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Donate · by **winie603** on Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:17 am

Angel at Rush Hour

by winie603 on Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:17 am

I wonder when she’ll decide to come over, the man sitting by the corner thought. He looked particularly extraordinary while he sat tirelessly through the menacing rush hour of Times square; in this case a Spanish café. The reason for the extraordinariness was so excruciatingly obvious: everyone else in the room was so, what’s the proper word? Plain.

Comparing the man with any of the café’s other customers would be simply absurd. For instance, the white American he was so fond of, assumingly from the deep west with her painful accent, waitress. The man couldn’t help but smell the waitress’ dirty blonde hair as it crept over her shoulder while she picked up his third black coffee and refilled it. It didn’t smell as though he would like it to; fresh and fruit-like, but of dirty dish towels and a too rich variety of Spanish spices.

I can live with that, the man thought as he stared deeply intro the waitress’ deep blue eyes. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was one of New York City’s best lawyers and she was merely a waitress at a cafe, he’d be offering a drink to her right at this moment. White wine, preferably. As he sipped the fresh black coffee he examined her snow white skin, her long, muscular legs. A strong desire took over the man. It nearly did, anyway.

Meanwhile, the white American waitress had been examining the man’s outrageously strange good looks secretively from the other side of the room; her games were too easy for the man, for he had been an expert for quite a while. She admired his smooth features with a sense of halcyon. His glowing skin complexion was model quality, something tanning cream, or even a weekend at the beach, simply couldn’t do. His sparkling green eyes had stun many woman before this one and his thick, bushy eyebrows were, on the contrary, very handsome and manly looking. Despite the extremely odd expression shown upon his face, it was clear this man was not a man at all, but of a creature more beautiful and intelligent than any other on the planet.

Most women fell head over heal in love with him, the rest simply tried to ignore him for various reasons. The white American waitress glanced over at the angel once more, and sulked away from her hidden corner. Life is better without drama, and god knows, angels create drama. She, fortunately, fell into the second category.

The man slouched in his seat as he realized the waitress was finished with her pointless, though quite exciting, games. He knew that this woman would not be good for anything, except perhaps if he borrowed her for a night. The man chuckled as he thought of introducing this sour-smelling waitress twenty year old, an age a bit under his belt, to his friends. Or even worse, his parents.

This is your new girlfriend? Ben, are you sure about this? I’ve been your friend since we went to Brown, and for sure I know this is not you’re type of girl, Jeff would say defensively with his calming, deep voice. The man didn’t even want to think what his female friend, whom he had been sharing some very private sessions with, would say.

Congratulations Ben. You were able to get, once again, another hopeless girl at your feet… No, no, no, I’m happy for you guys, but just remember, if you ever decide to get married, don’t send me an invitation to your wedding. Don’t even waste your time. The man chuckled nervously, but knew if this ever were to happen Amanda would never speak to him again, which, he really wouldn’t like at all considering the intellectual, witty conversations they’ve had together.

Time to go, the man thought disappointingly. The man stood up, walked over to the woman and said, “You’re worth a lot, did you know that?” And he walked out, leaving her exasperated, bewildered and satisfied.

Last edited by winie603 on Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Donate · by **Suzanne** on Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:51 am

Well! If your age truly is 12, and I have no reason to doubt that, I have to applaud you for your skillful use of the English language and your wide vocabulary. I am certainly impressed!

However, I did have a few problems with this short piece which greatly detracted from what could have otherwise, probably, been a nice nanofic.

One of the first things I noticed while I started this story was your great fondness for using many words and many details which were superfluous. As far as words, some of it had to do with adverbs or adjectives. Take this sentence for example: He looked particularly extraordinary while he sat tirelessly through the menacing rush hour of Times square; in this case a Spanish café. How is one more extraordinary if they are particularly extraordinary? Now, granted, I do say this phrase in real life, but in writing and when followed by another -ly only three words away, it doesn't seem right. As for "sat tirelessly", couldn't you have simply used a more efficient verb? Or written it differently? Why not, instead of telling us he is tirelessly doing something (which is a mouthful), show us his restlessness. Is he tapping his fingers on the counter? Are his eyes darting from object to object? When he lifts his spoon to stir his coffee, does it clang against the side of the dish because he's shaking?

