine Derek without Emily.

“She’ll make it Derek,” I said back. “They just don’t know what happened.”
I adjusted myself onto my back and waited for a response. Thoughts were racing through my head. What was happening to me? How many people were sick? What had caused all this? And most of all: Who was that girl? Before I heard a reply from Derek, I fell into a restless sleep. A sleep filled with crimson eyes.


The original version has been changed because of grammatical errors and believability. I hope you like it better this way.



Please tell me what you think. Thanks a lot guys!

Valentine

This was a pretty interesting read. I have only a few suggestions.

One: we have no idea (until the part about the boys' dorm) that the character is a guy, and still no idea what his name is.

Two: needles wouldn't be left in a pile on a desk. They'd be in a special container.

Three: there are a few places where a word could be cut out or put in to make it easier to read, and flow better.

Other than this, I have no edits to make.

I really like the idea, and want to find out more about that guy, and his friend's twin.

What's gonna happen to him? (he needs a name badly)

All in all, this was very exciting, it kept me reading.

Great job!

This has so many possibilities. I can't wait to read on! One little thing though, throughout the entire story, I thought the character was a girl. It wasn't until I read vox nihili's review that I clued in. Though it may be hard to do at this point, perhaps you could mention somewhere earlier that he's a boy.

Something told me that I would, but as I walked into me the boy’s North-East dorm room, I feared I wouldn’t.

I cannot understand this sentence, especially the part I put in bold. Could you rephrase it?

Anyway, I thought this was really cool. I enjoyed reading it. But, it may be slightly cliche. Of course, it's impossible to avoid cliches nowadays, and this isn't bad like that at all. Just be careful, is all I'm saying.
Well, there sure is a lot of mystery in this. I really, really want to find out who the girl is.
Oh and by the way, I like your writing style.

~ Crazy

I loved this. While there were some awkward phrases and probably some grammatical errors, I'm not one to get real nit-picky with critiques, and I can't find any real pressing issues to mention. I really liked the first paragraph, the imagery when he was delusional, and just the piece as a whole. I think you did this piece in a very original way.
Anyway, mostly I felt the urge to review this to digress from the other reviews and say I do NOT think you need to clarify that he is a guy. I do not think you should, either. We girls tend to assume every narrator is a girl when reading a piece, unless we're directly told otherwise, and we shouldn't do this. Though I was a little unsure if your MC was a boy or a girl throughout the first couple paragraphs, I found it clear he was a guy when I came to this line: "He was a lot bigger than me, probably over six foot." That's something a guy would think, not a girl. A girl would think "He was very tall and towered over me." And reading the rest of the piece supported that he was a guy. So good job. Don't dumb it down for us by directly telling us his gender or his name. The most well-written stories use subtly and force us readers to be perceptive - and your piece does a good job of this. Only provide information as it would come naturally - so I don't think you need to mention his name yet either. A narrator isn't gonna realistically think "My name is George", and your other characters hadn't had cause to use his name yet. SO good job! Mostly I just wanted to be a voice of support for what you have now so that you wouldn't go changing it. I like it a lot, it's very good.

It took all my dwindling will power to keep myself from passing out and falling like a fool onto the auditorium floor.

Apparently, a lot of kids were scared of needles. It seemed that the druggies and I were the only ones who really didn’t care.

If he doesn't care, why is he about to faint?

I glanced at my watch. The hour hand was twitching toward the seven. Even now, the line snaked on endlessly. I could think of a million better ways to spend my Friday evening.I brushed my dark hair out of my eyes wishing again that I’d been sick today.

Try to start your sentences with something other than I.

“Thank-you.”

You don't need the dash.

I noticed a silver nose stud sparkle before I looked away uncomfortably.

The auditorium lights dangled down like glowing spiders, casting an uncomfortably hot light onto my back.

Use another word besides uncomfortably.

A boy was storming towards me; his spiked black hair was static with rage.

The semicolon should be a comma.

his grey eyes focused on me.

Grey is spelled gray.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asked

He shouldn't be capitalized.

She was still on the ground, peering from behind his hand to see what was happening.

His should be her.

The boy clenched his jar in embarrassment.

Jar should be jaw.

They colored like a painter’s palette, blurring together in radiance.

I coughed into my sleeve, and coughed again. Soon I was heaving uncontrollably, frantic for air.

The face of the girl was imbedded in my mind.

Imbedded is spelled embedded.

Your story is definitely interesting. It has a good plot, and you know exactly how much to describe. It becomes clear that the main character is a boy, and you don't need a name. I would read the next part.

Valentine

Thank you guys for the comments. To answer some of your questions though:to Eliza, he is about to pass out because he is so tired, not to be confused with fainting. I think I will not say his name anywhere. It will become very obvious in the following chapters and it sounds corny when I write it in. Well, I have around 4 chapter, around 18 pages so far. I will keep on writing and gradually post it on here. I did edit my own copy of the chapter. I didn't change it here because it's very annoying to do so. Thanks again peeps!

