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When the Sky Bleeds Prologue (paranormal romance/action)

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When the Sky Bleeds Prologue (paranormal romance/action)

Postby romance otaku on Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:45 pm

NOTE: This piece is paranormal romance, action, and tragedy! 

 

Hi everyone! It's been forever since I've been on YWS. Before I start looking for things to review, I would like to present to you the total rework of my book, now entitled "When the Sky Bleeds". I only plan on posting the prologue on here. Two more chapters are posted on my website http://romanceotaku.com/, and a new chapter is added each week. 

 

Now, before we get started, just a few notes: 

- If you like this, please share my website with your friends. Especially if you have Twitter. I am @RomanceOtaku, just so you know. 

- I will review for reviews. If you review this I will give you one review. If you leave me a comment on the "When the Sky Bleeds" page on my website I will review anything and everything you throw at me ^-^. 

- The other chapters are rated 16+ for future violence, gore, language, and semi-sexual acts. None of this is in the prologue. 

 

And now, I would like to personally welcome you to the world that appears when the sky bleeds... 

 

 

Prologue 

 

Phil Conners flashed a small white laminated card with his picture and a long randomized ID code on it to the old man that seemed to always be in the booth where he worked. The man silently glanced over, barely even checking the identification before pushing a large red button to temporarily buzz open the bottom half of a door that served as the only entrance to a long, old wooden dock. Phil heard a loud crack as the spring slammed the metal against metal, closing itself behind him. It made him jump the first few days into the job, but now, two weeks later, he only flinched as he made his way to the ferry that was always waiting on the right side, near the end of the walkway above the water. 

 

The ferry, unlike the dock, was exceptionally new looking. It was painted a pale blue that almost blended into the ocean. It was small, to the point where if twenty-five people decided to ride it looked as if it would sink, or at the very least everyone would have to stand. But only three others ever rode with Phil, and it was always the same three, every morning. Each one wore the same white shoes, cloth pants, shirt, and a long thin trench-coat on which they displayed several small pins, buttons, and patches of honor. Two of the men, who were maybe in their forties, were always inside the small captains room, steering the ship. The last man, who looked slightly younger than twenty-four year old Phil, always sat upon one of the benches that lined the side of the boat, across from Mr. Conners. He, though, never spoke a single word, instead sitting perfectly upright with no emotion on his face, as if being inspected by his superior officer. 

 

Phil sighed and slouched in his hard wooden bench. He worked so hard in college, but even after he graduated he had to wake up early anyway. He didn't really have a choice in the matter. His childhood dream of working his own hours, enjoying life with a wife and maybe some kids, helping those who needed him disappeared as he realized he needed to devote more time to his studies and less to socializing. Then the economic decline hit and less people started caring about their mental health, and more about their wallets. He couldn't find a job for the life of him. But he was lucky enough that one of his former college professors had a few friends in the military. They pulled some strings and got him a job at a high-security prison, and though he had to move to the other side of the island, he was thankful for the cozy apartment he lived in by himself and the food that he was able to put on the table. 

 

Phil glanced to his right. The island was getting closer. It wasn't that big, maybe a mile or two in diameter, but that was enough for the concrete “L”-shaped two floor building and the three barbed wire fences that surrounded it. It was not the ideal place to treat people, but it was where the most people who needed help were. The only problem was that Phil's expertise was treating the suicidal and depressed, not those who had anger issues or received their thrills killing the innocent. 

 

Phil rubbed his eyes. He wasn't able to sleep the night before. Dreams of his sister laying there on the floor in her room, sobbing and cutting herself with the pair of scissors she kept with her school supplies. He could see her blood ooze from her wrists down her arm and drip onto the carpet as his seven year old self watched helplessly through the slightly cracked door. In his arms he held a teddybear that he received when he was born, which was wet from his own tears. He gathered his courage and took a deep breath, opening the door. He slowly walked up to his sister, now laying with her head on the ground. 

