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Dark Tide (Chapter 2.1)



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Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:36 pm
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cosby says...



This is Chapter Two, hope you enjoy.

EDIT: Just to let you know, I am still working (slowly) on my Character Development.

EDIT 2: I am reposting the chapters in smaller parts to make it easier to review.


Chapter 2

“Saturday, 10th October, 2009
This has been one of the strangest days in my life. When I went out to the meet 'the Friends' I was kidnapped, and taken to some offices somewhere. I think there must be something wrong in these peoples heads... but it's strange, because they seemed perfectly normal.
They told me about this... thing which they call the Darkness. You're not allowed to say it's name, or – this is what they said – you will die.
They must be mad, because they say that It created the world. They said it tortures people until they die, then bring them back to life. They said that magic exists. That's just crazy – isn't it?
On the other hand, Leom knew my mother. He didn't mention my father, but he said that Yasmin was one of them. Do that have something to do with why she committed suicide?”


James threw down his pen down with a sigh. Why was everything so complicated? It had been his own idea to start a diary. He knew people said it helped them deal with problems, to get it down on paper. So far though, it hadn't helped James at all. It just made him think of more questions that couldn't be answered.

“It's so complicated! What am I supposed to believe? You can hardly call that whole thing about my father natural. There's also that episode between me and Andrew. I wonder if he remembers what happened? It must be so weird having brain damage. I wonder if you realize that something's wrong with your brain? Ugh, that's a horrible thought.
I suppose if this diary is going to work, I need to see what I believe in. I've been brought up as a Christian, so naturally I believe that the most. Hannah and Mark never take me to church that often though. We only go to all the major religious events like Christmas and Easter.
Alice said that It is God and Satan at the same time. That's not possible is it?
All of the Friends seemed to really believe what they said... it was like it was their life. It's completely unbelievable though.
They do say though, that in every legend there is a seed of truth. Is the Beast a legend? I suppose it is for some people.”


James twiddled with pen, staring up at the ceiling for a moment. This was mad. Why was he even considering that this story was true? It was obviously complete rubbish.
Not it's not, a voice said in his head.
Of course it's rubbish. There's no logical way it can be true! said another.
Maybe you should forget logical.
James shook his head. He needed to clear his mind. He picked up a book on his bedside table. It was Crocodile Tears by Anthony Horowitz. It had come out on the day of the Accident. Maybe that was why he had bought it – he certainly hadn't read any of the other books in series.
He was half-way through it already, so he quickly found where he had got up to and started reading.

He was soon wrapped up in the adventures of MI6's teenage spy, and resolved to buy the rest of the books in series. He put the book down with another sigh, wondering what it would be like to actually be a spy. That was what gave him the idea.
He got up and walked over to his computer. It was already on, and the screensaver was playing. He paused for a moment, watching random pipes move their way across the screen. Then he moved the mouse and logged into MSN. He had just remembered what someone had said at school.
He double clicked on the name Gareth Roxon after seeing that he was online.
Hey Gareth, he typed in. After a few seconds Gareth replied.
Hey James.
Do you know where Patrick Weed lives? he typed.
Why? was the quick reply.
Just wondering...
He lives on the other side of town. 21, Ivy Street.
Thanx.
James smiled to himself.
Why on earth do you want to know that? Gareth asked.
I was just wondering. He was on the news and everything, and you said he was local. GTG now. Bye! James hurriedly typed the last few words, then signed off. He didn't want any more awkward questions. There was also the fact that he was rubbish at lying.
He grabbed his school backpack which was lying on the floor where he had dumped it the night before. He picked up the torch of his bedside table and turned it on and off to check the batteries. He put it in the pack. He checked to make sure he still had some mints in it, before slinging it over his shoulder. Then, he walked to the door, took one more look around before turning the light off.
Running down the stairs, he yelled that he was going out for an hour or two.
There was no reply.
He closed the front door behind him, and walked to the bus stop. He checked the time table and sat down to wait for a bus.
Half an hour later, he was feeling less sure of himself. He was looking down Ivy Street. Number 21 looked exactly like the other houses. Yellow bricks, square house. Small front lawn with withered plants. The only difference was the yellow tape which want all the way round the boundaries of the house and the police car sat waiting opposite.
The front door was red. James frowned. Surely he shouldn't be able to see that from here? He also hadn't thought that the police would still be here. He stood watching for a moment. There was a million ways this could go wrong, but he couldn't turn back now. He started walking forwards just as he took the first step forward, he felt a tap on his shoulder.
“James!” someone hissed. He turned round sharply, and found himself looking up at Gareth Roxon. “What are you doing here?” James asked, bewildered.
“After you MSNed me, I had this feeling that you were going to do something stupid.” he replied with a smile. He had black hair that always flopped all over the place.
“Well, you could say that,” James said looking over his shoulder at number 21. Gareth followed his gaze. “You're not...” his jaw dropped open.
“Not what?” James asked defensively. “I just came for a look.”
Gareth looked apprehensively at James. “Just for... a look?” he asked. James nodded. “Yes. Just a look around.” he told him, then started walking back down the street.
Gareth ran after him. “But you can't!” he cried, grabbing Jame's shoulder. “There's police there. You'll get arrested!”
“Oh well,” James still seemed calm and just shrugged Gareth off. He was actually feeling far from it, and all he wanted to do was turn and run. No you don't, he thought to himself. You want to finish this once and for all. So do it! He heard a sigh behind him and more running footsteps. He tensed, waiting for Gareth to try and stop him again. He didn't. “If you're going in,” said the boy behind him. “Then I'm coming with you.” he seemed to be trying to convince himself it was the right thing to do. James wasn't listening anyway, so it didn't matter.
As he approached the house, everything seemed all wrong. Nobody was moving in the police car. The yellow tape was torn at the gate, a small round object was lying on the ground. Some instinct told James that it wasn't meant to be there.
Every nerve in his body was telling him run away, get away from this place. He carried on walking. As he neared the police car, he could see that nobody was in it. Presumably they were in the house. Then he stopped. The front door of number 21 was wide open. That was how he had seen it was red from the other end of the street.
He sniffed. Something smelt. Bad.
James was sweating now, and his fists were clenched. To make it worse, it started raining. Pitter-patter, pitter-patter. He was sick of the sound. His mind was taken away from the rain though, when he saw what it was doing to the front door.
It must have been painted just that day because as the rain hit the paint, the paint started running down the door. Already he could see that the door had originally been green.
One question entered his mind; Why had it been painted? Patrick Weed had been dead for almost a month. James had a feeling he wasn't going to like what he saw inside the house.
Out of the corner of his eye he could see Gareth nervously looking from side to side. His face was white, and he looked as if he was about to be sick.
James made up his mind then.
He walked to the house as if he had every right to be there. He walked through the puddle of paint, and walked into the hall of the house.
Last edited by cosby on Sun Jan 24, 2010 8:28 am, edited 4 times in total.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.
  





