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Hello, my name is (Prolouge)

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Hello, my name is (Prolouge)

Postby jasminebells on Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:55 pm

Hello my name is Jane Doe. I live in Somewheresville, USA near the corn fields and the big city. I go to school with you, have two parents like you and watch television, just like you. I may seem unfamiliar but you know me, you’ve known me all your life. I am just as regular as the blue sky or the green grass.  

 

But of course what would life be if everything stayed regular? 

 

Life will soon change for the better. Well, in my perspective anyway. Don’t worry, you and the rest of your normalcy will be fine. For a while.  

 

One day, you will be taken to a special fun place where the sun always shines and the clouds are always blank, bright white.  

 

 

Then….then you’ll be living in hell.

Last edited by jasminebells on Wed Feb 17, 2010 7:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Who is this "Life" and why is he throwing Lemons at people?

I write for the same reason I breathe..if I didn't I would die

Everytime my math teacher speaks, a little part of my soul dies in pain

Pants on the Ground! Pants on the Ground! Lookin' like a Fool with Your Pants on the Ground!
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Re: Hello, my name is (Prolouge)

Postby romance otaku on Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:01 am

Hello ^-^. I am Otaku and I'll be your reviewer for the day ^-^.

To get started, I'll read through and edit in my thoughts (what I commented on is in the spoiler).
Spoiler! :
jasminebells wrote:Hello(,) my name is Jane Doe. I live in Somewheresville, USA(,) near the corn fields and the big city. I am not good-looking (,) but I am not an ogre. I go to school with you, have two parents like you and watch television, just like you. I may seem unfamiliar but you know me, you’ve known me all your life. I am just as regular as the blue sky or the green grass.

But of course what would life be if everything stayed regular?

Life will soon change for the better. Well, in my perspective anyway. Don’t worry, you and the rest of your normalcy (look up "normalcy", it will be interesting for you if you are not aware of it already) will be fine. For a while.

One day, you will be taken to a special fun place where the sun always shines and the clouds are always blank, bright white.


Then…. (remove the period) then you’ll be living in hell.


At first I was thinking to myself that this was going to be a bland prologue, and then I knew I had thought wrong. I loved how you made a sense of a parallel between the reader and your character in the first paragraph. It was perfectly done, except that you needed a few commas here and there. The problem is with the bottom half. Your foreshadowing is just a but too dense to the point where it becomes repetitive and the reader goes "Okay, I get it, something bad is going to happen! Now get on with it!". I really can't help you correct it, but keep the line with the word "normalcy" in it. I like it.
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Re: Hello, my name is (Prolouge)

Postby BondGirl007 on Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:42 am

Alright Jasmine, you're so on.

Alright, so it seems like an okay prologue, the beginning I thought was pretty good, although I really disliked this line.
I am not good-looking but I am not an ogre.

I really didn't like it at all...I don't know why, but it just doesn't fit. Try something else.

One day, you will be taken to a special fun place where the sun always shines and the clouds are always blank, bright white.

This is supposed to be heaven right? That's what I got from it, I'm not even that sure of it. I think you need to do a little better job of clarifying what you're trying to describe to us, especially since this is so short.

Anyway this could turn into something interesting, I'd like to see a first chapter and see where you go with this...Keep writing.
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Re: Hello, my name is (Prolouge)

Postby jasminebells on Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:36 pm

hey bond,

its supposed to seem like heaven but its not. that's all I'll say for now
Who is this "Life" and why is he throwing Lemons at people?

I write for the same reason I breathe..if I didn't I would die

Everytime my math teacher speaks, a little part of my soul dies in pain

Pants on the Ground! Pants on the Ground! Lookin' like a Fool with Your Pants on the Ground!
jasminebells
Cus' I'm weird like that :)
User avatar
Reviews: 118
118
 
Age: 13
Gender: Female
Location: In the land of Ainmosni (silent n)
Posts: 645
Points: 10172 | Donate | Give Gift
Joined: Sun Sep 27, 2009 5:08 pm
Blog: View Blog (3)


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