 

“Sis... please hold Teddy... he always makes me feel better... he'll make you feel better too...” His chocked words were only answered by silence. But that was okay, he thought, she was only sleeping. He knew she needed her rest. He set his teddybear next to his sister and took her limp arm, putting it around the bear. He whispered goodnight and walked out the door, softly closing it behind him. 

 

It wasn't until the next morning that he learned that his sister had bled herself to death before his eyes. 

 

Phil shook his head in an attempt to ward off the unhappy thoughts. He told himself that he had to get his brain in gear for today. Today he was going to finally save someone. Save them from the same fate as his sister. Yes he was nervous, he hadn't seen his patient for five days, and he knew that today was the last day he would be allowed to try to convince the boy not to kill himself. Phil shivered at the thought. 

 

Phil sighed. This job turned out to be much more interesting than he originally thought it was going to be. Just six days before he had learned of humans that had powers beyond his wildest dreams. It just so happened that one of these super-humans were in need of his help.  

 

Phil recalled the chaos that ensued just five days ago. He was a week into the job, just learning the ropes, when sirens rung, so loud that he thought his ears were going to bleed. He barely remembered where the emergency shelter that he was assigned to was, with the instructions that he was to run to it whenever alarm rose for any reason. It just so happened that the shelter was on the exact opposite side of the complex than where he was at the time. 

 

As he made his way though the courtyard where the inmates got their exercise he came across a boy, no older than twenty, calmly walking towards him. This man wore only a faded black hooded long sleeve shirt and a worn pair of black jeans. His long light-brown hair stuck out from his attire like a sore thumb, swaying as he walked. On his face he wore a child's smile, as if he was in the schoolyard playing with his little friends, content with life. His eyes, his shining blue eyes, sparkled a greenish tint in the evening sun. They were wet with tears, and as he walked they fell to the ground, one by one. 

 

Suddenly a spotlight from above shines down on the unknown man. A turret mounted in one of the towers that rose above the prison began firing countless rounds with uncanny accuracy, hitting the boy over and over again, each bullet peariicing his cloths, then his skin, going all the way through his body and digging themselves into the dirt. Phil, who was not even three meters from the target, watched in awe as green and black goo appeared out of thin air and fill the holes in the man, only for skin to creep over the gel and totally heal the wound in a matter of seconds, leaving only a hole in his shirt as proof he was even shot. 

 

The unknown boy, unaffected by the rounds, only stood and stared at Phil. After several long seconds the man finally speaks. “Where can I find the man that runs this place?” His voice was unexpectedly kind. 

 

Phil only stood there, unable to run and hide from this... thing. So many questions flowed through his head, so much confusion that he could only utter the word “why”. 

 

The man's smile shrunk. “Because I need him to help me.” 

 

“Help you do what?” 

 

The man's gaze slipped pass Phil as he blankly stared at last bit of the orange-yellow sundown. “... kill... myself...” He whispered, as if to himself. The neverending stream of bullets cut through the words, making them inaudible to the only person that was around him. 

 

But Phil had nightmares where those two words were silently mouthed over and over again. Images of blood and tears would always follow. He could read the words on the man's lips. He knew his intentions. “Why do you want to die?” 

 

The man's smile returned once again, but this time it seemed sad. “I deserve to... I can't continue living in this world... I've done too much harm to too many people...” 

 

Phil steps forward as the tower torrent finally runs out of bullets. “You can't just kill yourself! Nobody deserves to die!” 

 

The man only shook his head. “Just take me to your employer.” 

 

Phil turned around. The chaos in his head was replaced by only one thought: I can't let this person kill himself. But he found himself stomping his feet in determination as he made his way to the gray bulletproof door that led to the administration office. Phil pulled the white identification card out of his back pocket once again, slipping it through a magnetic scanner. The door then unlocked with a magnetic click. Phil grabbed the silver handle and pulled, letting the strange visitor go in before him. 

 

The reception office, which was very unnecessary in such a place, was a simple square room with maroon carpet and off-white walls. In the center of the side across from the entrance were a pair of large stained hardwood doors. To the right of those doors was a matching L-shaped wooden desk that took up a whole corner of the room. It was though, without a receptionist. 

 

Phil barged forward and was taken off guard when one of the doors opened for him. A pudgy old man walked out in full army attire, badges and pins everywhere. Opening his arms, he smiles. “Takato, my old friend, what a surprise.” 

 

Takato's features became hardened. “Friend? First you try to destroy my world, then you call me your friend? Look, you bastard, I only came here for a favor. I think you owe me something this small, at the very least.” 

 

The old man lost his smile. “What do you want?” 

 

“I want you to kill me.” 

 

Phil only stood there, his anger rising every time Takato spoke. 

 

“That's it?” 

 

“That's it.” 

 

The old army veteran laughed deep in his throat. “Let me get it organized right away.” He turned around and walked into the dark room, attempting to close the door behind him. Phil caught the door with his foot before it could close and walked in behind the man. 

 

The old war veteran's office was very open, with only a mid-sized desk in the center and a few file cabinets against the walls. On top of the desk sat folders and papers organized in various piles, as well as a lone desk lamp, the only source of light in the room. 

 

Phil began to finally let out his anger as the man sat down at his desk. “You can't say that you are actually going through with this, sir.” 

 

The man shuffled some papers around. “I am indeed. I at least owe that poor child a painless death.” 

 

“Sir, dealing with suicidal patients is my expertise. I can't just stand by and let you do this.” 

 

“You don't have a choice in the matter. Now get out of my office.” 

 

Phil walked up to the old man's desk and slammed his clenched fists on its top. “Just let my try! I can't just stand around while you let this person kill himself!” 

 

“No.” 

 

“At least give me a week with him! The people in this place don't need me even close to as much as this man does! I'm begging you!” 

 

“Get out of my face!” 

 

Phil did as he was told. 

 

“Only a week?” 

 

“Yes Sir.” 

 

“And if he still wants to go through with this after the week?” 

 

“I won't object.” 

 

The man sighed. “Okay, you can go through with your plan.” Then the war veteran stood. “But if you ever,” He stabbed Phil in the chest with his finger, “ever give me this kind of disrespect again you are going to be living on the street.” 

 

Phil could barely contain his joy. “Thank you so much sir!” He bowed, then made his way to the door, opening it and bowing to his employer again before leaving. 

 

Takato watched from his spot against the wall as an odd man practically skipped out the door. He learned several minutes later that he was to stay at the prison for the next week until his death could be organized. 

 

Phil stepped off the ferry trying to muster his confidence. The day after “the events” was tough on Phil, and when Takato and him finally agreed that Takato would write his whole life's story out in an attempt to convince even Phil that he should be dead, it made him even more nervous. Takato didn't even want to be seen as he typed away at the keyboard on the laptop issued to him by Phil himself. That meant that Phil had no clue if Takato realized that he was only overreacting about how bad his life really is, or it made him sure that he didn't want to live anymore. 

 

Takato's work was due today. 

 

As Phil walked down the long hallway to the prison cell they let Takato live in for the last week, a burly security guard walked up to him, asking his name. When Phil answered the man took out a laptop that was almost hidden under his huge arm. “I was ordered to give this to you.” 

 

Phil took the black rectangle and walked away as fast as he could, not wanting to take his chances being too close to the man who looked like he could be a bouncer at a club in a bad neighborhood every weekend. He went the long way to the cell where Takato was to be staying at, only to find to his surprise that the dark cinder block room was empty, without a trace of anyone ever being there. 

 

Curious, Phil sat down on the hard bed that was covered by a thin faded blue blanket. Sighing, he flipped open the netbook, holding down the power button until the screen turned a deep maroon. Soon the desktop showed. Two lonely word processing documents sat at the top right of the screen, one named “READ ME FIRST” and the other called simply “why”. 

 

Phil double-touched the first file on the screen with his finger. The letter opened speedily, and Phil began to read. 

 

Dear Dr. Conners, 

 

I am happy this has made it to you. In the last several days you have asked me a myriad of questions, many of which I have asked myself. The other file on the desktop, named “why”, will give you all of your answers. This, Dr. Conners, is the story of my horrible past. Even you will understand after you have read this. Hate me as I hate myself. Hope that when the sky bleeds in hell I feel the pain of all those who I have caused harm under the same blood enshrouded sky. 

 

Sincerely, 

~Takato 

 

Phil closed out of the window, quickly tapping on the second file. Not wasting a second, he began to read. 

 

/End of prologue. Continued at http://romanceotaku.com/when-the-sky-bleeds-wtsb/

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Re: When the Sky Bleeds Prologue (paranormal romance/action)

Postby Karsten on Tue Feb 09, 2010 11:17 pm

Hi romance otaku,

I read your post on the Lounge board, and since you're serious about making it as a writer, I wanted to give you my honest opinion.

The first issue I picked up on as I read is the writing itself. It feels cluttered to me, weighed down by a truckload of adjectives and the impact sapped by nothing words like "seemed", "looking", "almost", etc. I feel like with a little practice, you could make your writing 100% more concise and vivid. Taking your first two sentences as an example:

Phil Conners flashed a small white laminated card with his picture and a long randomized ID code on it to the old man that seemed to always be in the booth where he worked. The man silently glanced over, barely even checking the identification before pushing a large red button to temporarily buzz open the bottom half of a door that served as the only entrance to a long, old wooden dock.


Look at the adjectives: small, white, long, silently, barely, large, red, temporarily, only, long (again), old, wooden. You tend to stack up one, two or even three adjectives on every noun, whereas a single strong noun might make your point without even needing any adjectives. You've also picked some pretty bland words - I think there are much more vivid alternatives to "small", "old", etc.

The sentences are also reading very long to me because of unnecessary and/or redundant words. For example, 99% of ID cards are white laminated cards with photos and an ID code. The old man both "glanced over" and "check[ed]" the identification - are both these clauses necessary? Do you need to specify that he glances "silently", when the reader might infer that from the lack of dialogue?

If I trimmed this, I'd end up with something more like:

Phil Conners flashed an ID card to the old man in the booth. The man barely even checked the identification before buzzing open the only door to an old wooden dock.

That's 31 words to your 72. So I'm cutting half the wordcount without even trying.

Looking past the writing, the second issue I'm finding is the subject matter. The story itself doesn't feel very exciting to me. It's all about bland, everyday stuff like travelling to work, descriptions of other people's clothing, backstory that isn't any different to thousands of other people, etc. The flashback is moderately interesting, but I do wonder if a reader will trudge through 1000 words of travel and clothing to get there.

Flashbacks themselves are inherently less dramatic than the present-day story, because the unpredictability is taken away. We know that the protagonist survives the flashback, for example. We know that if anything spectacular had happened to him he probably would have mentioned it by now. And the fact that the author chose to set this story in the present day, rather than start it during the flashback, tells us that the flashback is not as interesting as the present day. (Although the present-day story seems to be Phil travelling into work, getting a laptop and sitting down to read it, which doesn't seem all that fascinating to me.)

Ultimately, I feel like there's some interesting material here, but it's mainly buried in the flashback. My rule of thumb for writing is to keep the reader as close to the drama as possible. What's dramatic is the protagonist's encounter with the bulletproof guy. That, to me, is where the true story is. Why not start there? You could cut the ferry, the nameless other guys (and their clothes), Phil's unexciting backstory. Everything that is unnecessary or boring or dead weight, you could axe. You'd have a much tighter, more focused, more dramatic story.

Hope this helps in your quest to hit the big time!

Cheers,
Karsten
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Re: When the Sky Bleeds Prologue (paranormal romance/action)

Postby jasminebells on Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:07 am

hey there,

I am here for the requested review on the Will Review for Food forum.

