by Suzanne on Thu Jul 09, 2009 11:37 pm
Hullo Burgs!
I really love the first handful of lines in your poem, how you talking about the thoughts "pulsating, throbbing, aching". Though they were all semi-bland words, it seemed to be the most vivid part of the poem, and a start of great imagery!
Personally, I think you should expand on that part of the poem. This was a little hard for me to get into and enjoy mostly because you mention these thoughts, your lack of anything, the emptiness but I am never given an example of these thoughts, or a reason as to why there is nothing. The use of words like "hate" and "violence" in the beginning of the poem dull the emotions from the start. Try to avoid general, overused, and uncolorful words. Instead, paint apicture of the violence! Don't be afraid to make your reader puke if it is going to get your message across.
I think this poem has great potential if it were rewritten. Focus more on actually describing some these things, making them into physical, imaginable perceptions that the reader can, through your words, experience and relate to. Try to avoid using vague words or adjectives. Use strong nouns and verbs, and not multiple like in the fourth line, just one which is strong and says everything on its own. Do everything you can to bring these emotions to the reader, and it'll be greater by tenfold!
Best of luck.
"I also remember Suzanne broke the world record for longest critique, quoting every word I used individually and discussing it for paragraphs. She concluded that I was a better poet at 16." - Firestarter, talking about his Reviewing Sunday dream.