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Sat Jan 09, 2010 12:53 pm
Wolferion says...



Hiya! Seeing that you haven't had this reviewed yet and I've got some time, I've tried reviewing it, so here goes.

I've tried correcting a few places that repeat later in the story by using bold text.
Just click on the spoiler and take a look.


Spoiler! :
James woke up surprisingly comfortable. He could smell disinfectant, and his first thought was that he was in hospital again. He groaned.
“You're awake now James, I see.” (I believe it would be better to write it : "I see that you're awake now James.") someone said warmly. James opened his eyes and looked around. He wasn't in a hospital. He was lying on a sofa in an office. It was spotlessly clean (There's no need for a , before and usually ) and was the type of room that dust would be ashamed to be seen in. A man was standing on the opposite side of room, looking at him expectantly.
“Who are you?” James asked, trying to work it out. “My name is Leom Allbright, but that is not what you're asking, I know.” he had a foreign accent and was dressed in a plain black business suit. “I am one of the Friends. In fact,” he said smiling, “I am your friend.”
James swung his legs of the side of the sofa and sat up (I think it'd be better to write : James moved his legs off the sofa and sat up). They were(Legs) surprisingly hard to move, which he guessed must be due to what those men had done to him in the van. “Ha ha ha. Very funny,” he said in a sarcastic voice, surprisingly bold. “But I thought we were meeting outside a pub? Not being abducted on the way past the (When you mentioned that place once before with a, you can use the) pub, being bashed about and being brought to some office in goodness knows where.”



I remember I've seen somewhere somebody using italics as a way of writing a thought, but I honestly think that writing "That's it, he must be looney," thought James "I mean, magic?" , is better. I have to admit that I'm not sure if a few of the parts in dialogue were "your writing-style", but I'd suggest to read all the dialogues over and maybe correct it a bit, there were dialogue mistakes along the way. Maybe a few parts in the text itself as well, where it's a bit jumpy to understand who said what and cut dialogue sentences in right places by , and . to make it better in matter of grammar and understanding. Otherwise, the story has a pretty interesting idea and it's nice to read, keep writing! I believe though that with time when your mind becomes more mature, you could change some parts. I felt like reading a bit childish story ^^ Which isn't bad of course, it's just I do not know if it was on purpose or not. Keep writing! Good luck =)

P.S. If you come to disagreement with some points I wrote, feel free to and keep your own opinion. I'm honestly new at reviewing, so I might not be that helpful, but at the very least I can tell an opinion of the "reader".

Kyousuke
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
-Formerly Shinda
  





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Tue Jan 12, 2010 7:11 am
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cosby says...



Thanx for the review!
Well, I prefer to keep thoughts in italics because sometimes I get mixed up with speech and thought, though thanks for the opinion!
Also, I can understand if you think that some parts aren't my 'writing style'. I have this thing that every book has a different feeling, or atmosphere. Usually it's the music I listen to which creates the 'atmosphere' for my book, so if I change that, then the writing style sometimes changes.
It is meant to be a childrens fiction book (haven't a clue if the others in this forum are) so that might be why it seems a bit 'childish'.

Once again, thanx for the review!
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.
  