Characters

Phil Connors- He seemed to be the average joe right out of college guy. He seemed modest and bored with his life. He's the character that you pity for his lack of a social life. He seems like a modest guy but he isn't really acting like the what 24, 25 year old he is. The town he lives in seems to be boring, bland and frustrating. I really feel for him.

War Veteran- Wow. What a jerk but I guess that was what you planned for him. He was kind of cliche though. Try to personalize him a little. I've seen characters like him before many times. I'm not sure if he's recurring but I definitely didn't like him which was good.

Takato- Freaky. I liked this character, he plays the 'I've given up on life, just shoot me now (pun intended)' part really well. I like the writing thing Phil had him do. You left us hanging with him at the end though, whether he ran off to die or just stuck around getting goo shot out of him. I like the super power aspect too.

Plot

This seems to be a good plot. It is not cliche for one, which already pulled me in because who wants to read a story where you can already predict the resolution from the end of the first chapter? It's very original so you get a purple elephant for that :elephant: I agree with Kartsen though, you did overdo it with the adjectives and adverbs. She explained that so I'm won't go into it. You ended on a cliff hanger which is good. :) I liked this alot and you have some serious talent. I heard that you wanted to sincerely make it as a writer so good luck there, remember to PM me when this is published! :)

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Re: When the Sky Bleeds Prologue (paranormal romance/action)

Postby romance otaku on Fri Feb 12, 2010 5:52 am

Thanks to both of you for your reviews! If you ever need anything reviewed, just let me know. I am a bit greedy, though, so I would like it if I could get just two more reviews. But, before that, just a few reactions:

At Karsten:

If people don't complain about my lack of detail, they complain about too much detail XD. Thanks though. I felt the same way and it is always nice to hear someone else's opinion, especially if it echoes your own. The examples that you gave are the best part of your review, and I will use them accordingly.

I think you are assuming that the prologue is directly associated with the rest of the book. It isn't. it's about Takato's back story. There are many reasons I did this. First is to explain Takato's "voice" through the rest of the piece. He is fairly crazy XD. People were saying how he sounded "out of it" because they didn't realize that his past tense writing actually meant this happed in passed tense XD. This also dips into various subjects that I plan to cover through out the piece. In my defense, I don't think seven pages of somewhat-boringness are that bad, all things considered.


At jasminebells:

It sounds like I did a very good job at developing my characters. That is exactly what I want you to think at this point. Thanks for the "purple" elephant ^-^. And I will do.
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Re: When the Sky Bleeds Prologue (paranormal romance/action)

Postby Demeter on Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:55 am

Hey Otaku, here as you requested. =)

I'm going to be completely honest with you and say that I found quite difficult to focus on the text. I believe this is because while your paragraphs aren't excessively lengthy, they still make the story feel a bit stuffed, possibly because of the lack of dialogue/any action at least in the first half. It's probably also the longest prologue I've read, and I think it's a prologue's job to be short and pithy and hook the reader to the story.

However, I'm glad to see that principally you know your grammar and don't have noticeable spelling errors, which are a pain to edit =P

I suggest you go through this text and at first, delete all the adjectives and other descriptive words, leaving only the words crucial to the story. Then go through it again and add some to the places that need it to make it more interesting. I think this would help you see how little it actually is that we need, and how much lighter and easier this will be to read without the unnecessary words.

This is my tip for now! Please PM me if you have anything to ask.


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Re: When the Sky Bleeds Prologue (paranormal romance/action)

Postby Elinor Brynn on Tue Feb 16, 2010 2:20 am

Wow, this is beautiful!

I read the whole thing; I'm hooked! Do you have chapter 1 up yet? If so, I'd like critique it. My only major problem lies with your tenses. You seemed to be going pretty steady with past tense in the first part, the second part of this seems to switch to present-tense, and the third goes back to first. Again, nothing too major, but it's a lot easier on the reader and makes you seem like a better writer if you don't switch ;)

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