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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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 Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 5:21 pm Post subject: chained |
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Never again, never again,
Will I succumb to the back of your hand,
Forever bruised,
Scars you will never see.
I tried to burn these lies but they keep coming back,
And I tried to find an answer.
The rain falls down,
I'm holding you again in my arms,
But you're so limp so cold,
Your eyes dead with destruction.
I never meant to breakout,
But you kept me chained up for so long.
I loved you and you wouldn’t listen,
Can you hear me now?
Am I alive these voices I hear the people I see,
Don’t seem real.
My hands covered in unseen bruises,
But they’ll never see,
What you did to me inside,
Just a bitter ex that’s all they think of me.
A torn heart,
A dead soul,
Scars never to leave,
Destroyed,
The walking dead,
But they won’t see that.
Yet again you get away with murder.
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Just wrote it tres bored though I'd whip it up here what'd you think any good? |
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Last edited by Wulie on Mon Jan 03, 2005 1:07 am; edited 2 times in total |
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-KayJuran-
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| Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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i think its gud & funnily enough i can understand it!
guessin this is meant 2 b free verse cus it doesnt
rhyme... i like free verse but im not so gud @ givin
advice bout it...
anyway it wud prob b better if u edited it a bit but im
afraid i cant tell u how, wud hav 2 think bout it a bit
more...
... sorry...  |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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| Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 3:39 pm Post subject: |
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Hey no worries - just read it again and I don't like it lol - yeah it is a free verse... I no good at the rhyming stuff!!!
thanks for the comment
love wu x |
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electricbluemonkey
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| Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, I think it was pretty good, actually. Not that great, but it was ok. It seemed more like lyrics to a rock song than a poem, which is cool. You should go over it more, though. |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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| Posted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks - it wasn't meaning to be a poem they are just my thoughts put how I see them - people can take them as they wish. I don't write them to be perfect because nothing or no one ever is.
Wu x |
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faith
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| Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 1:54 am Post subject: |
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some parts of this are really beautiful, in a simple way
Never again, never again,
Will I succumb to the back of your hand,
Forever bruised,
Scars you will never see.
but other stanzas sink into cliche, lines we've all heard in poems many times before. the lines below are some of those i found to be unoriginal
I tried to burn these lies but they keep coming back,
And I tried to find an answer.
Am I alive these voices I hear the people I see,
Don’t seem real.
But they’ll never see,
What you did to me inside,
Just a bitter ex that’s all they think of me.
A torn heart,
A dead soul,
Scars never to leave,
Destroyed,
The walking dead,
But they won’t see that.
however i thought the last line was quite powerful, a strong end to the poem. |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 9:14 pm Post subject: |
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| This could be a great poem. Your redundancy of certain words like "chains" and "bruises" was minimally impacting, though, and sometimes there is more to tell us than what's on the surface. I loved the last line, but think it would be better without "another" in "with another murder." Mostly because it seems redundant, you say "Yet again," inferring it's happened before, and then say "another." I'm nitpicky like that. As to the cliched parts of the poem...I strongly suggest you make amendments where you see too much redundancy. There are certain phrases that have been used over and over and over and over, hence cliche (gah, I'm an idiot). Anyway, I was looking for imagery of how the bruises felt beneath your skin--not on it. |
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electricbluemonkey
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| Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 9:22 pm Post subject: |
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| This was a pretty good poem, you created a great atmosphere for the reader. But overall I agree with Incandescence. The last line was really good, and tied in everything about the poem. |
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-KayJuran-
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 10:27 am Post subject: |
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I love this poem!!!
Never again, never again,
Will I succumb to the back of your hand,
this part flows really well it just sounds so
gud when u say it aloud!
I never meant to breakout,
But you kept me chained up for so long.
this is probably one of my favourite parts
of the poem - it says so much with so little
words...
A torn heart,
A dead soul,
Scars never to leave
i liked this part of the poem as well... i agree
with inc saying some of this is a bit of a cliche
but i still think it works well!
something i can recommend - you need a bit
of punctuation in some places... for example:
Am I alive these voices I hear the people I see,
Don’t seem real.
this could be changed to:
Am I alive? these voices I hear, the people I see,
Don’t seem real.
tell you if i think of anything else...
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you soo much
of course inc you're always write about what you say! and I shall when I have time go over all of my poem however at the mo I'm doing the yee old G.C.S.E's with extreme work!!! and KJ you're so right with your punctuation I am a bit Dyslexic so spelling etc is hard on my part so please forgive me!! Any hoo I am very appreciative of you comments! |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 9:46 pm Post subject: |
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I really like it, ecspessiclhy (someone please exuse my spelling)
The ending.
"A torn heart,
A dead soul,
Scars never to leave,
Destroyed,
The walking dead,
But they won’t see that. "
"Yet again you get away with murder. " |
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