Young Writers Society

Yeah, this is a story I just came up with in Geometry the other day ! So far, my friends have all liked this, but you guys be the judges!


There they were; standing in the corner of the cafeteria. The girl wrapped her arms around her boyfriend's waist and rested her head on his shoulder. He stiffened, looking uncomfortable as she clung to him. He fidgeted nervously.

"Is something wrong, babe?" she whispered. "You've been really quiet all day."

He didn't respond. He didn't even look at her.

She smiled, oblivious to his unusual stiffness. She reached up and pressed her pink lips to his cheek, then to his stony mouth.

"I love you," she murmured, snuggling into him, both arms wrapping around his waist again.

He said nothing.

She looked up at him, puzzled. "Babe? I said 'I love you'."

Her boyfriend sighed and averted his gaze, refusing to look at her. Her face crumpled as he did it, realization beginning to set in, but denial made her unwilling to believe it.

"Why aren't you taking to me? Please, say something!" she begged him.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't be your boyfriend anymore," he mumbled.

"What?" she cried, disbelief etched on her face.

"I'm sorry," was the response.

"So, we're breaking up now? I thought you loved me!" she cried.

A pause. "I can't do this anymore," was all the statue repeated.

She threw her arms down, the disbelief turning to raw anger and hurt in a flash. "So what? Do you just not love me anymore?" she accused dangerously.

"I'm really sorry," he whispered over his shoulder as he got up and walked back to his friends.

"Fine!" she hissed. "Go! I don't love you either! In fact, I freaking hate you!"

She made her way back to her friends' table, stopping a couple times along the way to kick a can or empty french carton out of her way. She sat there, pouting and pointedly ignoring her food. They all acted like they hadn't heard anything, until someone noticed her sniffling over her food.

"I don't want to talk about him," she whispered as they tried to comfort her.

As the group led her out the door to comfort her, the cafeteria quickly buzzed as everyone started gossiping about the whole debacle. I felt like I was the only quiet one, the only one seething over the nerve of that guy. I had seen it all, watching her fawn over him and then crumple when she was dumped. It was worse than seeing her, the girl of my dreams, cuddling and kissing him like usual.

I watched him sitting there with his friends, talking and chuckling a little as they did stupid things to amuse him. What a bastard,I thought. She was just humiliated in front of the whole cafeteria by you, and you're joking around with your friends.

I knew I didn't deserve a girl as smart and beautiful and kind as Cricket Webbers, but neither did he. In my opinion, no one did.

Verrry interesting. I really liked the ending. It was so unexpected.

The beginning can be worked on, though. Honestly, it just starts out like any other breakup story. Work on creating a better hook and also,maybe you could make it apparent that the whole breakup is being observed by someone else. It would make the prologue way more interesting.

"Were you crying?" she whispers. "Why would you be crying?"

He didn't respond. He didn't even look at her.

She smiled, oblivious to his unusual stiffness.

You changed from 2nd person, to 3rd person. Whispers to smiled.

"You can't even break up with me properly?" she asked.

There are many ways to break up with someone. I don't think there's a "proper" way to do it. But, I think breaking up in person is more "proper", which he is doing.What is he doing that isn't proper?

"I can't do this anymore. I can't be your boyfriend any longer," he mumbled.

"What?" she cried, disbelief etched on her face.

"I'm sorry," was the response.

"You can't even break up with me properly?" she asked.

A pause. "No," was all the statue said.

She threw her arms down, the disbelief turning to raw anger and hurt in a flash. "So what? Do you just not love me anymore?" she accused dangerously.

"I'm sorry," he whispered over his shoulder as he got up and walked away.

"Fine!" she hissed. "Go! I don't love you either! In fact, I freaking hate you!"

She made her way back to her friends' table. They all acted like they hadn't heard anything, until she suddenly broke down sobbing.

"I d-do still love h-h-him!" she wailed.

Emotions change very quickly in this bit. Slow it down. Show more of what she's feeling. Show the anguish on her face, show the regret in his voice (if he's truly feeling any). Show, show, show, show!