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Wed Jan 13, 2010 9:23 pm
Writersdomain says...



Hey there cosby! Tis WD, as requested! I'm glad you called me over here to take a look at this. So, I have not read your prologue and chapter 1, but I thought this was pretty good! You have an excellent grasp of pacing and structure, something that really impresses me. You mentioned working on character development, and that is coming along. So, first, I would like to address just a few grammar things. I'm not going to proofread this for you, because it's best for you to do that yourself, but here are a few grammar things that needed consistent correction:

Your vs. You're

Your is possessive as in your shoe, your shirt, your dress

You're is the contraction of you are. As in you're awesome, you're smart, you're going to the grocery store.

You use the possessive your instead of the contraction you're a lot in this. Just a few examples:

“There's this thing called- well. Your not allowed to say its name, or you will die. That is why Patrick Weed is dead. Anyway, I call it the Beast. It basically created the world. It kills people.


'Your not allowed to say its name' should be 'you're not allowed to say its name'

No you don't, he thought to himself. You want to finish this once and for all. So do it! He heard a sigh behind him and more running footsteps. He tensed, waiting for Gareth to try and stop him again. He didn't. “If your going in,” said the boy behind him. “Then I'm coming with you.” he seemed to be trying to convince himself it was the right thing to do. James wasn't listening anyway, so it didn't matter.


'If your going in' should be 'if you're going in'

Make sense? Tis a simple grammar thing, but it really is important to your writing. So proofread!

Dialogue paragraphing

You did a good job of this usually, but don't slack off! An example of where this needed help:

“Let me guess, you've never heard about It have you?” James shook his head. “No, I haven't. What is It exactly? An elephant? A mental asylum?” Leom turned sharply and glared at James for a moment. Then he sighed again. “Please James,” he said. “You do not want to make me angry. When I loose my temper, bad things happen.”


Two people talking in the same paragraph? No. It should look something like this:

“Let me guess, you've never heard about It have you?”

James shook his head. “No, I haven't. What is It exactly? An elephant? A mental asylum?”

Leom turned sharply and glared at James for a moment. Then he sighed again. “Please James,” he said. “You do not want to make me angry. When I loose my temper, bad things happen.”


Just keep an eye on that. :wink:

There were also various small errors scattered throughout, but, again, I'm going to leave it to you to proofread. Reading this aloud will help with that a lot. :wink:

Onto other things...

First, something that I really liked:

“If It hasn't been seen since – and I can't believe I'm actually saying this – then what's it got to do with me? If It is even real?” James asked. It was the person on the right of Leom that answered.
“Because,” he said. “It has risen again. And we believe It has taken your father as its host."

“So let me get this right,” James said to Leom later as he was driven back to his home. “It is some mystical, magical being that created the world. I have magic which I used on the 23rd. Only some people have magic that you know of and I'm one of them. Some guy somewhere said It's name, and It has risen again. And you think it has taken the body of my father.” he paused for a moment. “You expect me to believe that?”


Great transition--I really liked it! Nice job with that

Regarding character development, it's coming along. You have the basics down and you aren't telling us too much. I think as you continue to write, you might want to play with more body language. How your character moves and how your character feels--specifically. Those things will draw the reader more completely into your character. But you have a good start. One thing to watch for:

That's it, this man is a loony, James thought. I mean, magic? Leom was looking at him again, and let out a big sigh. He had seen it all before.


When I was going through this piece, I highlighted this part in red, because I was afraid it would be come a recurring problem. Thankfully, it didn't! But I still think this part can be made more powerful. Internal monologue or the thoughts a character has can be great, but I think some powerful facial expression would speak loads more than this piece of internal monologue. :wink:

So, you have a good start! Clean up that grammar and start delving into some of the down-and-dirty character development tricks. Right now your characters aren't flat, but they aren't sucking me in hard either. More body language and development and you are well on your way. Keep writing and keep working on those things! Your writing is coming along nicely, cosby. ^^

Good job and keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  





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Wed Jan 13, 2010 9:34 pm
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cosby says...



Thank you!
I'll have a go at working on the few things that you pointed out, and I'll definitely proof read it!
Thank you for explaining the difference between Your and You're - It had just hit me while I was writing, a couple of minutes before I saw that you had replied, that I didn't know whether I should be using Your or You're.
Once again, thank you (have I said thank you yet?) and I'll definitely have a good - long - look over my work to correct those faults you pointed out.
I'll also have a good long chat with James and Gareth to make sure that they're telling me everything - and not leaving the little important bits out.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.
  





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Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:12 pm
Day says...



Hi,

I think I am going to make this quite short.

The thing I liked most was the length. Boy did you put a lot of work into this! I was very impressed with the length because most authors hardly post more than 800 words per chapter (and yes I am at fault as well). I've said this multiple times, but I really like third person. I felt you executed the third person point of view quite well, but I did have a few problems with it. Sentences like this were just awkward and seem better for first person:

James made up his mind then.


Hope I helped out a bit,

DayDreams
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"
  





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Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:03 pm
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cosby says...



Thank you! I'll pay attention to that!
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.
  








You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott