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Snoink
Studying the Physics of Bunny Ears!
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 Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 7:03 am Post subject: X-mas present - thanks! |
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This is a Christmas present for my dad. He has everything, but he hasn't really seen my writing in awhile. This an introduction to a volume of work. I would love critiques or any comments on this, please.
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Introduction
Aha! So you have just torn off the wrapping paper, expecting something absolutely brilliant (or more chocolate cherries) and now you’re disappointed. Why? Maybe it’s the fact that it’s a book. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s written by me. Maybe it’s the fact that it doesn’t contain chocolate. Whatever the reason is, I hope you’ll forgive me soon enough, as I am immensely proud of this book.
So, what is it?
This is a collection my work spanning from ten years, consisting of several short stories, poems, and even a play. I will be frank; some of the writing is terrible. Other times, it is somewhat decent. Either way, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
I don’t know how much you know how much of an inspiration you’ve been to me throughout the years, especially for writing. From my small childhood, I remember you telling stories. Oral ones, yes, but what stories! Though we only seem to dwell on Black Beauty, I remember others. The one that pops into mind right now is one you told us creepos on Bald Mountain. We were restless and you were busy. Even so, you were trapped with us. (How could you stand us!) We were reciting Animaniacs dialogue, and I believe we were driving you crazy. But instead of yelling at us, you put on your storyteller voice and then whispered a scary story about the true reason it was called Bald Mountain…
It turns out that the real story was that there were three obnoxious kids running around. And they talked a lot, driving everybody crazy. So, late one night while they were sleeping, an evil man came out and shaved their heads. Eep!
And who can forget that time when email was young? I was with Grandma Rose and Papa George, and I got an email! I read eagerly. It was by you, I remember. You began by talking about the lovely roses… and then something weird happened. The computer was hijacked by some crazy guy, who told me that if I oinked three times, my pigs would disappear! How horrible!
Well… I did oink three times. Not by accident either. You can imagine my surprise when I suddenly found you in my bedroom, a big garbage bag in your hands, scooping my precious pigs away!
If you were just a storyteller, that would be one thing, but you were so much more than just that. You were never content with simple fiction, creating your own nonfiction stories. And you let us share them with you.
You are the main reason I am a writer. I remember when we first went into homeschooling, I remember writing a paper for you every single day. In the evenings, you would always look them over, laughing as you pointed out every spelling and grammar mistake, and milking it for all it was worth. I loved it, and that critiquing became my favorite part of the evening.
Once, I wrote a simple story, using the vocabulary I had just learned in a spelling list. I remember your face. It was serious as you read the sloppily written paper, turning the pages with a heavy rustle. Then you looked at me. Your face wasn’t full of the usual laughter, which surprised me. “You can be a great writer, Karina,” you said. And, to be honest, for the first time, my stomach sank, but not so much in fear and more of a shivering excitement instead.
I could be something.
Many people told me that before you, it’s true. Teachers would frequently talk me up, with their ever-handy supply of compliments. But you, Dad! My harshest critic, the greatest storyteller, the world-famous adventurer? It seemed impossible. I can scarcely believe it, even now.
Shortly after reading that story, you stopped reading our stories. Which, I suppose, was a good thing. After all, I started writing novels by that time, and you would have hardly had the patience to waddle through the constant edits.
I was never really fond of short stories or poems. Though, every year, I write an average of a thousand pages, I barely write any short stories or poems. Even so, the short stories and poetry I do have are little time capsules of what was.
I have put them in as close as a chronological order as I can.
Enjoy… |
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Last edited by Snoink on Thu Dec 29, 2005 12:31 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Acid_Fairy
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| Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 11:57 am Post subject: Re: X-mas present - critiques shall be begged for |
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this is a really great idea for a present! id love to get something like this!!!
i loved this part
| Snoink wrote: |
If you were just a storyteller, that would be one thing, but you were so much more than just that. You were never content with simple fiction, creating your own nonfiction stories. And you let us share them with you.
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it's a really touching thing to say about someone an i think your dad wil really love it! and also because it isn't really formal it makes it really personal! |
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Emma
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| Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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| This is really nice, I like how you talk about all your past times. I think he might be very touched. I wish my dad told me stories, he has an imagination of a light bulb. |
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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| The one that pops into mind right now is one you told us creepos on Bald Mountain. |
... told us about creepos on Bald Mountain? Or maybe I just didn't understand the sentence properly.
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| Even so, the short stories and poetry I do have are little time capsules of what was. |
Eugh, I don't like how this sentence ends, sounds very very awkward, especially for one of the final sentences of a great little piece. I'd change the order round in some way so you don't have to end with "was". Or replace those last three words with something else.
Anyway, it looks fine to me! |
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Brian
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 2:20 am Post subject: |
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Sappy and mushy. A parent would love this, lol.
Only had a problem with the first paragraph. Seemed rather mean and insulting, but I also don't know anything about you and your dad.
It's a good introduction and I'm sure it'll make a great christmas present. |
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Snoink
Studying the Physics of Bunny Ears!
