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My Rant About How Stephenie Meyer Annoys Me
My Rant About How Stephenie Meyer Annoys Me

by Raimunda in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on November 19, 2005
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A Short Story Entitled: A Beggar's Tale

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:19 am    Post subject: A Short Story Entitled: A Beggar's Tale Reply with quote

[pre:4e92ea0d62]The stream of humanity passed him by. Uncaring. Unknowing. He didn't mind though, after all how could he when he was mad? And so he sat, in his tattered clothes, the sad remnants of forgotten magnificence[/pre:4e92ea0d62].

[pre:4e92ea0d62]Beside the stream, flowed a broader river of tortured machinery, emitting a cacophony of discordant shrieks, whistles and horns; all of which echoed in the resounding emptiness of that-which-was-once his mind. It had not always been so, nay- once upon a time he had been famed for the sharpness of his mind, the eloquence of his words and the wisdom gained from a millenia of experience. [/pre:4e92ea0d62]

[pre:4e92ea0d62]Now, however, that which remains from the aforementioned wisdom and brilliance is dedicated to a self-appointed duty enforced by an enduring and crippling guilt. Nostalgic thoughts such as these ran along a well-rutted road in his mind, reminding him of a former glory that in his current state, he could only dream of attaining. With a weary sigh his essence, his soul, rose up to travel down the much-trodden path of memory to revisit a time long forgotten, a time now placed in the realm of myth & legend. [/pre:4e92ea0d62]

[pre:4e92ea0d62]At that time, several chaotic wars raged, wreaking havoc and destruction upon the land and its people! These malignant conflicts continued for so long a time that it seemed as if even the perpetuation of life itself was in danger! It was into these troubled times that a young magician appeared, as if from nothing, to single-handedly restore peace. Using a ruthless and devastating form of sorcery he decimated armies and ravaged those that refused to lay down arms peacefully. As his reputation grew so too did the rumors. Some claimed he sprang from the very depths of Darkness, while yet others say he descended from the heights of Light. The Truth is that he is neither. The truth is that he is an amalgamation of both. the truth is that he is Other. He is Fey. He is Merlin. [/pre:4e92ea0d62]

[pre:4e92ea0d62]As more and more people looked to him for leadership, his power grew along with his ego. And so, inevitably, corruption set in. All too soon his happy gaze turned haughty, his jolly laugh turned cruel and his kind smile turned malicious. He began to believe that only he knew what was right and that only he could implement good things. At this point, the beginning of his downfall, his emaciated frame-situated in the present- began to rock back and forth muttering a sad lifelong mantra: "I only meant well", this was interspersed with pathetically wrenching sobs that wracked his malnourished body. Verily the fastest road to hell and damnation is the one paved with good intention. [/pre:4e92ea0d62]

[pre:4e92ea0d62]So it was that he could no longer distinguish good from evil, right from wrong. So it was that a blight was born, spreading and staining all it touched. So it was that the people came to resist the changes he brought and finally, so it came to be that he unleashed his magic upon them... [/pre:4e92ea0d62]

[pre:4e92ea0d62]His magic; loosed without constraint became a warped, sentient and twisted thing that fed on the chaos & fear it caused. It took on a shape most prominent in the peoples nightmares, that of a hooded- black robed figure with a tongue of flame that incinerated all it lashed. Each scream of terror, despair and pain that was ripped from the women, children and helpless men rent through the icy hauteur Merlin had built around his soul- laying him bare for all to see, reducing him to a mere broken husk of what he had been as his mind nearly shattered under the weight of guilt that attacked him, led on by the merciless taskmaster that was his conscience. All that saved him was his sense of duty (reborn), the sense that he must make right this most grievous wrong. [/pre:4e92ea0d62]

[pre:4e92ea0d62] So Merlin rose up once more, and with tears running down his weathered face, he called upon that earth and sky, the stars and the very cosmos from which he came. he called upon all that was good and bright, the essence of life, for this was anathema to the creature; and with all his might laid down a massive spell-construct spanning the entire length of the city and with this he ensnared the creature and consigned it to the bowels of the earth. It was, however,a two-edged sword that Merlin used for as it trapped the creature so it trapped him.[/pre:4e92ea0d62]

[pre:4e92ea0d62]Throughout the ages Merlin has sat, the focus of much pity & compassion; chained by his guilt, shackled by his sense of duty and wearing the manacle of self-pity. All this was to be undone, as Merlin- alerted by the interplay of shadow and light, realized that many hours had passed and returned to the present from his sojourn in the World of Memory...and blinked, startled as he found himself staring into the very eyes of Mayhem and listening to these words: " Hello, Father"[/pre:4e92ea0d62]

by Omar Sakr, on Sunday 20Th of November, 2005.[/pre]


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Last edited by Jiggity on Tue Nov 22, 2005 5:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Does anyone have any thoughts on this story? Any suggestions on ways to improve my writing style? Anything?

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 12:07 pm    Post subject: Re: A Short Story Entitled: A Beggar's Tale Reply with quote

i really hate it when no-one comments so i will- this probably wont be very helpful-but anyways...

i really like it, although i didn't understand most of it (lots of big words) but i still enjoyed it!




JigSaw wrote:
He didn't mind though, after all how could he when he was mad?
thats the only part i didn't lik, something about it doesnt sound right- althought that might just be me!

hope thats ok!

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If it was not 5:30am I would tell you everything I think.

But right now, I wonder where my mind is.
So, logically, I can not trust it at the moment Smile

I will come back and make a usefull comment, I promise.
For now, just understand that I have read it and liked it for the most part ^^

~Reyu

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 1:21 am    Post subject: Re: A Short Story Entitled: A Beggar's Tale Reply with quote

[quote="JigSaw"][pre:1c78d6cd23]The stream of humanity passed him by. Uncaring. Unknowing. He didn't mind though, after all how could he when he was mad? And so he sat, in his tattered clothes, the sad remnants of a forgotten magnificence[/pre:1c78d6cd23].

This is completely fine on its own. I am no grammar wiz so I can't help you there.
The only suggestion I have for this sentence is remove the letter "a" that comes before "forgotten magnificence".
It sounds better (to me at least)

[pre:1c78d6cd23]Beside the stream, flowed a broader river of tortured machinery, emitting a cacophony of discordant shrieks,whistles and horns; all of which echoed in the resounding emptiness of that-which-was-once his mind. It had not always been so, nay- once upon a time he had been famed for the sharpness of his mind, the eloquence of his words and the wisdom gained from a millenia of experience. [/pre:1c78d6cd23]

Need to hit the space bar after "shrieks,whistles".
Otherwise, no problems in this paragraph.

[pre:1c78d6cd23]Now, however, that which remains from the aforementioned wisdom and brilliance is dedicated to a self-appointed duty enforced by an enduring and crippling guilt. Nostalgic thoughts such as these ran along a well-rutted road in his mind, reminding him of a former glory that in his current state, he could only dream of attaining. With a weary sigh his essence, his soul rose up to travel down the much-trodden path of memory to revisit a time long forgotten, a time now placed in the realm of myth & legend. [/pre:1c78d6cd23]

"With a weary sigh his essence, his soul rose up to travel down the much-trodden path of memory"
Remove the word "essence" or add a comma after "his soul"

[pre:1c78d6cd23]At that time, several chaotic wars raged, wreaking havoc and destruction upon the land and its people for so long a time that it seemed as if even the perpetuation of life itself was in danger! It was into these troubled times that a young magician appeared, as if from nowhere, to single-handedly restore peace. Using a ruthless and devastating form of sorcery he decimated armies and ravaged those that refused to lay down arms peacefully. As his reputation grew so too did the rumors. Some claimed he sprang from the very depths of Darkness, while yet others say he descended from the heights of Light. The Truth is that he is neither. The truth is that he is an amalgamation of both. the truth is that he is Other. He is Fey. He is Merlin. [/pre:1c78d6cd23]

"At that time, several chaotic wars raged, wreaking havoc and destruction upon the land and its people."
Period, new sentence follows.
"as if from nowhere" this is fine but it does not have that mystic feeling, I suggest replacing the word "nowhere" with "heaven" or "nothing".


[pre:1c78d6cd23]As more and more people looked to him for leadership, his power grew along with his ego. And so, inevitably, corruption set in. All too soon his happy gaze turned haughty, his jolly laugh turned cruel and his kind smile turned malicious. He began to believe that only he knew what was right and that only he could implement good things. At this point, the beginning of his downfall, his emaciated frame-situated in the present- began to rock back and forth muttering a sad lifelong mantra: "I only meant well", this was interspersed with pathetically wrenching sobs that wracked his malnourished body. Verily the fastest road to hell and damnation is the one paved with good intention. [/pre:1c78d6cd23]

Great paragraph.

[pre:1c78d6cd23]So it was that he could no longer distinguish good from bad, right from wrong. So it was that a blight was born, spreading and staining all it touched. So it was that the people came to resist the changes he brought and finally, so it came to be that he unleashed his magic upon them... [/pre:1c78d6cd23]

"good from bad" should be "good from evil" sounds better.

[pre:1c78d6cd23]His magic; loosed without constraint became a warped, sentient and twisted thing that fed on the chaos & fear it caused. It took on a shape most prominent in the peoples nightmares, that of a hooded- black robed figure with a tongue of that flame that incinerated all it lashed. Each scream of terror, despair and pain that was ripped from the women, children and helpless men rent through the icy hauteur Merlin had built around his soul- laying him bare for to see, reducing him to a mere broken husk of what he had been as his mind nearly shattered under the weight of guilt that attacked him, led on by the merciless taskmaster that was his conscience. All that saved him was his sense of duty (reborn), the sense that he must make right this most grievous wrong. [/pre:1c78d6cd23]

"that of a hooded- black robed figure with a tongue of that flame that incinerated all it lashed"
I don't really understand what your saying. I know your trying to describe the nightmares but other than that it's just confusing. I think the problem is the word "that" right before "flame".
I suggest adding in some small detail as to describe what "that" is Smile
"laying him bare for to see" need to add "all"




[pre:1c78d6cd23]And so Merlin rose up once more and with tears running down his weathered face, he called upon that earth and sky, the stars and the very cosmos from which he came. he called upon all that was good and bright, the essence of life, for this was anathema to the creature; and with all his might laid down a massive spell-construct spanning the entire length of the city and with this he ensnared the creature and consigned it to the bowels of the earth. It was, however, two-edged sword that Merlin used for as it trapped the creature so it trapped him.[/pre:1c78d6cd23]


"And so Merlin rose up once more and with tears"
Remove both of the "and"
"It was, however, two-edged sword" Need to add "a" after "however,"


[pre:1c78d6cd23]Throughout the ages Merlin has sat,the focus of much pity&compassion; chained by his guilt, shackled by his sense of duty and wearing the manacle of self-pity. All this was to be undone, as Merlin- alerted by the interplay of shadow and light, realized that many hours had passed and returned to the present from his sojourn in the World of Memory...and blinked, startled as he found himself staring into the very eyes of Mayhem and listening to these words: " Hello, Father"[/pre:1c78d6cd23]

Hit spacebar "sat,the"
Hit spacebar twice "pity&compassion"


Ok, so ends my little correcting edits.
I know enough about correct grammar to notice most of it, but I also understand that I probably missed a lot of small grammar issues.
I suggest talking to snoink Smile lol

Anyway, on to the constructive criticism.
I loved the idea of this story. A merlin that screwed stuff up!!! awesome!!!
However, some people may find this hard to read because of your extensive vocabulary. I understood it just fine, but it is more common place to write a story with out such use of "big words".
Your not writing for the "New York Times"... At least not yet Smile
I do realize that this could be your style of writing and I don't intend to change that. (if that is the case) I like your style, I find it fulfilling and it makes for a good read.

The only thing I can find in this story that could use improving is the ending.
I thought it came too fast, and as I was scrolling down I expected to see another paragraph to the story.
You need to prolong that last paragraph until it positively feels like its coming to an end.
Most people get a tingling sensation or a feeling of awe in the final lines of a good book/story. Your last paragraph lacked that feeling.

End Rant
~Reyu

**P.S.** Those last two lines "hello, father" are extremely powerful and are my favorite part about this story. Just thought I should let you know that that last line was the kinda stuff all writers wish they had thought of first ^^

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Last edited by Reyu on Tue Nov 22, 2005 1:29 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 1:22 am    Post subject: Re: A Short Story Entitled: A Beggar's Tale Reply with quote

DOH hit submit twice Razz

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 5:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa. Okay-do you realise your rant was longer than the actual story? Not that, that matters- i personally love to rant Laughing. I've gone over the story and fixed the mistakes you noticed- thanks for bothering by the way- and i'm glad you liked the idea of a Merlin who screwed up- i did too...that's kinda why i wrote the story...

Cheers. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

JigSaw wrote:
Whoa. Okay-do you realise your rant was longer than the actual story? Not that, that matters- i personally love to rant Laughing. I've gone over the story and fixed the mistakes you noticed- thanks for bothering by the way- and i'm glad you liked the idea of a Merlin who screwed up- i did too...that's kinda why i wrote the story...

Cheers. Very Happy


Cheers Smile

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