Valentine

Hi there! Here to *nomnomnom* your work!

First off, some…
Nitpicks

Anybody that gets written down for misbehaviour will be spending the rest of tonight with me

‘Misbehaving’ seems like a better choice. ‘misbehavior’ is sort of more of a noun while ‘misbehaving’ is more of a verb adding action to the story!

I was about to ask her if she was ok when a shout rang out, echoing in vibratos that surged with anger.

As a general rule, I personally try to avoid the use of the word “ok” and “okay.” I think they have too much of a slang-like feeling. “Alright” is a much more suitable substitute.

The smartest thing I could do was say sorry and just leave him alone;

Okay, this is something really small but it’s something that might get overlooked at first and even second glance. The way things are worded, because of “say” being placed directly in front of “sorry” then it should be written as: “…do was say “sorry” and just…” It’s something to do with direct quotes or another one of those silly grammar rules.
Or you could forget the dialogue markers and just insert “that I was” in front of ‘say.’

*is done being dorky for grammar.*

She was still on the ground, peering from behind his hand to see what was happening.

I think you might have meant ‘her.’ No?

“I suggest you leave now, Mr. Steele,”

I see plenty of people forget to add the comma around a name when someone is being addressed directly.

“Which arm?” She asked, revealing a mouth of surprisingly white teeth. I shrugged my shoulders.
“Left, I guess,” I answered, and rolled up my sleeve. Hopefully the rumors weren’t true. I wasn’t afraid of needles, but kids were saying some pretty crazy things.

That sentence that’s bolded, it’s the Narrators actions but it’s in the paragraph with the nurses actions and words. It should go down into the next paragraph which is about the Narrator, not the nurse.

She looked up at me with the purest blue eyes I had ever seen. They were like twin sapphires, sparkling brightly.

I’m going to give you the same link that I found not too long ago when I received some criticism on this same issue.
Purple Prose
Really, it just means that you’re showing way more than you need to, to a point where it’s rather cliché and over done.

Not waiting around, I left the auditorium,

First off, I’ll just mention that I shoved a comma in their because it’s at the end of a introductory phrase.
Second, and I’m not sure how to fix it, but isn’t ‘not waiting around’ and ‘leaving’ the same idea. So wouldn’t that make this repetitive? I’m not completely sure. I’m rather perplexed in fact.

Her blood-colored eyes seemed intensely deadly and beautiful at the same time.

Just making a note that ‘blood-colored’ should be hyphenated. No biggies!


One Big Chunk!

I wondered if I would see her again. Something told me that I would, but as I walked into me the boy’s North-East dorm room, I feared I wouldn’t.
The dorm was almost empty. A few students had made their way back like me. Derek was lying on his bunk, gazing at the ceiling. I walked over to him and climbed onto the top bed. The springs sank down underneath me.
“Emily’s in the hospital,” he murmured up to me. “She looked pretty bad. I don’t know if she’ll make it.” I remained silent, processing what he had just said. Derek and Emily were hardly ever seen apart. They were twins. She was what balanced Derek’s usually static personality. My brow furrowed as I tried to imagine Derek without Emily.
“She’ll make it Derek,” I said back. “They just don’t know what happened.”
I adjusted myself onto my back and waited for a response. Thoughts were racing through my head. What was happening to me? How many people were sick? What even happened? And most of all: Who was that girl? Before I heard a reply from Derek, I fell into a restless sleep. A sleep filled with crimson eyes.

Okay, this is a big chunk but I wanted to point out the things that really bothered me, this in particular. If all of this chaos is going on, wouldn’t someone who is in charge maybe, like, quarantine them or something. But he just walks out of the chaos and goes to bed. It seems a bit abnormal.


OVERALL

Beside that hunk of a chunk up above, I liked this. But you have to remember to keep the real parts of the story (ei: emotions, reactions, gravity) real and the unreal stuff, well you can be as crazy as you want with that but you have to remember to keep your descriptions detailed.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

~lilymoore

Hey guys. I just wanted to thank everybody that reviewed this and "liked" it. Its my first writing piece that has been featured. I'm pumped! Stay tune for more.

Hi Valentine, I am here to review as requested. The story started good but till the middle part I lost interest. the story line is nice and unique. The one thing I feel uncomfortable about is what happens to the girl before. Was she hurt? Also why didn't the teacher do something about the girl after giving detention slip to Drake. Also change name for either Drake or Derek as they are bit confusing , I hope that won;t change the story. Good work.

Characters: No name given to the protagonist till now. The girl with sapphire/crimson eyes is fine.
Grammar: There are no grammatical errors as such but there's one thing I want to say. People here, I have noticed are not in a habit of placing commas, which I think are really important. And you are one of them
Overall: It was a nice attempt but couldn't hold my interest for long though I really want to know about the mysterious girl and Emily.