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 4:39 am Post subject: |
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| Firestarter wrote: |
| Quote: |
| The one that pops into mind right now is one you told us creepos on Bald Mountain. |
... told us about creepos on Bald Mountain? Or maybe I just didn't understand the sentence properly. |
Hehe... the kids in our family are known as the creepos. Therefore, he told us creepos the story. A little confusing, I know. ^_^
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| Quote: |
| Even so, the short stories and poetry I do have are little time capsules of what was. |
Eugh, I don't like how this sentence ends, sounds very very awkward, especially for one of the final sentences of a great little piece. I'd change the order round in some way so you don't have to end with "was". Or replace those last three words with something else. |
Oh dear! I was hoping no one would notice that. *sighs*
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| Only had a problem with the first paragraph. Seemed rather mean and insulting, but I also don't know anything about you and your dad. |
We have this thing about dry humor in our family... we make fun of each other all the time, but it always remains fun. This particular paragraph is refering to the time when my sister tried to get my dad a present, giving him his favorite kind of candy -- chocolate cherries. But, just before he opened her present, he opened our aunt's present, which was the same thing. Instantly, she turned scarlet. After all that planning of hers, after all that money spent (several dollars is a lot for us) she was to be outdone.
Once that happened, dad quickly realized that she had gotten him the same present, and then opened up her cherries, giving them to all.
So yeah. ^_^
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| This is really nice, I like how you talk about all your past times. I think he might be very touched. I wish my dad told me stories, he has an imagination of a light bulb. |
You might be surprised how interesting parents are... O_o
And thank you acid fairy.  |
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Sam
It's just poetry, y'all.
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 5:50 am Post subject: |
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I love the first paragraph...chocolate cherries...oh yes, you must keep that in there. 
'Shortly after reading that story, you stopped reading our stories. Which, I suppose, was a good thing. After all, I started writing novels by that time, and you would have hardly had the patient to waddle through the constant edits.'
I think it's excess. If it means something to you, keep it in there, but if not, get rid of it.
Hehe...again, just absolutely adore the chocolate cherries part. |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 10:20 am Post subject: |
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Hehe... I'm going to nitpick small errors because I can... even if they already make sense... 
The one that pops into mind right now is one you told us creepos on Bald Mountain.
To clarify that, maybe you could put 'right now is the one.' I think your dad would understand it either way, because, well, he was there.
I was with Grandma Rose and Papa George, and I got an email! I read eagerly
'I read it eagerly' would make a bit more sense.
Once, I wrote a simple story, using the vocabulary I had just learned in a spelling list.
The transition from the paragraph before it to this paragraph was a little weird. One second you talked about the evenings and then it sort of jumped to this.
Shortly after reading that story, you stopped reading our stories.
Just a little confusion... Is the 'our' mentioned in there you and your brother? You and your brother and sister? You and your brother and sister and your dog?
I have put them in as close as a chronological order as I can.
The wording is kind of awkward. How about 'put them in as close to a chronological order'? Though that seems a bit awkward too...
Ugh, I can't find anything else.
This seems like a nice, touching thing, perfect for a parent's present. I enjoyed reading it, so it will probably be even better for someone who can relate to it. Overall, it was written very well. It makes me want to read your father's Christmas present... |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:27 am Post subject: |
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Oh! Thanks guys.
I will edit that part... soon. >< |
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Griffinkeeper
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 2:15 am Post subject: |
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Ah, so warm and fuzzy.
Not quite the touch of humor that Mom and Dad put in our Youth Ministry Letter though, you might want to work on that. |
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Areida
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 2:32 am Post subject: |
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| I like it. Nobody in my family really gets into writing like I do, so it's nice to see people that make it a family affair. Besides that, I know your dad will love it just for the fact that you put so much thought into it. That sappy poem I wrote for my dad for Father's Day nearly made him cry, LOL. So yeah, I think you're gonna be juuuuuust fine. |
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Shriek
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 3:23 am Post subject: |
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Awh, this was sweet. Very well done.
Just out of curiousity, what does your dad do for a living? |
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Snoink
Studying the Physics of Bunny Ears!
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 3:36 am Post subject: |
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Lol! I know he'll get a kick of it -- but it makes you nervous too, see? *blushes*
And my dad? He's one of the "unseen" politicians who works in telecommunications. |
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You love SPEW! |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 8:21 am Post subject: |
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Beautiful. Nice to know I'm not the only one who gives writing as presents (to parents, anyway) lol. My only nitpick (other than supporting what everyone else has said, except for the chocolate cherries bit, which was really funny) is that "patient" should be "patience"....I think. Heh. Other than that, this is a lovely piece. I think any parent would be thrilled to receive it  |
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Reyu
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| Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 10:40 am Post subject: |
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I liked it.
I do believe your father will like it too.
Interesting side note:
I gave a "book" of my work to my aunt once. Because she sent me a really nice, leather bound, book. Filled with lined paper
I filled the pages with short stories, then the very next christmas I mailed the book back to her. She thought it was awesome
End Rant
~Reyu
P.S. I need more points so I can beat Nates score at majong ^^ The arcade is awesome. |
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