As to your overuse of details, one example would be this sentence: For instance, the white American he was so fond of, assumingly from the deep west with her painful accent, waitress. I'll skip over the fact that this sentence doesn't entirely make sense. For the rest of the story you go on to call her the "white American waitress", without giving her a name. You give us the detail of her possible accent, from the deep west and painful. But is this an important detail? Sure, it gives her character, but the way you gave it to us was more painful than the actual accent. You shoved it into the sentence, crammed it in to fit, and made it awkward. As a lonesome detail, it's useless. But if you took the detail out and merely added a twang to her dialogue, the characterization would be there, sans the useless details.

These details, though all so good, overwhelm the story and make me feel like you're setting a scene too much and not telling a story. I get details stuck in my head - and I loose sight of what I'm actually reading. It's painful. Try to pick the most important details, and use those. Do as little as you must to create as much as you possibly can. Be resourceful, not over sumptuous. Your writing has talent - I know you can do it. Just pull out the red pen, and kill some of it!

As to the story itself, I was lost on the one detail of the angel thing... I couldn't quite understand that fact. He's an angel? And yet you refer to him as "man". I couldn't see how it fit into the story properly. Also, you say he is extraordinary...only because the others were ordinary. Well. It's a true statement but not true at all. You need to show me he is extraordinary, or I won't believe you. Telling doesn't cut it, and you seem to be rather fond of telling.

The ending of your story I liked a bit more because it seemed to have a subtle wit to it, and it charmed me. However your plot was still wanting. You have a conflict - he is interested in the waitress - but it's not a great one. He doesn't greatly desire her, nor does he have any great obstacle keeping her from it. He merely considers things. And, perhaps, this is a story about that consideration, but it still needs a bit more life to it, in my opinion, to hold the attention of others.

Oh, and a minor, minor nitpick: when writing thoughts, you should choose between quotes or italics, rather than use both. It's simply practice to use one or the other.

For all the nitpicking I did, I actually enjoyed this. I think if it was edited and cleaned up, I would enjoy it even more. You are not a bad writer at all!! I hope all that I said helped. If you have any questions feel free to PM me. Best of luck!

by **Trikky** on Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:05 am

Notes:
Limbo’s <-- huge hint, maybe a little too heavy. I knew he had to be dead, because nobody would ever call a cafe Limbo unless they wanted to imply that it was a really boring place where people just kind of wait around. Unless it's somebody's name or something...?

black coffee (unsweetened with two spoons of half and half) <-- If her drink has half-and-half in it, it is no longer black coffee because it's called black coffee because it's just straight coffee. Coffee with milk is a light tan-ish color.

She admired his smooth features with a sense of halcyon <-- that's kind of strange for a guy she's never met before, but okay, I see what you did there

The man slouched in his seat as he realized the waitress was finished with her pointless, though quite exciting, games. <-- Wait, what did she do? It seems like she just looked at him... why is he reading so far into it?

The man chuckled as he thought of introducing this dish-towel-smelling waitress twenty year old, an age a bit under his belt, to his friends. <-- Why is he thinking about this?

Anyway, it was a nice short story, if a bit confusing. I like the idea behind it a lot, two people meeting in a Spanish cafe and sharing a moment, but the individuals' thought processes seemed kind of bizarre to me. Why does attractive man=angel? He could be a good-looking devil, she doesn't really know him yet. However, I like your style, and I think with a little work this could read a lot better.

Donate · by **bElL3** on Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:30 am

Instead of "dish-towel-smelling waitress" why not go for something along the lines of 'sour-smelling" or "unpleasntly perfumed". I loved the way the rest of it sounds, although that part and a few others sounded a bit on the verbose side. Try to tone down the words just a bit. Other than that, It's amazing, great concept and great talent for somebody your age! Wicked Awesome Job, hun!

bElL3

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