I brushed my dark hair out of my eyes, wishing again that I’d been sick today.

I will have you all know that we have already sent letters to your parents and all of them happily signed, agreeing that this is beneficial.

Just make this line start like," I want to bring in your notice that your parents have all happily agreed to this vaccination and recognize it's benefits. Nothing is being forced on you without your parents' consent"

Anybody that gets written down for misbehavior will be spending the rest of tonight with me.

Use 'night'.

I was about to ask her if she was ok when a shout rang out, echoing in vibratos that surged with anger.

Ok sounds very weird. Use 'fine'. Or write the spelling,'okay'.

“What’s going on here?” An unidentified voice asked, yet a familiar one.

A boy was storming towards me; his spiked black hair were static with rage.

NICE WORK !!!!

Hey there, Valentine! Tis WD, as requested. I really enjoyed this; you have a strong, engaging writing style that held my interest for the entire piece. The idea itself is an interesting one and I am curious to see where you are going with it. Very cool. ^^ A lot of the sentence things have been mentioned above, so I'm just going to address some character and plot things, all right? This was really very well done; I just have a few suggestions.

I am curious about the setting. What kind of school is this? At the beginning, it reminded me of a high school, due to the long lines and the teacher giving the detention slip to that boy. Later on, you then mentioned a sort of dorm. The way I'm perceiving it now, it is some sort of high-school-esque school where students live at the school itself, yah? It may be nice to clarify this a little, so the reader gets a good feel for what age range these students are and what the school is like.

Also, believability. They have all the students trapped in the auditorium. A lot of students, including the main character, begin hallucinating. Yet they don't send him to the hospital? One would think that if a whole school of students all had this vaccine and a whole lot began acting strangely, that the school would take some measures to get the kids to a hospital or at least detain the kids to check for other symptoms. You mention the dorms are empty, but I imagine this kind of situation would call for emergency measures. The clear solution to this would be that the school administered the vaccine, knowing the students would react this way, but, in that case, why would they cooperate with the hospital at all? A lot of questions that will probably be answered later on, but it may help to touch on some of these things. Right now it seems unbelievable, almost dreamlike.

Your characters are strong! I personally would have liked to see Derek before the very end there; he seems like an important part of your main character's life, and so some prior reference to him might have been nice, but, all in all, they are shining through pretty well right now. This is a great beginning! Nice job here! Just keep in mind some of those believability and setting issues as you revise. Also, I noticed a handful of spelling errors in this, but I think you can find those yourselves by proofreading this. Keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

Well, everyone's beat me to it, so I'll just point out 2 things before I get to the second chapter.

1. The girl and him hallucinated, and it seems as though you're saying that the people who took the injection in the left arm experienced the hallucinations, while the others didn't. I can't see how a chemical could have different effects based on which arm it's administered in. Either way, it's in the same bloodstream, connected to the brain where it would induce hallucinations. Unless you can come up with a very good reason, I'm afraid you lose my suspension of disbelief here.

2. At them moment where the first student begins to hallucinate, the teachers would call a halt to the vaccinations. Judging by the short delay between him getting the jab, and hallucinating, I'd say only a few students would actually get the vaccination before it's stopped. If you want lots of them to get it (realistically), you'll need to increase the delay of the reaction.

Otherwise it was a gripping first chapter. Look out for my review of chapter 2.

Great beginning, really love your pieces. I actually thought that the main character was a girl to, but I tend to do that with almost anything I read. Seems everyone else has already corrected the little bit of mistakes that you had in there.

I walked through the endless sea of flowers. My hands caressed their soft petals and my nose heaved in their gentle scent. They rose up in down like ocean waves in the wind. I laughed out loud. The sun beat down on me with desert heat. The sky shimmered with silver waves that twirled and intertwined together. I looked into the distance, and only saw flowers. They colored like a painter’s palette, blurring together in radiance. I coughed into my sleeve, and coughed again. Soon I was heaving uncontrollably, frantic for air.



My eyes focused. There was havoc all around me. Screams tore through the air like sirens and bodies wildly stampeded around me like spooked elephants. I stood up and tried to see what was happening. It looked like people were fighting to get out of the room. Various students were lying unconscious on the ground and a few wandered aimlessly in a trance. The main mass of students seemed to just be freaking out. I heard some screaming about the vaccine. The nurses were rushing around with blank looks in their eyes. Obviously, they didn’t know what was happening either.

I was a bit confused during this scene however. I had to reread it to understand it, but maybe that is because of my own slowness? I mean, he passes out, but the first time I read it I didn't really catch the part where he comes to. Maybe you can put something in there before "My eyes focused." Something that lets the reader know that the main character is now waking up, something more obvious I mean. I hope I read it right the second time and am making some kind of sense.

Overall I really like this story and I can't wait to read more. It actually put me in a writing mood myself, which is a mood I rarely have anymore. You are very talented and I can't wait to see where this story goes.(:
So I'll be off to read more now.