Young Writers Society

Where Shadow Steps

Prologue
Alica.
In this act I curse you to life without parents, but I gift you with a chance to avoid our people’s fate. You may never understand why, and for this I am sorry, but I hope you never do.

May your life be filled with many shadows yet empty of darkness.
May your path be moonlit where ours is opaque.
May chance favour you.
Escape.

Chapter 1

The throbbing in my skull grew in tempo as I leapt from one roof to the next. I prayed silently that I’d make it as I didn’t have breath to spare on such luxuries. Not like anything benign was listening down here anyway. Cardeth’s slimy, malevolent streets slunk passed as I ran, their façade transparent to my experienced eyes. Living on these streets has long since removed the carefully placed veil of a ‘holy city’. Cardeth is a monument to no god; a deity, yes, but no god.


Baggy, coal black trousers restricted my well honed ability to avoid the daily crisis, surviving the night scarred and scathed yet innocent. Un-christened in the horrors I barely escaped too often. My calloused feet flashed with dull pain each time they slapped against the tiled rooftops. Too close behind me male laughter reached forward, nearly drowned out by the screaming roar of life in hell. Despite the early hours, Cardeth didn’t sleep. Cardeth never slept.
I could see Maeth now, the poorest part of the city. My haven. The tiles there are too thin to hold any of the big guys, and the smaller ones stopped coming for us after Barry’s body turned up eyeless. I didn’t do it, but they didn’t know that. If I played my cards right, rigged the deck and practised my cold blooded killer face, they never would.
“We’re gonna get you this time baby. You’ll enjoy it. Promise.” I could hear the smirk in his tone.
He was right; I wasn’t going to make it. Four years of running and I wasn’t going to make it. I leapt from rooftop to rooftop as several sets of lungs laboured behind me, drawing ever closer. My back and shoulders itched and tingled. No man whom I didn’t trust completely had been within two metres of me for four years since the orphanage had burned down; it was like an allergic reaction. Fear swelled between my breasts, betraying my rational mind. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins as panic set in and I split from the normal route to Maeth instead heading towards Sumian, the historical district. I never entered the crucible of Sumian, sticking to the more open quarters where few houses were above single storey making for easy travelling and lots of open ground to see a threat well before its shadowy fingers could scar and stain your soul.
If you were paying attention anyway.


Cardeth’s historical district stretched up into the immeasurable night, the buildings little more than old ghosts against the perfect darkness. I reached the cusp of Sumian faster than expected. Tiles turned to stone, chimneys to chipped feet where all manner of ornamental fixtures stood in ages past. I continued beyond the outskirts into the deserted heart of Cardeth’s history. Dust mingled with sweat, plastering my short blonde waves against my neck. I rushed on, vaulting into building after antiquated building, using old mason’s elaborate handiwork to drag myself up the weathered stone. Panting, I heaved myself onto an immense roof. This was the highest I’d ever been; exhilaration sparked but failed to catch, dampened by the sickening fear. Despite the agony in my muscles, the scrapes, bruises and bleeding fingers, glanced behind me. Four silhouettes climbed the building against the glare from Cardeth’s kaleidoscopic patchwork of lamps. They reached last storey just as strong smothering wind surged over the roof, thrusting me forwards. I wavered on the precipice of life, or at-least an end to it, for not a moment but a stretch of eternity and terror before I threw myself backwards and staggered into dark, still silence. A cumulative, permeating silence deeper than the depth of fear.


Chapter 2

The absence of wind was so sudden that for a moment I thought I must have fallen from the rooftop, that I was dead. Pain fought through the muffling quiet, unmuting my senses to the warm night. Turning around, I cautiously wadded through the dense air, eyes darting back and forth in an attempt to make out my surroundings in near perfect darkness. Checking behind me revealed lamps in the far distance, and half hidden shadows prowling the rooftop outside the one arched doorway I had stumbled through.
Idiots. A blind man could see them against those lamps. I snorted; very unladylike I know but what do you expect? I live on the streets.

Figures slunk across the doorway, elongated shadows mocking their attempt at stealth. One slipped inside. Slowly stepping backwards, careful not to make a sound, I distanced myself from him. After a ten steps my back hit something tall and firm, too wobbly to be a wall. The low scraping sound should have been inaudible to them, but it echoed in the dark silence.
His head turning towards me as more figures slunk through the door, he straightened and took a bold step forwards. The throbbing increased threefold and burning in my eyes had me squinting all of a sudden. Heart thrashing my ribs, I shuffled to the side and around the obstacle, leaning against the back.
‘Clack’ ‘clack’
I knew that sound; it came from the bakery I lived above. Firelighters, flint stones. Sure enough a new light pushed back the darkness, only just reaching the bookcase I hid behind.
“She’s not here, must’ve gone around the side to the next buildin or somethin.”
“Shut up! We’ve come too far to just assume we’ve lost her”, Raphiel’s voice lacked conviction.
As light drew nearer, the throbbing grew worse. I could see the back wall now, no exits.
Every footstep echoed as the group moved closer, until I hid in a small triangle of shadows behind the bookcase. Panic filled every nerve, fear blanketed every thought. Raphiel’s head appeared in-front of me, green eyes staring straight into my blue.
“Good news boys! We found ourselves some sport.”
Grinning from ear to ear he reached out and grabbed the front of my faded blue shirt, pulling me in.


Blinding agony filled my skull, fracturing something inside. Just as suddenly as its onset, the agony left, replaced by an ice cold sensation spreading throughout my body, pooling in my eyes. Raphiel stopped, standing stock still, mouth wide open. My fear evaporated, drowning in the cold. Twisting out of his grasp I dove around the other side of the bookcase. Hands brushed my skin, but failed to get hold. I stood between them and the door, but I didn’t run. Grabbing the nearest guy, I lifted him clean off the floor, and threw him straight into two of his mates. One pulled a knife, slashing wildly at me. He moved as though underwater, slow, sluggish, evading him was easy. Stepping within his swing arc, I punched him in the stomach followed by an uppercut to the jaw. The sickening ‘crunch’ echoed in the cavernous room, replaced quickly by screams of pain. Disentangling themselves from their unconscious buddy the last two advanced on me, circling to opposite sides. One lunged low for a punch to the stomach while simultaneously the other swung at my head. Catching the low fist I pulled him in, using him to block the second punch. Snapping my shield’s neck I tossed him at his friend, knocking him back into a rotting desk. Adrenaline buzzed inside me, mixing with the cold. Feeling as though I was made of unyielding ice, I advanced on Raphiel. He swung his torch back and forth in an effort to keep me at bay. Seizing his arm I ground the bones of his wrist until something snapped. I took the torch for myself. Whimpering he backed into the ancient bookcase. Kneeing him in the groin, I used my free hand to slug him, head whip-lashing into the aged wood. Blood dripped through his hair as he crumpled to the floor. I stepped back around the bookcase and shoved hard, toppling it onto him. He was crying, big loud sobs mixed with agonized moans. Ignoring them, I dropped the torch onto the bookcase; flame ‘whooshed’ up instantly, dry books acting as the perfect tinder. My eyes stung, the light was too much. I walked straight out the arched doorway, ignoring Raphiel’s hysterical screams of overflowing pain. What better to educate him in civility than books?

This's one hard girl! You write very well and use good vocabulary and sentence formation. But you have a few run-on sentences, and occasionally get carried away with comas. For example:

I never entered the crucible of Sumian, sticking to the more open quarters where few houses were above single storey making for easy travelling and lots of open ground to see a threat well before its shadowy fingers could scar and stain your soul.

This is a really long sentence and contains a few different ideas. By breaking it into two or three separate sentences you can explain yourself better.

I wavered on the precipice of life, or at-least an end to it, for not a moment but a stretch of eternity and terror before I threw myself backwards and staggered into dark, still silence. A cumulative, permeating silence deeper than the depth of fear.

Here's another one. I think you can take out 'or at-least an end to it', as you kind of already stated that with the precipice of life part- which was really good but awkward with the extra line.

I really liked your prologue. If I'm right in guessing that it's a letter about/to her or something similar from the past, I think you should put it in italics to set it apart.
Again, it was very very well written and a pleasure to read. Good luck with future chapters!

Hey again! Here as requested. Now, I'm not going to crit Chapter 1. I seriously think you should leave that alone for a bit; too much editing too early and you'll lose track of what you were aiming for in the first place. I'll do my usual on the rest of this.

First point, though, is that these chapters are short. I'm just wondering how many chapters you plan on giving this book, whether they're going to be short and plentiful or whether you need to work on the length if you don't want to end up with just a long short story. I'm not sure what your view on that point is, so I'll leave you to think about whether it applies to you. Don't add irrelevent words to this to make it longer - believe me, I've done it and it doesn't work - but it's something to keep in mind.

Now, moving on to the prologue. Well, there's only a couple of nitpicks from me on this, but then, there's only a few sentences.

You may never understand why, and for this I am sorry, but I hope you never do.

This doesn't make much sense to a reader. I get that you're trying to say that your character hopes that Alica will "never understand why", but coming after the apology, it's a bit odd. I would mess around with it, cutting the "sorry" part perhaps, just to see if you can get the flow.

May your path be moonlit where ours is opaque.

I love this, but I'm not sure about "opaque", as it's usually associated with its opposite "transparency". It doesn't seem to relate to moonlight. Perhaps "in shadow" would work. May your path be moonlit where ours is in shadow. I don't know, it changes the flow, so it's up to you to work out which one you like. You could probably come up with something better.

Right, the prologue, then. I think that's the wrong word to describe it. If you're fronting it as a prologue, then I'd say cut it. It's too short and appears pointless to the reader. No matter what significance it has later, if you could work it in (and you shouldn't struggle too much to work a few sentences in), I think you should drop it.

However, I imagine this centred on a blank page, perhaps in italics, where the dedication would be at the front of the book. Technically I suppose it's still a prologue, but not really part of the story. It's like quoting a few lines of poetry before the book begins. You see what I mean? As an actual part of your story, it's not working, but detached I think it would work quite well. Just something I think would help you when you're thrashing out your structure.

Moving on. Like I said, Chapter 1 has already been rather heavily edited. If you want me to go back and look through it again, PM me and I will, but I think you've already been given the advice that you shouldn't change everything due to a few crits. Perhaps you can PM a few reviewers - or request their reviews in their Will Review for Food thread - who haven't seen your piece, so as to get the objective opinion. That's only if you still want crits, though. I personally advise you to leave it be for a bit.

Now, Chapter 2 I have yet to pass judgement on. Here we go, nitpicks first.

unmuting my senses to the warm night.

"Unmuting"? That is a weird word and is very, very awkward. I'd replace it with something simpler. I think we had this before with "unmarred". Don't get too thesaurus-happy. It draws attention to the wording rather than the story, and unless it's a short where nothing much happens, you don't want that.

I cautiously wadded through the dense air

Ahah, be careful with those -ly adverbs. They weigh down your sentence. I'd cut "cautiously". And by the way, I think "wadded" should be "waded".

I snorted; very unladylike I know but what do you expect? I live on the streets.

I'd just cut this. It's worded a bit weirdly and we've sort of gathered she's on the streets. If you feel it's necessary, try and reword it. At the very least, insert commas after and before "I know". You think that reads better?

Figures slunk across the doorway, elongated shadows mocking their attempt at stealth. One slipped inside.

I think you should cut the description of the shadows here. It's unnecessary; basically all it tells us is that these people have shadows. I'd combine the two shorter sentence you're left with. Figures slunk across the doorway, and one slipped inside. Not sure I like "slunk". It's a bit of a clumsy past tense.

After a ten steps

Cut "a".

too wobbly to be a wall.

Too "wobbly"? Wrong word, I think. It just seems funny. Replace it with something a little less childish.

and burning in my eyes had me squinting all of a sudden.

Missing word here. You need "and the burning".

Heart thrashing my ribs

Another missed word, maybe "against"? You need to proof-read this a bit better.

‘Clack’ ‘clack’

Italicise these and cut the quotation marks. Clack, clack.

