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Luna 2.2



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Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:19 pm
pinkangel54123 says...



“I’ll visit. Even if Aiden won’t, I will,” I said, twirling my heart shaped necklace between my fingers. It was the only thing that I had from my mom, and I cherished it. The necklace didn’t come off no matter what. Not even while I slept. “And who knows. I might even find my mom.” A shadow of conflicting emotion covered his face. Whenever I brought up trying to find Mom, he would immediately change the subject. Crestfallen, I would always go along.
“You won’t come back, but that doesn’t matter because I want you to be happy. Get ready, alright?” he said, the emotion disappearing from his face.
“Ready? Ready for what?” If he was letting me go, I wasn’t leaving for another two days.
“A change of plans. You’re always complaining that we never spend any time together. Just be packed for Monday.”
“You’re letting me go? Awesome!” I hopped into his lap and gave him a hug, a huge smile plastered on my face the whole time. “Any hint at where we’re goin’?” My eyes narrowed in suspicion. At least they tried. I was too happy to let his odd behavior smother my joy. Honestly, I was shocked. This wasn’t like him. He always said that if you had a plan and stuck to it then nothing could go wrong. There was never a ‘change of plans’ with him.
“My lips are sealed.” He used an imaginary key to lock his lips, and then tossed the ‘key’ behind him. Really? “Just get dressed, and when you’re ready come and get me.”
Jumping off his lap, I rolled my eyes and turned my back to him so I could pick out some clothes. He was gone once I was ready to get in the shower. I skipped down the hallway towards the bathroom. I was finally leaving Luna. Maybe one day I would be able to visit Sela, too.
Luna was considered the best out of the three small islands on the coast of The States. Lunians looked down on the inhabitants of the other two islands, which were Mara and Sela. In theory, the idea that anyone would leave Luna to go to Mara, the most off-putting island, was insane. I shrugged as the scorching water pulsed on my back and cascaded down my mocha skin. Whatever Dad thought was best probably was. Besides, I hadn’t heard any complaints from Aiden, and he’d been going to school on Mara for an entire year. Then again, I hadn’t heard anything from him at all…
When I got out, I threw on some clothes and ran down the stairs to the kitchen. I’d heard pots clanging before I got in the shower. Once I opened the kitchen door, a burst of delicious smelling air wafted into my face. My mouth started to water when I saw the plate of bacon sitting on the counter.
“Mmmm, bacon,” I moaned. The perfect thing to make a hectic morning better, I thought as I grabbed a paper plate from the cabinet. I reached for a piece of bacon, but my hand was slapped away. “What gives, Dad?” Where’s the dad I’m used to? He smiled while grabbing the last piece and shoving it in his mouth. “When did you become a teenager again?” I asked.
He wiped the grease off his fingers and mouth. “You ready?” he asked, ignoring my questions on his immaturity.
“Almost,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I’ve just gotta find my white sweatshirt.”
“Well, come on then. Chop chop.” Apparently, there was no more food left for me, but I was fine with not eating breakfast. It wasn’t like breakfast was something that we usually had since Dad was always at the hospital. Sprinting into the living room, I skirted around the couch. My foot caught on the edge of the rug in my haste, and I fell onto the frayed pillows and sunken couch cushions. Groaning, I flipped over the cushions, but found nothing.
I spun around, ignoring the pain in my knees, and ran back up the stairs to my bedroom. I opened my closet door and stepped into the chaos. Looking around, I only saw empty racks and shelves. My knees protested when I got down into a crawl. The newly waxed, wooden floors helped my hands slide easily through the piles and piles of empty hangers.
It was my favorite sweatshirt, and there was no way I was leaving it behind. I was just about to go look in my dresser drawers when I found a tiny, mahogany box. Where did this come from? I asked myself, my brow furrowing in confusion. I’d never seen it in my closet before, but I hadn’t been looking for anything either. Had Dad hid it there for me to find? I’d have to ask him before we left.
The box’s smooth sides were intricately designed with inlayed pearls. There were small swirls on the top that were painted with powdery blues and pinks. The box tickled at a hidden memory, so I opened it immediately. Usually I wouldn’t have bothered, but there was something different about this box. As absurd as it was, it seemed to be calling to me. My fingers trembled as I unfolded the yellowed letter that had fallen from the box along with two rings.

Dearest children,
You have been chosen.
When you receive this letter, you may still be human. You must realize that your future has been decided, and there is nothing you can do to change it. Not even death will keep you from it. It is part of your responsibility to find friends that will help you with this task.
Along with this letter are two rings. One is for each of you. They mark you as peacemakers for our kind and our world. If anyone tries to remove the ring, both the ring bearer and the thief will be punished.
This may not make sense to you now, but in time, you will begin to understand. We will always be watching. Stay safe, my beloveds.
The Hunters
Last edited by pinkangel54123 on Sun Aug 08, 2010 3:21 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Sun Jan 31, 2010 10:24 pm
JabberHut says...



Hi!

So you're right! Without reading the previous parts, it was partially confusing! However, I still understood enough to know what's basically happening. And this is a very good thing. :D

I love your style. Your description is fantastic, and the flow's wonderful. This makes my soul happy, but it makes my brain squirm, trying to find something to help you out with. xD

A nitpick would be the letter. It's first addressed to more than one person, but halfway through, the letter identifies the reader/MC herself. If you read it, you'll know what I mean. But it's an easy fix!

Also, she ran downstairs to the kitchen, and then she ran back upstairs for her sweater. I know she was looking for it, but surely she'd at least look around downstairs before looking back upstairs. That was kinda weird.

In this part anyway, the dad seems monotone and lifeless. Until he stole that one piece of bacon. I trust that you gave him more character in previous parts though!