As the group led her out the door to comfort her, the cafeteria quickly buzzed as everyone started gossiping about the whole debacle. I felt like I was the only quiet one, the only one seething over the nerve of that guy. I had seen it all, watching her fawn over him and then crumple when she was dumped. It was worse than seeing her, the girl of my dreams, cuddling and kissing him like usual.

I knew I didn't deserve a girl as smart and beautiful and kind as Cricket Webbers, but neither did he. In my opinion, no one did.

Again, I loved this ending. Except, is the observer a boy or a girl? I know it's probably painfully obvious, but I can't tell.

And on whether you should continue or not...I think you should definitely continue...after a bit of editing.

PM if you post more and I hope I helped.

Sasha.

wow ! i really liked it, espcially the way the observer came out in the end, you should definitly go on with this, its really good !! please tell me if your gong to post the next chapter, please!, please!! there was a few grammar mistakes but overall i think you wrote a very intresting beggining,

-budding

Huh. Well, so far this is pretty generic, right? A shy guy who like a girl but can't tell her because she's too pretty, or too popular, or dating some dumb jock. Yeah. We've heard it before, and the one question I ask you is, Can you make it different? Can you veer off in some direction we aren't expecting, make it interesting so we want to keep reading?

Obviously, if you want to make this the cliche story about the boy who likes the cool girl but can't ask her because he's too insecure, that's your decision. But honestly? I think you could make this better if you wanted to--you just need to think a little harder is all. Maybe not insane-acid-trip-crazy-different, but just...not like all the other teenage romances we've - or at least I've - read a gazillion times before.

Anyhow, there 'tis. I don't like nitpicking so I won't, I'm sure you're smart enough to fix the typos yourself. Make it real, girl. Make it YOUR story, not a story that you heard somewhere that you want to write again. Breathe some life into the characters--they seem to be rather suffocating, at the moment. I liked the story, as I said. I mean, it's cute. It needs a little work though, yeah? =D

Good luck!

-SELA

Yes, I know the beginning is a little cliche and kinda predictable, but I made it that way on purpose. The truth is, the guy isn't that 'shy' at all, and it becomes apparent in the first chapter, but no more spoilers;)! But I will add that it won't end like the average romance!!

Thanks everybody for the crits;)!! Ciao!

0(o.o)0

Hated it. But I'm a guy so I'm supposed to hate romantic fiction. Perhaps if you tweaked it a little I would hate it less.

Firstly why on earth is this guy crying. Boys don't cry, not in a full cafeteria anyway. If I was a teenager in my school cafe I wouldn't break up with my girlfriend infront of everyone and cry. I would break up with her then go home and cry.

summergrl13 wrote:After a minute, she reached up and touched his cheek, lightly tracing the tear tracks with mild curiousity
"Were you crying?" she whispered. "Why would you be crying?".

How often does this guy cry? why is she only mildly curious? This doesn't make sense. Drop it. Perhaps have the boy idly staring over her shoulder at a girl he wants to date instead of her? or just a stony and defiant attitude when she tries to hug him.

summergrl13 wrote:"What's wrong? Why aren't you talking to me or looking at me? Look at me please!" she begged the statue.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't be your boyfriend any longer," he mumbled.

"What?" she cried, disbelief etched on her face.

"I'm sorry," was the response.

"So, we're breaking up now? I thought you loved me!" she cried.

A pause. "I can't do this anymore," was all the statue repeated.

.

For goodness sake stop calling him a statue.This part really bothered me. Try
' "I can't do this anymore," was all the coward could say. You make it clear at the end the narrator doesn't like the guy this will make it a little more subtle. But if you must add to the imagery call him stiff or staunch.
There is a better word than 'statue' find it.

Story is very cliche you're right but if done well you can avoid the cliches and make the story round and full with themes etc. You need not look at such things in the prologue obviously but try introduce the narrator with a little more character. emotive lines eg, 'god this guys smug' or 'I hate this guy' put such lines in before the end. Entwine them and reveal his character with out a two line info dump at the end. make something happen closer to the end that will keep the reader interested into the next chapter. Perhaps finish with her throwing the narrator a dark look for staring at her I don't know do something!

This has potential and needless to say you have potential but little inconsistencies and cliches detract so much from the piece. let it sit for a while then come back to it cold and be as brutal, if not more brutal, than I have been.