“Shut up! We’ve come too far to just assume we’ve lost her”,

Should be a full stop, that comma after "her", and it should be inside the speech marks. I think this is just a typo.

The sickening ‘crunch’

Again with the italics, I think.

Whimpering he backed into the ancient bookcase.

Comma after "whimpering". I know Brass said you were overloaded with comma, but I think it's almost impossible to reach a happy medium. Maybe don't put commas in quite everywhere I say. ^^

Okay, my thoughts on Chapter 2.

It could be merged with Chapter 1. I don't see why it isn't, actually. That solves the problem of length that we had before, and technically you haven't started a new scene, whereas at the end the MC leaves, so you have full freedom to start a new chapter. I think all of this would work better as Chapter 1, to be honest. But that brings me to my next point.

Your pacing is off in places. I got a little bored towards the end, and there are three main reasons I can cite for that.

Big action scenes can throw people off. I personally hate battle scenes in fantasy, but I accept that's just me, and even a diluted version of a fight annoys me. So this isn't something you need to take too much notice of, but make sure you're not throwing fights in too often, if it's going to be that kind of story. Be aware that there are people like me who get annoyed by action scenes, even if they'd read the rest of your story.

There is a huge blocky paragraph down at the end. We don't like blocky paragraphs. They put us off visually and whilst reading them, so cut it into two or even better, three.

Your sentence structure doesn't differ too much. We don't feel the emotion of this girl, so much to the extent that I didn't understand what was going on. Give us a bit more attachment to her, and one of the ways of doing this is to change your sentence structure. Not everything has to be so uniform. Reading through action scenes with sentences quite a few clauses long is pretty awkward, especially if your narrator is in first person. Not sure if this applies directly to you, but even if it doesn't, be aware of it.

Um, that's about it for now. Check your work a bit more carefully, but other than that, you've got a pretty good story going here. If I think of anything else, I'll PM you, but I hope this helped!

Hey there! I just want to say that your story was amazing and incredibly entertaining. I didn't even find that much to nit-pick.

However, there were a few typos that I think jetpack noticed and pointed out, so you know about those. But I also noticed that you have some run-on or awkward sentences in there, and that can get a bit confusing. For example, take a look at this paragraph:

In this act I curse you to life without parents, but I gift you with a chance to avoid our people’s fate. You may never understand why, and for this I am sorry, but I hope you never do.

I bolded the sentence that you should take care in looking over. It isn't a run-on sentence as much as it has extremely awkward wording. Maybe try to re-word it so that it isn't as awkward.

I really enjoyed the prologue, by the way. It set up the story very well, and it kept us wondering what 'her people' were, and why she had to escape. Good job on that!

The throbbing in my skull grew in tempo as I leapt from one roof to the next. I prayed silently that I’d make it as I didn’t have breath to spare on such luxuries. Not like anything benign was listening down here anyway. Cardeth’s slimy, malevolent streets slunk passed as I ran, their façade transparent to my experienced eyes. Living on these streets has long since removed the carefully placed veil of a ‘holy city’. Cardeth is a monument to no god; a deity, yes, but no god.

For the first bolded part, I'd just like to point out that I have absolutely no idea what that word is. Probably just a typo, but one that should be fixed.

Now, the next sentence is confusing because it doesn't really go with the rest of the paragraph. You were just talking about praying that she'd make it, and then you go on to the subject of the city's facade. Maybe make that into a new paragraph so that it works better.

Lastly, I'd just like to point out the last paragraph:

Blinding agony filled my skull, fracturing something inside. Just as suddenly as its onset, the agony left, replaced by an ice cold sensation spreading throughout my body, pooling in my eyes. Raphiel stopped, standing stock still, mouth wide open. My fear evaporated, drowning in the cold. Twisting out of his grasp I dove around the other side of the bookcase. Hands brushed my skin, but failed to get hold. I stood between them and the door, but I didn’t run. Grabbing the nearest guy, I lifted him clean off the floor, and threw him straight into two of his mates. One pulled a knife, slashing wildly at me. He moved as though underwater, slow, sluggish, evading him was easy. Stepping within his swing arc, I punched him in the stomach followed by an uppercut to the jaw. The sickening ‘crunch’ echoed in the cavernous room, replaced quickly by screams of pain. Disentangling themselves from their unconscious buddy the last two advanced on me, circling to opposite sides. One lunged low for a punch to the stomach while simultaneously the other swung at my head. Catching the low fist I pulled him in, using him to block the second punch. Snapping my shield’s neck I tossed him at his friend, knocking him back into a rotting desk. Adrenaline buzzed inside me, mixing with the cold. Feeling as though I was made of unyielding ice, I advanced on Raphiel. He swung his torch back and forth in an effort to keep me at bay. Seizing his arm I ground the bones of his wrist until something snapped. I took the torch for myself. Whimpering he backed into the ancient bookcase. Kneeing him in the groin, I used my free hand to slug him, head whip-lashing into the aged wood. Blood dripped through his hair as he crumpled to the floor. I stepped back around the bookcase and shoved hard, toppling it onto him. He was crying, big loud sobs mixed with agonized moans. Ignoring them, I dropped the torch onto the bookcase; flame ‘whooshed’ up instantly, dry books acting as the perfect tinder. My eyes stung, the light was too much. I walked straight out the arched doorway, ignoring Raphiel’s hysterical screams of overflowing pain. What better to educate him in civility than books?

I know that Jetpack already pointed this out, but I'll just say it again. This paragraph is too long, and as Jetpack said, this can make us not want to read it. It can make it boring, even if the big paragraph has a huge action fight in it. Make sure you separate this into more than one paragraph and it'll be fine.

All in all, I really liked this story. It was exciting, and kept me interested; though it could have used a bit more character development in some parts. I can't wait to read more! Good luck and I hope to see you around sometime! Bye bye, and I hope that my review helped. *givesgoldstar*

~ Trish

“…sticking to the more open quarters where few houses were above single storey making for easy traveling and lots of open ground to see a threat well before its shadowy fingers could scar and stain your soul,”
I think this is a really great, descriptive sentence. Just two little spelling/grammar mistakes, nothing big: traveling has one L and, personally, I would put a comma after ‘storey’ because the sentence has two separate thoughts: fewer houses, which made easier traveling. As for the shadowy fingers part, I really love that. It’s dark, threatening, but describes in perfection what an essay couldn’t. Kudos for that!
“Dust mingled with sweat, plastering my short blonde waves against my neck.” I loved the way you worked a description of the girl into the action of the story, it’s not just a boring ‘blonde hair is all the rage, but boys like it too much, making them enjoy stalking me.’
“…very unladylike I know but what do you expect? I live on the streets.” I think this is a little too much, maybe just a sarcastic ‘very unladylike, but what does it matter to a street rat?’ or something. We know she lives on the streets, work on why it doesn’t matter to someone who lives on the streets, if that makes sense…
“…elongated shadows mocking their attempt at stealth,” again, great description!
“His head turning towards me as more figures slunk through the door,” you used slunk in the paragraph before, use a different adjective.
“Whimpering he backed into the ancient bookcase.” There should be a comma after ‘whimpering.’ I do really like the paragraph this is in, the one where the strange power comes over her and she attacks Raphiel and his gang.”
“…flame ‘whooshed’ up instantly,” I think this would be ‘flames.” The decription afterward, though, about books being perfect tinder, was an amazing sentence! Seriously, you’re writing is amazing, even though I’m being a nitpicking pain in the neck.
As for the prologue, I think it’s short and sweet, but keeps the reader on his/her toes. The double negatives are great, providing confusion and the question of who is talking to Alica. All in all, fantastic job! I’m going to check and see if chapter three is up!

Thanks heaps all of you! I'm glad you enjoyed it and will be taking everything each of you has said into careful consideration. Hopefully I'll post a final version of this, with many of the alterations you have suggested of course, soon. Also I think I will merge these chapters into just Chapter 1 as Jetpack has said so it will probably be posted as Prologue and chapter 1.

Thanks again for all of your awesome reviews, I can practically see my writing improving with each of your help.