Topic ID: 5840
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Kayleigh
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Age: 19
Joined: 06 Oct 2005
Posts: 11
Reviews: 6
Country: York, UK
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 Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:23 pm Post subject: Stay |
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Sit over here,
Let’s pick at the scabs,
From the time our wounds wouldn’t heal.
Look in my eyes,
Does my hurt still remain,
From the time we both realized,
We’re falling away from,
Falling so far from,
Sanity?
Lie here with me,
Take hold of my hand,
Like you did when I felt so lost.
Does the ache still remain,
From the time we both realized,
We’re falling away from,
Falling so far from,
Reality?
Can you feel the drop?
This is how we stumble,
Crawl,
Into the arms of a nightmare,
Hold on to me tight,
Don’t want my dream to end.
I’ll remind myself,
Never to wake up,
When you disappear. |
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Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
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Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 1907
Reviews: 303
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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When you disappear was a great way to end it, I thought. A suggestion, that the second repetition (We’re falling away from/Falling so far from/Reality?) could be slightly different from the first one, maybe "so far away from reality"? This is the first lyric I've critiqued  |
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http://purplezephyr.wordpress.com |
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Snip Snip
Writer
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Joined: 14 Oct 2005
Posts: 97
Reviews: 56
Country: The dark place :K
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:57 am Post subject: |
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These are really beautiful lyrics. The name could be chnaged, because it seems... kind of plain, compared to the rest of the lyrics.
"Let’s pick at the scabs,
From the time our wounds wouldn’t heal. "
I like this line, but wayyyy to many people tend to use the "scab" thing, so I suggust you chnage it, if you don't want to sound cliche at all. I really like it though, excellent job! Sounds like lyrics I would expect from Otep. They have really poetic lyrics. |
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so give me all your poison,
and give me all your pills,
if this is what you want then
FIRE AT WILL |
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Tara
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Age: 19
Joined: 07 Jan 2005
Posts: 939
Reviews: 145
Country: United States
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| Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 9:32 pm Post subject: Re: Stay |
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It's always hard to critique song lyrics, because you don't know how the song goes, and alot of times things have to be written the way they are to fit a melody.
These were wonderful lyrics. The only thing I'd change was "Hold on to me tight," to "Hold me tight". It sounds a bit funny with the 'on to' if you say it out loud.
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Late last night and the night before, Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers knocking at the door. I wanna go out, don't know if I can, 'cuz I'm so afraid of the Tommyknocker man. |
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