JP

Hey there, Summer! You know me from Secret Identity, so I'll get on with the review. I'm not a huge fan of romance, but your piece caught my eye, so well done in that! I'll get back to some more general points after I nitpick.

The couple stood at the very corner of the cafeteria, one of them crying the other smiling and giggling, unaware of her boyfriends emotions.

This isn't a particularly strong first sentence, mainly because it makes little sense. You need a comma after "them" to make the punctuation work, but that slows the flow down a little too much. Also, "boyfriends" should be "boyfriend's", because it's possessive. Work on this sentence, maybe shifting it around a bit to make it shorter and not as slow a start with the correct punctuation.

The cafeteria watched her with mild interest; even if she didn't know what was happening, the rest of the lunch room did. After a minute, she reached up and touched his cheek, lightly tracing the tear tracks with mild curiousity.

Two very similar phrases here. One of them needs to be replaced or just cut.

He didn't respond. He didn't even look at her.

I'm sorry if I'm thinking too literally here, and this is one of those nitpicks that you really can ignore, but I just wonder how he manages not to look at her when she's stroking his cheek. It just creeps me out a bit that you'd be able to ignore that.

She looked up at him, puzzled. "Babe? I said 'I love you'."

This is where your female character starts to get a bit obnoxious. If that was intended, um, well done, but try not to put us off the story because she's so irritating. If it wasn't, but I doubt that, try not to make her quite so dense. How can she not notice he's crying? At least make a distinction between her not noticing and her not caring, so words like "oblivious" need to be replaced with words like "ignoring".

refusing to watch himself pry her clutching fingers from her T-shirt.

This makes little sense. I know what you're trying to say, but I think you should cut it, especially the part "refusing to watch himself". That's sort of creepy. You could go "prying her clutching fingers from his T-shirt". I assume it's his T-shirt you meant, and not hers?

I can't be your boyfriend any longer," he mumbled.

Replace "any longer" with "anymore", even if it's a repeat. In dialogue, it'll just add to the effect, and make it less stilted.

"So, we're breaking up now? I thought you loved me!" she cried.

She already "cried" some dialogue, so use a synonym or preferably "said".

In my opinion, no one did.

"In my opinion" is a bit too essay-ish.

Okay, I have a few major points to discuss.

I was totally lost with how you wanted your characters to appear. The guy crying, the boyfriend, appears pretty soft and as joshapaul pointed out, I don't know any guys who'd be so openly emotional. The girlfriend is very, very irritating. She drove me insane. Words like "wailed" only underline this. If this was your intention, as I think I said earlier up, good job, but please, lay off it a bit. You don't want to put your readers off so soon. Lastly, the observer introduced at the end. I got the feeling he was a bit of a psycho, to be honest, and that brings me on to my next point.

I don't think this is clichéd, because your popular girl is a pain and your observer seems to be pretty nuts, like I said. I know other people have said that you need to make this unique, but I think I see where you're going with it, at least character-wise. Am I right? However, I still think you should listen to the other reviewers and take what they say into account - regardless of how unique the rest of this is, the prologue should be the thing that catches the reader. We aren't going to keep reading if it looks clichéd, so make sure you don't miss your mark there.

Watch your punctuation. There are a few missing commas and so on, as well as a few typos. Just make sure you proof-read, okay?

Lastly, I don't really like the title. Is it a working one? It's a bit boring and doesn't really drag me in. I suggest going to the Title Feedback thread to see what they think about it, or just having a look at what makes a good title. That in itself is often hard to define - what is a good title? - but this one is a bit bland. I'm guessing it's dialogue from the story, but it seems a bit meh to me. This article has some great ideas about titles and why they're so important.

So, that's it. Sorry if I pointed out stuff that's already been mentioned, but I started this review a while back, so reviewers since may have mentioned my nitpicks. Ah well. Good luck with your editing, Summer.

I loved this story! I can't wait until u get the 1st chapter up...I liked how you began the story. It was way better than anything i've ever began my stories with, so great job! lol...but good job and keep writing!

hey
i liked this story a lot. kinda cliche but its great and i loved your style and its true boys just don't cry in public its just there thing. he should be silighnt and withdrawn.

bye