The Young Writers Society

Donate · by **jasminebells** on Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:55 pm

Hello my name is Jane Doe. I live in Somewheresville, USA near the corn fields and the big city. I go to school with you, have two parents like you and watch television, just like you. I may seem unfamiliar but you know me, you’ve known me all your life. I am just as regular as the blue sky or the green grass.

But of course what would life be if everything stayed regular?

Life will soon change for the better. Well, in my perspective anyway. Don’t worry, you and the rest of your normalcy will be fine. For a while.

One day, you will be taken to a special fun place where the sun always shines and the clouds are always blank, bright white.

Then….then you’ll be living in hell.

Donate · by **romance otaku** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:01 am

Hello ^-^. I am Otaku and I'll be your reviewer for the day ^-^.

To get started, I'll read through and edit in my thoughts (what I commented on is in the spoiler).

Spoiler! :

At first I was thinking to myself that this was going to be a bland prologue, and then I knew I had thought wrong. I loved how you made a sense of a parallel between the reader and your character in the first paragraph. It was perfectly done, except that you needed a few commas here and there. The problem is with the bottom half. Your foreshadowing is just a but too dense to the point where it becomes repetitive and the reader goes "Okay, I get it, something bad is going to happen! Now get on with it!". I really can't help you correct it, but keep the line with the word "normalcy" in it. I like it.

Donate · by **BondGirl007** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:42 am

Alright Jasmine, you're so on.

Alright, so it seems like an okay prologue, the beginning I thought was pretty good, although I really disliked this line.

I am not good-looking but I am not an ogre.

I really didn't like it at all...I don't know why, but it just doesn't fit. Try something else.

One day, you will be taken to a special fun place where the sun always shines and the clouds are always blank, bright white.

This is supposed to be heaven right? That's what I got from it, I'm not even that sure of it. I think you need to do a little better job of clarifying what you're trying to describe to us, especially since this is so short.

Anyway this could turn into something interesting, I'd like to see a first chapter and see where you go with this...Keep writing.