This really needs some work, i wrote it while i was extreamly pissed off. (its all written about my personal feelings and experances) so i'd really love to get some feedback so i can do something good with it!

It’s been three weeks since I’ve lived; to live you have to feel a genuine smile creeping across your face, completely out of your control. You have to feel Happiness, feel as if life couldn’t get any better. You even have to hear your own laugh, bouncing off walls, intertwining with others. That’s living, what I’m doing is barely existing.

What I’m doing is loosing grip, sulking to close to the edge, enticed by the idea that I could be free, free of the constant pain I feel when I see my old friends, happy and smiling, as if nothing has happened, almost as if they never knew me. Free of the constant fear that somebody else will turn their back, leave me, battered and bloody in a corner.

My best friend, she screwed everything up for me, I would be fine. I know it, if only, if only I had kept my guard up. Not trusted her so fast, like I do all the time, right before I have my heart ripped out and feel the hot shooting ache of being stabbed in the back. Again.

I should have seen it coming; she was doing everything all the others had. Stopped telling me things, all the normal things best friends talk about. Who she was keen on, what she was planning on doing the next time she ventured into town, who she was talking to.

I didn’t listen when people tried to warn me, told me what she had been saying. All the malicious words whispered behind cupped hands, the nasty looks across the room. She couldn’t do this to me, could she?

Then the bomb hit, all hell broke loose. She told him something she shouldn’t have, she knew I liked him, she knew it would happen. She cried Love, “just to see what he said” that’s what she told me, when he found out it would break his heart, everybody knew he liked her.

So I told, yes, I went behind my best friends back but it was to protect another. To save him from the pain of going on thinking she loved him when it was all just a horrifying lie.

I made him promise, he did promise, told me he wouldn’t tell her. But what else would a heartbroken boy do? He broke his promise; it seemed like nothing against his broken heart.

She hated me. I knew it would happen, I wished it all back, tried my hardest to make everything better again. Undo the wrong doing, Life was nothing but a blur behind the tears. They all sided with her, everybody. She shouldn’t have told him she loved him, but somehow I had done worse by telling the truth.

So she hated me, I could live with that, that’s what I thought. I couldn’t stay away; I had to get my best friend back. I did, it was a short trip, and a week later she hated me, all over again.

So now I had lost her, there was no getting her back but that didn’t mean I had to stop being friends with him did it? She must have thought differently, she did think differently.

She spread things, started saying he was planning on ditching me, leaving me behind so he could see her. I believed it, I believed it all.

I cried, I cried more than I could remember crying since my Grandmother died over a year ago, I had already lost her. Why should I have to lose him to? Why couldn’t something go my way for once?

It didn’t happen how she said it would but it happened, we talked about how much he hated her. How two-faced she was, what a bitch she had been. He left, and then I saw it.

I saw him with her, I saw them laughing. This time I cried more than before, possibly more than I did when Grandma died, but that wasn’t before I vomited. It was over, everything was going wrong.

I wanted everything to stop; I wanted to feel the pain of a knife running across my wrist. I couldn’t she had taken it off me, I thought it was an act of friendship, it wasn’t. She did it just to make me suffer more.

I called him, I had to make things right. He asked if I was ok, suddenly I was lured in again, he sounded sincere, he sounded worried.

I told him I wasn’t, I told him of the tears; I told him I was down. That just made things worse.

I called him back, to find out why he was friends with her again. He said he didn’t understand what she had been saying; it was all just a big mistake. My phone cut out, He rang back. I hung up.

That was it. I’m screwed now.