I don't have much more to say. I feel kind of helpless! Perhaps I'll get to reading the previous parts and give a better review. XD

Keep writing!

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Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:28 pm
Sins says...



Hey again!

I completely agree with Jabber... Like your first two chapters, I really can't find anything to critique! It's slightly annoying... :lol: I feel like I'm not helping at all!

Once again, your descriptions are immense! Your chapters just keep getting better and better. I think I'm just going to give up on trying to critique this... I can't find anything!

Overall, like usual, this was seriously great!

Keep writing! Please!

xoxo Skins
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Sat Apr 24, 2010 7:57 am
MiaParamore says...



You were right Luna that I won't be ever be able to understand what happens next. I am liking it! Earlier, it was a reviewing job for me but now I am very much excited to read it. I agree with Skins that its slightly annoying because one can't find much mistakes. Good job.
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Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Sat May 22, 2010 2:44 pm
Tenyo says...



Review two point two!

I love the twist! The story just got ten times more exciting.

The build up however has a few things that don't really fit together.

Does she always wear that necklace to bed? It would be good to mention why, or if not, what made her forget to take it off last night?
Is she not going to eat breakfast before leaving then?
If she's in such a hurry, why bother to open the box? It seems more likely that she'd just knock it out the way, unless something interupts her.

Also, sitting on her fathers lap and kissing all over his face... I see how it's a way of showing how close their relationship is, but it seems kind of creepy to me.

And lastly, forgive me if I've assumed Asha's gender wrong. One of the things you have to be aware of when telling things from a first person point of view is that you have to drop hints about things like age and gender which can't really be explain through a description of appearance. It wasn't until this chapter that I realised she's probably female, when I found out she was wearing a heart shaped necklace.

And... On to chapter three :D
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Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:08 am
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Hey again, angel! Sorry for the delay on this one. ^^;

Huh, well that was an interesting turn of events. I’m definitely curious to find out who these Hunter people are, they certainly sound important. The plot is coming for us, I can tell. I’m also quite interested to know what’s up with Josiah’s apparent sudden change in personality, and what his change in plans is all about. Most of all, I’m curious about that box hidden in the back of the closet, though… Presuming Josiah knows it’s there, it seems like he knows a lot more about Asha and Aiden’s past than he lets on… color me suspicious. XD

Anyway, I really liked the interaction between Josiah and Asha in this half of the chapter as well. They were sort of cute and funny, and I could feel how much they cared about each other and how much they wanted to savor their last couple of days together. At the same time, I can definitely feel Asha’s urge to get out of her hometown and move on, to search for Aiden and her mother, and I think that adds a lot to her character as well. In some ways, it shows that she’s brave and she’s standing against the crowd of her island who thinks the other islands are inferior, but at the same time it shows a little naiveté in her too, that sort of young “I just want to get out of my hometown” thing. I don’t think I’m articulating that well. XD

There’s only one thing I’m wondering about: Has the box been in Asha’s closet the whole time she’s lived here? If so, it seems a little hard to believe that she would never notice it all this time. I mean, I know it’s small and the closet is messy, but it still seems a little convenient that she would never notice it until this point *shrug*

Since this was such a short chapter segment, and not a lot happened in this half, I don’t have much else except for some small nitpicks:

you have been chosen.

I know this is sort of a continuation of the line about, but I still feel like “You” ought to be capitalized.

Stay safe my beloveds.

Needs a comma after “safe.”

Well, this was kind of a short and simple second half to the chapter, but it serves its purpose, and I’m definitely interested in just what’s going on here. I’d be making my way to chapter three even if you hadn’t asked—I’m really curious at this point. Hope this review was a little helpful, and I’ll see you there! :D
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Sat Jun 19, 2010 4:24 pm
Jas says...



Hey,

Wowzers. I swear, once you finish this, you'll have agents begging for them to publish it for you! This flows great and once again, I didn't find any mistakes. I really want to meet Aiden now and the catch at the end with the "Hunters" was good. :D Wonderful job!

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apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

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Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:24 pm
*coco says...



Hiya, Diane! Coco here again, for part 2!

Just a few pointers since you've already been given reviews. Bare in mind these are just my opinions on improvements, you can totally ignore them if you want :)

:arrow: The bit where she twirls her necklace that belonged to her mum. I think you should've mentioned that before - perhaps when she remembers her mum and the day she left.

:arrow:
I hopped into his lap and started kissing him all over his baby face.

I found this sentence a little odd - I mean that's her dad, right?

:arrow: Lastly, I thought the letter bit was slightly out of the blue - then again, maybe that's just me. I just thought it could have been introduced a bit better. Did Asha know about the letter before? If so you could have had her look at the letter in a confused way when it dropped, then go on to talk about how this was the first time she had seen it. Something like that, just to make it a little more believable.

Anyway, that's all I found - the rest was...well...perfect really :D

Onto chapter three!

*coco
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Thu Aug 12, 2010 1:55 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey, Pink here!

Alright, what to say? Your grammar, punctuation, descriptions and imagery were all great! There technically is...almost nothing to say. I can't rant on your character because she's pretty much set in stone and the dialog is real and precise.
I like how Josiah and Asha are so close and I'm getting really excited to see who Aiden is and what this whole letter thing is about.
Also, I found this chapter a lot easier to read and the flow was exceptional.
One tiny little nitpick, which you could probably just ignore but I'm going to say it anyway.
a burst of delicious smelling air wafted into my face.

I don't like the way you used burst and then wafted. It sounded like the aroma was going to hit her at first. I mean, that's just me.
Wonderful! Keep up the good work!

~Pink
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