by Suzanne on Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:20 am
The first thing I noticed about this poem was that the only form of punctuation you have in it was the comma in the first line. Never forget, poetry needs punctuation too! Sometimes poets can get away with it, but it is my opinion that you shouldn't start playing with the lack of punctuation or other grammatical devices until you've mastered many, many other things about poetry.
The reason this poem was so hard for me to wrap my head around and enjoy is because it sort of dances around any central idea. You don't explain how the speaker is crazy. What do they do? Saying, "I am crazy," is one thing. Standing on a street corner shouting about how you ate a hamburger and now the tiny men who live inside your teeth are throwing it up in your mouth.... That is showing us you are crazy! You can't just tell us everything in poetry - you also need to show us. You do a lot of talking, and a lot of telling. "People fear me and people might even hate me." Why? Can you show me and prove it to me? Bring what you are saying to life, instead of just saying it.
Like I said, as well, you didn't seem to have a strong central idea. This can be forgiven if the poem is still well presented, but since you need to show-not-tell, it isn't too close to "well presented" yet. A good way to strengthen your poem though, is to have a central meaning, idea, theme - whatever you want to call it. As it is you are just saying, "I'm crazy." How does this affect the speaker and those around him/her? How did it happen? What point are you trying to make about this? A more important thing, however: how do you want to make the reader to feel about this? Do you want the reader to be frightened or curious? The main goal of poetry is to make the reader feel, think, or react in some way to what you are writing. How do you want your reader to react? Figure this out, and keep it in mind while you write.
Best of luck!
"I also remember Suzanne broke the world record for longest critique, quoting every word I used individually and discussing it for paragraphs. She concluded that I was a better poet at 16." - Firestarter, talking about his Reviewing Sunday dream.