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Winter of 2040
Winter of 2040

by playerj09 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on November 16, 2005
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I'm back, Two poems I wrote while ill.
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Whatsarahsaid   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:44 pm    Post subject: I'm back, Two poems I wrote while ill. Reply with quote

I've not wrote for a few months, I had block. Situation: I was bored out of my mind yesterday with the Gastric flu so I decided to write some poetry. Nothing personal, just some brainstorming resulted in what you see below. Not my best work, but I'd be happy with suggestions. Punctuation is crap I know.





NO TITLE.



White chrome, drowning in red

My blood, only mine.

I fell

I hit my head

All my fault 

I pray he won't do this again

I hope my scars heal

A copper key scratches in the lock

What a homecoming..?









DOLL



My child

Opaque skin, faultless, a doll.

All mothers say this.

Your sleeping so soundly

Since that October afternoon, I've had insomnia, I've wandered streets, back to that place.

I scour for memories, details I've forgotten

But I've forgotten nothing.

Caressing your hair, dark as pitch.

Lifting a lock I expose the mark.

When my life ended.

The only mark on you

They said you were thrown clear 

Kissing you softly I say good night 

I leave you in your coffin

Sleeping forever more.

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Alice♥
"stay up all night with the stars."
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Matt Bellamy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked them both. I wasn't sure about the ...? at the end of the first poem, though, it confused me a little. Also, the long line in the second poem looks out of place, those things niggle at me, but when I read it, it sounds right, like it should be one long line. Anyway, nice work.

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Whatsarahsaid   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Matt.

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Alice♥
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This thread was created on November 16, 2005

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